


Flirtation, Temptation, Vocation, Elation

by pseudosmodingium



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Has Social Anxiety, Catholic Castiel (Supernatural), Demisexual Cas, Drunk Handjobs, Drunk Kissing, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Priest Seminarist Cas, Self-Worth Issues, Slow Burn, Switching, Vaginal Fingering, Virgin Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-10-31 16:00:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 91,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10902687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudosmodingium/pseuds/pseudosmodingium
Summary: Dean has inappropriate feelings for his best friend and Cas is clueless about how romance works. Their friendship and everything they might have had beyond is at stake when Cas follows his call to become a Catholic priest.A history of Cas and Dean’s relationships over the years and, most importantly, of their love for each other.





	1. Year One

**Author's Note:**

> So, hi there! Welcome, please take a seat.  
> I'm a few chapters in and I'll try to catch up with writing before I run out of chapters to post. Anyway, this is still a WIP!  
> Feel free to comment and/or leave kudos.  
> I don't know how many chapters this is going to have but I'll be telling you when I'm getting near the end.
> 
> P.S.: If any of the universities mentioned in this fic is your alma mater...sorry?
> 
> ***UPDATE: This fic is now **COMPLETE!** ***

Dean and Cas met during their freshman year in college. The first friends Dean made were Benny—obviously, being his roommate and such—and Charlie, who he literally ran into after his first engineering class. Dean was busy stuffing his notes into his messenger bag and Charlie’s attention was directed at her phone and when they crossed paths, Charlie’s forehead hit Dean’s chest.

“Shit, sorry,” they said simultaneously and a broad smile spread on Charlie’s face.

“Hi, I’m Charlie,” she said and offered Dean her hand.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Dean,” he told her as he shook her hand. Her cheerfulness was contagious. Now that they had brought an appropriate distance between them, Dean viewed her thoroughly. Charlie’s red hair was tied into a ponytail, her fingernails were painted in a light shade of blue and she was wearing a colorful T-shirt that read ‘Let’s get one thing straight, I’m not.’

“I wanted to make a good impression on my first day,” she commented as she noticed him staring at the shirt. “Now my eyes are up here.”

Dean laughed. He already liked this girl. “Hey, um, do have another class right now or do you wanna grab some coffee with me?” he asked.

“No, free as a bird…for the next two hours at least. Coffee sounds great.”

They sauntered across campus, Charlie doing most of the talking. So far he had learned that Charlie was from Kansas too, that she’s an only child, a sci-fi and fantasy geek and intending to major in Electrical and Computer Engineering. “And I’m a proud lesbian. Not bi, don’t get your hopes up, boy.”

“Bummer,” he say, mockingly disappointed. “I am, actually.”

“What?”

“Bi. I like girls and boys.”

Charlie squealed. “Dean, we have so much in common! You’re already my best friend on campus.”

“Just wait till you get to know me better. Maybe you’ll discover something you don’t like about me.”

“Nah, I doubt that. Now come on, let’s get your girl some caffeine.”

Charlie turned out to be right; Dean and she became best friends almost instantly. They had courses together and watched movies and discussed Charlie’s LGBTQIA+ agenda where it came up that Dean had only ever been with girls. Charlie was, however, determined to change that soon enough as Dean remarked that he’d already seen some really hot boys around campus but had, so far, been too shy to actually ask one out.

“The only time I ever tried didn’t have very pleasing results,” he told her.

“Please don’t tell me you got beaten up by that guy!”

“No, I was lucky enough to remain unharmed. Though his decline was very humiliating. His name was Victor, he was in my school’s football team. Somehow we got into talking and I thought he liked me. Like liked me, you know. Well, I was wrong. First I thought he was going to kill me after I’d asked him if he wanted to go on a date with me, but then his serious face turned into a disturbingly clownish grimace and then he just laughed. He laughed and laughed and I worried he was gonna choke because was just cackling forever and not breathing. He actually cried. Me asking him out made him cry waterfalls caused by his heavy laughter.”

“Oh Dean, that’s awful.”

“Nah, it’s okay. Anyhow, I guess and don’t need to tell you that I didn’t ask anyone out until graduation.”

“Figures,” Charlie replied.

“I was lucky enough that he didn’t seem to have told anyone about my advances,” Dean said.

“You got a certain type?” she then asked.

“Uh, I don’t know. Dark hair maybe. My high school girlfriend Lisa had dark hair and so had my first real girlfriend Tessa. Victor too…well, he’s black. But I don’t think that I have a special type. Whoever floats my boat, I guess.”

“I see,” she said. “At least now I have something to work with.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I just wanna help you getting a date with a boy.”

“Hey, don’t broadcast me swinging both ways around random guys—I’m not exactly out to the general public and I wanna be sure who I’m dealing with before I try anything.”

“What are you thinking? Of course I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m just offering my support.”

“I appreciate that, Charlie.”

“You’re welcome, Dean-o!” she laughed and slapped his shoulder.

 

One day, it was sometime in February, Charlie came over to Dean’s dorm room to watch the original _Star Wars_ trilogy together for what must have been the sixth time since their first encounter.

“Look who I found,” Charlie said when she entered Dean and Benny’s room. Tailing her was a dark-haired boy, about as tall as Dean, hiding somewhat fearfully behind her back. “Say hello to my bestie Dean…what was your name again?”

“Castiel,” the boy said cautiously. “Hello Dean.”

“Hi Casti—excuse me, what is your name?”

Charlie had stepped aside and pushed him towards Dean with a hand on his back. Castiel stumbled a bit as he was shoved closer to Dean. “I, uh, Castiel,” he repeated. “But you can call me Cas.”

“Well then, hi Cas!”

“I found him on my way here,” Charlie explained.

“You ‘found’ him?” Dean asked.

“I think ‘kidnapped’ would be more fitting,” Castiel said.

“I ran across him in the staircase of my dorm. He looked so lost, like an abandoned little puppy.”

“I wasn’t lost,” Cas rectified. “I was on the way to my room when Charlie here stopped in front of me and asked if I’d ever seen _Star Wars._ ”

“And you know what? He hasn’t!” she revealed the shocking truth. “So I chose to adopt him.”

“What about _Star Trek?_ ” Dean asked.

“No, haven’t seen that either,” Cas said.

“ _Doctor Who?_ ”

“Nope, sorry.”

“Oh, my sweet little puppy, there’s so much for you to learn,” Charlie cooed and stroked his hair.

“Actually, there’s already a lot I have to learn. Something I’m getting credits for. We’re here to study, remember,” Cas stated.

“I’ll give you credits, dear. With my help you’ll be earning your bachelor’s in Geekdom in no time.”

“Let’s better get started then. Spring semester’s already begun,” Dean said and guided Cas to sit on the couch while Charlie put the first Blu-ray in his player.

Halfway through Episode IV Charlie and Cas had a quarrel about her watching him as he watched the movie. “I’m just curious about your reaction to my favorite scenes,” she said matter-of-factly.

“I can’t relax with you staring at me all the time. I’m just really uncomfortable right now.”

“Okay, guys, we’re switching seats,” Dean said and squished himself between them. “You, pay attention to the TV,” he told Cas with an urging finger, then to Charlie, “And you sit still and do the same. No more head turning.” Both were good kids and obeyed.

Dean, though, broke the silence during the third movie. It felt wrong sitting there with a complete stranger. He didn’t know anything about the guy.

“So, uh, Cas, where’re you from?”

Cas hesitantly turned his eyes away from the screen which currently showed Princess Leia in her golden bikini. Dean didn’t even need to look to his right to know that Charlie was fully engrossed on what was happening on the TV right now.

“Indianapolis,” he said briefly. He glanced back at the TV again, somehow insecure as if he couldn’t decide whether to ogle a half-naked Leia or to continue talking to Dean.

“You?” he asked then.

“Lawrence, Kansas. Charlie here is also from Kansas.”

“Shhhht,” she hissed upon hearing her name.

Dean and Cas both tried to keep their voices down while they talked.

“You have any siblings?” Dean asked.

“Yes, a brother and a sister. I’m the middle child. You?”

“Yeah, a little brother. He’ll turn fifteen this spring.”

“What’s your major?”

“Mechanical Engineering. Yours?”

“Philosophy.”

“Really? How is that?”

“Interesting. There’s a lot to think about and discuss all the time,” Cas said and smiled at him shyly. “I’m also taking Religious Studies.”

“Ah... I’m not really religious, you know. Hardly ever went to church.” Why did he fear now that Cas wouldn’t like him for his lack of devotion?

“You don’t have to be religious for that. Objectivity is important for being able to study and compare various religions.”

“Oh, so it’s not the same as Theology?”

“No, Dean, it’s not.” He paused. “But faith has always been important in my life. I grew up in a Catholic family and community.”

Dean didn’t know how to react. Somehow he was sure Cas would start to loudly predict stuff like Dean’s certain descent to hell if it ever came up that he was bisexual and fantasized about sucking cock.

“Don’t look at me like that. I know that look. I’m not a religious fanatic, Dean, and I’m not a missionary either. I’m actually very open-minded. My parents wanted me to go to a Catholic school but I could convince them otherwise.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t, I…” Did that guy just read his mind? “Sorry, Cas. I shouldn’t have assumed—”

“It’s okay, Dean. Now shut your mouth, I wanna watch _Star Wars._ ” Cas wasn’t mad, Dean realized that. He kept smiling as he returned his attention to the TV, quickly looked back at Dean and in that brief moment Dean first noticed how blue Cas’s eyes were. He was actually really pretty. _Huh._

 

“So, what do you think of Cas? Do you like him,” Charlie asked him the next day with what might have looked like an innocent smile to anyone who wouldn’t have known her as well as Dean did. In reality there was some evil plotting behind her teeth-revealing grin.

“He’s nice, I guess.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. It was already too late to stop her anyway.

“Yeah, a little uptight maybe, but nothing we can’t fix.”

“Maybe a bit awkward but who isn’t when they meet new people…”

“And he’s hot.”

There it was. Just as Dean had expected.

“Oh, you think he’s hot? Does someone have a crush?” he teased.

“Do you?” Ouch. He fell into his own trap.

“I never said he’s hot. You did.”

“Come on, I have eyes. Just because I’m a lesbian this doesn’t mean I can’t tell if a guy’s handsome. And you seemed to enjoy talking to him.”

“Trivial stuff only,” he insisted.

“I wouldn’t file your faith talk as trivial.”

“I thought you weren’t listening. Bikini Leia was on!”

“I can watch and listen at the same time, you know.”

Dean let his shoulders fall. He had to admit defeat. “Fine. I find him attractive and he seems to be really nice.”

“You should ask him out!”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“I don’t even know if he’s single…or into guys. I mean, he looked at slave Leia the same way you do!”

“Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t date you.”

“No. First I have to be really sure. Remember what happened with Victor? I don’t wanna relive the same thing again.”

“Okay, I get it. You’re right. Then you have to meet him again.”

“I don’t have his number…”

“But I know where he lives. I’ll arrange something for you,” she concluded and winked at him before they separated for different floors of Hudson Hall.

 

Two days after their first evening together, Cas met Charlie in the laundry room. Cas tried his best not to look at the panties he spotted here and there between T-shirts with all kinds of geeky prints on them.

“Hey Cas, what’s with the red on your face? Everything alright?” she asked, oblivious to his inner conflict of trying to be decent and some primal instincts that challenged him into acting like a pervert.

“Cas?” she repeated.

“Uh, hey Charlie,” he said briefly as he collected his fresh laundry from the machine.

“You know, we haven’t really talked yet,” she tried further to start a proper conversation. “We’re having pizza tonight at Dean and Benny’s dorm. Wanna join us?”

“Benny?”

“Dean’s roommate,” she explained. “Cas, is something wrong? You’re looking a bit tense.”

“Uh, no, I’m fine.” _You’re nineteen years old. You wanted this. Mixed dorms. This wouldn’t have happened at Notre Dame._ At least he didn’t have to worry about Meg having to face a creep like him right now. Oh, he missed her.

With his thoughts elsewhere he hadn’t noticed Charlie grabbing an item from his laundry basket.

“Look what we have here! Wouldn’t have taken you for a Superman fan,” she said, holding up his only pair of neither black nor navy boxer briefs.

Cas wouldn’t have minded much dying right here and now. Charlie—a girl!—had his Superman underwear hanging from her index finger and was waiting for him to confirm her statement. Yes, he grew up in a household with another girl, his sister, but this was something entirely different.

Quickly he reached out one arm and grabbed the scandalous garment from her to stuff it under less incriminating pieces of clothing.

“Dude, relax,” she said as calmly as she wanted him to be. “Do you think I haven’t touched a guy’s underwear before?”

“Uh…”

Then she retreated, “Well, actually I haven’t.” She laughed. “You know, it’s so unfair that all the cool stuff mostly comes in men’s sizes. I have a few men’s shirts but even the smallest ones look huge on me. With underwear it’s even worse. I mean, sure, for girls there’s the standard stuff like Superman, Batman… Geek boys have it so much better when it comes to adequate clothing.”

What was she even talking about? “Uh, I didn’t buy these myself,” he began to explain. “My cousin Gabriel gave them to me for my birthday. He thought it’s funny. He said my girlfriend would love them.”

“Your girlfriend?” she asked with a sudden interest. So that’s where this was supposed to be going. Obviously Charlie had a crush on him.

“Yeah, her name’s Meg. We went to high school together.” _Sorry, Charlie. This guy’s taken._

“She also at Duke?”

“No, she’s going to Notre Dame. But we’re trying a long distance relationship. I mean, we’re supposed to be studying anyway, so I think it’s for the best if we’re not distracting each other all the time. We still have the summer break. And we got to spend time together during the Christmas holidays.”

“And how’s this going so far?”

“Good, I guess. We’re skyping at least once a week and we’re texting quite a lot. Mostly about school stuff though.”

“Cool,” she said but seemed to be thinking something else. “So, what about pizza now?” she then asked.

“Uh, sure. I’d like that. Thanks for asking me,” he said.

“Great! Shall we meet at the main entrance in two hours?”

“I’ll be there,” he said and waved his hand as goodbye before he picked up his laundry basket and left for his room. He just hoped Charlie wouldn’t pursue anything further to getting him around now that she knew he had a girlfriend a few states over.

Later, when they got to the common area at Dean and Benny’s, Cas was really anxious about meeting so many new people all at once. Dean he had already met, but then there was Benny who was quite intimidating at first sight, but Charlie reassured him that he was in fact just a big, soft teddy bear. Other new people were Garth and Ash. Garth was a lean, awkward guy who made Cas feel much better about himself as he saw how well Garth got along with all the others. He also learned that Garth shared Charlie’s love for D&D which was what they first bonded over. Ash, on the other hand, was much more confident with himself. Cas supposed he had to be with that kind of hairstyle. Who even wore a mullet post-eighties? Ash and Charlie had the same major and Cas soon gave up on trying to follow their discussion about computer stuff.

As the last slice of pizza was eaten up, Cas had mostly kept to Garth’s company after Charlie’s introduction to everyone. He was nice, but he’d much rather talk to someone else now. When Garth excused himself, Cas’s opportunity to mingle a bit more had finally arrived. He looked around the room. Ash was still deep into a debate with a guy Cas was pretty sure was named Kevin; Benny was laughing with some other, equally big guy who Cas hadn’t noticed before and Charlie was nowhere to be seen. There were also two more girls whose names Cas didn’t know and who were heavily focused on their phones. He wasn’t sure if they were even part of this gathering or just happened to be there.

Cas didn’t know what to do. It would have been impolite to just leave for his room without at least saying good night to Charlie, so he wandered around a little, hoping to find her and get him out of his misery.

He had no luck one way down the hallway, so he turned around and walked into the other direction, passing the common area again where there was still no sign of Charlie. He was obviously suffering some serious case of Stockholm syndrome, because two days ago she basically abducted him and now he was looking for her everywhere like a child that lost their parents at the mall. Despite her unconventional way of approaching him, he had been grateful for getting invited to watch a movie. Cas was a rather introverted person and hadn’t really made friends during his first year at Duke so far and Charlie now had the potential to be more than just a college mate to him. The thing with her crush on him could be getting in the way of forming a proper friendship but he guessed Charlie had learned soon enough about Meg to avoid that.

He stopped in his tracks when he rounded the corner and saw Charlie at the far end of the hallway. She was in company of some other girl and they were…making out!

What was happening?

“Oh, there she is,” he heard Dean’s voice behind him.

Cas turned around to him, an expression of shock on his face.

“Yeah, Charlie’s a lesbian,” Dean stated. “Surprise?”

“I, uh…a lesbian you say? I guess that _is_ a surprise,” Cas said, trying not to look back at what was happening only a few feet away.

“You haven’t got a problem with that, do you?” Dean asked. It didn’t sound casual though, but rather like Dean was accusing him of homophobia. Despite his belief, Cas was, in fact, not a homophobe and he was offended that Dean was even thinking that, although he understood why Dean was suspecting it. Sadly, not everyone in his church’s community was as unbiased as he was.

“I don’t have a problem with Charlie liking girls like that,” he said, “it’s just…”

“What? You’d prefer if she’d be smooching a guy right now?” Cas noticed Dean’s passive-aggressive tone.

“No, I… Actually I’m a little relieved right now,” he said.

Dean raised an eyebrow in question as he took a sip from his cup.

“I thought she was having a crush on me,” Cas admitted finally.

Dean choked on his drink, snorted and soda shot out of his nostrils onto the floor and Cas.

“Sorry,” Dean said and coughed, tears in his eyes. Cas handed him a tissue from his pocket and Dean wiped his face and the floor dry with it, then he started laughing between more coughs. He laughed so hard he had difficulties staying upright, so he held onto Cas’s shoulder for support. “You smell like cherry,” he pressed out instead of breathing, laughing even harder.

“I know. You blew Dr Pepper on me through your nose,” Cas said.

Dean’s face was so read from laughter that Cas started to worry about him. “Dean, calm down.”

Dean slid down the wall until he reached the—thanks to him sticky—floor. He coughed out a few more laughs before his breathing eventually returned to a normal rhythm. Cas sat next to him, their backs against the wall.

“Dude, how did you even get the impression that Charlie was into you?” Dean asked, drying his tears with his sleeve.

“Uh, I don’t know. There was this thing in the laundry room, how she just stuck her hand into my stuff.”

“Ah yes, the thing with the Superman underwear,” Dean said, like he knew exactly what Cas was talking about.

“She told you that?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry. I have pairs with Batman, Darth Vader,” then in a lower voice, leaning closer to Cas’s ear, “I even got a pair with Ewoks, but don’t tell anyone that. I left them at my parents’ so no-one would find them here.”

“Why are you telling me that?”

“I know about yours, so it’s only fair to let you know about mine,” Dean said with a smile on his lips.

Cas smiled back. Dean was nice. Nicer than anyone he had met at Duke so far.

“Thank you, Dean.”

“No problem, man,” Dean said and patted his knee.

“You know, Charlie also seemed to be very interested in finding out about my girlfriend. But I guess she just wanted to get to know me better.”

“Yeah,” Dean said, his smile faltering a little, but only slightly so Cas wasn’t sure if he might have been imagining it, “I’ve heard about that too. What was her name again?”

“Meg,” Cas said. “She’s at Notre Dame now but we’re dealing with the situation pretty well. At least I think we do.”

“Tell me about her,” Dean said.

“Well, she’s pretty,” he chuckled, “not that that’s most important to me, but there’s no need to leave it unmentioned.” Dean laughed too.

“She has black hair, brown eyes…a beautiful face. She’s also really smart and she has an incredible sense of humor. I have to admit that I found her quite intimidating when we met. She kept following me around between classes which did nothing to make me less afraid of her. But then I got to actually know her and we’ve been getting along very well ever since. It wasn’t an easy decision whether to break up or try long distance after our high school graduation. I wanted to give it a try and she agreed.”

“Is it hard for you to be apart from her for such a long time?”

“Sometimes,” Cas said. “There was this overall homesickness when I first got here and I couldn’t really tell who exactly I was missing the most. But I have my studies to attend to which makes it easier.”

“Yeah, I get what you’re talking about. I miss my family, my little brother especially a lot. I was lucky enough, though, to meet Charlie at the very begging and she’s become my best friend and guess I’m gonna miss her over the summer break. But I’m from Lawrence and she’s from Topeka which is not far away, so I might not have to miss her that much during the summer.”

“What’s your brother’s name?” Cas asked.

“Sammy. Well, Sam. He always tells me he’s too old now to be called ‘Sammy.’” There was honest affection in his voice and in his eyes as Dean spoke about his brother. Cas began to really like him.

“Tell me about your siblings. You said you’ve got two?”

“Yes. Michael is twenty-one, he’s the oldest. He’s also going to college back in Indiana. And my younger sister Hannah is sixteen. We also have a cat. His name is Francis… I miss him too.”

“I’m allergic to cats,” Dean said.

“Oh, that’s bad. They’re great animals.”

“Sam always wanted a dog but my dad said no; he doesn’t like them. His unfulfilled desire has become so strong over the years that my mom and I are now certain that when he’s grown up and lives on his own, he’ll open his own shelter for stray dogs.”

Cas laughed at that picture—Dean’s little brother surrounded by all kinds of dogs begging for attention.

“Oh, hey guys. Looks like the floor’s very comfortable here,” said Charlie, who had just come around the corner with the blonde girl on her arm.

“So, tell me, Gilda…is Charlie a good kisser?” Dean said with a smirk.

Charlie glared at him.

“Actually, she is,” the girl named Gilda said and smiled at her.

Dean proceeded to get up and when he was on his feet he stretched out his hand for Cas to help him stand up too.

“Gilda, this is Cas,” Charlie began to introduce them. “Cas, this is Gilda.”

“Hi,” they said both as they shook hands.

“You wanna stay here or get back with us to the others?” Charlie asked.

Dean looked at Cas and Cas just shrugged his shoulders.

“We’re coming too. After you, ladies,” Dean said and made a theatrical gesture.

Honestly, Cas would have much rather stayed there a little longer, just he and Dean talking a bit more. He was anxious Dean could have chatted enough with him for tonight already and would much rather have a conversation with someone else now which would leave Cas to himself again—or to Garth.

However, his worries had been unnecessary. Dean stayed by his side for the rest of the evening. Benny talked a lot about basketball but Dean conveniently changed the topic so Cas could join in on their exchange. They also talked more with Gilda who was very interested in Cas’s Philosophy classes and Cas profited from some of her views she had gained in one of her Gender Studies courses. Cas wouldn’t have expected Dean to also contribute to the discourse but he did and he had a few very good points.

“Maybe you should change your major,” Gilda said. “I could see you very well doing a presentation on feminism. We could use a few more men in our department.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so. But thanks for the compliment,” Dean said with a wave of his hand.

Cas was really having fun but he had also gotten really tired and Dean caught him stifling a yawn.

“I think I’m gonna call it a night,” Dean said then. “What about you, Cas?”

“Uh, yeah, I’ll leave too. It’s getting late. It was nice meeting you, Gilda.”

They also said good night to Charlie, Benny and the others and Dean followed Cas down the stairs. When it was time for them to separate, Dean looked at him expectantly as Cas stopped for their goodbye. Dean didn’t show any sign of wanting to shake hands or fist bump or maybe hug or…this was awkward. Being with new people with whom you still didn’t know how to behave was awkward.

“Um, the exit’s that way,” Cas explained.

“I know, Cas. I’m walking you home. You have to go ahead; I don’t know where your room is.”

“You’re—? Okay.” Cas did as he was told, a little confused but glad that he got to spend a few more minutes with Dean.

“Here we are,” he said as he stopped at his door. “I have to show you my room some other time though. I’m pretty sure my roommate’s asleep already.”

“It’s not that late,” Dean said.

“I know. He likes to get up at five thirty and do some workout before breakfast.”

“That sounds awful. Do you get woken up every time?”

“Well, yeah. But most mornings I manage to fall asleep again before my own alarm goes off.”

“Dude, you should reassign for another roommate unless you wanna keep this going for the next three years.”

“I’ve considered that option, yes. But who knows who I’d end up then. Ishim’s fine…and I also like to go for a run on occasion, so maybe I should just go with him.”

“Before six?”

“Well,” Cas looked at his shoes, “I’m actually not a morning person.”

“When are usually able to function?” Dean asked.

“With enough caffeine, eight is bearable.”

Dean chuckled, studying his feet now, too. Then he asked, shyly, “Hey, um, do you have time for coffee tomorrow morning? Maybe nine-ish?”

A twinkle appeared in Cas’s eyes. “Yes, Dean. I would like that very much.”

“Cool, then…” He made one step down the hallway before stepping back right to his former position. “One last thing.”

“Yes?”

Dean retrieved his phone from his pocket and handed it to Cas. “Your number, please.” Cas took it from him with a smile and quickly created a new contact with his name and phone number.

“Thanks,” Dean said, smiling, as Cas returned his phone. “See you tomorrow!”

“Have a good night, Dean,” Cas said and watched as Dean walked down the hallway and out the door.

Just as he entered his room, his phone pinged, receiving a text from an unknown number.

 _Good night, Cas_ it said, with the sleepy emoji at the end.

Cas fell asleep with a big smile on his face. He had made a friend today.

 

“How was your coffee date with Cas?” Charlie asked as she sat down next to Dean in the lecture room.

“It wasn’t a date,” he said, making a grimace like he had just been told by his mom to play with the neighbor’s kid who was always mean to others.

“Right,” she said briskly.

“He has a _girlfriend_ ” Dean reminded her.

“Yeah, and the long distance relationship with his high school sweetheart will last forever.”

“I’m not wasting my energy trying to get into a guy’s pants if he’s got a girlfriend and is most probably 100% straight.” He opened his textbook at a random page to appear busy. “And also I really like him. As a friend I mean.”

“Yeah, he’s cool. Gilda thinks so too.”

“She your girlfriend now?”

“Nooo,” she replied, her voice an octave higher than usual. “We haven’t talked about it yet. Maybe I just want it to be a casual thing, I don’t know.”

“Wanna hear a fun story?”

“Sure, tell me.”

“Cas thought you had a crush on him.”

“What?” she exclaimed, causing other students to look at her. Then she resumed, not so loudly, “but he has seen me with Gilda.”

“Yeah, then it dawned on him that he might have interpreted your signals wrong.”

“What signals?”

“You were curious about his girlfriend.”

“Because of you!”

“I know that. He doesn’t, though. And your rummaging in his dirty laundry didn’t help either.”

“It wasn’t dirty.”

“Anyway, now he knows that you are strictly into girls.”

“Good,” she replied and retrieved her notes from her backpack.

“The thing with his girlfriend sucks. You looked so cute together,” she said after a while.

“Leave it be, Charlie. He’s a cool guy and I’m okay with being just friends with him.” It was true. Dean would have liked to go on an actual date with him but it was fine as it was now.

“Does he know you’re—”

“No, and he doesn’t need to. Not yet.”

 

In the following weeks Dean and Cas met frequently, including showings of Dean’s favorite Star Trek films. When they began with _The Voyage Home,_ Charlie was also present, but during _First Contact_ it was just the two boys. Dean failed to admit that the atmosphere was giving off some serious date vibes. They weren’t sitting particularly close together as there wasn’t limited space like with Charlie there, but the air seemed to crackle between them. At least from Dean’s point of view it did. He had a hard time restraining himself from scooting over, pressing his side to Cas’s and casually moving an arm around his shoulders. As they got further into the movie, Dean relaxed notably, finally able to enjoy Cas’s company.

They soon got beyond the point where they needed a certain activity as excuse to meet up. Dean was perfectly fine with just talking to Cas. And Cas was someone who Dean soon realized he could really open up to.

Cas told him about how he grew up with devout Catholics as parents and the church’s rules that used to dominate his upbringing. Dean learned that Cas had spent years actively participating in Sunday Masses as altar boy, and no, he did not laugh at the sound of that. Cas was also much involved in his youth group, leading all kinds activities with the kids, such as camping trips, charity campaigns and movie nights. The films shown, though, were obviously not those Dean would have chosen—hence the need for tutoring.

Regular confession had also been important for Cas. Apparently, there was a lot one could feel guilty for when obeying and serving the church from a very young age on and he’d rather play it safe by probably confessing more than necessary. As he got older, though, Cas realized that he actually was a good person and didn’t have to fear eternal damnation for every tiny slip. He became more confident with himself and dared to try live his life to a certain degree differently from his parents’ plan for their children. One of those steps towards sovereignty, and most likely the biggest to date, was convincing them to let him go to college not only pretty much out of their reach, but also independently from the grasp of Catholic authority. And lo, Cas had succeeded. He was free to be a person of his own.

Dean admired Cas for his determination. He, surely, wouldn’t have come this far if he were in Cas’s place. His own parents hadn’t been as strict as Cas’s. His dad, though, could be much of a traditionalist when it came to certain matters—which was one of the reasons Dean hadn’t yet come out to his parents about his sexuality. John Winchester, without doubt, would throw a tantrum if or when he’d find out about his eldest son being attracted to guys.

He’d talk about his father’s character traits, leaving out this particular detail about his own personality however. Dean still wasn’t sure what Cas’s reaction would be. Yes, he appeared to be perfectly fine with Charlie being gay…but Cas could think Dean was into him—which he was not (that much)—and then stop being his friend. Dean’s fear was probably stupid and unreasoning but he didn’t want to risk anything.

Dean could talk with Cas about (almost) everything and he was so lucky to have him. Charlie had become his best friend in the past months but his bond with Cas was set on a much higher level of intimacy within the realms of friendship.

Everything was fine as long as Cas didn’t talk about his girlfriend, which he didn’t do exceedingly often but it was still too much for Dean’s liking and he hated every second of it. He wasn’t jealous, no…not at all—he just childishly wanted every piece of Cas’s attention directed at him when they were alone.

 

For spring break Cas got picked up by his cousin Gabriel—the famous Gabriel with the Superman underwear. Dean met him too on that occasion and hardly doubted he and Cas were actually related. Dean didn’t like him.

Dean, Charlie, Benny, Gilda and Ash made a trip to the North Carolina coast, splitting the costs for a vacation rental. The weather was good and they made long walks on the beach during the day, enjoying the warmth of a strength-gaining spring sun and a mild breeze that brought ashore the smell of the ocean. Ash and Benny tried to build a sandcastle but failed due to the lack of proper tools. In the end it was more of a wall enclosing a mostly rectangular space with four higher parts at the corners supposed to be watchtowers which Ash and Benny decided to call a fort.

Dean took a picture with his phone. Sunset was approaching and the light was perfect; it gave the whole scenery a somewhat romantic atmosphere. He felt nostalgic and sent the image to the first person that came to his mind: Cas. _Ash and Benny built a fort._

Then he typed out another message. _You should be here with us._

When they had returned to their cabin Dean received a picture from Cas. It showed him sleeping on an unfamiliar couch. One hand was under his head, serving as pillow, the other one above his heart. His shirt had ridden up a bit, exposing the tan skin of Cas’s stomach.

The image had no additional text. It was just Cas, peacefully lost in the land of dreams.

Dean smiled at the image, wondering what Cas wanted to tell him with it. Something warm stirred awake in his chest. No, Dean was not feeling any feelings. Absolutely not. Cas’s motivation behind sending the picture was for sure completely innocent. No hidden meaning underneath. No, really—

_Gabriel stole my phone when I was taking a nap._

Okay. This explained a lot. Dean still felt some kind of disappointment. On the plus side, though, he had a picture of sleepy Cas now. Maybe Gabriel wasn’t that bad after all.

_Your picture looks nice. I wish I could be there with you! Would certainly be more fun than with my mean cousin here._

_Next year you’re spending spring break with me,_ Dean texted back. Shit, he wanted to write _with_ _us._

 _Deal :)_ _,_ Cas wrote. _I’m looking forward to it._

“What’re doing?” Charlie asked, having sneaked up behind him.

“Just texting Cas.”

“How is he?”

“His cousin is a pain in his ass,” Dean said and showed her the image.

“Aw, what a cutie!”

Gilda’s laugh echoed from the kitchen. “How’s your girlfriend?” Dean asked.

“She’s not my _girlfriend,_ ” she replied, wrenching the word strangely in her mouth. “She’s a girl and a friend who I occasionally like to make out with.”

“How’s she defining your relationship?”

“Same. She wants to meet other people too.”

“You’re okay with that?”

“Sure. There’s more female population on campus to be explored,” Charlie said as she climbed over the backrest of the sofa Dean was sitting on and sunk lazily into the cushion next to him.

“Yeah, more female _and_ male population,” Dean added.

They spent the rest of the evening having dinner, playing ‘Truth or Dare,’ and teasing Charlie about her revelation that her first crush was Gadget from _Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers._

 

It was the second day of school after spring break had ended and Dean hadn’t seen Cas yet. They had been texting regularly and Cas had entertained him with the adventures he had involuntarily experienced because of Gabriel. The cousins were like night and day but Dean found it cool that they were getting along nevertheless.

Dean was getting antsy and messaged Cas about when he had time. Cas told him to come over at six when his roommate would have left for the library.

In the end Dean was a bit early but he couldn’t have waited any longer. He missed his friend, okay?

Just as he was about to knock, Cas’s roommate opened the door, backpack swung over his shoulder. “He’s talking to his girlfriend but he’ll be done soon,” Ishim said as he let Dean step inside, then he left, closing the door behind him.

Cas was talking to Meg? Maybe he should come back later—

“Dean, come here. I wanna introduce you to someone.”

Fuck. He didn’t want to talk to Meg.

Dean crossed the room and Cas signaled him to sit down next to him on his bed, opposite the laptop.

“Meg, this is my friend Dean,” Cas explained towards the screen.

Dean recognized the girl in the Skype window; Cas had shown him pictures.

“Hi,” Dean said and awkwardly waved his hand at the camera. “Cas has told me so much about you.” What else was he supposed to say?

“He’s speaking very fondly of you too,” she said. “Anyway, I have to go now. It was nice talking to you, Dean. Bye, Cas!”

“Goodbye, Meg. Have a nice evening!” Cas replied before the screen went dark and he closed the lid.

“Had a nice conversation?” Dean asked hesitantly.

“Yes. It always feels good talking to her,” Cas responded.

“Uh, I… Can I ask you something?” Dean stammered.

“Of course, Dean.”

“How does… I mean you don’t get much privacy here. How does this work with…you know,” he asked, mumbling the last words and raising his eyebrows in a conspiratorial manner.

Cas gave him a confused look. “How does what work?”

“Well, you know…when you want to spice things up a little.”

“Dean, honestly, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Cas had moved a little on the bed and was leaning his back against the wall, eyeing Dean curiously.

“Phone sex, Cas!” Dean blurted out. “Or Skype sex. Whatever.”

Cas face heated up as soon as Dean’s words had left his mouth, his ears suddenly appearing to be on fire.

“Oh, I…” His eyes were wandering restlessly around the room in a desperate search for something to focus on that was not Dean.

“Cas?” Dean asked with serious concern. He might have overstepped some boundaries with this sort of question. “You don’t have to tell me,” he said and put a hand on Cas’s shoulder.

“No, I… It’s okay,” Cas said, finally being able to look at Dean. Then he continued, fidgeting with his fingers in his lap, “We haven’t exactly, I mean, we have never…”

“You’ve never had sex?” Dean helped.

Cas shook his head. “No.”

“Sorry, Cas. It was rude of me to ask such a private thing.”

“No, it’s fine, Dean. I just haven’t ever had someone to talk about,” he paused, then, gesturing with his hands, “ _this.”_

“Not even Meg?”

“Not really, no. It was more of a silent agreement between us to not push things this far. I mean, we’ve been making out a lot and maybe there was some touching above the waist, but we’ve never gone all the way.”

“Have you seen each other naked, partially at least?” Dean further interrogated. Why was he asking these things?

“Nooo?” Cas answered, his voice getting higher at the end. “We’ve never been ready for that,” he said, tracing an imaginary pattern on the plain white wall. “Well, I haven’t,” he resumed. “I’m not so sure about her but I’m happy she didn’t try to talk me into anything I didn’t really wanna do.”

Dean nodded, not sure how to respond.

“Also, we’ve always been around people who tried to make us believe premarital intercourse is bad, but I’m not convinced. It can’t be wrong if you’re cautious and respectful, that’s what I think.” The speed of his talking was rushed like he tried to get the words out before he became too mortified of their meaning to actually speak them.

They were silent for a minute, then Cas asked, “Have you—?”

“Yeah, with my ex-girlfriend Lisa. She’s the only one so far.”

“How was that?”

“Good?” Why did he make it sound like a question? “It was good, yes. You get better at it. The first time is always awkward, I guess. I was so nervous I almost backed out…but I’m glad I didn’t.”

“How did you know you were ready?”

Dean had to think about that. He couldn’t really remember. “I guess it just felt right, you know. We’d been dating for a while and she was fun and pretty and I was excited to finally take this step. We talked about it, responsibly took precautions—safer sex is important, keep that in mind,” he said in a comically sententious way to ease Cas’s obvious tenseness and his own as well. It seemed to work as Cas gave him a shy smile.

“I think you just have to know and be sure that you’ve found the right person to do it with,” Dean concluded. Then they were silent for a moment.

“You’re really good at this,” Cas said eventually.

“Good at what?”

“Making me feel good about discussing a subject I find kinda unsettling.”

“Stop flattering me,” Dean said dismissively and felt a blush creeping up his neck.

“No, I mean it. Thank you, Dean.”

Dean rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Cas, you, uh…you can ask me, you know, about sex, if there’re more questions coming to your mind. Any time.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that,” Cas said.

 

“Uh, I want it to end. Please tell me it’s going to end,” Charlie sighed as she slumped onto the chair next to Cas’s, a coffee cup in her hand.

“It’ll be over eventually, yes,” Cas said dryly.

Charlie dropped her head onto his shoulder. Finals were approaching and there had been a significant shift to the overall mood of his fellow students. No-one was relaxed enough to just sit down and drink their coffee in peace. Everybody was restless, no time to linger anywhere but with their noses buried in their books and notes.

“Everything’s going to be fine, Charlie,” Cas said and rocked his body in a way that he hoped would comfort his friend a little.

“Why are you so calm?” she asked. “You should be freaking out like everyone else.”

“It’s not like I’ve never written a test before,” he replied, throwing a hand in the air as he noticed Dean entering the coffee shop. Dean waved slightly and got in line behind the counter.

“I feel like my head is already too stuffed to fit more…stuff in it. It’s full, Cas. Exploding!” She reenacted the supposed explosion with her hands. “Poof. I’m dead.”

“You’ll live, Charlie. Believe me.”

“Hey guys,” Dean said, taking a seat at their table. “Did I miss something?” Charlie’s head was still mostly supported by Cas’s shoulder.

“Charlie’s complaining,” Cas said.

“’m not,” she mumbled against Cas’s shirt.

“Yes you are.”

“Benny’s the same. It’s really annoying,” Dean said.

“You seem pretty relaxed though,” Cas noticed.

“You know me, I’m just a really cool guy. Cool about everything,” Dean deadpanned.

Cas laughed. “That you are.” Then an idea popped up in his head.

“Hey Dean, uh, I was wondering…” He paused. What if Dean didn’t accept his request? He’d considered this several times already since they’d become friends but never really thought it through. “Would you like to be my roommate next year?”

“Whheeee!” Charlie was suddenly wide awake and not cranky anymore, looking at Dean expectantly.

Dean had a wide grin on his face. “That’d be great, Cas. Yes, I wanna be your roommate.”

Did he even grasp how much joy his acceptance had just given him? He only hoped their applications were going to be considered but he was positive they’d get it worked out.

“Oh guys, I’m so happy for you!” Charlie squealed and pressed a kiss on Cas’s cheek which flared up under the contact. Dean’s coffee nearly got spilled as she leaned over the table to do the same to him.

“I’m telling you, next year’s gonna be great!” she predicted, seeming to be almost more excited about the new developments than Cas was.

“Are you thinking about asking Gilda the same thing?” Cas asked.

“Nah,” she said, obviously loath to the suggestion. “I think we’re calling it off…this not-a-thing-thing we’ve been having for much too long now.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Cas said sincerely.

“It’s alright. I knew from the beginning that we’d expire before the semester ends.” She took a deep breath. “Anyway, I have to run. The lab’s waiting for me. Dean, are you coming with me?”

“No, I’ll study in my room later after I’ve finished my coffee,” he said.

“Okay then. Bye guys!”

Dean followed her with his eyes until she had disappeared through the door. “So, roommates, huh?” he said then, facing Cas again.

“Are you looking forward to us living together?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, Cas. It’s gonna be awesome.”

They smiled at each other until the length of their eye contact had become too awkward to uphold, but both boys kept grinning at their coffee cups after they’d eventually broken it. There’d be so much more he was going to learn about Dean—things you’d only find out about a person if you shared a room with them for a certain amount of time.


	2. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- Dean's first time with a guy  
> \- John Winchester being John Winchester

Dean spent the summer like the two previous summers: working at Uncle Bobby’s garage.

Bobby Singer was an old family friend who had noticed Dean’s interest in cars from early on. It was also he who had taught the boy everything he knew about fixing cars. Dean liked working with his hands and didn’t mind getting sweaty and greasy in the process. He had even considered becoming a mechanic himself and one day taking over Bobby’s shop but his parents and Bobby encouraged him to make more of his talent, so Dean studied hard with the goal to become an engineer. And that was exactly what he was working towards now in college. The summer, though, was dedicated to repairing cars at Bobby’s. The old man couldn’t pay him much but Dean was grateful for the opportunity.

It was good to be home again, back in Lawrence, with his parents and his brother. Sure, he missed his new friends, but Charlie was scheduled to come visit him during half-time of their summer break. His parents had already given him a thumbs up for his friend’s stay at their house.

“Oh, it’s so nice that you even want to see her during the summer!” his mother said. “Is she a nice girl? Tell me, Dean. What’s she like?”

“Charlie’s great, mom. She’s quirky and witty and she can also be really sweet…but don’t tell her I said that. You’ll love her. She’s also really smart—she’s studying Computer Engineering.”

“You miss her, huh?” His dad had chosen to be a part of the conversation, too.

“Well, yeah. She’s my best friend.”

“She pretty?” _Yeah, dad._ That’s _the important thing to ask._

“Uh, maybe. I don’t know.”

“How can you not know? Don’t you have eyes?”

“John!” Mary scolded her husband.

“I don’t care what she looks like, dad!”

“Yeah, what matters is what she’s like on the inside.” He winked. “Gotcha,” he said, huffed and went off.

“She’s really just a friend,” Dean reassured his mom.

“I know, Dean. Don’t listen to your father.”

Luckily, his father didn’t get back to him later to find out more about Charlie and her looks.

The new roommate assignment had also been confirmed in the meantime and Cas was set to share a room with him for the year coming. Benny had been pissed, understandably, but Dean was sure he’d get over it until the new semester started. Cas was his best friend, next to Charlie, and it was only logical they’d become roommates. Dean was a little anxious because of his dormant attraction towards Cas but he was certain those feelings would go away the first time Dean was confronted with Cas’s dirty socks scattered on their floor. Of course, he didn’t know whether Cas was messy or not, though according to Ishim he wasn’t. Anyway, sharing such a small space always caused tension which would surely be of help against developing any further desire.

The summer heat, combined with physical work, left Dean wrenched in sweat, despite air-conditioning which didn’t seem to work as well as it used to. He felt dirty and was already fantasizing about the shower he was going to take when he finally got off in an hour. When he got up from under the car he had been working on, the sight of sheer beauty in the other corner of Bobby’s garage caught his eye and made him stumble so that he had to hold onto the hood of the car to find his balance. The handprint he’d made was clearly visible but he’d been going to clean it anyway. There, only a few feet away from him, was a green 1970 Plymouth Barracuda. He hadn’t seen the owner when the car had come in as he’d been busy lying under another car but he definitely needed to meet and congratulate them on this precious piece of design history.

He quickly washed his hands and, making sure nobody was working on it anymore, walked up to the car and opened the hood, marveling at the Cuda’s rich inner life.

“I thought it’s done. Something else wrong with my car?” a man’s voice said from behind Dean’s back.

Dean quickly closed the hood and turned around. “Sorry. I just wanted to take a look.” The young man opposite him was tall and bulky. “That’s a real treasure you have there,” Dean said.

“Yeah, my one and only,” the guy said.

“Mine is the Impala outside,” Dean told him.

“Oh yeah? I’ve already been admiring it when I waited for my car to get fixed.”

Dean scratched nervously at his elbow. “She’s my baby,” he said dumbly and the guy laughed but then he said, “I’m Gunnar,” and offered Dean his hand.

Dean out of habit wiped his already clean hand on his pants and took Gunnar’s with a firm grip. “Hi, I’m Dean.”

“Fancy a ride in my car when you get off, Dean?” Gunnar asked.

The offer left Dean breathless, goosebumps appearing on his arms. “Yeah, cool, thanks,” he replied in search for the right words. “I’ll finish in an hour. But I really should shower before. I’d never forgive myself getting grease on your seats. How about we’d have dinner first? There’s a great barbecue down the road…we could meet there in two hours.”

Gunnar looked at him, his expression unreadable. Did Dean just ask him out by accident?

“I’ll see you there, Dean,” he said after a minute. He squeezed Dean’s shoulder and got into his car.

Yes! He was making some rounds in a ’70 Plymouth Barracuda soon. Maybe Gunnar would even let him drive a bit. He tried not to get too excited and finished his work quickly enough so that Bobby agreed to let him off ten minutes early.

Dean rushed home, showered thoroughly and put on a fresh pair of jeans and a slim fitted black T-shirt. Gunnar was already waiting by his car in the parking lot when Dean arrived. He glanced down at Dean’s rather tight jeans before he greeted him. A waitress found them a table and they placed their orders.

“So, Dean,” Gunnar started. “What do you do besides fixing cars?”

“I study Mechanical Engineering in North Carolina. The work at Bobby’s shop is only a summer job…which I love, don’t get me wrong.”

Gunnar raised an eyebrow. “Good looking and smart. Nice.”

If Dean had ever had a doubt that Gunnar had taken an interest in him that went beyond their shared enthusiasm about classic cars, it was definitely crushed now.

Dean gaped for air. It was happening! His first date with a guy was finally happening! And he was only actually realizing it now.

They talked a bit more about Dean’s mechanical knowledge and his work at Uncle Bobby’s before their food arrived. After dinner Gunnar told him that he was only in town for his cousin’s bachelor party which he planned to swing by later. It wasn’t really his favorite cousin so he didn’t particularly care about missing out on him and his friends going to a strip club and getting wasted.

Gunnar was 26 and used to have a great chance at having a career as boxing champion but an injury three years ago put a definite end to those plans. He showed Dean the scar he’d gotten, which Dean was weirdly impressed and turned on by.

“I think I was promised a ride in your car,” Dean said when their drinks had been finished. He tried his best to sound seductive, letting his voice drop painfully low.

“Yes, I think you’re right,” Gunnar replied as suggestively as Dean had spoken.

They paid their bill and headed to the parking lot. “Can I drive?” Dean asked, already knowing the answer.

“In your dreams,” Gunnar said and laughed.

They drove around town for some time, street lights passing by on their cruise through the warm summer night.

They had been silent, aside from Dean’s occasional comment about the engine’s sound. Then Gunnar said, “You know what…I think it won’t hurt if I let you behind the wheel for a moment.”

Dean’s face brightened. “Cool,” he said, trying to be casual about the suggestion.

Gunnar steered the car into an empty parking lot and switched places with Dean.

Dean carefully turned the key in the ignition. The engine roared. “Whoo,” Dean giggled, his hands were almost shaking, the fine hairs at the back of his neck stood up in excitement.

“Drive around in circles,” Gunnar told him. “But don’t put too much pressure on the gas.”

Dean was as cautious as his thrill would let him. He giggled again like a little girl when the car began to move.

“Having a good time?” Gunnar asked, seemingly entertained by Dean’s childlike joyousness.

“Yeah!” Dean answered and let the engine howl.

After five minutes Gunnar said, “I think that’s enough now,” and Dean stopped the car under a street lamp without negotiating for some extra time. He turned off the engine and turned to Gunnar who was looking at him. “Thank you. That was fun,” Dean said.

“You like the car?” Gunnar asked.

“Pffft! Yeah, I do,” Dean said. What kind of question was that even?

“You like _me?_ ”

 _Oh shit oh shit oh shit._ “Uh huh.” That was the only answer Dean was capable off. It was obviously enough for Gunnar who leaned in and kissed him.

Now that was a story one could tell their grandchildren. ‘Where were you the first time you kissed a guy, grandpa?’ ‘In the driver’s seat of a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda.’

Dean felt Gunnar’s stubble against his skin—the biggest difference from kissing girls so far. Well, and Gunnar’s mouth was bigger and his thick long tongue was trying to get access and Dean gladly parted his lips and let it slide in.

“You’re a really handsome guy, Dean,” Gunnar said after they had been kissing for some time.

“You’re, um, I like your muscles,” Dean spluttered.

Gunnar let out a deep long laugh. “Come on,” he said, “the backseat’s not that big but I bet we could get more comfortable there. You’d like that?”

“Yeah,” Dean choked out and they quickly pushed the seats in the front as far forward as possible and crammed into the back.

Gunnar was half draped over Dean as he kissed him again, careful not to crush him under his weight. He gently pushed the T-shirt over Dean’s head and placed kisses from his jaw downwards along his neck to his collarbone. “You too,” Dean breathed out and pulled at the hem of Gunnar’s shirt. Dean had to gasp for air at the sight of Gunnar’s well-shaped athlete’s body.

“You like what you see?” Gunnar asked amusedly.

Dean gave him a brief nod and leaned forward to put a wet kiss in the gap between his pecs. Gunnar moaned in response and Dean was getting seriously hard in his much too tight jeans. Dean gripped tightly at his beefy arms and felt the flexing of muscles under his fingertips.

Gunnar held himself up with one arm on the backrest as he started to undo his belt with the other, then button and zipper and pulled out his swollen cock.

Dean’s eyes got huge at the sight. He was shivering visibly, his breathing fast, heart racing.

“Have you ever been with a guy, Dean?” Gunnar asked.

Dean shook his head.

“Well, then I have to make your first time feel really good for you, don’t I?” He spoke slowly and bit his lip as he lowered his free hand to work Dean’s jeans open as well.

Dean was torn between looking at what was going on at his own crotch and watching Gunnar’s red hard cock as it was bouncing above him.

Gunnar yanked his pants down to his knees and moved down at the bench as far as he could before closing his lips around Dean’s erection. Dean jerked up at the sudden contact, hitting the roof of Gunnar’s mouth.

“Hey, easy tiger,” he said and pressed Dean’s midsection down by the hips with strong hands.

Dean’s dick sunk deeper into the warm cave of Gunnar’s mouth and Gunnar sucked firmly, licking up to the tip from time to time. Eventually, he let go of him and shifted up again, aiming his attention at Dean’s neck, the beard tickling his skin.

“Wanna fuck me, huh?” he asked in a breathy voice.

“Fuck yeah!” Dean moaned and Gunnar, in response, pulled him down the length of the backseat until Dean’s upper body was lying flat, his knees bent at the end. With a lot of unwieldy shifting Gunnar got rid of his pants. He quickly removed a lubed condom from its wrapper and rolled it over Dean’s cock. He sunk down slowly, letting out a sigh and Dean exhaled a ‘Fuuuck!’ at the tight sensation that Gunnar’s asshole was, hands clasping at the backrest and bench. It was so completely different from sex with Lisa, he thought, but not any less arousing.

Gunnar had one knee on the seat between the backrest and Dean’s waist, on the other side his foot stood on the mat. His position couldn’t have been very comfortable but Gunnar didn’t seem to mind much as he kept fucking himself on Dean’s cock, groaning every time he went down again where Dean tried to meet him by pushing up his hips. One hand was wrapped around his cock, working it steadily in the rhythm of his fucking.

Dean couldn’t have lasted any longer and came with a shout and watched as Gunnar kept working his dick towards orgasm.

“Sorry,” Dean said after Gunnar had shot his load into his fist.

“Don’t apologize, Dean,” Gunnar told him, looking for something to wipe his hand on. “You fucked me well enough.”

Gunnar found a McDonald’s napkin under the seat to clean his hand with and held it out for Dean to put the used condom in. They dressed and put the front seats back into their normal position. Then they headed back to the restaurant for Dean to get his car.

They were only halfway there when a police siren blared behind them.

“Shit!” Gunnar cursed and pulled over.

An officer approached the car and Gunnar wound down the window.

“The speed limit here is 20 mph. You were going 30. License and registration paper, please,” the officer said. Dean couldn’t see his face as it was dark outside and he had his flashlight pointed at Gunnar but he knew this voice too well.

“Dad?” he said.

The officer bent down so he had a better view inside the vehicle. “Dean? What are you doing in this car?”

 _Fucking, duh._ “I, uh…Gunnar here was so nice to show me his car. He had it fixed at Bobby’s. He’s from outside of town.”

“I can see that,” John said, holding up Gunnar’s driver’s license.

“Officer, sir, I sincerely apologize for speeding,” Gunnar said.

“I didn’t ask you to talk,” John snapped at him.

“Dad, can’t you just let it slide, please?”

“You have your shirt on inside out,” John noticed with an underlying tone of anger.

Dean looked down. “Sh—”

“I’ll be off duty in an hour. You better be home when I get there,” he said and returned the papers to Gunnar. “Now go.”

“Sir?” Gunnar asked.

“I said go!” John insisted and Gunnar started the engine.

“So, your dad’s a cop, huh?” Gunnar said when Dean’s father had gotten out of sight.

“Yep,” Dean confirmed briefly.

“Are you in trouble now?”

“Probably.”

They remained silent for the rest of the ride.

“Thanks for letting me drive your car and, well, the other thing,” Dean said when they had arrived at his car.

Gunnar huffed a short laugh. “You’re welcome,” he said and patted Dean’s shoulder. “Good luck with your old man.”

“Yeah,” Dean said thoughtfully.

They parted and each drove off in their own car.

Dean’s mother was sleeping in front of the TV when he got home. He tried not to wake her when he walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. He was trapped knee-deep in some serious shit. His parents would have had to find out eventually. Preferably when he’d been dating his first boyfriend and time had come to meet the parents, after weeks of planning how to approach the situation and some warning beforehand. But not like this—caught with a random guy only minutes after they’d been fucking.

“Dean, are you okay?” His mother had entered the kitchen.

“Uh, actually, no,” he said.

“Why? What happened?” She walked closer and gently took his face in her hands.

“Dad is mad at me and it’s gonna be awful when he gets home.”

“What did you do?” Her concern had changed into a more accusing tone.

“I’m—”

The front door was slammed shut.

“Dean!” his father shouted.

His mother followed his voice into the hallway, Dean going after her. “John, keep it down. Sam’s already asleep.”

“Do you know what our son’s been doing tonight?” he asked rhetorically. “He was hanging out with some guy—all muscles. Gunnar’s his name, right?” He was becoming more aggressive with every sentence. “He’s got a really nice car. Not spacious but I guess it’s got room enough. Am I right, Dean?”

“John, what are you talking about?” Mary asked.

“It was obvious that they had been—” He was lacking the words. “Our own son, Mary!”

She seemed to be grasping what her husband was referring to. She looked at her boy. “Dean, honey, are you gay?”

“I’m bisexual, mom,” he explained.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” John demanded.

“It means that I like both, girls and boys,” Dean said calmly.

“Bullshit,” John muttered.

“Dean, boy, are you sure?” Mary asked.

“Yeah, mom. I am sure. I enjoyed being with my girlfriends as much as I liked being with the guy I was just with.”

“If you say so… I just want you to know that we wouldn’t love you any less if you were gay.” Mary glanced up to her husband, waiting for him to confirm the statement and elbowing him as he hesitated to agree with her.

John cleared his throat. “Yes,” he hissed reluctantly behind his teeth.

“Thanks, mom. But I’m really not gay. I still like girls.”

“I’m glad you’re being honest with us,” she said and John stomped away. “I’ll talk to your father, don’t worry.”

Dean kissed her cheek and wished her a good night.

Half an hour later someone knocked at his door. He was still too wound up to sleep anyway.

“Dean, it’s me,” his father said.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Come in.”

John walked over to Dean where he was sitting on his bed.

“I want to apologize,” he started. “You have to understand it can be a shock for a father to find out that his son is…you know.”

“It’s okay, dad,” Dean tried to play his previous reaction down.

“I really should have realized it sooner.” Dean furrowed his brows. “I mean look at you…that freckled face of yours, those eyelashes for god’s sake!”

“ _Dad!”_ Now he was just spitballing stereotypes.

“Sorry, kid. I didn’t mean it that way.” John folded his hands in his lap. “What I’m saying is, you’re a pretty boy and I don’t want some pervert getting his hands on my son and talking him into doing things he doesn’t want.”

“Gunnar’s not a pervert and he didn’t make me do anything.”

“I know, I know. Just be careful. There’s a lot of sick guys out there for whom a boy like you is easy prey.”

“I know,” Dean murmured while biting his nails.

John scooted closer and hugged him. “I love you, son.”

“Love you too, dad,” Dean said as he folded his arms around his father’s back.

“But being honest, I wouldn’t mind if you’d end up marrying a girl,” he said behind his shoulder.

Dean sighed. It was the best he could’ve expected from his father and decided to just take it. “I’d like to sleep now. Long night, you know.”

John let out a throaty laugh. “Good night, son,” he said and left Dean’s room.

 

Castiel’s life went back to what it had been before he had left for college. His Sunday mornings were spent at Mass, working as altar server, and much else of his free time was dedicated to the church as well.

He had only seen Meg briefly so far—he doing his job at the altar, she sitting on the fourth row bench next to his brother. Then she he had to hurry because her family went to visit her great-aunt for her 90th birthday.

When she got back, Cas met her at the community center where she was about to prepare the Girl Scout camping trip she was put in charge of. Cas hugged her but didn’t want to start a making out session in front of the children.

Then came the fourth of July which both of them spent separately with their families. Castiel had a feeling somehow that his girlfriend was avoiding him. Maybe it was just strange for her to see him again after such a long time apart and she might be needing some space to get used to the idea again that she had an actual boyfriend. Perhaps she thought he was expecting something from her. Something physical which she was not ready to give.

They should talk, really.

First, though, he talked to his brother who he could actually get hold of. They had been spending the year at the same school after all and as far as Cas knew, Michael had given her a lift back to Indianapolis after the semester had ended.

His brother told him not to worry and to give her some time and that she would come to him eventually. Michael’s words calmed him enough to be able to focus on other things in the meantime.

One of those things was playing with the family cat. Cas had really missed petting Francis’ fluffy gray fur and teasing him with the feather stick. He was so cute that Cas was wondering how he had survived the past months without the animal’s warmth and playfulness.

A few days after consulting Michael about Meg, he was just getting home from a short trip to the library when he met his girlfriend in the hallway of their house. Michael was behind her, apparently about to bring her to the door.

“Meg, hello! Now that’s a surprise,” Cas said cheerfully.

“Oh, hi Castiel. I was only swinging by and returning the baking dish my mother had borrowed from yours for the last bake sale.” She was wearing a pale blue summer dress that had a white bow on the side above her hip. The neckline was rather low, revealing the cleft of her breasts. Cas noticed that he noticed.

“Don’t you wanna stay a little longer? We haven’t really had an opportunity to talk lately,” Cas suggested.

“Sorry, Cas. My parents are expecting me. Gotta go,” she said and quickly pecked his cheek.

Cas showed his brother a questioning face when Meg had left. “Everything’s gonna be fine,” Michael reassured him and Cas believed him.

He retreated to his room and unpacked the books he had brought. Then he made himself comfortable on his bed, trying to choose which he should read first. The image of Meg’s cleavage flashed before his eyes. He really missed kissing her. Meg’s lips had always been so soft…all of her was so soft and her breasts—

He couldn’t stop thinking of how she had been looking in that dress.

His palms were getting sweaty, the speed of his breathing increased. He remembered what it had felt like to hold her, how his hands used trace the shape of her waist.

He had gotten hard and couldn’t stop thinking about Meg’s breasts peeking out from under the sky blue fabric of her dress.

Maybe he should just do it. He hadn’t in a long time anyway.

He listened carefully if anyone was upstairs, but he heard Michael watering the garden outside and Hannah was at a friend’s house as far as he knew. Their parents were both at work.

So he quickly opened his jeans and pulled them down just enough along with his underwear—it was the one with the Superman design, great—and grabbed his erection.

Cas sighed. Maybe he was ready…

He stroked his thumb over the tip.

Yeah, he had definitely come to the point where he seriously considered losing his virginity.

“Mmmm…” _Mmmeg._ He imagined what her breasts would feel like under his touch, how her velvet skin would warm his fingertips.

What would it be like if Meg took him in her petite hand just like he was rubbing and squeezing himself now?

How would it be if he were allowed to put it in? What did a condom feel like? Was it easy to put on?

Castiel stopped and opened his eyes. He should probably try that out before they got down to it, get used the feeling of latex on this particular part of his body. He would have to buy condoms…

He dreaded the thought already.

No! He was a grown-up. Grown-ups bought condoms—simple as that.

 _No no no._ He was veering away from what he was doing right now. _Hm, Meg._

He kept working his hardness, the picture of Meg’s breasts always present in his head. His hand got faster, he was whining quietly and then he came without a sound, just a long exhale.

They really needed to talk about this.

 

Two days later Meg called him and asked him to come over to her place. She was ready. Finally!

Cas was excited but also stressed out that he hadn’t had time to buy condoms before reaching her house. He felt stupid for his unnecessary worries because he wasn’t actually thinking they were going to have sex right now. This needed preparation.

However, he would have to get up the courage to suggest it if Meg wasn’t going to. He wanted it. He was ready. Like Dean had said: he just knew.

“Hi Cas!” Meg greeted him with a hug, then she led him into the living room. “Please, sit down. We need to talk.”

Wow, she really was wasting no time! Cas became anxious. What if she wanted to do it today? Maybe she had bought condoms herself…

“When we started college, both of us were aware that keeping up our relationship wouldn’t be easy,” she began. “Yes, we talked regularly and I’m grateful there’s technology that allows us to talk face to face, even if we are hundreds of miles apart.”

Cas nodded in agreement.

“And I really did my best to continue as it was during high school. I prayed, Castiel, that we would get through this.”

“Me too, Meg.” He was still smiling, so happy to finally be with her for more than just a minute.

“And I still love you, Cas.” She paused and Cas took her hands in his. They were so small and soft, just as he had remembered. “My love for you hasn’t lessened…though it has changed.”

It was coming. She wanted to sleep with him. Sexual love. “I’m feeling the same way, Meg,” Cas assured her.

“Really?” She looked taken aback.

“Yes, I want it too,” he said, squeezing her hands.

“So you’re okay with us breaking up?”

He pulled back his hands. “What?”

“Weren’t you just saying—”

“You want to break up? Why?”

“What did you think I was talking about?” she asked.

“Doesn’t matter…” He was _not_ going to cry.

“I’m sorry, Cas. It’s just… There’s someone I—” She was fighting to find the right words. “I didn’t cheat on you, Cas, I swear. But I fell in love with someone else, though I told him I’ll end things with you before I’d enter a new relationship.”

“Is he a college mate?”

“Yes, Castiel, he is.”

Cas pursed his lips. He couldn’t decide whether to be mad or sad.

He opted for being both as far as willpower had anything to do with it.

“Do you think he’s good for you?”

“I’m confident he is. You’d agree with me.” Her tone was gentle.

Cas sniffed. Tears had begun to roll down his cheeks. “Good for you,” he choked out past the lump in his throat.

“Will you be okay?” she asked, her words resonating honest concern.

“Yeah,” he wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. “Don’t worry about me. I’m happy you found love,” he said, trying to sound sincere. “I’ll go now.”

When Castiel got home, his brother called him from the dining room where he was sitting at the table.

“Cas, come here,” he said. “You don’t look too well. How did it go with Meg?”

Cas sat down next to him and Michael wrapped an arm around his shoulders, moving his hand up and down his brother’s arm to comfort him.

“She broke up with me,” he snuffled.

“I’m so sorry, Cas.”

They sat like this until Cas had calmed down a little.

“Cas,” Michael said. “I need to tell you something.”

Cas rubbed a hand over his face. “What is it?”

Michael slowly withdrew his arm, putting his folded hands on the table. “The reason Meg broke up with you… It’s me.”

“What do you mean?” He smeared another tear along his cheek.

“Meg left you for me. I’m the one she’s fallen in love with.”

All the words Cas might have wanted to say got stuck in his throat.

“We didn’t plan this. It just happened. And I assure you that we waited to act on our feelings for each other until you were in the picture.”

“Why so long?” Cas spoke hoarsely.

“Meg was hesitant. She wanted to see you again and be sure she wasn’t making a mistake,” Michael explained. “Then she didn’t know how to tell you.”

Cas felt weary. “I’m going to bed,” he informed his brother and stood up.

“Cas, I’m so sorry.” Cas didn’t reply as he left the room.

It was only late in the afternoon, but Cas got under his blanket, clothes still on and shut his eyes. He cried until he fell asleep and didn’t wake before sunrise.

 

Dean had called Charlie as soon as he had woken up the next morning. She had obviously still been sleeping and greeted him grumpily.

“I had sex with a guy yesterday,” he said simply.

“What?” Charlie was wide awake all of a sudden. “Oh, that’s so great. How was it?”

Dean told her the whole story how he had met Gunnar at the garage and didn’t leave out any detail about his car, despite Charlie’s disinterest. “Come to the fun part,” she said.

He recounted the drive through Lawrence and how they’d ended up in the backseat, Gunnar riding Dean’s dick.

“It was all cool until my dad found out.”

He continued how he’d not only had his first time with a guy but also had been forced to come out to his parents in one night.

“At least you don’t have to hide anymore,” Charlie summed it up.

“Yeah, well, there’s still someone who’s been left in the dark.”

“Cas?”

“Yes… I should probably tell him. I mean, my parents know now, so he should too.”

“Fingers crossed,” Charlie said.

“Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See ya!”

They hung up and Dean went downstairs where his family was already having breakfast.

“How are you, dear?” his mother asked.

“I’m fine, mom. Thanks,” he said and poured himself some orange juice.

“I already suspected you liked guys when we were at the lake last summer and you ogled a group of pretty boys like they were a warm slice of pie,” Sam said, munching his cereal.

“You told him?” he said, seriously offended.

“Your father was talking to himself,” Mary said, putting the blame on her husband.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Sammy asked innocently.

“No.”

“What about Cas? Is Cas your boyfriend?” His little brother just didn’t know when to shut up.

“Who’s Cas?” his father asked.

“That’s his friend from college. They’re gonna be roommates next year,” Mary explained. “Don’t you ever listen to your son?”

“Cas is not my boyfriend,” Dean clarified.

“But you like him,” Sam said.

“Not like that.”

“Would be strange to have your lover as a roommate,” his father commented. “Could you get thrown out of college for that? You should check before—”

“Cas is just a friend, okay?” It was too early for annoyance like that. “Please, y’all, would you be so nice and change the subject,” he begged and they generously left him off the hook.

 

Cas spent the following days mostly holed up in his room. His parents were worried but let him get over the break-up at his own pace. He didn’t know if they were aware that Michael was Meg’s new boyfriend but he wouldn’t be the one who was going to tell them. They’d learn about it sooner or later. Hannah had tried to cheer him up, too, and failed. There was nothing she could do to get him out of his misery. Only Francis could provide some comfort, cuddled up next to Cas on his bed, soothing him with his steady purr.

On Saturday he decided it was time to seek comfort at the church. He quickly found Father Jim, the new priest who taken over the parish after Father Joshua’s retirement. Cas had grown to like him very much in the past weeks. They found a bench in the church yard to sit on, an old oak tree shading them from the intensity of the summer sun.

“So, tell me Castiel, what’s on your mind?” the priest encouraged him.

Cas struggled to breathe normally. He felt like he was about to cry again. “I… My girlfriend broke up with me.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Castiel,” Father Jim said.

“It’s not only that,” Cas resumed. “She’s fallen in love with someone I’m close with. How could they hurt me like this, Father?”

“I’m sure they didn’t cause you distress on purpose.” He put a hand on Cas’s shoulder. “Love, even more romantic love, has always been a mystery that’s not easy to get behind.”

“I should have seen the signs. Our relationship was already troubled, I just didn’t want to realize it.”

“Don’t blame yourself for this, Castiel. What’s that old saying— _love is blind?_ ”

Cas huffed. “Yeah, I guess I was blind.”

“You should focus on something else. Don’t let yourself drown in anguish. And who knows, a new love might just be around the corner.”

“I’m not so sure about that… I’m really shy around—” Something lit up inside his head. “Maybe my friend Dean can help me. He’s really confident when it comes to girls, I think. I can talk to him openly about things like that. I’ve never had a friend like him before.”

“I’m happy to hear you have someone like Dean in your life. You should probably talk to him. He might have some good advice for you.”

“I’ll do that. Thank you, Father, for listening.”

“Come to me any time, Castiel,” the priest told him.

“I will. Thank you.”

Yes, he was going to talk to Dean. Dean would know how to deal with a situation like this. He had an ex-girlfriend which meant that he also had experienced a break-up in the past.

Back at his room he facetimed his friend and was surprised by how quickly Dean picked up his phone.

“Hey, Cas!”

“Hello, Dean.” An instant smile appeared on Cas’s face when he saw him.

“How are you, buddy?”

“Well, uh… Better.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Meg broke up with me.”

It took Dean a moment to reply. He was obviously as shocked as Cas had been. “Sorry, man. That sucks.”

“She has a new boyfriend now—my brother.”

“Oh, Cas. That’s awful! How’re you doing?”

“I was really upset the past days but I’m getting over it.”

“Good to hear that.” Dean paused. “Uh, Cas. This is probably not the best time but… I need to tell you something.”

“Yes, Dean?” He seemed anxious. “You can tell me anything.”

“I’m, uh… There’s something you don’t know about me yet.”

What could he be talking about? “Dean?”

Dean took a deep breath. “I’m bisexual.”

“You’re what?”

“It means I’m into girls _and_ guys. And as of last night I’ve been with both.”

“So you just found out that you like guys? Then how could you have told me before?”

“No, Cas, I… I’ve known for years that I am like I am but—I was afraid to tell you. I didn’t know how you’d react.”

“Why did you think you couldn’t confide in me about this? You’ve seen that I have no problem with Charlie being—”

“I know, Cas, I know. I’m sorry I was such a chickenshit. I understand if you’re angry now.”

“Dean, I’m not angry. Just upset that you didn’t tell me sooner.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “Am I the only one who was left out on this?”

“Cas, no. No-one knew—except Charlie. Even my parents only found out last night, my brother this morning, though he claims he had his suspicions.”

“What about Benny?”

“He doesn’t know yet. Just you, Charlie and my family.”

Cas chewed on his upper lip.

“Are we still friends?”

“Yes, Dean. We are friends. Nothing has changed.”

Dean sighed in relief. “Thank you, Cas.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for.”

They hung up soon after that. Cas didn’t feel like asking Dean to help him find a new girlfriend right now. He needed to process all that was going on at the moment.

 

“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Winchester! It’s so nice to meet you,” Charlie said gleefully.

“It’s nice to meet you too. Dean has told us so much about you,” Mary said as she welcomed Charlie in their house.

“Hello, Charlie,” Sam said.

“Hey, Sam! Dean has told me what a great little brother you are,” she said and winked at her friend.

“She’s totally making this up, Sammy. That’s absolutely not how I talk about you,” Dean lied. “You’re a nerd and a pain in the ass.”

“ _Dean!”_ his mother berated.

“Hey, I’m a nerd, too,” Charlie reminded him.

“I’m reading _Lord of the Rings_ right now,” Sammy informed her.

“Dean has only ever watched the movies. You’re so much cooler than your brother. I announce you my new best friend.”

“Hey!” Dean shot her a glare. Sammy laughed.

Charlie continued talking to Sam, Mary watching them with amusement.

John had stepped up to Dean and leaned closer to his ear as he spoke. “That’s a great girl you have there. She’s pretty, smart and she’s good with kids. Huh?” he said and suggestively poked his son with his elbow a couple of times.

“Uh, dad!” Dean groaned.

“What did he say?” Charlie asked, curious about what his father was whispering.

“Dad’s telling me what a great wife you’d make,” Dean deadpanned.

Charlie’s chin dropped, leaving her staring with her mouth open. Then she smirked, “Well, I, too, think that one day I will make a girl really happy with my wife-ing.”

John’s eyeballs dared to pop out of their holes. “Wha—?” he gaped.

“Charlie’s a lesbian, dad,” Dean explained.

“Yes, I am,” Charlie confirmed.

John blinked a few times, bewildered. Then he turned his back, leaving the room, muttering, “House full of queer kids—how did it come to this?”

The others burst into laughter. “He’ll get used to it,” Mary reassured her. “Now who wants to have pizza?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about cars.


	3. Back to School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't get much writing done on the chapter I'm currently working on, so I decided to post one that's already finished instead.
> 
> warning for dubious consent  
> minor character death in the background

When Dean had learned that Cas was single again and they were going to share a room, he was convinced that he was seriously fucked. Not that his feelings for Cas had deepened during the summer… Well, not like this at least. Dean felt much closer to him now that Cas knew about his sexuality and didn’t appear to be bothered by it. He had feared Cas would assume he was into him when he made his confession but this thought didn’t seem to have crossed his mind at all. Dean felt relieved.

He met Cas’s dad briefly when he dropped his younger son off at the East Campus. Michael was the only Novak sibling who had their own car. Mr. Novak had to attend a business meeting in Charleston and was generous enough to make several hour detour a day early and an otherwise needless stay overnight in West Virginia to drop Cas off in North Carolina.

Their room was Cas and Ishim’s old one which meant that Dean now lived in the same building as Charlie. Cas turned out to be pretty orderly. He kept his side of the room tidy, he didn’t snore—unlike Benny—and in the morning he was the grumpiest person Dean had ever seen. He learned soon enough that he shouldn't try to talk to him during the first hour after waking up when he didn’t want to be confronted with Cas’s dark side. Dean had started to refer to morning-Cas as Palpatine which made said person furious every time he heard the nickname. Yes, they were having the time of their life together.

Dean had taken an interest in a girl who was working at his favorite on-campus coffee shop. Her name tag read ‘Jamie’ but so far they hadn’t talked apart from a little flirting on top of his order. She seemed to like him, though, as she one day drew a heart next to his name on his cup. The next time he went to get some caffeine into his system, Dean asked her for her number and ended up with her contact details on his coffee cup. Charlie was with him that day and he proudly presented her his achievement.

They had their first date a few days later. Jamie was studying German and had already spent a semester in Bavaria during high school. She kept peppering her talk with German flirtations which he didn’t understand but found incredibly hot.

Dean watched her play with a strand of blonde hair and tried to imagine her in a dirndl. He would definitely want to see her certainly perfect long legs showing under her skirt, her tits daring to jump out on the upper end. _Mmh._ He was horny; he hadn’t had sex with a girl since Lisa. He hadn’t had sex in general since Gunnar. Now he was thinking of Gunnar’s dick.

“Dean?” Jamie said.

“Yes?”

“Do you wanna see me again tomorrow? You could pick me up from my dorm at seven.”

“Yeah, sure. We could go watch a movie.”

“I’d like that,” she said.

Dean escorted Jamie to her room. “Gute Nacht,” she said and pressed a kiss on his cheek. “Bis morgen.”

Dean’s knees felt weak. He loved when she did that. “See you tomorrow,” he said and went to his room.

The next night Dean didn’t end up seeing much of what was happening on the big screen as he was too busy making out with Jamie. She wore tight pants and an extraordinarily low-cut shirt. They made out a bit longer later in his car and Dean was positive he was about to get some very soon. His assumption was confirmed when Jamie suggested they’d meet again on Saturday and offered to come over to his room.

“Cas, I need you to do me a favor,” Dean told his roommate. “Jamie’s getting here in the evening and we could use some privacy.”

“Are you planning to have sex with her already?” Cas asked.

“Yes, Cas. This is our third date. If nothing goes wrong, I’m getting lucky tonight.”

“But you haven’t known her for that long…”

“Does it matter? She’s hot, she’s fun and her language skills really turn me on—why should I wait?”

Cas was hesitant. “Okay, I’ll wait somewhere else until your date is over. Do you text me when she’s gone?”

“Wait until it’s over? Cas, I’m sure there’s something you can do. Have some fun.”

“For example?”

“I don’t know. Look online if there’s something going on tonight.”

Cas seemed unnerved. His body was tense, his back becoming more crooked with the progression of their conversation. Dean felt guilty.

“Cas, hey.” He placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I can tell Jamie to meet some other place. It’ll be fine; you don’t have to leave.”

Cas shook his head. “No, I don’t wanna interfere with your date. I’ll find something.”

“You sure you gonna be okay?”

“I’m not a child, Dean. I can find myself something to do,” he retorted, slightly annoyed.

“Thanks man,” Dean said and gave him a brief hug.

 

Honestly, Cas had no idea how he was supposed to spend his time while Dean had a girl over for sex. The thought that his friend was doing… _it_ made him feel uncomfortable. He was aware that Dean had had intercourse before but those incidents had occurred far away from Castiel. Definitely not in the room he was sleeping in every night. And he certainly had not been informed in advance that it was going to happen.

He had seen Jamie. She was pretty and he understood why Dean was into her. He knew that Dean liked her knowledge of the German language which his friend appeared to find strangely arousing. People usually preferred the sound, the intonation of Romance languages which was actually funny. Romance…romantic. The only one of those languages Cas knew was Latin. He was sure Latin was not considered sexy. Maybe he should learn French. That might help with making an alluring impression on girls.

Castiel hadn’t yet tried dating again. He had forgiven his brother and Meg for keeping their secret from him for so long. They hadn’t paraded their relationship around him however and Cas was grateful for that. He only hoped they were making each other happy.

When the time had come for him to leave, he started walking around the house. A few people were sitting and chatting in the common area. Cas didn’t really know any of them. He pondered for a while whether to join them or not. They wouldn’t mind. He might even make new friends.

One of the guys had clearly just made a joke as the others broke into boisterous laughter. A girl noticed him, becoming aware that he had been observing them. She opened her mouth like she wanted to speak but Cas quickly turned on his heels and almost fell into a running pace as he fled from the group. Why did he do that? They were living in the same building and it was likely he was going to run into them some time in the near future and he supposed that another meeting would be really awkward now after this situation where he had been acting like a complete fool. Again he heard them laughing, convinced they were making fun of him this time.

He wasn’t like this when he was at home. Why couldn’t he just mingle like a normal person? Sometimes he was still puzzled why Charlie or Dean even wanted to be friends with him. Maybe this was the reason Meg had left him. Michael evoked authority, unlike Cas.

If Jamie was Dean’s girlfriend now, this would probably happen more often. He’d have to leave his room every other night so his best friend could have sex.

He realized that his aimless wandering had brought him to the hallway Charlie’s room was in. It was hopeless. He didn’t want to be a burden to her but he was also sick of strolling across the building.

“Cas, hey, what’s up?” she asked after she’d opened the door.

“Dean and Jamie are in our room. I have nowhere to go. Can I stay a little?”

“Sure, Cas. We’re watching _Guardians of the Galaxy_ but we can rewind the first five minutes.”

“We?” Then he saw Dorothy sitting there. Cas recalled Charlie telling them how she wanted to ask her out and they’d gone out a couple of times already.

“Oh… I didn’t know you were having a date. I’m sorry, I’ll go.”

“Cas, it’s fine,” Charlie said.

“Yeah, Cas,” Dorothy concurred. “We were only gonna watch a movie. You’re not interrupting anything.”

“I, uh—” He looked helplessly towards the door.

“Cas, stay! That’s an order.”

“Okay…”

Charlie directed him to take a seat between them and Dorothy put the popcorn bowl into his lap.

“I’d definitely do Gamora,” Charlie stated somewhere in the middle of the film.

“She’s cool, yeah, but I’d go for Nebula,” Dorothy said.

“Only because you got the hots for Karen Gillan.”

“Ginger girls are the best,” Dorothy said with a smirk.

“You’re right, they definitely are,” Charlie agreed. “Cas, who’d you choose?”

“Uh, I don’t know…”

“Come on, Cas. It’s a game. Any of them. But please don’t say Rocket, that’d be weird.”

“You already claimed the major female characters.”

“Then pick a guy,” Dorothy told him.

A guy? He couldn’t pick a guy. Why would he pick a guy?

“If I had to choose one of the dudes then I’d take Peter Quill. He’s fun and loyal to his friends and he saves the galaxy. And I like his taste in music,” Charlie said, saving Cas from making a comment that could be held against him.

“Agreed,” Dorothy said.

Apparently the girls had lost their interest in Cas telling them what character he’d like to have sex with. He didn’t want to have sex with any of them. They were fictional. And most of them had unhealthy skin tones. Coming to that conclusion he guessed he’d also pick Star-Lord. He didn’t say it out loud, though.

The movie was almost over when Cas’s phone vibrated in his pocket. “It’s Dean,” he said and left the room despite Charlie telling him they could pause.

“She has a fucking boyfriend!” Dean yelled into the speaker, sounding alarmingly disturbed.

“I’m coming,” Cas ensured him and quickly thanked the girls for having him.

“Dean!” he said as he entered the room. His friend was sitting on his bed, face hidden behind his hands. He looked up when he heard Cas. His eyes were red, though he didn’t appear to be crying.

Cas sat down next to him, slipping an arm around his back. “What happened?”

“Well… All was cool but when she put her clothes back on, guess who called her on the phone: her _boyfriend._ I can’t fucking believe it. She cheated on her boyfriend…with me.”

“Oh Dean, it’s awful that she used you like that.” Cas pulled him closer until Dean’s head was resting on his shoulder.

“I feel so stupid,” Dean said.

“Don’t. It’s not your fault,” Cas replied as he comfortingly rubbed his back.

They didn’t talk for some time. Dean then said, “Thanks, Cas…for being there for me.”

“You’re my best friend, Dean. Of course I am.”

“You’re my best friend, too, Cas,” Dean said and hugged him tightly.

Somewhere deep inside Cas felt lucky that Dean’s relationship with Jamie hadn’t worked out. He wouldn’t be forced to leave his room anymore and Dean was going to spend most of his time with him again. Sure, he could meet another person any time but Cas was going to revel in his friendship with Dean while it lasted.

Cas knew it was wrong to think this way but Dean’s embrace made it impossible for him to feel bad about it.

 

Every time Cas saw Charlie and Dorothy together, how they made such a perfect couple, how they made each other happy, he longed to have something like they had. He didn’t particularly miss Meg, but he missed how it had been to have someone special. Someone he was allowed to kiss and to hold and he had been so ready to sleep with her until everything around him collapsed. He still wanted it. He was curious. It was time for him to be with a girl like that, to share his body with her.

However, he didn’t even know how to approach a girl and get her to have sex with him. He couldn’t just ask for it. And he didn’t want to experience his first time with anyone who was just there and willing.

There was this girl who he had a lecture with. They were sitting in the same row most times. She had red hair and a beautiful face and as they were attending the same lecture, they should at least have some sort of common interest.

He usually sat next to Bartholomew during the lesson. He also had another course with him and they talked even outside of the lecture room on occasion.

One day the girl happened to sit next to Cas. He really wanted to speak to her but Bartholomew was asking him about something they had been taught the week before and also Cas didn’t want to address the girl when his course mate was watching. If she was to turn him down, the humiliation of him witnessing would be too much to bear. So he ignored her.

Well, he glanced to his side from time to time while the professor spoke, but he didn’t do anything to get her attention.

What he had learned today, however, was that Bart was a factor of disturbance. Therefore he avoided him before the next lecture. He waited outside the room, casually, until the red-haired girl had arrived. Then he went inside as well and asked her if the seat next to her was already taken. She signaled him it was okay to sit there.

Bartholomew was a safe distance away and the person he desired was right next to him. Before he could come up with something to say to her, the professor entered the room and everyone went quiet.

Twenty minutes into the lecture, the girl accidentally dropped her pen. It hit the floor under Cas’s desk and he stretched his hand down to pick it up and handed it back to her. ‘Thank you,’ she mouthed. There had been a hint of a smile on her face.

They’d made contact. Cas was in.

Time seemed to just crawl along. The position of the hands didn’t seem to have changed every time Cas looked up at the clock. He wanted the lecture to be over so he could talk to the girl, introduce himself, ask her out.

Then, finally, the professor stacked his papers and dismissed the class.

Cas had just opened his mouth when a guy from a few rows behind called, “Anna!”

“Coming!” the redhead replied, quickly packed her stuff and off she was.

He considered going after her but Bartholomew got in his way. “There you are, Cas,” he said. “I thought you didn’t come today.”

“Uh, I was late and I couldn’t find you before the professor started.”

Then Bart proceeded to talk about a group project they were scheduled to turn in in two weeks. Cas had time enough to work on it anyway as he had failed to get a date.

How did other people do this?

Cas realized it was time to ask Dean for advice.

 

“Dean, I need your help,” Cas said. “How do you get a girl to go on a date with you?”

Dean almost choked on his water. Cas hadn’t seemed to have any interest in getting a girlfriend since Meg dumped him.

“Depends. Is there anyone in particular you’d like to ask out?”

“There’s this girl in my lecture but I guess I missed my chance. I don’t really care what she looks like as long as she’s nice,” Cas said.

“What’s with the girl in your lecture? Did she say no?” Cas had never told him about her.

“I didn’t even ask.”

“Then how can you be so sure?”

Cas bit his lip. “Maybe she’d agree to go on a date with me if I asked.”

“You’re a great guy, Cas. I’m sure she will.”

Dean’s pep-talk seemed to work and Cas’s mission was to finally talk to her next time they had the lecture.

When Dean returned to their room the day Cas’s dating-future was to be decided, Cas looked pretty upset and Dean already knew what his friend would answer when he asked, “How did it go?”

“She said it was nice of me to ask but that she’s not interested.”

“I’m sorry, Cas.”

“It was so much easier when I still had Meg. I even wanted to sleep with her but then she broke up.”

Now that was new to him. Cas never mentioned that he’d like to have sex for the first time. The last time they talked about this Cas wasn’t ready.

“You… Really? What changed your mind?”

“I think it was good to have you to talk. You’ve taken away much of my fear of having sex. I still only have a vague idea of how this is going down but I know I want it.”

Having another sex talk with Cas brought Dean’s feelings into turmoil. Cas wanted to fuck. He wanted to put his dick in a girl and he needed Dean to explain how to do it.

“You know what goes where, right?” he asked.

“Yes, Dean. I’m not stupid. I’ve had sex ed.”

“Yeah, but that’s all highly theoretical.”

“You knew what to do when you lost your virginity to Lisa, right? And you didn’t need someone to show you.”

“Okay, you’re right. Sorry.”

“But if you could, maybe, tell me…I don’t know…something?”

How explicit did he want it for god’s sake? He could just blow him to imitate the sensation of a girl’s pussy. Aaand there was the picture of Cas’s dick in his mouth. _Great._

“Just…don’t hurry. Take it easy, start slow. Don’t be surprised by how warm she is, okay? It feels really good, believe me.”

Cas looked at him with a content smile. “Thank you, Dean.”

“You’re welcome,” Dean said. “Don’t worry, we’ll find you a girl.”

And they did, sooner as Dean would have expected.

Dorothy was throwing Charlie a birthday party in the common room on their floor and everyone who liked to come was invited. Benny was there, Ash, Garth and many more, including a lot of people Dean had never seen before.

He refused to wear the party hat Dorothy had given him and was handing out to other guests as well. Charlie called him a spoilsport and wore her hat with as much dignity as her pride shirts. Even Cas put his on. It didn’t escape Dean how cute it made him look. The state of his feelings for him was a constant up and down. One day Cas was just his best friend, on another he longed for Cas to be close to him. Those thoughts got stronger especially at times when Cas asked to help him with girls.

Dean knew he was a hypocrite. He was having dates. He had thrown Cas out of their room to have sex with Jamie but he had absolutely no chill about Cas doing the same. He was the worst best friend ever.

Cas was having fun tonight. He had never been so outgoing before. Dean was happy to see his friend was enjoying himself. There were really hot girls here tonight, even some pretty handsome dudes. He was checking out some guy’s ass from afar while standing with Benny and Ash who were talking about something Dean hadn’t been following when Benny’s thrumming voice yanked him out of his reverie. “Oooh, seems like Cas is hitting the jackpot tonight!”

“Yeah, she’s hot,” Ash agreed.

Dean spotted Cas on the other end of the room. He was talking to a girl who was practically hanging on his lips. She appeared to be really into him and Cas didn’t look nervous at all when she playfully tipped his party hat to the side of his head.

Ash and Benny had picked up their conversation again but Dean was just staring at Cas and the girl with his mouth hanging open. If the others noticed, they didn’t call him out on it.

The guy whose ass he had been admiring before was getting closer but Dean couldn’t take his eyes off the situation between Cas and the chick.

Then, an abrupt shiver ran coldly down his spine. The girl was kissing him and Cas was kissing right back. She had her hands around his waist and Cas had cupped her face. Their making-out was getting more intense, Dean could see tongues sliding into mouths. The hat dropped onto the floor.

Dean’s fingernails were scraping roughly over the denim of his pants. He grasped it was jealousy that was burning fiercely inside his gut.

“Dean, are you okay?” Benny asked.

“What?”

“You were kinda spaced out. Everything alright?”

“Uh, yes. I’m fine. Excuse me,” he said and stalked away from them.

He found a place to sit and tried to calm down.

“Dean!” Cas called. “There you are.”

“Hey, Cas.” His voice was shaking. _Fucking keep it together, man._ “Who’s that girl I saw you with?”

“Her name is Mandy. She came up to me and told me I was handsome. That was weird but then we talked a little and she’s really nice. We made out.” He chuckled.

“I saw that,” Dean replied. “Congratulations, man.”

“She wants to go someplace private and I suggested our room. Are you okay with that, Dean?”

“She—uh… Yeah, sure. Go get her, tiger,” Dean said dumbly and lightly punched Cas’s shoulder.

“Cool! Thank you, Dean.”

Cas was already leaving but Dean stopped him by grabbing his wrist. He stood up.

“Uh, Cas, when you’re…if she… Condoms are in the top drawer of my nightstand.”

Cas beamed at him. Then he hugged Dean. “See you later.”

He found Mandy and took her by her hand as they went away.

The guy with the nice ass was sitting on the sofa opposite his. _Screw it._

 

Mandy pushed him against the door after he had closed it. She pressed her lips on his and Cas pulled her closer with his hands around her back.

“How about we move this to your bed?” Mandy proposed.

“Okay,” Cas replied and led her to his side of the room. He lay down, Mandy straddling his hips and they kissed again.

Meg had always told him what a good kisser he was. He would have liked to tell her the same but Meg had been the only girl he had ever kissed so he had nothing to compare her kissing skills with. But he guessed Meg was a good kisser as well. At least Cas had always enjoyed making out with her.

Mandy, though, was a great kisser. She was putting so much passion into the working of her lips and tongue. Her charming little sighs in between made it even better.

Her hair fell into her face and Cas gently pushed it back, lightly scratching at her scalp as he did so, eliciting a lustful moan from her.

Cas liked this. Mandy’s hair felt like silk under his fingers, her skin was warm and her lips were soft. He could have kept this up forever.

“Cas, you’re so hot. Want you,” she breathed against his neck where she had begun to suck at. “Take your shirt off.”

Cas sat up a little and did as he was told. Mandy trailed a line of kisses down his chest to his navel, then up again to his neck. Cas took her face into his hands and placed her lips back on his.

She sat back on her heels and took off her T-shirt as well, revealing a bright pink bra. Cas hitched a breath. Mandy giggled and moved forward to kiss him again.

“Open my bra,” she whispered between licks into his mouth.

Cas hesitated for a moment. He had never done this before. His hand searched for the hook and found it but he couldn’t get it open so he tried it with a second hand until, finally, he succeeded. Mandy sat up again and pushed the straps down her arms and threw the piece of lingerie on the floor.

Cas was frozen. This was the first time he saw girl’s bare breasts. His whole body was trembling and he felt cold all of a sudden. Mandy didn’t give him time to adjust to the sight and pressed his hand on one of her boobs.

He kept it there, stiffly, but Mandy prompted him to put firm pressure on her breast and massage it. Despite his reluctance, he did the best he could.

“God, Cas, yeah!” she moaned and rocked her hips against his crotch, eyes closed. “Touch me!”

“I _am_ touching you,” he said.

“No, fuck, my pussy. I’m so wet for you.” Mandy moved his other hand under her skirt, beneath her panties. She was right. She was indeed wet. Really wet. Cas’s breathing was becoming more rapid. He was feeling really uncomfortable. Mandy was still guiding his hand until one of his fingers slipped inside her. Another moan escaped her.

“Yeah, right there. Finger me! Fuck…so good.” She thrust down on his finger, one hand constantly pushing back her hair as it kept falling in her face, the other hand kneading her breast. Cas’s hand also still remained on her boob but had long stopped doing anything more than just staying there.

Mandy was panting. “I want you, fuck…”

Suddenly her hands were on his fly, beginning to open it. Cas winced. He didn’t want this.

“What the fuck?” Mandy said. She was looking down at his crotch where she had unzipped his pants. His underwear was showing, gladly not the one that tended to embarrass him. “You’re not even hard.”

Cas looked down, although he knew she was telling the truth. “Uh, I…”

“Can’t you get it up?” she said in an accusatory tone.

He wriggled his legs out from underneath her and zipped his fly back up. “I… I don’t feel like doing it right now,” he confessed weakly.

“Then at least finger me till I come,” she said.

“I—” He had begun to hug himself. “I don’t want that either.”

“Are you gay or what?” She was furious.

“I’m not gay,” he mumbled.

Mandy had begun to dress again. “Well, it’s certainly not my fault. You got to grab my tits and finger my wet pussy, so you’re gay.”

Cas wanted to argue but Mandy was already storming out of the room.

 

Dean was making out with the guy with the really nice ass in a corner of the room for anyone to see. He guessed he was out now. There was no reason to stay in the closet any longer—all the hot dudes should be informed that Dean Winchester was available for dick.

He hadn’t even gotten around to catching his name but what did he need a name for when his mouth was too occupied with sucking at the guy’s tongue anyway?

Dean’s hands wandered down his back to grab two handfuls of firm denim-clad ass. The guy moaned into his mouth and Dean took the opportunity of holding his rear end to pull him close to his crotch and began to shamelessly grind against him.

“Is your room somewhere near?” the guy panted.

“It’s occupied,” Dean answered quickly, not wanting his mouth to be separated from the other guy’s for too long.

“How about the bathroom then?” the guy suggested.

“Hm.” Dean was considering it. He pushed him back slightly so he could breathe for a moment and think. Then he saw Mandy.

“Have you decided yet?” the guy asked impatiently.

“Uh, excuse me for a second,” Dean said, stepped out of the guy’s space and walked over to Mandy.

She was talking to some other random dude and Dean lightly touched her arm to get her attention.

“Hey, uh, Mandy, where’s Cas?” he asked when she turned around.

“Hopefully not wasting some other girl’s time,” she replied rudely.

“What are you talking about?”

She scanned him intently from head to toe. “That I’m sure he’d rather fuck you than me.”

Dean’s heart made a backflip. “Huh?”

“Well, his flaccid dick didn’t do it for me.”

His chest was feeling full and empty at the same time. “I don’t understand.”

“He couldn’t get it up! I bet the dude’s fucking gay.” She spewed the words at him like venom.

Cas didn’t have sex with her, he realized. He wasn’t able to do it after all. Dean felt like flying.

Then he came to his senses. Cas was probably really upset right now. He should go and talk to him.

Nice ass guy had been waiting behind his back and yelled, “Where’re you going?” as he ran off. Dean didn’t answer. His best friend needed him.

“Cas?” Dean said softly when he entered their room. Cas was crouched on his bed against the corner of the wall. Dean rushed over to sit next to him, gently laying a hand on his arm. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I…” he started. “I thought I was ready… But then it all became too much for me.” His blank eyes weren’t directed at Dean as he spoke. “When she took her bra off I just—I wanted to bolt and disappear into a hole in the ground.” He changed his position on the mattress, straightening up a little. “Not that I didn’t like what I saw but…she was so close. I was freaking out.” He paused to take a few deep, calming breaths. “She made me stick my finger into her.” A glint of disgust sparked in Dean’s stomach. “I already washed my hand—it still smells,” Cas said, holding up his tainted finger. Dean leaned over and briefly sniffed at it which made Cas huff a little laugh, Dean too.

Dean moved a hand around his shoulders. “Cas,” he said. “If you don’t like something, you’re allowed to say so. No-one should make you do anything, okay?” Cas nodded, but barely noticeable. “I mean it, Cas. If you don’t want to finger her then you don’t do it. Period.”

He grabbed Cas’s chin when he didn’t seem to agree and made him look him in the eye. “You just don’t, you understand me? If she’s pissed, well, then that’s her problem.”

Cas nodded again, with more purpose this time, and nuzzled his face against Dean’s collarbone, uttering little sighs. Dean carded one hand through his hair, the other scratched soothingly up and down his friend’s back.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Cas murmured into the fabric of Dean’s shirt.

Maybe he wasn’t that bad of a friend after all.

 

Spring break was approaching and Cas hadn’t forgotten Dean’s promise from the year before that they would spend their days off together this time. They held a brainstorming session with Charlie and Dorothy for were to go but Cas insisted on the place Dean had sent him the picture from last year, holding up his phone where he still had it saved and showing it around. “I bet we can build a better fort than Ash and Benny,” he told Dean, smiling.

“Yeah, I’d like to do that,” Dean said, already imagining them on the beach enjoying the beautiful sunset.

Two days before their departure though, Cas received a call from his mother who delivered the sad news that Father Joshua had died. She had already booked him a ticket to come home to the funeral and instead of going on a beach holiday together, Dean dropped him off at the airport.

Cas told them to go without him but Dean, Charlie and Dorothy all chose to cancel the trip in lieu of only the three of them spending five days at a beach house.

When Cas returned, still pretty shaken by the clergyman’s passing, Dean suggested they’d just spend some time during the summer together. Most of them lived in Kansas anyway and Cas could easily fly over to Kansas City where Dean would drive to pick him up.

Everyone was thrilled by the idea and immediately proceeded to map out their shared summer vacation.

By the beginning of their finals week it was set that Cas would come to Lawrence for the last week of their break and then they’d go camping at Clinton Lake with the girls. After that, the boys would head back to Indiana with Dean’s car, making a brief stop at Cas’s place, and eventually return to Duke in time for the start of the new semester.


	4. Lake View

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- might be upsetting for anyone who has ever heard the question "and what are you gonna do with that?"  
> \- John Winchester is an ass (again)  
> \- poor Cas (again...sorry)

It had been months since Dean had last seen him. He’d been looking forward to this day for so long that he’d hardly been patient enough not to drive to the airport as soon as he had gotten up in the morning. He still had arrived almost an hour early.

After two cappuccinos, which had only made him giddier, Cas finally appeared in the arrival hall. Dean hurried towards him and Cas dropped his heavy backpack when he saw him, welcoming his friend in his arms.

“I missed you,” Dean murmured in the hair at the back of his head.

“I missed you too, Dean. I’m so glad to be here,” Cas replied.

They stayed like this, hugging, for some time, several people tripping over Cas’s backpack, both boys unaffected by their curses.

“Come on, Cas, let’s go,” Dean said after a while and lead Cas to his car in the parking garage.

“We’re here!” Dean called into the house when they had arrived in Lawrence.

“In the kitchen,” his mother’s answer echoed into the hallway.

Mary was just retrieving a baking sheet with pizza pockets from the oven when they came into the room. “I figured you guys will be hungry,” she said and slid the oven mitt off her hand before she walked up to welcome Cas.

“I was so excited to finally meet you,” she told him. “Dean is talking about you all the time.”

“It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. Winchester. Thank you for making us dinner,” Cas answered politely.

“Ah.” She waved her hand sheepishly. “I just unfroze something. Anyway, you should let them cool a bit before you eat them. Your father will be home soon but Sam’s outside if you want to greet him in the meantime.”

Dean steered Cas out into the garden where his little brother was relaxing in a hammock, reading a book. Dean put his index finger on his lips, urging Cas to stay quiet, and gave the hammock a strong push which caused Sam to almost fall out.

“Fuck off, asshole,” Sam chided.

“Sammy,” Dean said, feigning to be scandalized. “How do you talk in front of our guest?”

Sam’s eyes wandered to were Cas was standing. “Oh, hey. Listen, Cas, you should run while you’re safe.”

“I don’t plan on doing that,” Cas said. “I’m happy to finally be here with you and your brother.”

“What did you do to make him like you?” Sam asked his brother.

“There’s much about him to like,” Cas answered for Dean with a smirk. Sam made a wry face at that.

“Mom made pizza pockets. You want some?”

“Nah, not hungry. They’re all yours,” Sam said and returned to reading his book.

“Sam’s having his first girlfriend and he’s still mad at me for teasing him about it,” Dean explained when they walked back inside.

When they had finished their meal, Dean brought Cas upstairs to his room, insisting on carrying the backpack for him. An inflatable mattress was already prepared for Cas to sleep on at the end of Dean’s bed.

“I like your room,” Cas said, examining the books on the shelf above his desk. “You hung that up?” he asked then, pointing at something on the pinboard.

Dean didn’t get straight away what he was referring to but then it sunk in. Cas was looking at the picture Gabriel had taken of him while he’d slept and sent to Dean. He’d planned to take it down and hide it in a drawer before Cas got here.

“Oh, yeah, that, uh—”

“I can’t believe you printed that out,” Cas said, rather pleasantly surprised than irritated.

“Yeah, well, I like the picture. You look so peaceful in it,” Dean made an attempt to explain his motivation.

Cas beamed at him.

A car was driving up to the house and Dean walked towards the window and peeked outside. “My dad is here,” he announced. “We should go and say hi.”

John was standing at the fridge, uncapping a bottle of beer when they found him. “Hey dad,” Dean said. “Cas is here.”

“Hello, Mr. Winchester,” Cas greeted him with a friendly face.

“Oh, the famous Cas,” Dean’s dad said and put the bottle in his left hand so his right one was free to shake Cas’s. “You gotta work on that grip,” he said after he’d let go. Cas was casting Dean a questioning look.

“Dad,” Dean said in annoyance, rolling his eyes.

“Get yourselves some Pepsi and sit with me,” John said, taking a seat at the breakfast table.

Dean fetched two cans from the refrigerator and gestured Cas to sit down next to him opposite his father.

“You’re from Indianapolis, right?” he asked.

“Yes, sir.”

“You seen a lotta Indy races?”

Cas quickly glanced over to Dean. “Uh, no. I’m not really into car races…or cars in general.”

John huffed in disbelief. “Huh, really? What do you guys talk about all the time when you’re in college?”

“It’s not that cars are the only thing I’m interested in, dad,” Dean commented.

“Yeah, I know, son. Our Dean here’s becoming an engineer. We’re really proud of him,” John said, visibly satisfied with what his offspring had made of himself. Dean crouched a little in his seat, slightly embarrassed. “What’re you studying again?” his father asked Cas.

“Err, I’m majoring in Philosophy. But I’m also taking classes in Religious Studies,” Cas said.

“And what are you gonna do with that?”

“Uh, I don’t know yet. It’s a broad field. There’s a lot you can do with a Philosophy degree.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

Cas had become pretty tense. “Uh, you know, like, questions considering the ethics of, uh—”

“I highly doubt that philosopher is an actual job. Not like engineer anyway,” John stated and drank from his bottle.

“Leave him alone, dad!” Dean had gotten angry.

“I’m just saying that it’ll be hard for him to get a job after he’s graduated.”

Cas was really quiet.

“He’s extremely smart. He can become anything he wants,” Dean defended his friend.

“Yeah, but anything doesn’t pay well,” John argued.

That was enough. Dean pushed back his chair hard enough that it dared to fall over for a second. “Come on, Cas. Let’s go back to my room.” Cas didn’t say anything as he got up too and followed Dean upstairs.

“My dad’s an asshole. Don’t listen to him,” Dean said when they were in his room.

Cas eyes were fixed to floor. “He’s right.”

“Cas, no, don’t let this get to you,” Dean urged him and put both his hands on Cas’s shoulders.

“I think I’d figure it out eventually but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life.”

“No-one knows that.”

“Yes, Dean, _you_ do. Charlie does too.”

“I’m gonna be an engineer, yes, but that doesn’t mean I know what kind of job I’m gonna have. Also, you can’t compare liberal arts to engineering. And who says you have to know already? You’ve still got two years of college ahead of you.”

“Dorothy’s studying English and Creative Writing. She wants to write children’s books, she’s got a plan.”

“Unlike many others.” Dean had taken Cas’s face into his hands. “Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whatever you’re going to do, you’re gonna be great.”

“You think so?” Cas asked tentatively.

“Yeah, Cas. I believe in you,” Dean said and pressed him close to his chest, combing his fingers through his friend’s hair. Cas’s hands snaked around his waist until they were overlapping behind his back.

Dean wasn’t going to forgive his father for this so easily should he decide to apologize.

 

Breakfast in the morning was quiet. The atmosphere was so tight it dared to snap if anyone were to open their mouth. Dean’s mother wasn’t aware of what had happened the night before but she noticed how Dean didn’t even acknowledge his father’s presence. He had quickly poured himself and Cas a bowl of cereal and milk and dragged him to sit in the living room, far away from where John was sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table.

Sam hadn’t come downstairs yet and Mary was sitting opposite her husband, expecting him to explain. He acted like he didn’t notice her staring. “John?” she said in a demanding tone. He didn’t look up. “John!” she repeated, louder this time.

“I’m reading,” he said.

She sighed. It was too early for her to fight. Instead she got up and walked over to the boys where they sat on the couch, closely together, scooping their breakfast in silence.

“Hey, you two, everything alright? Did you sleep well?”

“The mattress was very comfortable,” Cas replied politely, just briefly looking up from his bowl.

“Dean?” she asked. “What did your father do?”

“You know, the usual, being an ignorant prick,” her son said finally. “He insulted Cas because he doesn’t get that not everyone wants to be an engineer.”

Mary sighed once again. Yet another serious talk she had to have with her husband.

“When are you leaving?”

“In an hour or so. I already picked up the camping gear from the garage yesterday.”

“You say goodbye before you go, alright?”

“Of course I’m saying goodbye to _you,_ mom.”

After each boy had taken a shower, they finished packing Dean’s car—including a second tent for the girls as they were getting to Lawrence with Dorothy’s motorcycle and couldn’t carry that much stuff on top of their sleeping bags.

 

It was only a short drive from the Winchesters’ house to the camping site. Charlie and Dorothy were already waiting for them, peeling off their heavy leather gear that was definitely not temperature appropriate. “Why did we not take my car again?” Charlie asked her girlfriend, gasping for fresh air as she took off her helmet.

“Because you love to snuggle up my back,” Dorothy replied and kissed her on the cheek.

“Oh yeah, that’s why,” Charlie said, beaming at her with a twinkle in her eye.

After finding their lots they proceeded to set up their tents.

“How did you finish first?” Dean panted incredulously.

“What? Did you really think you’re the only one who’s ever been camping?” Dorothy said, slightly offended, putting her hands on her hips.

“Girl power!” Charlie proclaimed and high-fived her.

“Do you need help?” Dorothy teased Dean.

Cas was about to open his mouth but Dean forestalled him. “No!”

In the end it took the boys twenty minutes longer to get it done. Later they leisurely walked to the lake’s shore, towels swung over their shoulders. Dean wanted revenge for the tent competition that never was one and declared to race for who’ll be in the water first. He didn’t notice the look Dorothy gave Cas though.

He dropped his towel to the ground. “One, two, three—”

The girls speed off but Dean was held back by strong arms around his torso.

“Winners!” Dorothy and Charlie declared in unison as they both reached the lake at the same time.

“That’s cheating!” Dean protested but the girls went underwater and couldn’t hear him. “Cas, what the fuck?”

“You needed that, Dean,” his friend said with a smirk and then he was off, too.

“Haha, you lose!” Charlie mocked Dean who was the only one left dry.

Finally, Dean grumpily stalked into the lake where his friends were already playfully splashing water at each other. At least he found some satisfaction when he approached Cas from behind and thrust his head under the surface. He let him struggle a little to get back up but didn’t use much force as he only wanted to nettle him slightly and not drown him.

They spent the day in a cycle of swimming and warming up in the sun, eating ice cream and enjoying each other’s company.

After dinner they all sat together outside their tents, talking, laughing. When neither of them could stop yawning, they realized it was time to turn in. Dean crawled on top of his sleeping bag—it was just too hot to get inside. He and Cas both slept in their underwear and a T-shirt and it didn’t take them long to be embraced by a deep slumber after the exciting day they’d had.

In the morning Dean was woken up by some kind of noise he couldn’t recall afterwards but then he heard it again. It sounded like a moan. It happened once more. Yes, it was definitely a moan. Cas stirred awake too beside him. “What is that?” he asked blearily.

A girl giggled. “Oh my god,” Cas gasped, eyes wide open and directed at Dean.

The giggle was followed by a long sigh and Dean snorted a laugh. “Seems like the girls are already wide awake.”

Cas groaned and pressed his small pillow to his ears but that didn’t appear to seal off the sounds. “Make it stop! God, that’s so embarrassing,” he whined, shutting his eyes and squirming atop his sleeping bag.

“Yeah, for _them,_ ” Dean said.

Cas whimpered, pushing his face into his sleeping bag and Dean kept cackling. “Why are you laughing? This is not funny,” Cas wailed in distress.

“You’re right. Other people’s sex noises aren’t funny at all,” Dean said, trying to maintain a serious face. “We should give them a taste of their own medicine.”

Another moan reached their ears. Dean moaned in response.

“Dean!” Cas rebuked him in earnest.

“Oooh, yes!”

“Dean, stop!”

“Yeah, right there!” A canon of real and fake sounds of pleasure echoed through the camping site, only interrupted by Cas’s pleas for Dean to shut up.

“Mmm, Cas, so good, more…” Dean had scooted over to Cas’s side and kept him from covering his ears by pinning his arms to his body. “Cas, yeah, harder!” Cas was fighting him but Dean was stronger and started humping his hip. Somehow, though, Cas managed to escape his grip and wrestled him until Dean was flat on his back, Cas above him and pressing one hand to his mouth. Dean licked his palm.

“Do you really think that bothers me enough to let go?” he asked. Dean stopped. “Now will you be quiet when I remove my hand?” Dean nodded. “Do you swear to be good?” He nodded again. “Good,” Cas said and withdrew his hand.

Dean didn’t make a sound. Cas was still on top of him, staring down into his eyes. It was silent now in both their tents. Neither of the boys moved. An incredible heat rushed through Dean’s body, tickling in his stomach. He slightly opened his mouth and slipped out the tip of his tongue to wet his lips. Cas hitched a silent breath.

“You could make breakfast when you’re up already!” Charlie’s voice called from the other tent.

Cas broke their eye contact and got off of Dean. “I’ll make coffee,” he said and pulled on a pair of shorts before leaving the tent.

Dean still lay on his back and rubbed his hands over his face. _What just happened?_

“Good morning, you two!” Dean greeted the girls a little later with a grin when they got out of their tent to join him and Cas for breakfast.

“Fuck you, Dean,” Charlie snapped.

“I’m not the one who was fucking,” Dean replied and Charlie showed him her middle finger.

“Just ignore him,” Cas said. “He’s got a really strange sense of humor.”

Later they walked back to the lake and Charlie and Dean stayed behind while Dorothy and Cas got them a boat at the rental service.

“What was that earlier?” Charlie asked.

“What was what?”

“The ‘oh, Cas, right there.’”

“We were just making fun of you,” Dean replied nonchalantly.

“You mean _you_ were making fun. Cas didn’t seem to be into it as much as you.” She pushed back her sunglasses that had slipped off her nose a little.

Dean crossed his arms. “What?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Dean said.

“I know that look. Did something happen?”

Dean looked over to where Cas and Dorothy were still talking to the boat rental guy. “I’m not sure,” he said eventually. “I mean—uh. There was this moment…just briefly I thought… It probably meant nothing.”

“What moment, Dean? What did you think?”

He hesitated for a second, searching for the right words to explain it. “I thought we were gonna kiss.”

“You’d want that?” she asked. Dean shrugged his shoulders, casting a hidden glance towards Cas. Charlie saw it anyway.

“Dean, are you in love with him?”

Dean sighed in defeat. There was no reason to deny it in front of her. “Yes.”

“Oh, Dean…” she said in sympathy, gently rubbing his arm.

“Guys, we have a boat!” Dorothy called and Dean signaled Charlie to drop the subject for now.

“So, how are we gonna handle this?” Dean asked when they got onboard their rowboat.

“Boys at the oars,” Dorothy ruled.

“Are you kidding me? What happened to ‘girl power’?”

“I’m the coxswain, Charlie is the captain.”

“I’m captain?” Charlie asked, touched, questioningly pointing a finger to her chest.

“Yeah, babe!”

“Well then—full speed ahead!” Captain Bradbury commanded.

“Aye aye, captain,” Dean and Cas replied simultaneously, the latter with more motivation in his voice than his co-oarsman.

Everyone was cheerful during their boat trip, though Dean was quieter than usual. Cas didn’t seem to notice.

They stilled after rowing for some time and leaned back with their hands dangling in the water. Dean looked up into the cloudless sky and closed his eyes. Cas was sitting next to him, staring out into the lake. He felt the heat radiating from his friend’s body. He faintly smelled of sweat—not pungent, just a whiff, ensuring Dean of his presence.

When he opened his eyes again he was certain the sun was at a different position than before. Had he fallen asleep? Cas wordlessly thrusted a water bottle at him which Dean gladly took and emptied. Charlie and Dorothy were exchanging slow, sloppy kisses on the opposite side of the boat.

“We should go back,” Cas said, his voice hushed.

The boys returned to their places at the oars and rowed the boat back to the shore, Dorothy cuddling her girlfriend, dropping kisses in her forehead every now and then. Dean envied them for what they had.

The next afternoon Dean and Charlie walked across the camping site while the others prepared dinner. They hadn’t had any time alone since the morning the day before. “So,” Charlie said, “how long?”

“I don’t know. Since your birthday party maybe when Cas walked off with this girl, Mandy—I think that’s when I realized,” Dean answered. There had always been this latent attraction, though he had been convinced Cas wasn’t more than a friend to him. He hadn’t been happy to hear that Cas had a girlfriend but that was before he got to know him better, got to know the person behind the pretty face. Dean had loved him, like he loved Charlie. Yet, this love had progressed into some more—he had _fallen in love._

“Are you going to tell him?”

“Are you serious? No! He’s straight and even if it turns out he’s not…I don’t know what’ll happen. I can’t lose him, Charlie.”

“You said you thought he was going to kiss you.”

“I’m sure I just imagined it. My mind made it up because I wanted him to love me back. He doesn’t like me that way. To him I’m his best buddy who he can ask for advice about girls.”

“Maybe you’re wrong, maybe he—”

“No, Charlie, there’s no maybe. I can’t get my hopes up and then all of a sudden he has a girlfriend. If I let my feelings take over and he rejects me…” He kicked a small rock with his foot. “Just leave it be. I’ll get over him eventually.”

“But you come to me when you need to talk.”

“Yeah, Charlie, of course I will,” he said and hugged her.

When they got back to their lot, their food was ready and Cas handed him a bowl of chili. Dorothy whispered something in her girlfriend’s ear and Charlie whispered back. Dean wondered if they were actually discussing his love issues in front of him and Cas until they started giggling. He was certain they wouldn’t make fun of him for being in love with his best friend.

 

Their camping trip came to an end and when they had finished packing all their stuff, everyone hugged and said goodbye. “Hey, no need to get nostalgic. We’ll see you again in a few days already and then I won’t get rid of you guys for a few months,” Dean pointed out.

“We love you too, Dean” Dorothy said and put her helmet on.

“Take care,” Cas told them as Charlie hopped onto the motorcycle behind her girlfriend.

Dean and Cas watched them as they drove away before getting into the Impala and leaving the camping ground as well.

Cas was relieved to hear that Mr. Winchester was working a double shift throughout the night and he wasn’t going to meet him again before heading to Indianapolis the next day. He could only imagine how it had been for Dean to come out as bisexual to his father. Dean often defended his antiquated attitude. “He doesn’t know it better,” Dean liked to say. John Winchester still hadn’t fully accepted that his firstborn was attracted to men but he tolerated it because he truly loved his son. Cas could get behind his best friend’s reasoning. He knew people like Dean’s father from his church. Many of their ideas were outdated but they clung to them like their life depended on it. Actually, it was the afterlife which they used in their argumentation. Homosexuals for example were condemned to go to Hell if they ever acted on their, in those people’s eyes unnatural, urges. Cas didn’t see it that way. He was convinced God loved everyone and didn’t view homosexual acts as a crime. Some liked to argue with certain Bible quotes, yet there was a lot in this book that he and many others thought had become obsolete. It was the twenty-first century; times had changed. Cas would fight for his stance as long as he was a member of the Catholic church and he planned to be one for the rest of his life.

However, in Cas’s case Dean didn’t even try to justify his father’s actions. He hurt Cas and Dean knew that. Cas, though, wasn’t angry. He understood the motivation behind Mr. Winchester’s interrogation and how proud he was of what Dean had achieved so far. If he were in his place, he would have probably reacted the same way. Cas just had no idea what to do with his life and hoped he would find an answer to that question soon enough.

He was lucky to have a friend like Dean who comforted him with words of encouragement whenever he doubted his worth and he thanked the Lord every day for bringing him into his life.

“Hey boys, did you have fun with the girls?” Dean’s mother asked when they entered the house after storing the camping gear back into the garage.

“Yes, Mrs. Winchester. We were having a really good time,” Cas answered.

“Yeah, we had the honor to witness the wonder of girl love,” Dean said blankly.

“He means they kissed a lot,” Cas explained.

“Among other things,” Dean added, mumbling.

Sam made a grimace. “Ew!”

Dean stepped closer to his brother and pinched his cheek as he said, “Aw, as if you and your girlfriend never kiss.” Sam vigorously pushed him away, pouting as his face turned red. “Love is the most natural and beautiful thing, Sammy. No need to be embarrassed.”

“When are you leaving again?” Sam said, annoyed.

“Boys!” Mary interjected. “It’s Dean’s last evening before he goes back to college. Can we all please be nice to each other?”

“Sorry, mom,” her sons mumbled.

“So, I thought, as it’s your last evening here, we’d have burgers for dinner. Sam, you’ll prepare the lettuce and tomatoes. Dean, you’re the man at the grill. Alright?”  
“Got it!” Dean said before he and Sam left for the kitchen. “Cas, are you coming?” he called and Cas followed him, helping his friend as good as he could.

After dinner, when everyone was ready for bed, Mary caught Cas alone before going into Dean’s room. “Cas, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Of course, Mrs. Winchester. What is it?”

“I wanted to apologize for my husband’s behavior the other day. He shouldn’t have said those things to you.”

“Mom,” said Dean who had just returned from the bathroom. “Don’t. Just don’t, okay? If dad wants to say sorry to Cas, he ought to do it himself. You’re not responsible for him.”

“You’re right, Dean. I know.” Then she clutched Cas’s arm. “Just don’t take John seriously, okay?” Cas nodded shyly. “Good night, you two.”

“I like your mom,” Cas spoke into the dark when they were both lying in their respective beds. “And Sam.”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed. “Now sleep. We have a long drive ahead of us tomorrow.”

 

They didn’t talk much on the eight-hour drive to Indianapolis. Cas assumed Dean was both exhausted from their time at the lake and anxious to finally meet his family. He had felt the same when he’d boarded the plane to Kansas City. Had he known how the encounter with Dean’s father would go down, his nervousness would have been much worse. His dad had already met Dean briefly and then he’d treated his best friend like he deserved and Cas was confident his mother and siblings were going to as well.

When Dean parked the car outside his parents’ house, Hannah had been awaiting them on the front porch and quickly ran down the pathway to welcome them.

“Hey, Hannah,” Cas said as his little sister had her arms slung around him. “Say hi to my best friend Dean.”

“Hello Dean, nice to meet you,” she said.

“Hi Hannah,” Dean replied. His tenseness had eased only slightly. There were still three more people he had to meet.

“Cas said you’re allergic to cats. Francis will stay in my room while you’re here,” she told him.

“That’s very considerate of you, thank you,” Dean said.

His parents welcomed Dean warmly when they had entered the house. Michael did, too, but Dean acted very defensively towards him—probably because Michael had ‘stolen’ Cas’s girlfriend, like Dean used to call it, though Cas had already made his peace with him and Meg being together. Cas appreciated his friend’s moral support, but in this case it really wasn’t necessary.

“Cas will show you the guest room,” his mother told Dean and Cas proceeded to go upstairs. “Just take your time to settle in. Dinner will be ready in an hour.”

“Won’t I be sleeping in your room?” Dean whispered from behind as he followed Cas up to the second floor.

“There’d be nothing for you to sleep on, except the floor. The guest bed is really comfortable. You even have your own bathroom there,” Cas explained.

“Yeah, but,” he stopped to look if anyone else was around to hear him. “Won’t that be weird? What if I wake up before everyone else? What do I do then?”

Cas chuckled. “You could have a shower or, if you’re hungry or thirsty, you just help yourself in the kitchen.”

“Really? Would you do that in a stranger’s house?”

“Or you could just go to my room and wake me up,” Cas told him alternatively.

“Yeah, right, Palpatine. I’d rather have my eyes clawed out by the cat.”

That stupid nickname again! He really wasn’t _that_ bad in the morning—he just needed a certain amount of time to wake up properly.

“Whatever,” Cas sighed and opened the door to the guest room.

“Wow!” Dean declared in astonishment. “Nice.”

“Told you so.”

“I think I’m gonna shower before dinner,” Dean decided.

“Yeah, I’ll do the same,” Cas said and left Dean his privacy.

When Cas had dressed in fresh clothes after his shower, there was a knock on his door. It was Dean who went to sit on his bed as he had entered the room. “You really don’t have much stuff aside from books.”

“Books are stuff too,” Cas pointed out. He had been raised to pursue antimaterialism and not to hoard worldly goods. The books were an exception, but he had gotten around to rather borrow them from the library than to actually buy them. Besides his clothes and things he needed for college he didn’t have many possessions.

Dean then asked, “Did all your friends have to sleep in the guest room when you were a kid?”

Cas pursed his lips. “I didn’t really have friends as a child. At least none that were close enough that I’d invite them to spend the night at my house.”

“Oh Cas, I’m so sorry,” Dean said.

“Don’t get me wrong—I had a happy childhood. I think Father Joshua used to be who I considered a very good friend. Priests, though, usually don’t do sleep overs at kid’s houses. That’d be just wrong.”

Dean laughed. “Yeah, that’d be really fishy.”

“But now I have you,” Cas said, beaming at him. “And Charlie, and Dorothy. I love you guys and I’m so happy to have you.”

For some reason Dean looked upset for a split second, but then he got up and pulled him into a warm embrace. He smelled like the shampoo his mother used to provide for guests. “I love you too, man. We all do.”

Then there was once again a knock on the door. “Yes?”

Hannah cracked it open a little. “Mom says we shall come downstairs for dinner.”

“Thanks, Hannah. We’re coming.”

They had just passed the threshold to the dining room when Cas stopped abruptly, his features suddenly frozen. Hannah had already taken her seat next to Michael and to his right sat—

“Meg!” he exclaimed.

“Hello, Cas. How are you?” she said.

“What are you doing here?”

“I asked mom if she could have dinner with us tonight,” Michael answered for her. “You’re having a guest, so I thought I might be having a guest as well.”

Dean gently splayed a hand on his lower back. “Oh,” Cas exhaled. “Okay, um, Meg, this is my friend Dean.”

“I know, we’ve been introduced before, remember? Dean, it’s nice to see you in person this time.”

“Yeah, right…” Cas mumbled. He’d really been thrown off balance.

“Boys, please sit down.” His father had entered the room and gestured them to take their seats across from Meg and Michael.

Cas’s brother and dad kept talking throughout the meal, asking Dean questions from time to time, but he seemed reluctant to extensive answers and mostly replied with words like _yes, no_ or _sometimes._ Cas didn’t participate in the conversation at all. He hardly even touched his food. It was his last chance to enjoy a family dinner before spending the next few months in North Carolina but he wasn’t having a good time at all. He wished he and Dean would be back in Durham already—anywhere else but here.

After dessert Michael said he’d like to announce something. Cas looked up from his uneaten piece of pie. “We wanted to wait until Cas was back home before we told anyone,” he said with a growing grin on his face. He made a theatrical pause, then he continued, “Meg and I are engaged.”

A bolt of ice rushed through Cas body. He wanted to say something but his jaw was trembling too much. His breaths came out in shivers. Dean clasped his knee under the table.

“Oh, that’s good news,” his father said. “Congratulations.”

“Do you have a ring?” Hannah asked.

“Not yet,” Michael said. “But as you know I’ll start my new job next month and you can be sure that my first paycheck will be invested in a really nice piece of jewelry.” He raised Meg’s left hand to his mouth and kissed her ring finger which caused her to smile sheepishly.

Cas gasped and Dean’s grip got even tighter. He let his shaking hand fall on top of his friend’s and Dean let go of his knee to clutch it tightly, adding his other hand too.

“Cas, are you okay?” Meg asked with honest concern in her voice.

He had a lump in his throat but tried to speak anyway. “Y-yes. C-c-congrrratulations.” Getting out those two words had been incredibly exhausting. “’scuse me,” he murmured, entangled his hand from Dean’s, pushed back his chair and rushed out of the room, Dean right behind him.

“Cas, wait!” he called when Cas rushed upstairs. Tears were falling down onto his cheeks already. He didn’t stop before he was in the secure space of his room. Dean had followed him inside, closed the door and took him into his arms. He was actually crying now.

“Shhh, Cas, just let it out,” Dean spoke calmly and rubbed his back, rocking their bodies gently as he tried to comfort his friend.

Cas’s tears and snot were soiling Dean’s T-shirt but he didn’t seem to mind. “No offense,” he said after a while, “but your brother is a dick,” and Cas thought he was going to laugh at Dean’s bluntness but was actually just sobbing heavier.

After half an hour or so his mother came knocking, asking if Cas was okay and Dean reassured her that he was going to take care of him.

Cas couldn’t really remember going to bed when he woke up in the morning but he wasn’t alone when he opened his swollen and encrusted eyes. Dean hadn’t ended up sleeping in the guest room after all—he had stayed during the night to look after him and Cas was incredibly thankful for that.

“I told you I would wake up first,” Dean said when he noticed Cas stirring next to him. Cas huffed a small laugh. “How are you today?”

“Mm, better, I think,” Cas answered and scratched at his eyelids.

“You still have feelings for her, huh?”

Cas rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. “It’s not that,” he said. “I guess their engagement reminded me once more how lonely I am.”

“Hey, _I’m_ here!” Dean protested.

“You know what I mean. I’m just losing my hope to ever find a romantic partner again. Someone who’ll stay with me, who I can marry some day.”

“You’re already thinking about marriage? Cas, you’re only twenty.”

“You’re right. It’s just…I don’t know. I was aware that they might wanna get married sooner or later—I just didn’t assume it’d happen only a year after she broke up with me.” He got up. “Let’s have breakfast.”

Castiel’s mom had made them pancakes and Michael was also at the table when they sat down with their plates.

“Cas, I’m sorry for yesterday. I thought you’d be happy for us,” his brother said.

“I _am_ happy for you,” he said, slightly annoyed.

“Doesn’t sound like it.”

Then Dean opened his mouth to speak, his fork tinging against the ceramics as he put it down. “Have you ever wasted a thought about how this makes Cas feel?”

Michael gave him a dumbfounded look. “You’re announcing that you’re marrying his ex-girlfriend, just like that. Like he and Meg didn’t have any history.”

“He’s long gotten over the break up,” Michael noted heedlessly.

“This is not about Cas being over her. It’s how you handled the whole situation—you’re an inconsiderate prick!”

“Dean,” Cas said calmly, putting a hand on his arm.

“How dare you talk to me like that?” his brother said, visibly offended. Cas, though, understood Dean’s choice of words. He was only protecting him, even if he exaggerated a little.

“Cas, don’t you have something to say to this?” Michael asked him.

“Dean, that’s enough now,” Cas said.

“That’s it?” Michael just sat there with an open mouth, waiting for his younger brother to add something.

“We should leave in an hour so we really need to finish our breakfast,” he stated simply.

Michael grabbed his plate and coffee cup and stormed out of the room.

“Thank you, Dean, for your support,” Cas told his friend when they were on their own.

“Any time, Cas.”

 

Luckily, Cas didn’t have as much stuff as Dean and so they easily managed to fit everything into his car. The trunk had already been full when they had left Lawrence but Cas’s things didn’t even take up the entire backseat.

Cas had spent a quick five minutes to say a proper goodbye to the cat—Dean had waited a safe distance away until Cas had washed his hands afterwards—then hugged all family members, except Michael who had been sulking in his room and off they were again, on their way to North Carolina.

It was different this year. They got to finally move off the East Campus and proceeded to bring all their stuff into their new dorm. They had two separate bedrooms and a shared living area. Having his own room, now that he’d become aware of his feelings for Cas, was probably for the best. He’d still have to be silent if wanted to jerk off as the wall that separated them from each other appeared to be as thin as paper. Somehow, though, he’d miss waking up next to Cas aka Palpatine in the mornings.

Charlie and Dorothy’s room happened to be in the building next to theirs. Benny and Ash also were going to live close. Dean was really looking forward to the year that lay ahead.


	5. Party Fever

Charlie was hanging out in their room and had her legs swung over Cas’s lap as they were on the couch, she doing something on her phone, he reading a book that for a change was for pleasure, not for school. Dean wasn’t back yet from his seminar.

“Hey Charlie,” Cas said after a while. “I was thinking… So you’re a girl.”

Charlie looked up from her phone and down along the length of her body. “Yeah?”

“What do girls want? I mean what do they like in a guy or a person in general, romantically speaking?”

“There’s no standard answer for that. Everyone’s different.” She straightened up and moved her legs so that she could sit on them. “Why are you so obsessed with finding a girlfriend? Is it because your ex is getting married?”

“I just want what you have with Dorothy, you know. Every time I see you together I feel like I’m missing out on something.”

“You’re not the only single in the world, Cas. Not being in a relationship right now doesn’t make you a lesser person. And you can’t force anything. I think the harder you try, the harder it gets. Just relax—when it’s supposed to happen, it will.”

“I think you’re right. This constant thinking about finding love only upsets me.”

“Yeah, and who knows—maybe your special one is already nearby. You’ll see.” That was exactly what Father Jim had told him when they had talked about the break up. Cas just hoped they were right.

“And you’re hot, which definitely helps,” Charlie added with a smile.

“You think I’m hot?”

“Have you ever looked in a mirror? Yes, you are.” Right after she’d said that Dean entered the room.

“Hey guys! What’s up?”

“Charlie says I’m hot.” Dean gave her a weird look. He dropped his stuff in the corner behind the door and signaled Cas to scoot over so he could sit on the couch too.

“You _are_ hot, Cas,” he confirmed. “How is that news to you?”

If his two best friends said so, it was probably true. But his looks shouldn’t matter that much for a potential significant other. The girl should like him for who he was—he wanted her to be his friend as well, not simply a lover.

“Well, thank you,” he said. “You two are also quite attractive.”

“Whoa!” Charlie uttered. “Thanks for the compliment but I have a girlfriend.”

Dean laughed but didn’t say anything. A blush had spread on his face. “I’m hungry. Who’s in for pizza?” Dean then asked. After this, Dorothy came over too, also being informed by everyone how pretty she was, although the only opinion that really counted was Charlie’s, and they shared a family size pizza, each quarter with a different topping.

 

Cas was scheduled to meet up with his study group and was rushing to put his things together as he quickly stopped by his room after the course he’d just had. Dean’s door was open and Cas saw him hunched over his desk, concentrating on the paper Cas knew was due in a few days.

“Bye, Dean! See you later,” he called and Dean briefly waved his hand without looking up from his computer.

They were going to work on a presentation about the concept of free will regarding religious aspects that was to be held in two weeks. Cas had been grouped together with Bartholomew and Anna. The latter had become somewhat of a friend after he’d asked her out and she had turned him down. Anyhow, he was glad Anna was working with him on this project. She was smart and diligent and always good company.

“Hey, Cas,” she greeted him. “We were just talking about how it would be best if we started with the article you mentioned the other day. You know, the one dealing with Molinism.”

“Yes, good idea,” he said. “Let me just get the book out of my—” He had started to unpack his notepad, stapled copies of his other research, a pen… “I must’ve forgotten it in my room.”

“Okay, then we just use the other material we have so far and talk about the article another time,” Bart suggested.

“No,” Cas said. “I’ll go get it. I’ll be back in ten.” He rushed out of the room and the building, panting—he should really start running again—until he was back at his dorm. It was already dark outside and the lights in their common room were switched off. Dean’s room was also unlit. Cas thought he’d still be working on his paper. A small crack between door and frame leaked a vague white glint. He peeked through the small opening and saw that Dean was sprawled on his bed, wearing headphones, which was probably why he hadn’t noticed Cas being back. The only source of light in the room appeared to be the faint glow of the laptop on his desk. Dean let out a lengthy exhale. Then Cas realized that his pants were pulled down slightly and his right hand was at his groin. _Oh my god._ The lightning was everything but efficient but Cas could still see that Dean’s hand was wrapped around his penis, steadily moving it up and down. He had just walked in on his best friend while he was masturbating. Cas had been aware that Dean would do that on occasion but he had never really thought about it—he did it too, sometimes, not that often. He realized he was staring and quickly directed his view somewhere else. Leaning his back against the wall next to Dean’s door he could still hear the little noises Dean was making. A gasp, a sigh, followed by a pleasant hum.

He should just leave. They were living together—it had only been a matter of time until something like this was going to happen. Cas’s heart was beating heavily. Dean mumbled a few words. Did he just say ‘Cas?’ No, not possible. Why would Dean say his name right now? It was probably something similar, like ‘yes,’ which would certainly make more sense in this context.

Why was he still here? What kind of a creep was he even that he listened to his best friend masturbating? _Dean has a hand on his dick,_ said a small voice in his head. Cold sweat was covering his palms as he hurried out of the room. He was a pervert who didn’t respect his best friend’s privacy. The best friend he ever had, whom he loved with all his heart. He was sick.

Cas hadn’t even realized that he had already reached the table Anna and Bart were sitting at. “Cas, where is the book?” Anna asked.

“Huh?”

“The one with the article you wanted to show us. You were just gonna get it.”

He looked at his empty hands. “Oh, yeah… I couldn’t find it. I’ll e-mail it to you when I’ve found it again.”

“Alright,” she said. “Anyway, Bart and I were just discussing the assumption de Molina makes. God’s omniscience that makes him aware of everything that happens and is going to happen, and his so-called middle knowledge, or _scientia media,_ which describes his knowledge of how a person would be acting in a merely hypothetical situation….”

Anna’s voice was only an indistinct sound in the background of his racing mind. They didn’t get much done; at least Cas didn’t. His classmates perceived that something was off and Cas couldn’t come up with another excuse than telling them he didn’t feel well, so they decided to postpone their meeting.

Cas was afraid to go back to his room quite yet, so he sat on the steps that lead up to the entrance of his building for a while. He wasn’t really dressed appropriately for the chilly fall night but he didn’t particularly care about maybe catching a cold. After some time he decided Dean should be done with whatever he might have kept doing after Cas had left earlier. When he got to their dorm room, Dean was back sitting at his desk, writing, like nothing had ever happened in the meantime.

Dean stayed up after him but in reality it took Cas hours to finally find sleep. He was feeling really perturbed by what he had witnessed tonight. It wasn’t just accidentally seeing Dean doing this kind of thing; it was the possibility that Dean had whispered his name in the course of doing what he had done. Had Dean been thinking of him while pleasuring himself? Cas knew that Dean was bisexual but his best friend couldn’t actually be attracted to him, could he? There had never been any indication that Dean would like him like that. Dean was his best friend. He was always there when Cas needed him, provided him with useful advice, comforted him when he was upset, held him in his arms when he cried…that was what best friends usually did, right? Cas would do the same for him.

Dean had slept in his bed after Cas had learned about Meg and Michael’s engagement because he really hadn’t been in a good place back then. Certainly not because he’d had any physical approach in his mind. Dean wouldn’t do that to him.

There was this morning at the lake when the girls had been extraordinarily noisy. That memory made Cas shiver uncomfortably. Dean had been irking him and they’d been playing around. His friend had been joking the whole time, no doubt.

Why would Dean even consider this? He knew Cas liked girls; he had seen him with a girl. It hadn’t ended well with Mandy, yes, but… Could Dean try and kiss him? For instance when they’re watching a movie, when Cas would least expect it, Dean could just lean in and clutch his mouth with his lips. He wouldn’t ask; he would just do it.

No, the person in this scenario was not the Dean Cas knew so well. Surely, there was no need to worry at all. He probably had just misheard. The idea of his best friend thinking of him while he tried to reach completion was just absurd.

All those musings around the subject of masturbation had led him to getting half-hard. Why did this have to happen now? This was really not the right time.

He chose to ignore his current condition and hoped it would go away eventually. After another prolonged period of tossing around in his bed, he finally managed to sleep.

 

This semester was the worst so far. His workload was only slightly reducing despite his effort to finish everything early. Procrastination was deadly at this point. It was still two weeks until finals and he desperately needed another break. If he finished this tonight, he could take Sunday off, so he had to keep going.

Benny had been texting him about the big game all week but Dean didn’t have the time or the nerve to feel amped about a basketball match—no matter how big it was said to be. Yet, his friend stopped by his room to tell him that he was on his way to see the Blue Devils succeed. The team’s colors embellished his face: one half was painted blue, the other white. His shirt read ‘I still love Laettner.’

“At least come to the party afterwards,” Benny said. “Everyone will be there.”

“What if we lose? You won’t feel like partying if the other team beats us.”

“Man, don’t say that! We’ll crush them. They’ll be crying for their mommies when we’re finished with them,” Benny argued. Duke’s victory was beyond question for him.

“Fine,” Dean said. He really wanted Benny to leave him alone now.

“It’s bad enough that you’re gonna miss the best game of the year, but you can’t miss the party.”

“There’ll be other parties,” Dean noted.

“Not like this one. Just imagine the atmosphere when everyone is celebrating our guys, completely hyped, the best night of our lives—something like this won’t happen so soon again, probably never,” Benny predicted him in vivid colors.

Dean rolled his eyes. “I’ll see what I can do. If, through some kind of miracle, I get this done tonight, I might stop by.”

“No, Dean, you are definitely gonna be there,” Benny corrected.

“Maybe.”

“For sure.”

“Perhaps.”

“I’ll see you there.”

Cas was walking through the door. “Heya, Cas, my man,” Benny said and slung an arm around his shoulders. “Promise me you’re gonna drag Dean’s lazy ass to our after-game party tonight.”

“Oh, uh, I think I won’t go,” Cas told him.

“Man, you can’t let me down. I’m telling you guys, you’re gonna regret it tomorrow when everybody will be talking about this awesome night for weeks, maybe years.”

“You’re gonna miss the game if you don’t stop trying to persuade us to come to your party,” Dean reminded him.

“I won’t leave before I hear what I want.”

“Alright,” Dean sighed after a moment. “Text me when you’re there. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Dude, yes!” Benny high-fived him a little too hard before finally taking off.

“What party?” Cas asked when it was just the two of them.

“According to Benny tonight is the game of the century and there’ll be this frat house party afterwards and everyone is supposed to be there.”

“Well, I got stuff to do…and even if I didn’t, this doesn’t sound like something I’d consider fun,” Cas said.

“Yeah, I don’t feel like going either…” He thought about it for a second. This coursework really sucked and he was already sick of seeing it. But he had to stay reasonable, so he returned to focus on his task, and Cas did so too.

The game was obviously over when Benny called him, though Dean couldn’t understand a word of what he was saying over the noise in the background. He called again a minute later, shouting, “We won! We fucking won!” into his phone, leaving Dean with an annoying whistle in his ear that wouldn’t stop for the next ten minutes.

He was just so fed up with this shit. Everyone was having fun right now, chants proclaiming Duke’s triumph echoed through the hallways and paths outside. He heard Cas sighing in his room.

“You look as motivated as I am,” he told Cas, leaning casually in the passage of his door.

“It’s so boring,” Cas admitted.

“Fancy a party?” Dean asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I don’t like this kind of parties,” he answered.

“Have you ever been to one?”

“No… But I’m sure I wouldn’t like it.”

“Oh, Cas, come on,” Dean whined. “Just for a bit. Come with me, please. I don’t wanna go there on my own.”

“Benny will be there. And some of the others too, I guess.”

“Cas, please!” He sounded like a small child begging for candy. “ _Pleeeease!”_

Cas took a deep breath. “Fine, I’m coming with you. But only for a moment, to get out of here.”

Dean jumped at him, taking fists full of his shirt at his back. “Thank you, you’re the best!”

“I know. Don’t forget that.”

One could hear the ongoing party from far away and Dean briefly thought he was going to be blown away by the bass that hit him as soon as he entered the house. Cas was right behind him and Dean had to pull him inside by his arm before he could turn on his heel and run away. The present crowd was not more than a mixture of blue and white bodies, entangling even further as they moved around dancing. Dean stuck out in his olive shirt whereas Cas fit in perfectly well with his blue one. Probably too well. If Dean ever lost him here, he wouldn’t be able to find him again. “Stay with me,” he yelled over the music, grabbed Cas’s hand and hauled him through the masses.

“Dean, you’re here!” Benny cried out but Dean could hardly hear him. He was saying something else that Dean didn’t understand. “What?”

“Drinks. Kitchen,” Benny mouthed and Dean followed him, Cas still in tow.

Gladly, the noise in there wasn’t as rampant as in the main living area. “Here, have some beer,” Benny said and handed him the cup he’d just filled.

“Dean,” Cas spoke close to his ear. “You’re only twenty.”

“I know, Cas, but this is college—let me have some fun,” he replied and tasted his drink. “It’s not like we’re doing shots.” He didn’t want to end up getting blackout drunk.

Cas made huge eyes at the second cup Benny was offering him now. “You’re twenty-one and officially allowed to drink,” Dean reminded him. Despite being of legal drinking age, Dean knew Cas hadn’t made any use of it so far. Dean and Benny were both staring at him.

He took a swig and his friends cheered. “Go, Cas!” Benny exclaimed and all three of them raised their beers, declaring to drink to the Blue Devils.

The first beer was followed by another and during the third Dean started to feel a pleasant buzz. Cas was trying to keep up with him and swaying slightly when they squeezed through the sea of people to look who else was there. It was everything but easy to get forward as other party goers were constantly in the way.

The beer was passing him quickly and they gladly found some free space in the hallway where Dean could leave Cas alone for a moment. “I gotta piss,” he called as loudly as he could. “Be right back. You stay here, understood?” And Cas nodded but briefly hesitated to let go of his arm in a desperate plea to not be left alone. “Hurry,” Dean thought it was that he replied before he headed upstairs to find a bathroom.

Luckily, there was just a short line at the moment and after finishing his business a guy stopped him on his way back. “Heyyy!” He was grinning dumbly and his pupils were so dilated that Dean couldn’t even tell his eye color if he had been sober enough to focus on something like that. There was no doubt the guy was completely hammered. “Ye don’ rembr me?” he slurred. Then Dean recognized him as the guy he’d made out with at Charlie’s birthday party last year. Suddenly he was on him, pushing Dean against the nearest wall and started kissing his neck—if you could even call that kissing rather than guzzling. Dean decidedly shoved him away, just in time because right after that the guy was puking down all over his own shirt and pants. It was really time to leave here and get back to Cas.

Apparently, his friend was having a similar problem. Some girl had gotten uncomfortably close to him, repeatedly touching his arm and twisting a strand of her hair between two fingers with the obvious intention to seduce him. Cas didn’t appear to be into her at all. When did he finally learn to just tell if he was rebuffed by someone’s tantalizing demeanor? Sometimes he didn’t understand Cas. One day he was moping about not being able to get a girl, the other he’s shutting himself off from the world around him.

But no, that wasn’t fair. Cas couldn’t just switch off his brain and let his instincts take over, unlike him. Cas was special and he only deserved the best, most attentive and tender person to make him feel loved.

“Excuse my friend here,” he told the girl and tugged him away from her, ignoring her protest.

“Cas, what are you doing?” he asked then, standing close to him with his lips at his ear.

“She wouldn’t leave me alone,” he said.

“Why didn’t you just tell her to piss off?”

“She made me nervous. I didn’t know what to say.”

Dean didn’t like how upset he was looking. “Come on, let’s drink some more,” he said and they returned to the kitchen and quickly gulped down another cup of beer each.

“We should dance,” Dean then said.

Cas glanced over into the living room where the core of the party was based. “I’m not a good dancer,” he replied.

“No-one cares, Cas. Just move however you like. You’re here to have fun, remember that.”

“Dean, I don’t know, I—”

“Guys!” It was Charlie who interrupted him, Dorothy tucked under her arm. “Benny told us you’re here. We’ve been looking for you for ages!”

“Hey, girls! We were just talking about hitting the dance floor,” Dean told her.

“Yeah, I’m gonna show you my moves,” Charlie replied and they all pushed through the crowd into the center of the living room.

Cas was really stiff, frowning uneasily, and only stood there at first but then Dean gripped his hips, swinging him from left to right until a cautious smile appeared on his face and he eventually started to dance on his own. Dean, Cas and the girls were all close together, Dean spinning around either of them from time to time. Everyone was having a good time and even Cas appeared to be happy right now, not thinking about people’s eyes on him anymore that might judge his style.

Dean felt the music, the beat rushing through his veins. He was pumped. Charlie was dancing up to Cas from behind and soon he was sandwiched between her and Dean who was grinding his ass against his hip bone, not wasting a thought on how that might look—Cas didn’t seem to mind anyway. When the song ended, they broke apart laughing.

Dorothy was dancing towards her girlfriend until they were impossibly close. Their hands were caressing the other’s cheeks, mouths hanging open slightly, breathing each other in. For the girls it was only them, no-one else around mattered.

Cas was right there, moving to the rhythm of the music. It was hot—with every inhale through his mouth Dean could taste the heat the people surrounding them radiated. Cas’s hair was sticking up from repeatedly running a hand through it. The motion was part of his dance moves, the other arm was up in the air. His cheeks were rosy and his parted lips were glistening with saliva. A sheen of sweat covered his skin along his throat all the way down to his chest. He looked so good in his V-neck.

Cas was there and Dean was there and Cas was so beautiful and who knows what might happen. A kiss…it could be a kiss, soft and cautious, devouring the sweetness of Cas’s pink plush lips, toying with his tongue. He could just do it, not even batting an eye. He could finally feel him, give into his desire.

But he was still conscious enough to hold back. The girls were making out heavily, only a blend of red and brown hair sitting on their shoulders, hard to tell were one started and the other ended. Dean’s heart ached at the sight.

All of a sudden Cas’s dancing stopped. His eyes had lost their focal point and Dean shot forward to hold him. “Cas?” He hurried to get him out of the crowd and into the kitchen where he sat him down on a bar stool.

“Cas, are you alright?”

The air in here was cooler and his focus had slightly improved. “I’m feeling a bit nauseous,” he said.

Dean quickly filled a fresh cup with tap water and handed it to him. “Drink,” he told him and gently pushed the hair that stuck to his sweaty forehead out of his face. When Cas had lead the cup to his lips and started to swallow, Dean turned back to the sink and got himself a cup of water as well.

“How are you now?” he asked when Cas had finished his drink.

“Better,” Cas answered. “But I think I wanna go home now.”

“Alright, then let’s go,” Dean said and luckily it only took him a minute to find their coats under the big pile next to the door.

“Did you have fun tonight?” Dean asked as they walked over the campus. The night air was crisp and cleared his head a little, though he still felt drunk.

“Mhm,” Cas replied. Dean had slipped an arm around his waist when they had left the frat house, pulling him close and making sure he didn’t fall over.

They didn’t talk any more until they reached their dorm and Dean guided Cas into his room. He got him out of his coat and gestured Cas to sit on the edge of his bed so he could pull off his shoes but somehow Cas missed the mattress and instead his ass landed on the fluffy rug in front of it. For a quick second Dean worried that Cas had hurt himself but then he began to giggle. “Oops,” he said.

Dean threw his overcoat on the bed before bending down and opening Cas’s shoelaces and swiftly hauled the sneakers off his feet.

“You’re so good to me,” Cas told him.

“Yeah,” Dean said as he sat down next to him. “I know.”

Their shoulders brushed but Dean leaned closer and Cas’s head gently knocked against his. He could just fall asleep like this—right there with Cas cuddling him. He thought he was already dreaming when suddenly another pair of lips made contact with his own.

 

Later Cas wouldn’t know why, at that moment, he’d thought this would be a good idea, but he felt light-headed and warm against Dean’s side, so he leaned forward and kissed him. He wasn’t surprised at all that Dean, in response, angled his head to fit their lips better together. A tiny part of his brain wanted him to stop immediately before things got more serious but, gladly, the alcohol in his system restricted its authority right now. If their mouths weren’t basically glued to each other and his tongue pleasurably caught in Dean’s mouth, he would’ve probably done something stupid, like voiced his concern.

Then, he didn’t know why, his hand landed on Dean’s thigh. Maybe he just needed something to hold onto; he wasn’t particularly steady with the booze making him slightly dizzy and the push and poke of lips and tongue that regarded all of his attention. He couldn’t keep his hand from wandering upwards until it met a hardness that felt somehow out of place. What could this be? It really wasn’t Dean’s phone, maybe it—

_Oh._

Cas had never touched another guy’s erection before, let alone seen one up close. The wave of anxiousness passed quickly and now he’d become curious, excited even. He could feel the excitement in his own pants.

Faint gasps escaped Dean, hotly hitting Cas’s mouth, as he began to rub at the condition he had just discovered. The quality of their kissing suffered, though, so Cas retreated his hand, intending to focus more on what their mouths were doing. Dean’s whine at the sudden loss hurt him deep in his chest, wherefore he hurriedly put his hand back where it belonged. His aim to make Dean feel good had so far distracted him from his own hard-on but the ache between his legs grew and longed for Dean to return the aid of a warm palm against it. Then, as if Dean had read his mind, a hand sneaked into his lap and found its rest exactly where it was needed. Now it was Cas’s turn to let out a sound of relief, a full-grown moan actually. Dean replied with a groan of his own.

Gradually, they shifted into a more horizontal position, Cas dragging Dean towards the floor with him. Cas’s eager fingers started to fidget with the button of Dean’s pants, then the zipper. A quick glance up at Dean’s eyes convinced him that he was totally on board with what he was about to do, so Cas promptly shoved his hand under the denim. Dean squirmed above him at the first contact of Cas’s palm and his clothed dick which encouraged Cas to move his hand along its length with firm pressure.

Lying on his fuzzy bedside rug made his head spin more than when he’d been sitting upright and Dean rocking his hips in a rhythm with his hand did nothing to ease his dizziness. He hadn’t noticed himself beginning to hump against thin air but Dean obviously had and nudged a knee between his legs to provide him with friction.

Dean’s lips had begun to suck at his neck, causing Cas to recite a litany of breathy gibberish. He was startled by the brush of Dean’s fingers against his hip where a breach of bare skin lay exposed between the hem of his shirt and the waistband of his jeans. Dean’s eyes met his, a spark of guilt in them, but Cas just nodded enthusiastically, making the spinning sensation in his head even worse, and Dean swiftly worked his fly open. Cas lifted his hips just enough to allow Dean to pull the jeans down over his ass but the fabric of his boxers got caught in a fold of the garment and suddenly his entire midsection lay on display.

Dean froze above him, about to sputter a series of apologies, but Cas silenced him before his throat could even emit a sound by forcefully pressing their lips together. His hands reached up to Dean’s trousers and underwear and shoved them out of the way as well. Dean withdrew himself from the heated kiss to get some much needed air in his lungs which gave Cas the opportunity to take in the sight of Dean’s freed and swollen cock. He hitched a breath at the realization that the view made his own dick even harder than it had been before. Dean seemed to notice his awestruck mesmerization since he took him by the wrist and guided his hand to touch him.

It felt weird. Good weird. The skin was warm and smooth, just like his own cock. Without his liquid confidence he probably would’ve already locked himself inside his closet, hyperventilating, because this would have been too much for one night. But the haziness his new friend beer had induced was blocking his ability of thinking rational and he felt content in the soft arms of his cloudy mind.

Not really out of nowhere, still somehow unexpected, Dean’s fingers closed around his erection, beginning to pump him slowly. The pleasure that shot through his body made his grip on Dean’s dick tighten until both of them were sighing weakly.

Dean’s face was buried in the crook of his neck, hot exhales dampening his skin there, whereas Cas drunk in the intoxicating scent of Dean’s hair with every faltering breath.

The pace of their stroking had been moderate at first, increasing steadily up to a point where both of them were driven by the thrill of their approaching orgasms—the closer they got, the faster the motion of their hands.

Cas came first.

Never before had he climaxed like this, with another person in the room, with another person touching him. His eyes remained fiercely shut as he did his best to keep up his effort to make Dean feel the same way. Honestly, he wasn’t even so sure if his hand was moving at all but then he heard a strangled grunt and his fist was being covered by something slick and warm. A part of him was relieved he hadn’t seen Dean come. In that case he would’ve probably burst into tears, overwhelmed by the whole situation. Another, significantly smaller part, would have liked to see Dean tensing as satisfaction hit him, draining all the pressure of his arousal from his body. The existence of this tiny part filled him with embarrassment.

Cas just lay there, unmoving, his soiled hand up in the air. He didn’t dare to open his eyes as he listened to Dean’s shuffling around in his room, probably putting his clothes back on. Then Dean took his hand and gently wiped his come off with what Cas supposed was a handful of Kleenex.

“Cas,” he spoke softly. Cas hesitated for a second before finally looking up at him. “You should, maybe, clean yourself. I…here,” he said, offering him the tissue box.

Cas stared at it for a moment, accepting it eventually. He pulled a few tissues out and removed the few drops that hadn’t been caught by Dean’s hand from his oversensitive skin, while Dean politely averted his eyes.

When Cas was done, Dean took the used tissues from him and threw them in the trash. Cas got up from the floor, hoisting himself onto his feet on the bedpost.

“So…” Dean started, standing a few feet away, facing him. He was hugging himself with one arm, fingers nervously scratching the other arm’s bicep.

“I should go to bed. I’m really tired,” Cas said.

Dean’s features twitched slightly, almost forming an interpretable expression, but immediately returned to being neutral. “Yeah, me too, actually,” he said. “Night, Cas.”

Dean made his way to the door but stopped before leaving Cas’s room and turned around. “Are…are we good, Cas? You’re not mad at me, are you?”

He looked pitiful. Cas wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around his best friend and tell him that everything’s going to be alright. He refrained from it though. Instead he repeated himself, “We’re fine. I’m just really, really tired,” and forced a yawn out of his mouth. He was, in fact, very tired, but he also wanted Dean to just leave him alone for now. “Good night, Dean,” he said to make this clear and Dean finally left for his own room.

Relieved, Cas fell into his bed, swearing to himself to never drink again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, what a surprise, considering the tags ;)


	6. Fallout

When Dean stirred awake in the morning, he had a slight headache. He hadn’t slept particularly well, vexed by distorted memories of the night before. For a Sunday it was still too early to get out of bed but Dean was restless. He really wanted to be happy about what happened but he couldn’t let himself before he knew how Cas thought about this. Did he regret it? He had seemed weird afterwards.

Maybe Cas had actually been tired and considering that he hadn’t felt so well at the party, Dean understood that he needed to get some rest.

Also, he probably needed time to adjust. Nobody had put anything in anyone but technically it was Cas’s first time. This realization could be overpowering.

On top of that came the fact that it wasn’t just some girl he’d taken this important step with, but his best friend. His male best friend. Dean had had years to get used to the idea of being attracted to men but Cas—it was likely he’d never even contemplated this.

Whatever was going on between them right now, Cas loved him, Dean was certain of that. They would have to talk about the incident. Maybe Dean was worried for nothing and Cas, too, had been in love with him all along, too frightened that Dean could reject him.

He stayed in bed a little longer. It was silent in Cas’s room, so he was probably still asleep anyway. He replayed the previous night in his head. Cas had kissed him first—his mind didn’t deceive him in that, Dean was absolutely sure. It had also been Cas who’d started the touching, the undressing, he’d wanted it as much as Dean.

Cas wanted him.

All that fretting about finding a girl, wanting to have sex—maybe Dean had just misread Cas’s signs. He’d told Dean he was ready. He’d told him he found him attractive. Maybe this was Cas-speak for ‘It’s _you_ I want, you moron.’ Could he have really been that oblivious?

Dean thought about that morning at the lake. The air in their tent had been filled with tension…the way Cas had been staring at him. It wasn’t just wishful thinking. Cas had wanted him right there.

He couldn’t stay in bed any longer. All that speculation made his headache even worse.

Dean knocked at Cas’s door and opened it carefully when Cas didn’t answer. His room was empty, the bed was already made.

Dean tried to call him but Cas didn’t pick up his phone.

 

It was only six o’clock when Cas woke up. For a moment he thought kissing Dean had only been a bizarre dream, but when he’d regained full consciousness, he realized it hadn’t been a dream at all. The kiss actually happened, more so, they hadn’t just kissed, they had… Cas felt panic stir in his stomach. How could he have molested his best friend like this, how could he have used him for the sake of his own pleasure? He’d been really drunk.

Yet, his intoxicated state didn’t really count for an excuse. He was aware that Dean might have feelings for him and he could be getting his hopes up after what Cas had done. After what _they_ had done.

He felt dirty. On the inside even more than on in the outside. He desperately needed cleanse for both kinds of blemish.

He headed to the bathroom to take a shower. He soaped and rinsed twice to make sure he was thorough enough with the first step of his cleaning process and tried not to think of Dean’s hand on him when he washed at his crotch and thrust down every involuntary mental picture that might have come up at the reminder of skin on skin. He could do this. He could resist the urge to just grab at it and give into the memories from last night.

Despite overcoming his instincts, he felt like he had to soap and rinse a third time, just to be on the safe side.

When Cas had dried off, he put on a dress shirt and black jeans, brushed his teeth, combed his hair and quickly returned to his room, making sure Dean was still asleep before entering, and googled on-campus Sunday Mass hours. He found that he still had enough time to buy a coffee before the Catholic service at Goodson Chapel started and left before his roommate would run into him.

It was a sunny December morning and hardly anyone appeared to be up yet. The remainder of yesterday’s jubilant mood seemed to linger in the wintry air. Blue and white banners were scattered along the pathways here and there. A comfortable silence reigned over the university’s grounds as Cas leisurely walked towards the coffee shop that was closest to the chapel. He was greeted by an uncommon tranquility when he entered the building, only a few guests sprinkling a small number of tables throughout the room. Some of them looked like they hadn’t even slept yet. One guy’s cheeks were still covered with face paint, though the blue and white letters that supposedly used to say _B_ and _D_ were smudged now.

When Cas had received his order, he sat down at a table all on his own. He took small sips from the hot beverage and nibbled at his blueberry muffin. Rays of sunlight conjured beautiful patterns onto the wall opposite the big window as they collided with the twigs and branches of the surrounding trees. The sight of shadows made him fear the night that was ahead of him. He’d have to return to his room, to Dean, sooner or later and he didn’t know what Dean was expecting from him. That’s why he needed to talk to a priest. He had to confess, share his sins, seek forgiveness and ask how to deal with their beleaguered friendship.

Time passed quickly and Cas made his way over to the chapel. Quite a large group was already gathered, engrossed in animated conversation. Cas was not sure were to sit and went for a row in the back but the girl who was arriving after him noticed him being a little lost and tipped his shoulder. “I haven’t seen you around. Is it your first time here?” she asked.

“Yes, actually,” he said.

“Welcome then. Do you wanna sit with me and my friends over there? We’d be happy to get to know you. My name is Rachel by the way.”

Cas was taken aback somehow by her openness but also thankful that she invited him to sit with her. “Thank you, Rachel, I’d like that. I’m Castiel. Nice to meet you.” He followed her to one of the rows in the front and Rachel introduced him to her friends. They all were part of a group of Catholic students at Duke and suggested he could join if he’d like. He told them he’d think about it.

Cas really enjoyed the service. He usually didn’t attend Mass anywhere but home, yet he couldn’t come up with a good reason for why he hadn’t come here before. Later, Rachel invited him to lunch with her friends and Cas said he would meet them after he’d be done confessing. Luckily, the priest—Father Theodore, as he’d learned—had time for him and gave Cas the opportunity to unburden himself. He didn’t go into much detail, yet enough that it was clear why he had to confess. What he’d done was wrong; he’d wronged his best friend and even though God might forgive him, he wasn’t sure he could ever forgive himself. Still, he felt much better afterwards and joined his new friends to have lunch with them. It was a group of welcoming, decent people that embraced him with warmth. Like Cas they were devout Catholics, thriving as they engaged in the good work the church did for others. For the first time in a very long while he felt like he actually belonged.

 

Dean was worried sick about Cas. It was already 3 p.m. and he still hadn’t heard from him. Charlie, Dorothy, Benny—no-one had seen him or knew where he was.

Then, finally, the door to their room opened and Cas came in.

“Cas, where were you?” Dean asked as he felt furious and relieved at the same time. “You weren’t there when I woke up. You didn’t pick up your phone. I was worried. I searched the bathrooms, thinking you might be barfing your brains out somewhere.”

“Oh, I wasn’t hungover, thank God. But I’ve learned my lesson. I won’t be drinking again,” Cas said, showing no reaction to Dean’s anger. “I was at church.”

“Why were you at church?”

“Well, it’s Sunday. Also, I was at confession.”

“Confession?”

“Yes, I really needed to get something off my chest.”

“So you’re alright?”

“Yes, Dean, I am. Are you okay, too? You aren’t feeling sick, are you?”

“No, Cas, I’m fine…I think.” His friend’s calmness confused him. After the thing with Mandy he’d been a total mess. Now they had jerked each other off and Cas was casual as ever.

“You think?”

“Cas, about last night—”

“Yeah, I wanted to thank you.” Dean blinked a few times, puzzled by those words. “Thank you for taking care of me when I didn’t feel well and for bringing me back here. You always do that, Dean, you always take care of me. You’re a really good friend, the best,” Cas told him with a gentle smile. “Anyway, I still have to finish my work from yesterday, now if you’ll excuse me…”

“Cas,” Dean said loudly, his voice echoing from the walls. They had been avoiding certain matters long enough.

“Dean?”

“Cas, so you went to church, to confess, which I guess means you feel bad about something. But let me tell you—you don’t need to, okay? I’m not mad at you or anything, you understand me?”

“We are all sinners, Dean. I’ve allowed myself quite a big mistake and I had to seek absolution for it.”

Dean wasn’t so sure if they were actually discussing the same thing here. Did Cas consider last night a mistake? “Do you think I did something wrong, too?”

“You are who you are, Dean. I don’t blame you for anything. However, I’m running out of time and I really need to get something done,” he said, heading for his room.

“But Cas, I—”

“I think you should do so as well,” Cas interrupted him brusquely and retreated to his room, closing the door behind him.

Dean was baffled. Were they really going to act like nothing ever happened?

‘You are who you are, Dean.’ What the hell was that supposed to mean? _You, Dean, can suck as much cock as pleases you, and Charlie can be knee-deep into pussy if that’s her wish. That’s okay. But I can’t be into dick because that’s gay and wrong and I’m a good Christian boy._ Was it this Cas was thinking? _It’s okay as long as someone else is doing it._ That was just bullshit and Cas knew that. It meant that Cas, his best friend in the world, didn’t really accept him as who he was. And he was a hypocrite if he thought he and Dean weren’t very much alike. Dean had seen how much he’d gotten off on touching his dick; on having his dick touched by Dean.

He went into his room as well, not without loudly slamming the door shut.

 

Charlie stopped by their room in the evening. “Hey, everything alright? Have you heard from Cas yet?”

“Oh, yeah, he’s back. He’s okay,” Dean told her.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I kept bothering all kinds of people about him.”

“I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you.”

“What happened last night? You were gone all of a sudden.”

“You guys wouldn’t even have noticed if the house had been on fire,” he said. “Cas couldn’t handle his booze that well, so we left.”

“Oh no, how is he?”

“He’s fine, I already told you.”

“What about you? You don’t seem to be in the best mood.”

He didn’t want to tell her what had happened between him and Cas. This was something that only concerned them. If Charlie knew, she’d only make their situation worse. “I didn’t sleep well and I just want the semester to be over already.”

“Yeah, me too. I’ll leave you alone then. Bye,” she said and left.

He and Cas didn’t talk again that day, nor the next or the one that followed. When Charlie or anyone else would ask about his temper, he’d rely on using the approaching finals as an excuse. Cas stayed away from their room much of the time. Dean didn’t know where he was going after his courses. Maybe he was studying at the library, or talking to random priests about how gay his best friend was for him and how much that repelled him, sparing the fact that he didn’t appear to be so straight either.

One time, Dean had just made a quick coffee run, he saw Cas walking around with a group of people. Some girl was next to him, saying something that made him laugh. Dean hated her already.

Fuck Cas! Fuck that self-righteous son of a bitch! He could fuck that girl if he wanted, Dean didn’t care.

When the winter break had finally started, Dean drove back to Lawrence all on his own. It was a long car ride and some roads were in a really shitty condition due to the weather and Dean really could have used some company but he had refused Charlie’s offer to carpool with her and Dorothy. They’d only kept grilling him about his sour mood that hadn’t ceased despite the semester being over.

He and Cas hadn’t made any previous plans to go back home together, sparing Dean the detour to Indianapolis. Apparently, Cas’s parents had bought him a plane ticket but it was one of his new friends who brought him to the airport. Charlie told him that as Dean wouldn’t have known. Usually, when Cas had the opportunity to fly, it was Dean who gave him a lift. This time, though, Cas didn’t ask and Dean didn’t offer.

Cas had never liked receiving presents, but Dean always got him one for Christmas and his birthday anyway. This year Dean had bought him a pair of boxers, dotted with the Batman logo. It was funny, Dean had thought back then, recalling the early days of their friendship. He’d gotten it long before that crucial night. He could certainly not give it to him now. Never. It was too late to get a refund but he couldn’t keep it for himself either. That would only be sad. Maybe Charlie would want them. She could wear the boxers as pajama shorts or anything. Or he could give it to Sam instead. Receiving underwear as a Christmas present would truly bug him.

He was glad to come back home again. Or rather to not have to share a small space with someone he didn’t talk to and who didn’t talk to him. He had a large room for himself and would only be expected to socialize at their family Christmas dinner. At least that’s what he hoped it would be like. But his parents just couldn’t respect his privacy and made him leave his room all the time to have a meal with them and Sammy. Sam. He had stopped being his _little_ brother months ago. Now Sam was his younger, much taller brother.

Dean hated that everyone wanted him to talk, wanted to tell them how his last weeks in North Carolina had been. His dad asked if he had seen the game. The one Benny had been so excited about, which had incurred the events that must not be named. Dean replied he didn’t give a fuck about college basketball. His mom sent him to his room for that.

How old was he, twelve? He was going to be twenty-one in a month. He could do and say whatever the fuck he wanted. Christmas sucked. His family sucked. Everyone sucked.

At Christmas morning Dean was the last Winchester to be up. “Finally,” Sam sighed. “Mom said I had to wait for you to come downstairs before I could start opening presents.”

“I’m here now, aren’t I? What are you waiting for? Go ahead,” Dean told him.

“Dean, could you at least today be nice,” his mother said.

“I guess this one’s from Dean,” Sam noted, holding a black plastic bag in his hands. “You could’ve at least bothered wrapping it properly.”

“And produce unnecessary waste? Sammy, I thought you were committed to protecting the environment.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Whatever…” Inside the bag were the boxers he’d initially gotten for someone else. “Dude, are you serious? You’re giving me underwear for Christmas—that’s just so grandma.”

“What? I thought you liked Batman. You wanted to be him when you were little, remember? Good times.”

“I broke my arm, you jerk!”  

“It’s not my fault that you were stupid and didn’t get that Batman can’t fly.”

“Dean, that’s enough!” his father scolded him.

“Go back to your room until you’ve come to your senses again,” his mother said and Dean stomped back upstairs and, of course, slammed his door. He fucking hated everyone.

A while later his father was at his door. “Go away,” Dean mumbled into his pillow as he lay on his bed, facing the wall.

John sighed. “Your mother sent me. I’d just leave you sulking on your own.”

“I don’t wanna talk to anyone,” Dean said but his father sat down at the edge of his bed nevertheless.

“Son, what’s wrong? Did some girl break up with you?” his dad asked.

“Why do you assume it was a girl? You know I’m bi, it could’ve also been a boy,” Dean replied rudely.

“Okay then…did a boy break up with you?” John rephrased his question.

“Why do you think someone broke up with me?” He turned around now so he could look at his father.

“I don’t know, I suppose…I mean, you were acting the same way when Lisa dumped you,” he said. “So who was it? Was it Cas?”

“Cas was never my boyfriend. Why are you even asking that?”

“Oh come on, son. I saw you two together. You like him, don’t deny it.”

Dean sat up. “Even if I liked him that way, he never was and never will be my boyfriend.” Then it dawned on him. “Is that the reason you acted like a total jerk towards him? Because you thought we were together and you couldn’t stand seeing me with a guy like that?”

John suddenly avoided his eyes. “I’m sorry, Dean,” he said. “I didn’t think he was good enough for you. You’re a talented young man with a great future ahead of you. You deserve someone better than him.”

“You don’t even know him!” Dean exclaimed. “He’s the best person I know and anyone would be lucky to have him.” Tears shot into his eyes. He really didn’t want to cry in front of his father.

“So you do like him,” his father observed.

“Doesn’t matter,” Dean said and swallowed his urge to just let go and cry. “I’m not even sure we’re friends anymore.”

“Did you have a fight?”

“Something like that, yes.”

“If he doesn’t want to be your friend, then he doesn’t deserve you as his boyfriend either. You’ll find someone else,” his father said and patted his shoulder.

Dean sniffed slightly and took a deep breath. “I should apologize to Sam, don’t I?”

“And your mother,” John added. “I’ve already forgiven you,” he told Dean and tousled his son’s hair before saying, “Come on, son. There are Christmas presents waiting for you.”

The brothers reconciled and Sam got to unpack the leather-bound notebook Dean had gotten him in the first place. Later in the day they shared a homemade meal at their grandparent’s house. Other than her daughter Mary, grandma Deanna was actually a good cook.

 

Cas spent most of the time he didn’t dedicate to his studies with Rachel and the others from the group of Catholics he’d met through her. He attended Mass not only on Sundays and also joined them for their weekly dinners. It was great being surrounded by people with familiar lives and views—it felt like he was back at home with the community he’d been a part of since his birth. Those boys and girls were just so much easier to talk to and they had easily accepted him as one of their own. He also got along very well with Father Theodore, though he wasn’t really able to open up to him like he could to Father Joshua, or Father Jim now.

After all that had happened in the weeks before, he’d been confused and thought he’d lost the path he was supposed to go. He still didn’t know where it was leading him but he felt relieved to be back on track.

Also, he had much more energy to focus on studying instead of brooding over finding his other half. His soul was already complete; he didn’t need to fix it. He was entitled to being a person of his own. Still, there were times when he felt something was missing—not necessarily inside him but in his life in general.

Charlie wouldn’t give up trying to get hold of him. It wasn’t like he was avoiding her; he just had a lot going on right now with his finals and church group. He needed to foster his new friendships so they could sustain. And he wasn’t Charlie’s only friend wherefore she should be able to do without him for some time. She also had Dorothy and…Benny and all the others.

Anyhow, when the finals were over and Cas was packing his stuff to go home for Christmas, Charlie persuaded him to go for a quick coffee.

“Cas, I’m worried about Dean. He hardly talks to me or to anyone. And you’re doing the same. Why?” she asked, nervously pushing her coffee from one hand into the other.

“I’m talking to lots of people,” he replied defensively. “I’ve just been pretty much invested in the Catholic community on campus and I’m studying really hard. As you know, philosophers aren’t particularly sought after and only the best grades can get me a good job after graduation.”

“But what about Dean? You guys aren’t talking either, am I right?” She looked upset.

“I guess he’s also putting a lot of effort in passing his tests. He already told me weeks ago that he needed a break from all of this.”

“So everything’s fine between the two of you, are you sure?”

“Yes, Charlie, everything’s alright,” he lied and made a mental note to bring this up during his next confession.

To be honest, he didn’t actually know what was going on between him and his roommate. Dean didn’t talk to him but neither did Cas attempt a conversation. There wasn’t really anything he needed to discuss with him, Cas supposed. Dean didn’t go to church and they didn’t study the same subjects and Cas certainly wouldn’t pursue getting a girlfriend again before his graduation. College was the important thing to focus on during this chapter of his life. A relationship could come afterwards. Or not. Obviously, this wasn’t something that lay in his hands.

“Okay then,” Charlie said. “How are you getting back home this time?”

“My parents bought me a ticket. My friend Zeke is bringing me to the airport.”

“Zeke…alright. Well, merry Christmas, Cas. Have a save trip,” Charlie told him and bent over the table and hugged him.

“Merry Christmas to you, too, Charlie. And to Dorothy and your family. Drive safely,” he said and Cas went back to the dorm to pick up his stuff. Dean was apparently also ready to leave, a huge bag hanging from his shoulder. They stared at each other for a brief moment. Dean opened his mouth as if to say something but then he cleared his throat and went past Cas and out their room. Neither of them wished the other a merry Christmas, nor did anyone say how much they were going to miss each other, unlike the previous breaks since they had become friends. Were they still friends? Cas didn’t know.

 

It was Michael who was expecting him in the arrival hall. “Hey, brother,” he said.

“Hello.” He had been informed that this was the family member who was to pick him up. They had talked their conflict out at Thanksgiving and forgiven for how they had been treating each other. Cas had once again reassured Michael that he was okay with him getting married to his ex-girlfriend and that his reaction didn’t have anything to do with how he thought about their relationship.

“You know Meg will be there too for Christmas dinner this week,” Michael said when they were in the car.

“Yeah, mom told me and I already anticipated that,” Cas replied.

“So, no more fighting this time?”

“No, we’re good,” Cas said.

The first thing Cas did after hugging his family and petting Francis for a while, was going to meet Father Jim. He wanted to tell him about the friends he’d recently made and how happy he was about his new-found community of like-minded people in North Carolina.

“I feel a bit guilty about finding fulfillment in being in another church community,” Cas admitted.

“We are all part of the same church, Castiel. It’s obvious that you want to have your community around wherever you go and you don’t have to feel like you’re betraying the people here because you’ve found friends elsewhere. Just because you’re going to college far away from home doesn’t mean you have to stay all by yourself. And you’ve made other friends before at Duke, haven’t you? What about your friend Dean?” the priest asked and Cas wished he hadn’t.

“I’m not so sure about him,” Cas said after some time.

“What do you mean, Castiel? Did he hurt you?”

“No!” He was a little too keen about his answer. “No,” he repeated, more sedate. “He would never hurt me. But maybe I hurt him… I just—everything’s different now.”

“What happened between you and your friend?”

Cas swallowed. “I think I did something wrong and…I already confessed my sins, so please don’t assume I’ve been carrying this burden around with me all the time.”

“Castiel—”

“I just don’t know if he ever wants to be friends with me again,” Cas told the priest before he could say anything.

“Is he willing to forgive you for what you did?”

“He already told me I did nothing wrong,” Cas answered apologetically.

“Then why do you think you did?”

“We’re just…different and what might not be wrong in his eyes is to me. I mean, I’m the problem here. I have a hard time dealing with who I am and in comparison to him I feel somehow humble, like he’s an ideal I can never match up to.”

“Life isn’t a competition, Castiel. And a human being can only strive for perfection after God’s example. Maybe you shouldn’t be friends with someone who makes you feel this way.”

“No, you don’t understand me. It’s not his fault! He always encourages me in everything I do and—” His voice cracked. “I feel like I don’t deserve him.”

“Castiel, of course you do. You’re a great person; don’t diminish yourself,” Father Jim said and put a hand on Cas’s back. “You should talk to Dean and ask him to be friends again, okay?”

“Yeah,” Cas sighed. “I mean it would be easier given that we’re roommates and are seeing each other every day.”

“Castiel, I can see how much you’re hurting. Talk to your friend,” Father Jim advised him once again.

Yes, he would do so. After Christmas, when they were back at college and a new year, a new semester would have begun. Adjourning this until then was probably for the best. In the meantime he would pray for an epiphany on how to handle this the best way. He just wanted everything to be how it had been before…

Just like _before,_ okay?

The Novak family Christmas dinner was held in an extended version this year. In addition to Cas, his parents and siblings came Meg, her parents and her brother. She looked happy and the ring that Michael had bought her blinked on her finger.

“I saw the wedding invitation we got,” Cas told her. “It’s nice. I like the picture you chose for it.”

“Thank you, Cas. You’re coming, right? You don’t have anything else going on, haven’t you?” Meg asked as they were marveling the Christmas tree.

“Meg, please. It’s my brother’s wedding. And yours, too. Do you think I would miss that?”

“Actually, I wasn’t so sure about that. But I really want you to spend this important day with us.”

“Yes, Meg, of course I’m coming,” he said. “How will your living situation look like? I mean since you’ve still got a year before graduation.”

“We’re looking for a small place in or near South Bend. Michael can work from home. He only needs to be at the office once a week, twice maybe if there’s a meeting he has to attend. What comes later I don’t know yet but I guess we will buy a house here somewhere.”

“That sounds great. I’m so happy for you, really. I know it hasn’t been easy for either of us but I only wish you the best.”

“Thanks, Castiel,” She hugged him and gave him a peck on his cheek and beamed as she added, “Brother-in-law.”

“Sister-in-law,” he replied with a smile.

“How’s everything else going for you, Cas? You said you’re happy for me and Michael but I have the impression you’re sad about something.” She just knew him too well.

“No, I… I’ll be fine. Let’s just eat dinner now and have a nice Christmas Eve. It’s all gonna work out,” he said. At least for now he didn’t want to think about Dean but for a moment he wondered what he would be doing right now. He took a long breath and pushed the thought back into a corner of his mind.

Dinner was as great as every year and the apple-cinnamon pie Meg’s mom had made was a perfect addition. Shortly before midnight the whole big family got into their cars and drove over to the church where Father Jim celebrated a beautiful Mass that gave Cas hope for what lay ahead of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That one hurt...  
> Sorry if you were expecting cute awkwardness in the morning or The Talk or whatever. We're still far away from the end.


	7. That's What Friends Are For

Dean was back at Duke and he was anxiously awaiting Cas’s arrival. He wasn’t sure if Cas even wanted to have something to do with him ever again. They could just live next to each other for the rest of the year—not interacting, only co-existing. He really didn’t want that. He wouldn’t be able to keep ignoring Cas. His heart was already in pieces and it needed fixture. This whole situation was just so awful.

Dean jumped from the sofa as soon as the door to their room opened. Cas put his stuff down and they stared at each other for a moment. Dean bit his lip, trying to think of something to start a conversation with. Cas seemed to do the same and then began rummaging in his backpack.

“I brought you some of my mom’s Christmas cookies,” he said and offered Dean a plastic container.

“Thanks,” Dean mumbled as he accepted the cookies. “Did your Bible club friend give you a lift again?” he asked.

“I took a bus. And it’s a community of Catholic students, not a ‘Bible club,’” Cas corrected him, making finger quotes as he repeated Dean’s choice of words.

“Right,” Dean noted. “How was your Christmas?” he wanted to know instead.

“Good,” Cas said. “Meg and her family were there, too.”

“How was that for you?”

“I’m fine with her and Michael getting married. I’ve already received an invitation. The wedding will be in June this year.”

“Are you going?”

“Of course I’m going. It’s my brother’s wedding!” he uttered, as if attending an ex’s wedding was the most natural thing in the world.

“I’m just asking because you didn’t take their engagement too well. Who knows how you’ll react to them actually taking their vows.”

“Dean, I said I’m fine with it,” Cas replied in annoyance.

“Sorry…I’m just worried about you, okay.”

“I appreciate that, Dean.” His tone was gentle.

They were silent for a while until Dean cautiously said, “I missed you.”

Cas didn’t reply and instead looked down, avoiding Dean’s eyes. “Cas?” Dean asked, careful, fearing he could snap or just leave and never talk to him again.

“I just want my friend back,” Cas said eventually, looking back up with blurred eyes.

“Cas,” Dean said and rushed forward to take Cas into his arms. “I’ll always be your friend.” It was true. No matter what might happen between them, their friendship was most important to Dean, even if that meant he could never have more. This was clear now; they were friends and Dean would gladly take that. Just being friends with Cas was better than no Cas at all.

“Let’s never fight again,” Cas snuffled into Dean’s shoulder.

“You’re crying,” said Dean who was sobbing as well and Cas huffed a shaky laugh at that. “Ah, that’s enough now,” he said, letting go of Cas and wiping away his tears. “Let’s just be happy again. Tell me about your Christmas break,” Dean said and urged Cas to sit with him. They talked for two hours straight and soon it was almost like nothing had ever happened. And, Dean guessed, officially that was it: nothing ever happened. End of story. They only had had to overcome a phase were both of them were acting stupid and didn’t talk to one another—something every friendship had to undergo sooner or later.

Obviously, Dean couldn’t just fall out of love overnight. He was going to need time to get over his feelings for Cas. Time and something to distract him. And what could be a better distraction than having drinks at a bar now that he was allowed to do that. Therefore he, Ash and Benny went to a place not far away from campus that was mostly frequented by other students. They were all having beers, though Dean was sneaking up looks at the selection of cocktails on the chalkboard menu above the counter. When they had been there for almost an hour, Dean saw a guy getting exactly one of those. He appeared to be there alone and turned on his barstool to let his eyes wander over the other people around until he met Dean’s. Dean was too embarrassed to have been caught staring to look away fast enough but then the guy winked at him. Dean looked behind his shoulder to make sure it was really him the guy meant. He pointed a finger at himself and mouthed ‘me?’ and received a nod.

“Hey guys, excuse me,” he said quickly and carried his beer over to the bar. “Mind if I sit here?” he asked and the guy signaled him to take a seat. “Nice drink you have there,” Dean started casually.

“Oh, it’s great,” the guy said. “I’ll buy you one if you want?”

“Yeah, thanks, I’d like that,—”

“Aaron,” he provided.

“Thanks, Aaron. I’m Dean.”

“Any preference on your drink?” Aaron asked

“I’ll have what you’re having,” Dean replied and Aaron snorted a brief laugh.

After he’d ordered the cocktail, Aaron resumed, “So, Dean, you’re also studying at Duke?”

And then they talked for a while, sipping their colorful drinks and another and somehow they ended up kissing in a bathroom stall. Aaron was hot and exactly the distraction Dean had had in mind, so he swiftly worked the guy’s fly open and went down on his knees.

“Fuck, Dean,” Aaron cried out when Dean’s lips closed around his cock. Dean had never done this before but apparently Aaron didn’t notice and gently, but with determination to keep Dean where he was, carded a hand through his hair. He was grateful Aaron warned him in time before he came and didn’t make him swallow as he wasn’t so sure he would have made it without choking.

“You want my number?” Aaron asked, still a little breathless, when Dean buckled his jeans back up.

“Sure,” Dean answered before pressing his lips on Aaron’s once more.

They started dating after that night and Dean got a lot more practice on the matter of giving a blowjob. He even got to fuck Aaron a couple of times.

One lazy afternoon they were naked in Aaron’s bed, Dean on top of him, making out. Both were already hard and slowly rocking their groins together. Aaron’s hands were on Dean’s ass, kneading, which lead Dean to moan loudly into his mouth. Aaron made him withdraw slightly so that he could look him in the eye. One hand was moving up the length of his body, briefly stroking at the back of his neck, then along his cheek until the tip of Aaron’s index finger was touching his lips, circling his mouth like one does with chapstick. Aaron kept looking at him with intent which caused Dean to eventually snap the finger into his mouth and he began to suck at it like he had just done with Aaron’s dick a few minutes earlier. Aaron gaped at the sight and Dean drew at the finger with all of the force his mouth had to offer. Then Aaron pulled out his sufficiently wetted forefinger and began to tease with it at Dean’s rim. “Relax, Dean,” he whispered gently, carding his other hand through Dean’s hair.

Dean was resting his head on Aaron’s chest as the other worked on gradually getting a finger inside him. Eventually it was all the way in and found Dean’s prostate. Dean noticed this with a gasp and started thrusting against Aaron again while he kept paying attention to stimulating Dean otherwise.

Soon he was breathing rapidly, humping against Aaron without restraint and Aaron was back at kissing him as good as possible considering that Dean had a hard time concentrating on anything above the waistline.

“Shit, I’m—” Dean exhaled and experienced a kind of orgasm he hadn’t known before.

Aaron moved his own hips up a few times more until he came too and then carefully pulled out his finger. “So, can I fuck you next time?” he asked.

“Definitely,” Dean replied, still trying to catch his breath.

 

The sun had decided to turn up again after hiding behind a thick layer of clouds for weeks. Those bright March days lured out all the students that had been keeping to their warm but also dark rooms for much too long. Dean and Aaron were sitting on a bench, both with their sunglasses on, enjoying the relaxation early spring brought. At his back, where the sun couldn’t reach, Aaron’s body provided Dean with warmth as well. Both had a short break between two courses and tried to make the most of it.

“Do you have time for me before I’m going home for the weekend,” Aaron asked.

“Sure, I’m coming over to your dorm later,” Dean said. He had a hard time not falling asleep in this position, his legs on the bench, Aaron as his backrest.

“No, my roommate has friends there. What about your room?”

Dean bit the insides of his cheeks. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

“Why not? We hardly ever meet at your place.”

“Yeah, but… I don’t feel too comfortable with Cas being in the room right next to us.” And that wasn’t even a lie.

“Your roommate has to be out at least every now and then. And it’s not as if you’re sharing a bedroom.”

Dean knew what Aaron was saying was absolutely true. Cas was out quite a lot since he’d joined his Bible club. And they had their own rooms, even though the wall in between was everything but soundproof. That’s what Dean told Aaron now.

“The guy can wear headphones and turn up the music, for god’s sake! And it’s not like we can’t keep it down a little.”

“Still, I’d rather have him far away when we’re doing it.” Dean was running out of excuses.

“Is he homophobic or what?”

“No…he’s just…” He was looking for a good explanation. “He’s kinda weirded out by sex in general.”

“So he’s a just a prude?”

Dean felt awful for what he was going to say next. “Yeah, something like that.” He was an asshole, but he couldn’t just tell his boyfriend that it was primarily he who didn’t want Cas to be confronted with his sex life. He wanted to keep those two as far apart as possible.

“When does he have class then? I’m sure not every time you have too, right?”

Actually, Cas would be having a seminar today when Dean’s lecture had already ended. He considered telling Aaron. But they would have to make it quick; there was only a thirty minutes time slot. Dean took a deep breath. “Okay. You can come over later at three. He won’t be home then for at least half an hour.”

“Great. I’ll bring the lube,” Aaron said and gave him a kiss before they had to go to their respective classes.

Aaron was right. He had only been to Dean’s room a couple of times and nothing more than a single blowjob had happened there so far. Before certain things had (not) occurred, Dean would have just asked Cas to give him some privacy, like he had done when he had been with Jamie. Cas knew that he was dating Aaron now and they had been introduced to each other and he was probably aware that he and Aaron were fucking but Dean didn’t dare discussing his love life with Cas. That had become somewhat of a taboo. Cas had stopped asking for advice regarding that topic and Dean didn’t mention what he was doing with Aaron.

The first time Aaron had met Cas had been awkward. It hadn’t even been planned. Aaron had come to pick up Dean for their date and Cas had answered the door. Dean had been acting so weird that Aaron now thought he didn’t particularly like Cas. He had no idea Dean and Cas were actually best friends. Aaron thought Charlie was Dean’s best friend—which wasn’t wrong. But Dean hadn’t clarified the misinterpretation either. Anyhow, since he and Aaron had gotten together, he and Cas didn’t spend that much time together anymore. During their free time Dean was mostly with Aaron and Cas was doing church stuff. Dean didn’t even know what exactly that was. And he had never met any of Cas’s new friends. Maybe they had actually stopped being best friends and Dean wasn’t lying so much to Aaron after all. Well, not so much lying but avoiding certain truths.

The sex with Aaron was great and he really liked the guy but he also missed Cas. Which was actually stupid given that they lived together and saw each other every day…

Aaron should have come here ten minutes ago. Cas’s seminar would be over in twenty minutes and they would have thirty minutes at the most if he’d get right back afterwards.

“You’re late,” Dean said with slight annoyance when Aaron finally arrived.

“Get naked then,” Aaron told him as he pulled out a bottle of lube from his bag.

“I’m not sure we have enough time to fuck,” Dean replied.

“I’ll have you screaming in less than ten minutes. Now lose the clothes, Dean,” Aaron said and Dean sighed as he started to take off his shirt. Further discussion was pointless.

When Dean had undressed, he got onto the bed and positioned himself on elbows and knees. Aaron was also ready and settled behind him and made a quick job of slicking up his hole, before rolling on a condom and pushing inside Dean in one swift move.

“Now hurry,” Dean ordered and Aaron obliged willingly.

Aaron hadn’t been exaggerating. Dean was groaning loudly in no time as Aaron kept drilling against his prostate and Dean couldn’t help but wrap a hand around his dick and jerk himself off. “Fuuuck,” Dean cried out as he came and Aaron finished soon after him.

“Told you you wouldn’t take long,” he said after throwing away the condom and pulling his jeans back on.

Dean needed some extra time to come down and was still naked when Aaron was already fully dressed again.

“Hey, stay in here until I’ve put some pants on,” Dean told him when Aaron opened the door and walked out into the common living area.

“Relax, he isn’t here yet,” Aaron said and that was the exact moment Cas chose to come back.

Cas was startled when he saw Aaron, his eyes immediately wandering over to Dean’s room and their eyes met through the open doorway, Dean still completely bare. As soon as Cas noticed Dean’s current state of undress, his glance rushed back to Aaron. “Shit,” Dean muttered under his breath before hurriedly putting on some boxer shorts and a T-shirt.

Aaron studied Cas amusedly while the whole situation obviously made Cas really uncomfortable but certainly not as much as Dean.

When Dean was decent he got up from the bed and ran over to where Aaron was standing with Cas. “Hey,” he said a little out of breath.

“Hello,” Cas replied.

“Hi,” Aaron contributed.

“Uh,” Dean continued.

“I should go now; still need to pack,” Aaron said.

“Yeah, good. Bye,” Dean said, pushing him towards the door to finally get him out of here.

“I’ll call you when I’m home,” Aaron told him and grabbed him by the back of his head, pulling him in for a kiss. Dean tried to kiss back for a second before shoving Aaron out the door. _Well, that wasn’t awkward at all._

 

Cas flinched and quickly looked away when Aaron kissed Dean right in front of him. He didn’t need to see that. He noticed that Dean was reluctant and wanted to spare Cas the sight and he assumed Aaron had done it on purpose. Cas had the impression Dean’s boyfriend didn’t like him, though he didn’t actually know why. When they first met, Cas had been polite—a little taken aback, too, but still polite—and he had also never said anything to Dean about him, like a snarky remark on Aaron’s beard or anything. No, his behavior had always been civil when it came to Aaron.

Had maybe Dean told him something? He couldn’t imagine Dean lying about him but there had to be a reason why Aaron obviously enjoyed making fun of him. However, it wouldn’t have been the first time that someone disliked Cas for nothing. He knew he was odd and that he had difficulties socializing with certain kinds of people.

Whatever. Why did he even care? He barely saw Aaron and he wasn’t particularly keen on increasing the interaction with him. As long as he treated Dean like he deserved, everything was fine. Dean’s well-being was most important here.

“Sorry for that,” Dean apologized.

“Sorry for what? He’s your boyfriend. It’s obvious that he wants to pay you a visit from time to time,” Cas said.

“Yeah, but… I know you don’t like it when I bring someone over. I wanted him to be gone before you returned.”

“I know you’re together. You don’t have to hide him from me.”

“I’m not hiding him. His room is just more—it’s more comfortable there.”

“I understand,” Cas said. He really needed to make sure Dean was happy. Dean was his friend and he cared for him, even if they didn’t seem to talk much anymore. “Is he treating you well?”

Dean appeared to be surprised by the question. “He is, yes. He’s a great guy.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Dean.”

“Why are you asking?”

“I just want the best for you, Dean. You deserve someone who genuinely adores you and who will always be there for you when you need them. Not someone who is dependent on you and only sticks around because they want to use you.” _I’m learning to cope without your help._

“That’s really kind of you, Cas. Thank you.” Dean’s smile didn’t really reach his eyes. Cas felt awful because of that. Every word had been the truth. He only wished for Dean to be happy.

 

Dean and Charlie were watching _Lord of the Rings_ for the first time this year. Charlie had Dorothy and Dean had Aaron and they mostly met as a group, so they didn’t have much time alone with each other.

“There’s one thing I wanted to ask you,” she said. “Why does Aaron think you and Cas aren’t friends?”

“What do you mean?” He knew exactly what she was referring to but acted clueless anyway.

“I mean the way he talks about him and how he talks about the two of you. He always calls Cas ‘your roommate,’ like he doesn’t even wanna remember his name.”

“Aaron knows Cas’s name,” Dean reassured.

“Yes, but he avoids saying it. And when he asked about our plans for spring break this year, his ideas didn’t even include Cas. Like it was obvious he won’t be there with us.”

“Cas is going on a trip with his church friends this year,” Dean pointed out. “So of course he won’t be coming with us.”

“Oh,” Charlie said, clearly disappointed. “I didn’t know that.”

“And wouldn’t it be weird for him to spend his week off with two couples?”

“Who said it only had to be the four of us plus Cas? We could ask Benny and Ash and—”

“You think Cas would like to share a room with Benny?”

Charlie sighed in annoyance. “What I’m saying is, is that I don’t wanna make Cas feel left out.”

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t. Don’t worry.”

“Is it because you have feelings for Cas?” Dean cringed. “I never really understood how you could just move on to Aaron. I know the way you were pining for Cas wasn’t healthy and you had to get over him eventually but I didn’t get how that happened so quickly.”

“Charlie—”

“I mean one moment you’re in love with Cas, the next you’re banging Aaron. And no-one ever told me what happened before Christmas. I know there was something, you can’t lie to me. Did you confess your love or what?”

Charlie’s eyes grew huge when Dean hesitated to respond. “Oh my god, you actually told him, didn’t you?”

Dean wildly shook his head. “What? No! I just realized I wouldn’t get anywhere with Cas and I didn’t know how to move on while still being friends with him. That’s why we didn’t talk for a while.” Wow, that actually sounded convincing. He hated lying to Charlie but he couldn’t tell her about the night that never happened either. That wouldn’t be fair to Cas who certainly didn’t want anyone to know.

“Oh, okay. Now this makes sense,” she said.

“Everything’s fine now. Cas and I are still friends and I have a great boyfriend.”

“Good. Then, I guess, it’s alright if it’s just Dorothy, Aaron, you and I during spring break.”

Dean hoped this subject was finally done, once and for all. Dean and Cas were totally platonic friends and that was it. Dean was with Aaron and Cas was with the church. There was nothing more to add to that.

And so the two couples rented a house close to the beach again, like in their freshman year, and another year passed where Cas didn’t see it, despite Dean’s promise. He had probably forgotten about it anyway.

 

When Rachel had asked Cas if he wanted to join her and the others on their spring break trip to Virginia, he had hesitated. He had been pretty sure Dean had already made plans with Aaron and they wouldn’t invite him, given that Aaron didn’t like him and Cas wouldn’t have felt comfortable sharing a place with the two lovebirds anyway. He shivered every time his mind drifted off, wondering what they might be doing with each other.

Of course he was aware _what_ they were doing—he wasn’t stupid. But when he had seen Dean back then, sitting on his bed, without his clothes on, Aaron buckling up his belt as he walked out of Dean’s room…the sight of it had hurt somehow. He lacked a better word to explain the feeling. Maybe he was being unfair. Honestly, he didn’t like Aaron that much either. Anyhow, his opinion didn’t count here. Only Dean’s.

He missed Dean sometimes. Okay, quite often. They were nice to each other and they could still talk, but they seldom hugged now and Dean didn’t touch him as much as he used to. A hand on Cas’s back or his shoulder, small gestures like that. Gestures of affection.

It was his own fault, though. He had made it clear he didn’t want that. Well, not _all_ of that Dean was willing to give, but Cas could allow himself at least a tiny bit. He didn’t want Aaron to share, no; yet Dean’s attention was certainly enough to include Cas, too. Just a little.

He had intended to ask Dean what he had planned for spring break but was too afraid to ask, wherefore, the next day he had told Rachel he would accompany them to Virginia.

And the trip was fun, really. The weather was perfect, the people were great, the beach was nice. Still, it wasn’t the beach Dean had sent him that picture from. He would probably never see it with his own eyes.

During the trip, Cas had gotten to know many of his fellow Catholic students better, one of which was Zeke. They had been friends before but they had become much closer. Zeke had never been to his room before, so Cas invited him over. He felt guilty for not consulting Dean in advance but it had been a spontaneous invitation.

As they entered the living room, Dean was lying on the couch, Aaron on top of him between his legs and they were kissing lazily.

“Oh,” Dean gasped when he noticed they weren’t alone anymore and gently pushed Aaron back.

“Dean, I didn’t know you were here,” Cas said. “Uh, Dean, this is Zeke. Zeke, those are Dean and Aaron.”

“Hey, Zeke,” Dean said but Zeke didn’t respond. He looked strangely displeased upon their unexpected company.

“Cas,” he started, “you never told me about this!”

“About what?”

“That you had to live with someone like…him,” he answered and dramatically pointed a finger at Dean.

Cas had no idea how to reply. “What’s your problem, man?” Dean asked instead, anger swinging slightly with his tone.

“It’s awful that you have to deal with this all on your own. Why didn’t you tell me? Do they do this all the time?”

Cas was still perplexed. “Do what? Kissing you mean?”

“That’s disgusting,” Zeke spluttered. “ _You_ are disgusting,” he directed at Dean and Aaron.

“I guess we have a homophobe here,” Dean said with a smirk.

“Zeke?” Cas asked. Was it really like Dean assumed?

“Cas, you should stay far away from them,” Zeke said.

“Stay away… He’s my roommate!”

“Anyway, better be careful. They might try to drag you into this…cesspool of vice.”

Dean snorted a sarcastic laugh at that.

“You two are going to Hell and where you’re paying for your sinful lifestyle choices,” Zeke continued.

“Well, as long as I won’t meet you there—” Dean retorted.

“Stop it!” Cas intervened. “Zeke, do you really think that being gay, or bi in Dean’s case, is wrong?”

“Cas, how can you even doubt that?” Zeke asked.

“Why would I denounce people for who they are? Dean didn’t choose to be the way he is,” Cas replied.

“But they can very well choose if they want to act on it or not,” Zeke remarked, shooting a glare at Dean.

“If they want to be together, then they should be. They aren’t hurting anyone with it.”

“I really thought we were on the same page, Cas. It’s really unfortunate we clearly aren’t. You might want to talk to Father Theodore about this.”

“I don’t think Father Theodore would agree with you.”

“You shouldn’t come to dinner tomorrow unless you’ve changed your mind,” Zeke told him earnestly.

“You say that as if you were in charge of anything. We should talk to Rachel and the others and see if you really have as many people on your back as you think.”

“We might as well do that.”

“Great,” Cas said, determinedly crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“See you then,” Zeke said and left the room.

Cas needed to take a deep breath after that.

“Cas, are you alright?” Dean asked, clapping a hand on his shoulder.

“Yes, I’m… Well, actually I’m not surprised. There have always been people like Zeke in my church. I just wasn’t aware he happens to be one of those.”

“Still, thanks for defending me…us,” Dean told him.

“Yeah, man, that was really cool,” Aaron joined in. “I’m sorry, Cas. I might have had the wrong impression of you, but you’re apparently not that bad.”

“Thanks?” Cas’s replied with slight bewilderment in his voice.

“I mean, I probably wouldn’t have done that for anyone. That Zeke-guy’s really tall. I’m impressed that you stood up like that for your roommate and his boyfriend.”

“Dean’s my best friend. Of course I would do that,” Cas said. Why would Aaron think he wouldn’t have Dean’s back? Then he noticed the strange look Aaron gave Dean.

“Your—?” he started.

Dean’s face was flushed. “Yes, since freshman year,” he confirmed.

“Dean?” Aaron had become quite serious.

“Can we talk in my room?” Dean asked and Aaron went ahead. “Excuse us,” he told Cas and followed his boyfriend. Despite the door being closed, Cas could still hear them talk.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I thought Charlie was your best friend?”

“Well, she is. And Cas is too. You two kinda started off on the wrong foot and the longer I didn’t make things clear, the weirder it got and I didn’t wanna upset you.”

“You thought I’d break up with you because I didn’t like your room—friend. That’s ridiculous!”

“No. I don’t know how that happened. I’m sorry, really.”

Cas felt bad for listening in but even if he went to his own room, he would still hear them and he didn’t want to go anywhere else. If Aaron was actually going to break up with Dean over this, he would need Cas to comfort him afterwards.

“Aaron?” He hadn’t spoken in a while. “Aaron, do you forgive me?”

“Were you together, you and Cas?”

“What?” Dean’s voice had reached a hysterical pitch.

“Is that why you never want me to come here? Because Cas is your ex you’re afraid he might be jealous.”

“That’s just hilarious, really,” Dean replied and Cas had to swallow heavily. “No, we’re just friends. Always have been, Aaron, I swear. There’s nothing you have to worry about.”

“You sure? Honestly, I don’t like the way he’s looking at you sometimes.”

“Yes, I can absolutely assure you that Cas and I are friends, nothing more.”

“Okay,” Aaron sighed and the talking stopped. Cas wasn’t sure what was going on now until he heard someone knock against what was probably a bedpost and whispering and then Dean called, “Cas, you still out there?”

Cas gasped, somehow terrified that Dean would find out he had been listening the whole time. Instead of answering he quickly turned on his heel and rushed out into the hallway. He really didn’t need to stay for their make-up sex or whatever they had in mind.

During dinner the next day, Zeke rushed to address the topic first thing after dessert. Cas was glad he had waited until after everyone had eaten, as their food would have probably gotten cold if they had discussed this beforehand.

As it turned out, Castiel’s church friends were deeply divided on the matter of everything that was not good old heterosexuality. Cas tried his best to settle the conflict but, as he had expected, those who didn’t share his views were obstinate and rather stuck to what had already been preached centuries ago. Therefore it was silently agreed on never bringing up the subject again—at least not before another generation of students would have taken over. Avoidance was easier than ignorance, so it seemed.

The people, however, who were on Cas’s side and willing to listen and even wanted to learn more, asked him to introduce them to his friends who had initiated this slight inconvenience within their group. So it came that Cas arranged a meeting with Dean and Charlie. The latter, unsurprisingly, had much more to say on that topic as she was really wrapped up in it most of the time. Dean apparently didn’t feel too comfortable, probably suspecting some of the present crowd was judging him for who he was, although that thought was irrational, considering they were there because of their unprejudicedness.

Charlie later told them that a girl had come up to her afterwards, telling her how she had always felt close to her best friend, another girl. Some day she grasped that she might be in love with her but couldn’t fully understand her feelings because this was never supposed to happen. The plan had been for her to find a man, get married, have babies with him. How could that plan ever be accomplished if she swapped the guy for a girl? Caught in the tight corset of rules she had been raised with this was just impossible. But it didn’t have to be—Charlie made her realize that.

Cas could relate to that girl. What else could be his life’s purpose if he didn’t marry and have children? In high school it had seemed like he was already halfway there. He had found a girl who he would be his wife one day and they would have kids—just like his parents had done it and his grandparents.  Now this girl was going to be his brother’s wife and her kids were going to be Castiel’s nephews and nieces. An alternative spouse wasn’t even on the radar yet. Cas was still young, he knew that. Reasonably thinking, he didn’t have to worry about dying alone, but it was possible he wouldn’t even have a good career to be working on in the meantime. He would have nothing to offer to a future family. Cas was convinced he needed to sort out this aspect of his life before he could even consider anything else.

What also tied him to the girl’s story was the relationship with his best friend, but that was also were his differed from hers: he obviously wasn’t in love with Dean. How could he be? He loved Dean but as a friend. Cas was relieved that Dean had found another partner and didn’t cling to his hope that he and Cas could ever be a thing after what he blamed on alcohol-induced curiosity. Cas had never been like that—like Dean. He had been drunk and confused and that was it. He came to the conclusion that he didn’t have much in common with the girl from Charlie’s story after all.

Anyway, Cas was glad his mediation had helped someone. He liked how that felt. For once he hadn’t been the one who had been in need of guidance but the person who provided it. Or, well, at least paved the way for it. He should look into finding a way to do that more often.

When summer came, Cas finally had the opportunity to do exactly that. He worked on setting up different counseling events and gave Father Jim a hand with spiritual welfare groups.

Though, before he could fully get into his newly found vocation, he had to witness his brother getting married to his ex-girlfriend. It felt like a relief, actually. He was happy for them and really enjoyed Father Jim’s beautiful service. Meg looked breathtaking in her white lace gown and Cas realized that he couldn’t imagine himself at her side anymore. She and Michael were exactly right, he knew that now. Cas was officially 100% over everything regarding Meg. He had finally concluded this part of his life and was ready to move on.

There might even be a hint of an idea already where he was going, but he would need time to really embrace that tiny spark and let it sprout.


	8. The End is only a new Beginning

Dean had invited Aaron to come visit him in Lawrence during the summer. He had prepared his father in advance for his son bringing home a boyfriend for the first time. As expected, John Winchester wasn’t particularly happy about that but did his best to pull himself together for Dean’s sake. He didn’t want to repeat what had happened with Castiel the year before.

The summer break hadn’t been easy for Dean, as Aaron didn’t exactly live around the corner but he found diversion in fixing up cars in Bobby’s shop. Luckily, he was about to have his boyfriend all for himself for a few days, without the disturbance of his parents and brother as they had scheduled a trip to California. Sam wanted to check out Stanford where he planned to apply, and Mary thought it would be a good idea to combine the excursion with a small family reunion at her cousin’s who lived near San Francisco.

John behaved nicely towards Aaron, though Dean knew exactly he wasn’t sincere. He was grateful anyway that he didn’t make another boy cry—not that Aaron was as sensitive as Cas; he didn’t need to worry about his boyfriend. If his father had affronted him, Aaron wouldn’t have taken it to heart like Cas had. They were just so different, which was probably why Dean had taken an interest in Aaron in the first place: because he was nothing like Cas.

When they finally had the house for themselves, Dean showed Aaron how much he had missed him. He showed him with his hands, with his mouth, with his cock. He caught himself thinking that his father would be furious if he knew what his son was doing right now…which was actually a redundant thought as John was certainly very aware of this. A tiny part of his brain called him out on the likelihood that he hadn’t so much asked Aaron to come to Lawrence so that he could spend time with his boyfriend, but rather as an opportunity to annoy his homophobic dad. But that part was clearly stupid and should better shut up. Because Dean had missed his boyfriend who he…was very fond of. Okay, to be honest, he had also missed a cock in his ass. Aaron’s cock, just to be clear.

The summer before their final year in college was over much too soon and again Dean found himself at Duke in the room he was about to share with Cas for one last time. A lot of changes were awaiting them in the not so distant future and Dean didn’t know how close the first of those was for him.

“Aaron broke up with me!” he whined when had found Cas sitting on their couch.

“Oh, Dean, I’m sorry,” Cas said.

“I can’t believe it. I thought everything was fine and then all of a sudden he proclaims it’s over.” Dean sat down next to Cas, hiding his face behind his hands.

“Did he say why?” Cas asked as he placed a comforting hand on his friend’s back.

“He said we were going to break up anyway after graduation and why waste our time during a year that’s gonna be very busy for both of us. I told him we hadn’t even talked about what should happen after we’ve graduated. I said we could move in together or anything if that’s what he wanted.”

“Would this be something you’d want?”

“Yeah…well, I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought this far ahead. But I mean, why not?”

“Where would you live? In Kansas, or somewhere else?”

“I don’t know, Cas,” Dean sighed. “Okay, maybe we wouldn’t even live in the same state in the beginning, but we could have tried long-distance.” Cas rolled his eyes at him. “Yeah, I know, but that this didn’t work out for you, doesn’t necessarily mean it wouldn’t have worked for Aaron and I.”

“Maybe you should figure out first what you are going to do with your life after college before you make any plans on moving in with someone,” Cas suggested.

“You’re right, I know that. This whole thing still sucks. I mean, we could’ve made the most of the time we had left.”

“That’s true. But at least your graduation won’t be overshadowed by heartbreak and you can have a fresh start without constraints.”

Cas was totally right with everything he’d said. And it actually was time to start considering his next step.

Dean met with Benny, Charlie and Dorothy at his favorite bar to exchange thoughts on what they were planning to do after college. Maybe they had some advice for him, too. Cas, of course, didn’t join them. He had stuck to his promise not to drink again and despite Dean telling him he wouldn’t have had to order alcohol, he preferred to stay behind in their dorm room. He was probably also still unsure about what he should do after their graduation and, as Dean reckoned, rather avoided considering any possibilities as long as possible. Dean would certainly have to give him another pep talk soon before Cas started panicking about his future again.

“Honestly, I have no idea,” Benny said and sipped at his beer. “But I won’t hurry to make any decisions. A year is a long time and I’m sure I’ll figure something out until then.”

“It’s eight months, actually,” Dorothy pointed out.

“Yeah, whatever,” Benny replied stoically. Dean wished he could be as calm as Benny was.

“What about you two?” Dean asked the girls.

“Well, we’re gonna look for an apartment,” Charlie said. “We don’t know where exactly. Maybe somewhere in Kansas. We’ve also considered Kansas City. Depends on where I get a job.”

“Yeah, I’ll go wherever she’ll take me. I can be a writer anywhere, working odd jobs to support our finances,” Dorothy stated.

“The only steady thing so far is my girl, though,” Charlie said while looking at her with heart-eyes.

“Ditto,” Dorothy agreed and kissed her.

“Ew, leave us alone with your cheesiness,” Dean told them, pulling a face before adding, “Yet, Kansas City is actually a good idea. It’s not too far from home but not as small as Lawrence. I mean, I can still move farther away later, but KC is a good place to begin with. And if you’ll be there too that’d be great.”

“What about California? Isn’t your brother going there?” Benny asked.

“Not for sure…yet. I bet he will, but anyway, I don’t think he’d like his big brother around all the time when he’s busy studying and charming pretty college girls. And I’d like to stay closer to my parents in the beginning.”

“What about Cas?” Charlie asked.

“I don’t think he even has a clue yet,” Dean said.

“No, I mean, did you consider having him as a roommate afterwards?”

“No…” Was she hinting at something or what? “Why would I do that?”

“Because he’s your best friend and I’m sure he needs stability in his life.”

“I don’t think he’d want that.”

“Would you?”

Would he? They were friends, yes, but things had become really awkward between them during the previous year. Dean couldn’t promise he wouldn’t try again to get somewhere with Cas now that his relationship with Aaron had come to an end and Cas clearly didn’t want to be with him that way. Continuing to live with him would only be frustrating. “I’ll think about it,” he said eventually.

And he did. He spent two weeks weighing the pros and cons of having Cas as a roommate after college and came to the conclusion that they hadn’t really talked after Dean had become single again. He had replayed the time Cas had defended him against Zeke in his head over and over since it had occurred. Maybe Cas had changed his mind but didn’t tell him about his feelings because Dean was with Aaron. But now he wasn’t anymore. He wasn’t even so sure if he was still in love with Cas. Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he was again. Maybe he had never stopped. All those possibilities made his head spin. If he really was in love with Cas, he ought to figure it out soon—before the year was over and they graduated without having set things straight and Dean would lose him for good because Cas thought Dean had lost interest in him.

“Charlie, please tell me what to do!” he begged. “I don’t know whether to ask Cas about the roommate thing or not. I’m confused because I may still be having feelings for him and I don’t think I could platonically live with Cas while being in love with him.”

“Boy, you got over Aaron pretty quick,” she said.

“Aaron was great, but he was never Cas, okay? Don’t judge me.”

“I’m not judging you, Dean. But I think you really should come clear with Cas. As you said, living with him as friends when you want more would only be torture. Come to terms with your feelings and tell Cas what you want.”

“He won’t be friends with me anymore if I tell him that I’m in love with him. I can’t lose him. I don’t want him to shut me out over this. I mean, it’s not unlikely that I meet someone else and my feelings for Cas are forgotten, but I’d still like him to be my friend in this scenario.”

“How am I supposed to tell you what to do if you don’t even know the slightest thing about what you actually want?”

“Sorry I’m such a mess,” Dean apologized. “Maybe I’ll only stick my toe in the water first and check if he’ll even be available as a roommate before I rush into anything. Just checking the temperature; I still have time to choose if I should dare a cannonball.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s best for now,” Charlie agreed.

It still took him a few days to bring up to the courage for toe-dipping. He hadn’t laid out a plan on how to approach this and decided to improvise.

“Hey,” he said as casual as he could when he sat next to Cas on the couch.

“Hey,” Cas echoed and looked up from his book.

“So,” Dean started. “I know you don’t like to talk about this, but I’ve been wondering if you got any plans for after graduation. I mean like living arrangements for example, you know.”

“I think I’ll move back in with my parents for a while,” Cas said.

“Yes, yes. I thought I’d do that too. But, I was thinking long-term, you know. Maybe live alone, or get a roommate, ‘cause that’s cheaper and probably easier and—”

“Dean,” Cas interrupted him. “I need to tell you something.”

“Yeah?”

“I know I should have told you sooner but I wasn’t exactly sure how to start this conversation, but I think now is the best time.”

“Okay?”

Cas took a deep breath, clearly to calm himself. Why would he need to be calm? What was he about to say? What—

“I want to become a priest.”

Dean’s jaw dropped, leaving his mouth open in utter perplexion.

“A priest?” he gasped.

“Yes.”

“A Catholic priest?”

“Yes.”

“You mean like flowing cloth, collar, celibacy, the whole deal?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve been looking for a purpose for so long and now I’ve finally found it. I genuinely want this. I’ve come to realize that I’m not destined to find a girl and get married. I will never have this but that’s okay. I’ve been focusing solely on my romantic life for so long that I’ve been missing what God had intended for me. I firmly believe I’ll be able to help people, to guide them, even if this means I have to fully hand myself over to Him and accept relinquishment.”

Dean didn’t respond. Was this even real?

“You’re the first person outside my family, and besides Father Jim of course, that I’ve told about this. So, what do you say?”

Dean blinked a few times before he replied. “No.”

“No?”

“Yes, exactly: no.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means no, you’re not doing that.”

“Yes, I am doing that,” Cas insisted.

“Have you even thought about that?”

“Yes, I have. All summer long and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the right thing for me to do and that it undoubtedly is what I want.”

“You can’t become a priest, Cas.”

“Why not?”

Dean was gesticulating wildly with his arms as he spoke. “Because, uh, that’s just crazy! Who even wants to be a priest nowadays?”

“I want,” Cas said matter-of-factly.

“No, you don’t!” Cas raised a questioning eyebrow. “You’re feeling lost because you don’t know what else you’re supposed to do with your life and you think no-one will ever want to be with you, but that’s not true.”

“That’s really not how it is. I know there are people to whom I mean a lot but this is not about them—it’s about me. I made this choice and I was confident those people would accept it without questioning me.”

“But I have questions…so many questions, Cas. You can never be with someone, romantically or intimately, you can’t decide about your own life, you’ll never have a family of your own. Being a priest means having a lot of restrictions.”

“I know very well what it means and sacrifice is a big part of priesthood. Not many people are strong enough for that but I certainly am. I’m not a weak person.”

“Nobody ever said that.”

“But you’ve thought it.” Cas was gritting his teeth as his eyes were slowly filling with tears.

“That’s not true, Cas,” Dean said and shook his head. “You wanna know what I’m actually thinking? That you hate me enough that you think you have to do this.” Dean had a big lump in his throat and the thought of Cas doing this to him, of choosing this of all the possible ways to repel him, hurt so fucking much.

“Dean, I don’t hate you. How can you even say that? I love you, you know that.”

“You wouldn’t do this if you really loved me.” Dean’s tears were the first to drop; Cas’s were still quivering at the border of his eyelid.

“Stop making this all about yourself!” Cas snapped and Dean was startled by the sudden change of his tone. “This has absolutely nothing to do with you. I need to do this for myself and if you can’t accept that, we’re done.”

“Fine,” Dean replied, trying to sound as resolute as Cas, and rose from the couch. “You can do whatever the fuck you want.”

“I know I can.”

“Great,” Dean concluded and slammed the door shut after he had stormed outside into the hallway. His whole world was collapsing around him, making him feel dizzy. He hurried to get to Charlie so that she could reassure him that Cas was a selfish son of a bitch and had never deserved him anyway.

 

Cas was really disappointed in Dean. He had expected him to take the news differently. Like an adult, not like the whiney little brat that he appeared to be. This really wasn’t a good start. He had thought his friend would be supportive as always but that had obviously been too much to ask for this time. Dean should be relieved Cas wasn’t continuing to be a burden to him. He had finally found a mission for his life where he could, for once, look after someone else. He would have God and the church to take care of him in exchange.

It really bothered him how selfish Dean was. Like his decision had anything to do with him. How could one person be so self-absorbed that he revolved this solely around himself? Cas didn’t need Dean’s permission to become a priest. Only God’s. And a bishop’s perhaps.

Cas felt awful. Who was he kidding? He desperately needed Dean to be on board with this.

His phone rang. “Charlie?”

She told him to better come over to her room where Dean was currently sulking.

“Did he tell you?” Cas asked when he got there.

“Yes, and it was wrong,” she said insistently, glaring behind her back at Dean. “You should have been able to tell me yourself,” she told Cas.

“It’s okay. I’m glad the cat’s out.”

“Dean, is there something you want to tell Cas?”

“No,” Dean replied without looking up from where was curled up on her couch, clutching a pillow in front of his chest.

“ _Dean,”_ Charlie chided.

“Leave him alone for a minute,” Cas said instead. “I wanna hear your opinion.”

“Well, uh, not gonna lie, I was really surprised. I wouldn’t have expected this at all. But I’m glad you’ve found a goal to chase, Cas. I’m really happy for you and you can count on my support. I’m sure you’ve thought this through well enough and didn’t take this lightly.”

“Thank you, Charlie,” Cas said and hugged her. “I just wish Dean would also see it this way.”

He looked over to his friend who was still avoiding his gaze. “Dean,” he said as he strode forward. “Please look at me,” he pleaded and carefully reached out a hand for Dean’s arm. There was a slight jerk in response to the touch. “Dean, I am going to do this, whether you agree or not. But I’d much rather stay friends with you.”

“We won’t be friends anymore when you become a priest. Not you and I, not you and Charlie. You will leave everyone from your old life behind.”

“No, Dean, I definitely won’t. Priests can have friends too, you know,” he said calmly.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Dean, tell him what you meant to ask him,” Charlie said.

Cas frowned. “What did you want to ask me?”

Dean hesitated before he answered. “I wanted to know if you’d like to be my roommate after college. I don’t know where exactly we’d live, but I just wanted to know if you were even available for the idea. But that doesn’t matter now anyway.”

“Oh Dean, I’m sorry. I didn’t assume—”

“Like I said, it doesn’t matter. You’re becoming a priest and will live with other priests, I guess. How does this even work?”

“Yeah, tell us, Cas. How does one become a priest?” Charlie asked and joined them on the sofa.

“Well, first of all, I’ll have to attend a seminary, where I’ll be living, and continue studying for a few more years to earn my Master of Divinity. I’ll learn everything I need to know about theology, how to do counseling and how to perform a sermon. As you know, there are certain rules to be followed and as a priest you need to be well versed in liturgical conduct.”

“I guess it’s advantageous that you’ll have already experience in ministerial assistance,” Charlie said.

“Yes, it is. It’s also good that I’ve been very involved with the church all my life. I’ll benefit from that when I apply to the seminary of my choice,” Cas said.

“Where is that?” Dean asked.

“In Indiana, about three hours from home. Father Jim went there, too. He’ll write me a letter of recommendation and I think I’m having a good chance of getting in with the support of one of their alumni.”

“That’s great, Cas,” Charlie concurred.

“Will you be allowed to go somewhere…let’s say, for example, Kansas?” Dean interrogated.

Cas gave him a gentle smile. “I’ll be pretty much wrapped up and I’ll have to learn not to get distracted by friends of family, but we’ll think of something.”

Dean sighed weakly. “I’m sure seminarians are allowed to use phones and social media. I won’t just disappear from the face of the earth,” Cas reassured him.

“What happens after the seminary?” Dean asked then.

“Well, if the bishop thinks I’m ready, I’ll take my orders and then I’ll get assigned to a place to minister at.”

“And where will that be?”

“I don’t know yet, Dean. But I think I’ll try to stay in Indiana.”

“Are you allowed a social life while you’re at the seminary?”

“I won’t be allowed to date if that’s what you’re asking. The whole point of this is learning to stay abstinent and focus on my tasks.”

“And how long does this all take?”

“I’ll be studying for four to five more years and I can’t say how long it’ll take for me to become ordained. Not that long, hopefully.”

“So, in, let’s say five to six years it’ll be over. You can’t go back after that,” Dean said, more to himself than to the other people in the room.

“That’s why this process is taking so long. You need to be really sure. Five years is a long time to think,” Cas explained.

“What if you wake up one day at the seminary and realize this whole idea was a mistake? Can you just quit?”

“Well, should I come to the conclusion that being a priest is not what I want after all, then yes, I could quit. But I sincerely hope that won’t happen.”

“You’re gonna be a great priest,” Charlie said, squeezing Cas’s shoulder.

“Thanks, Charlie. I appreciate that.” Then he turned his attention towards Dean. “What about you, Dean? Was I able to convince you?”

Dean absently bit his fingernails as he considered his reply. “I’ll be honest with you,” he said and straightened up, “I’m not exactly thrilled about the idea. I’m gonna need time to adjust but you can count on my support anyway, Cas, ‘cause you’re my friend and that’s what friends are for.”

Cas’s face brightened up. “I’m glad to hear you say that. I know it’ll be hard but we’re getting through this. And we still have most of our senior year left before anything of that happens.”

“Yeah, we’ll make the most of it,” Dean agreed and Charlie crushed them together in a group hug.

 

Cas had begun to work as an altar server during Father Theodore’s services, too. The priest had been really helpful since he had learned that Cas wanted to join the clergy and taught him things that would be useful during his time at the seminary. He had also agreed to advocate and pull some strings for Cas which was somehow surprising, considering that he had been the one to hear his confession after the night of the party. Cas hadn’t exactly used the words ‘and then we got each other off’ but the priest certainly understood what they had engaged in. It bugged him, so he decided to confront Father Theodore about this.

“You did confess and repent, the Lord has forgiven you your sins,” he said simply.

“But Father, won’t that be a problem when I enter the seminary, or at the very least when I’m about to become ordained?” Cas asked.

“Homosexual attraction isn’t officially a sin, only homosexual acts are, but I know you and your friends have already discussed this. Anyway, this will have happened long ago when the time comes for you to take the cloth. As long as you stay chaste now, I can assure you, Castiel, this won’t be a problem.”

“Really? Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am. Don’t worry about it.”

Cas had actually been really anxious that the incident could have gotten in his way. It’s not that he blamed Dean for anything—absolutely not. All had been his own fault. His friend hadn’t seduced him or forced himself onto him. Cas had started it and only he could be made responsible for drinking in the first place. Sure, there had been peer pressure but he wouldn’t have had to give in. Anyhow, now that this issue was finally off the table, he could continue to prepare himself for the seminary, by studying harder than ever before and also mentally and spiritually.

Despite being busy with so many things—school, church, writing a terrific motivational letter for the seminary—he tried to find as much spare time for his friends as possible, especially for Dean who he knew was still very upset over his choice to become a priest. Yet, Dean did the best he could to encourage him and Cas was grateful for that.

“Will we be going to the beach during spring break this year?” Cas asked one day when they were marathoning _Star Wars_ (without Charlie, so don’t tell her!).

“You still want that?” Dean asked. “I thought you’d already forgotten.”

“Of course I still want to see it, Dean. And this time it’s our last chance.”

Dean’s facial expression saddened a little. “Yeah,” he said somewhat absent-mindedly.

“Dean, we will always be friends. Even if I can’t leave my parish whenever I want, this doesn’t mean you can’t come to visit me. And also when I’m at the seminary you can come to Indiana,” Cas tried to lift his mood.

“I know, Cas. Still, this won’t change the fact that I’m gonna miss you so fucking much.”

“I’ll miss you, too. Now stop being so negative and let’s relish the few months of college we have left.”

“Yes, sir,” Dean said mockingly and saluted at Cas who replied with a roll of his eyes.

 

“I’m so sorry, Dean.”

“It’s okay, Cas, I understand this is a singular opportunity for you.” It was, Dean knew that, though this didn’t lessen his disappointment. Cas had gotten the chance to take a look at the seminary with Father Jim who could arrange to leave his parish for two days. Unfortunately, those happened to overlap with the time Cas had planned to spend at the beach house with Dean, Charlie and Dorothy. He also couldn’t have reduced his stay there as he had to fly home one day before he and the priest were going to head for the seminary and the earliest available flight was two days after he would have returned to Indianapolis, so spring break was basically going to be over when Cas got back to Duke.

“Of course I’ll give you the money if you decide to cancel. You probably won’t get a refund so late,” Cas said.

“No, it’s alright. I’ll ask Benny if he wants to come with us.”

“Again, I’m sorry. We’ll go another time. I will find a way, Dean,” Cas assured him.

“Yeah, we’ll think of something,” Dean replied without believing his own words. “Have a save trip and ask the seminarians if they like to watch sci-fi movies. I don’t want you to get bored after you’ve become one of them”

Cas smiled gently at him. “I will do that. Enjoy the beach and send me a picture,” Cas said before he hopped onto the bus that would take him to the airport. He had declined Dean’s offer to drive him, arguing that he had already caused him enough trouble with calling off the beach vacation.

There he was now, watching the busses rear lights as the vehicle disappeared behind a building. This had been their last chance and they had missed it.

Benny ended up acting as Cas’s substitute but Dean didn’t take a picture this year. It was mostly rainy, there was an hour-long power failure one evening due to a thunderstorm and the group had to stay in the house most of time, but even now Dean would have preferred Cas to be there with them. Cas, though, sent him a few images from what was called Saint Meinrad Archabbey and a selfie of him and Father Jim. Cas and the priest seemed to have better luck with the weather as there was sun and blue sky in every photo that had been taken outdoors.

Cas was very enthusiastic to tell Dean everything he had learned during his visit to the seminary and stories Father Jim had remembered when he came back to this place that had once been his home. Sure, Dean was glad his friend was so cheerful about the experience, but he still couldn’t imagine him actually going there and eventually becoming a priest. He wanted Cas to succeed, of course, yet the prospect left a better taste in his mouth and a heavy feeling weighing in his gut. A part of him was still hoping that Cas would change his mind.

Though, when graduation day came, he certainly hadn’t. Dean’s parents and his brother had come to attend the commencement ceremony. They had arrived the night before, Sam moaning about how awful it was to be stuck in car with mom and dad for fifteen hours. “At least I was allowed to drive for three hours,” he said. “And tomorrow we have to go the entire way back again.”

“You’ll live,” Dean told him.

“Yeah, probably. But the car will be pretty packed with all your stuff. I have long legs, I need my space.”

“You’re only taking some of my stuff with you, not all of it. I will have to fit Cas’s things too in my car, remember.”

“How is the priest-to-be? Will we see him?” Sam asked.

“Don’t remind me of that. You’ll see him at dinner. Didn’t mom tell you we’re going to eat with his family? I don’t think you’ll see him earlier, though. There’ll be hundreds of people everywhere and his diploma ceremony is at a later time than mine and Charlie’s.”

Yet, somehow the Winchesters and the Novaks managed to get together to take photos with Dean and Cas in their gowns and caps and later at dinner Sam kept whining about how exhausting the day had been for him. “When it’s time for your own graduation ceremony, I’ll also be bitching the whole time, Sammy,” Dean said in a failing attempt to shut him up.

“We’re so proud of you, Dean,” Mary said. “And you too, Cas. You two looked so good in your outfits.” Although their parents had met for the first time that day, they got along pretty well. Even John was nice, which wasn’t actually surprising as Cas’s parents were as conservative as he was. They showed each other the photos they had taken with their phones and promised to e-mail the ones that flattered Dean and Cas the most to each other. Dean found the conversation about their grade of handsomeness in those pictures slightly embarrassing.

The complimenting and smartphone slide show was followed by comparing the ceremonies of Duke and Notre Dame and Sam’s contribution of describing the pictures he had seen of this the event at Stanford. He hadn’t even had his first day at the university yet and was already wasting thoughts on his graduation.

Cas’s mother told Dean how much she admired her son’s decision to become a priest, though his father didn’t seem to be so keen on the idea. Dean didn’t add anything more to the discussion. Cas was aware of his opinion and that it hadn’t altered since he had broken the news to him.

Dean’s family left early the next morning while the Novaks stayed at little longer as their flight home was scheduled for the late afternoon. In the evening Dean, Cas, Charlie, Dorothy, Benny and Ash had a small get together, celebrating their freedom and welcoming all the new possibilities that were awaiting them. Dean found himself getting very nostalgic when he said goodbye to the girls, but he managed not to actually cry. “You’ll live only thirty minutes from me,” Charlie reminded him.

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “It’s just…those four years were the best of my life and you were there from the very beginning and now this time has come to an end.”

“I see it more as another beginning than the end,” she said.

“You’re right, as always,” he said before hugging her one last time. He really needed to go to bed now as he needed to get up soon again and have to deal with Palpatine…also for the last time.

They left at eight in the morning, Cas continuing to sleep in the car for the next two hours. When he was fully awake, he persuaded Dean to let him drive for some time. He would have to do all the driving from Indianapolis onwards anyway.

They didn’t talk much over the music. It felt like there was nothing more to say between them. College was over, the future was set—for Cas at least and for their relationship with each other.

They entered Indianapolis sooner than Dean would have liked. When they reached Cas’s neighborhood, Dean’s hands began to tremble. He didn’t want it to end. There had to be a way, he told himself, but the only thing he could think of was finally telling Cas that he was in love with him and this just wouldn’t be fair. Cas would only shut him out completely—forever this time. Cas had a dream and Dean was above ruining it for him by bringing his true feelings into the game.

“Dean,” Cas said all of a sudden. “We’re here.”

He was right. Dean couldn’t even remember pulling up at the curbside in front of the Novaks’ house.

“Yes,” Dean replied absently and got out of the car. They made a quick job of carrying Castiel’s belongings up to the front porch until there was only Dean’s stuff left in the trunk.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said as they were standing by the car, ready to say goodbye. “I mean, not only for giving me a lift. For everything. I’m so glad to have you as a friend.”

Dean’s sight was already blurred by tears. “Just…get here,” he said and enveloped Cas with his arms. A shaky inhale gave away that he had begun to cry.

“Dean, it’s okay,” Cas comforted him softly, framing his friend’s face with his hands. Dean mirrored the motion and knocked their foreheads together.

“You’re my best friend, Cas. I love you,” he whispered with his eyes closed. He couldn’t stand to look at him.

“I love you too, Dean,” Cas said and hugged him tightly.

They stood like this for a while until Dean decided he had calmed enough to let go and leave. “Bye,” he said and got behind the wheel.

The tears returned after he’d made it past not more than two blocks but he willed them back. He needed to get home first, before surrendering to his sorrow and letting the ache of his heart take over him.

He was probably speeding most of the time but was lucky enough not to get caught and arrived in Lawrence almost two hours earlier than usual.

Without wasting a thought to bringing his things inside, he rushed into the house. Everyone was already asleep, his mother in the living room apparently wanting to hear it when he came home but Dean didn’t try to wake her up. He was so fucking exhausted—more from fighting back the urge to sob than the long journey—that he just fell onto his bed, fully clothed. He was even too tired to cry right now.

When we stirred awake at 11 a.m., the realization that Cas was now lost to him hit Dean with all its force and he finally gave in.

Sam knocked at his door at noon and Dean just told him to go away which he thankfully did. Cas had texted him, asking if he had gotten home safely and Dean replied that he was alright.

Mary came looking for him when she got back from work in the afternoon and found Dean still curled up on his bed. He wasn’t crying anymore as he had no more tears left, but his pillow was soaked wet with those that had been shed.

“Dean, honey, what is it,” she asked in concern.

“Nothing,” he replied.

“This clearly isn’t nothing,” she said. “Tell me, please. I’m worried about you.”

He sniffed a few times to bring up the courage to tell his mother the truth. “I’m…I don’t want Cas to become a priest, mom. I’m in love with him and I want to be with him.”

“Oh, Dean,” she sighed and stroked a hand through his hair. “Does he know?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe, I guess. But he doesn’t love me back. To him I’m only a friend.”

“It’ll be alright, dear. You just need time to get over him. You’ll find someone else.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” he replied grumpily.

“I know, Dean. I’m sorry I can’t help you with this.”

“Thanks anyway, mom. I’m glad to be home again,” he said and wrapped his arms around his mother.

He spent the next day in bed as well and cried some more but he decided sulking wouldn’t help. Cas and he talked often on the phone or via Skype during the course of the following weeks. When the time came for Cas to enroll at the seminary, the frequency of their conversations decreased remarkably. They had promised each other to stay friends despite all the odds and not to let Cas’s career choice get in the way too much. However, of course, things turned out differently. The intervals between their calls and texts became longer and longer until they had reached a state where they nothing more but co-existed on Facebook, both hardly ever updating their profile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it doesn't look like it right now, but everything will be fine in the end, I promise.


	9. Kiss the Bride(s)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter ahead...

Smooth hands wrapped around his waist as Dean was putting his cup in the sink after finishing his third coffee. He turned around and brought their lips together.

“You have coffee breath,” Cassie whispered against his mouth.

“I promise I’ll brush my teeth before the wedding,” he said.

“Aw, I hate that I have to work today. I really love my job but on days like these I despise everything.”

“I know, babe,” Dean sighed and nuzzled at the chocolate brown skin of her neck.

“Please apologize to the girls for me again,” Cassie said. “Tell them how much I’d have liked to be there and how sad I am to miss it.”

“Yeah, of course,” he said, nosing at her dark locks and inhaling the spicy scent of her perfume.

“Okay,” she said and gently pushed him back against the kitchen counter. “I have to go. Have fun tonight and don’t worry too much about your speech. You can do it!”

“Mhm…thanks, babe. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Bye,” she said and pressed a quick kiss on his lips, before picking up her phone and disappearing through the front door of his house.

His home was small; two bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms, only a small yard on the backside, but he loved it nevertheless. He was fortunate enough to be able to afford a house of his own, despite his young age. His engineering job was well-paid and he enjoyed his work. Though he had been single back then, he’d decided the time had come to buy a home. Whatever partner might come could move in at some point if they wanted, or they could eventually look for another, more spacious house.

Dean had bought the house a little more than a year ago, only a few weeks before he’d met Cassie. They had talked about moving in together on one occasion but agreed it was still too early. This had been a few months ago and Dean wondered when the subject would come up again. His father kept asking this question every time they talked. John loved Cassie and was already hearing the wedding bells ringing, though, so Dean thought, they were far away from wanting to get married. They hadn’t actually talked about this yet but Dean guessed it would be for the best to try out living together first.

He went upstairs to take a shower and brush his teeth, then he checked again if he had everything ready he needed for the wedding: smoking, shirt, tie, dress shoes—polished shiny as they should be—, speech and items he needed for an overnight stay. The wedding location was only thirty-five minutes from his house but Charlie had insisted he’d stay at the hotel. It was also easier to spend one night there than having to get back home in the middle of the night with the high probability of being intoxicated and not fit to drive.

He was a little early but one never knew what might be coming up—especially when it was Charlie Bradbury’s wedding. Sure, the timeline had been laid out to perfection in advance, but during the time Dean had spent assisting the planning process he had realized that nothing was ever certain with his best friend in charge.

The caffeine of three large cups of coffee was making him a bit shaky, but he had a long day ahead that required him to be on full alert. At least until after the ceremony.

He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks as he was about to climb into his car. _The rings!_ Dean rushed back into the house and found the small velvety casket where he had placed it on the dinner table the night before in order to not forget it. He picked it up and put it next to him on the passenger seat when he had gotten into the car. _Disaster averted._

Dean was ten minutes into his drive when his brother called.

“Heya, Sammy,” he said after putting him on speaker.

“It’s Sam. Are you driving?” he asked.

“Yep. I’m on my way to the wedding,” Dean told him.

“Please give Charlie and Dorothy all my best wishes,” Sam said.

“I sure will.”

“How’s the speech going? Have you finished it already?”

“Of course I have,” Dean huffed. He’d had real trouble with writing it but now he was mostly satisfied with his wording. He had also tried to memorize it, though he was certain he’d black out in front of all those people and had decided to talk as freely as possible but with his notes always ready in his hands.

“Are you feeling weird about attending the wedding alone?” Sam asked then.

“No, not really. I mean I’d love to have Cassie there and be able to dance with her tonight but it is as it as. I think I know enough people there to have myself entertained. Also, I’ll be wrapped up in best man duties anyway.”

“Ha, remember when dad thought you and Charlie would get married one day,” Sam said and laughed.

“Yeah, well, he was not wrong about me standing in the front during the ceremony,” Dean replied, amusedly thinking back to the day Charlie had met his parents for the first time.

“Anyway, I have to go now. I’m having brunch with Jess,” Sam said. “Have a nice wedding!” They said goodbye and hung up.

After Dean had arrived at the hotel and parked his baby, he carried his baggage up to the front desk and told the receptionist his name.

“You’re the best man?” she asked.

“Yes, that’s me,” Dean confirmed.

“We have all the flower corsages here in the backroom. You can pick up yours here when you’re ready,” the woman informed him.

“Thank you,” Dean said.

“Here is your key card. Your room is on the fourth floor. Also, the bride wants you to know she is awaiting you in her dressing room as soon as you’re settled.”

Any further explanation on which bride she was referring to wasn’t necessary. Dean knew exactly who wanted to see him. The question only was: what had come up now?

Dean rode the elevator up to his floor and quickly dropped off his things before going back down again.

Charlie was in the middle of getting her hair styled into delicate waves when Dean arrived at her dressing room. A garment bag was hanging from the hook on the door but Dean knew exactly what was inside. His best friend had chosen a chiffon gown with ¾ length lace sleeves in misty rose. He also knew that Dorothy was going to wear a champagne column dress. Not that he cared about using the right expressions for these particular shades or cuts, but it had gotten stuck in his head after hearing it so many times. Thanks to his friends, Dean knew everything he had never wanted to know about wedding dress shapes and necklines and fabrics. Also, he had learned to tell the difference between stark white and ivory, though in the end, if he were honest, it all just happened to be white to him. Not that Charlie had ever cared for buying a white dress but apparently a bride-to-be needed to know these kinds of things. He still chuckled upon hearing the name ‘sweetheart neckline’—not that Charlie would have had one of those either. Yet, Dorothy, in fact, did but this was still a secret and Dean was not free to tell his best friend. They were pretty strict about the rule that one bride wasn’t allowed to see the other bride’s dress before the wedding. Despite Charlie being so much against doing things conventionally, the whole event was going to be quite traditional after all.

During the months he had come to fulfil his duties as best man and apparently as a bridesmaid too, Dean had read enough bridal magazines for a lifetime. He would definitely never go through choosing wedding gowns again. Not that this was a groom’s job anyway. So if and when he was going to get married, the only outfit he was going to care about would be his own. He probably wouldn’t get out of making decisions about the menu but the decoration would also have to be some else’s problem. Regardless of being already sick of flower arrangements and place cards, he could only admire the great work Charlie and Dorothy had done there.

Charlie had told him, while browsing magazines for inspirational purposes, that she had always wanted a fall wedding and her fiancée was also very enthusiastic about the suggestion.

“Where is my flower crown?” Charlie asked.

“The florist delivered it to the front desk,” Dean said. “Do you want me to get it for you?”

“No, you have to do me another favor,” she replied.

“Everything for the bride.”

“You have to pick up someone from the airport,” she said.

“Can’t they take a taxi?”

“I’ve promised to send him somebody.”

“Charlie, who are we talking about?”

“Could you leave us alone for a moment, please?” Charlie asked her hair stylist.

When they were on their own, she sighed before resuming, “It’s Cas.”

“What? You didn’t tell me Cas was coming to the wedding.” Dean didn’t like this at all.

“He wasn’t sure if he could make it but he called me this morning that he managed to get a last minute flight.”

“Can’t somebody else get him?”

“I won’t need your help until the ceremony and I thought it’d be nice if it was someone he knew.”

“We haven’t talked in years, Charlie, and you’re pretty well aware of that. It will be so awkward,” Dean whined.

“Dean, please, I’m the bride,” she said and pouted.

“Not the only one today,” he grumbled. Then he sighed, “Fine. I’ll do it. You owe me, Bradbury!”

“I know. Now hurry, Winchester. I’m getting married in a few hours.”

So Dean rushed to get to MCI. Charlie had texted him Cas’s flight information and as it turned out he was to be expected any minute when Dean finally arrived at the airport. It probably was for the best that Dean had so little time to think about what Cas coming here meant to him. Dean had always been aware that Charlie and Cas had stayed in touch all this time but he’d had no idea that Cas had even been invited to the wedding.

More than six years had passed since they had last seen each other in person and over five years since the last time they had spoken. And then Dean saw him.

Cas looked around after entering the arrival hall, seemingly a little lost, but then he spotted Dean and their eyes met. He was in full clerical get-up—black shirt, jacket and pants, plus the collar. Dean had a hard time keeping the pace of his breathing steady. He had never seen Cas like this and up until now hadn’t been able to actually imagine Cas in that kind of outfit either. Despite the shock, Dean noted that Cas looked good. Black suited him and he was in good shape, as far as Dean could tell with all that fabric covering him. He had a nice haircut—only slightly differing from the one he used to wear—and his eyes were as blue as Dean had remembered. Those were currently staring at him with intent.

“Hello, Dean,” he said.

“Uh, hey,” Dean replied and nervously chewed his lip. “What do I call you? Father? Your Grace?”

“Cas is fine,” Dean was told. “I’m spending the weekend as a civilian. I didn’t plan on boarding the plane like this but I didn’t have time to change beforehand.”

“Alright. So, I guess we better get going. Wouldn’t want to miss the wedding. To be honest, I was very surprised you’d even attend.”

“Of course I wouldn’t miss my best friend’s wedding!” he said and the words hurt Dean somewhere deep inside. There used to be a time when he was Cas’s best friend, too. “Though, it was a little tricky to get the time off but I managed and now I’m here.”

“I can see that,” Dean replied due to the lack of a better response. “Let’s go,” he said, turned on his heel and started to walk without making sure Cas was still behind him.

“You still have the same car,” Cas noticed when they had reached the Impala in the parking lot.

“Wouldn’t trade her for anything,” Dean replied.

He stowed Cas’s garment bag, that was presumably holding another suit, and his small suitcase in the trunk of his baby and drove her back inside Kansas City.

“How are you, Dean?” Cas asked after a while which annoyed Dean who didn’t really feel like making small talk. Or talking to Cas at all.

“I’m fine,” he answered briefly and Cas took note of it with a slight nod.

This had apparently gotten the message across as Cas didn’t further try to start a conversation. Dean sent out a quick text to Charlie that he had returned with the surprise guest and she told him to bring Cas to her.

“Charlie, you look beautiful!” Cas said as he walked right into her welcoming embrace.

“You had your chance, mister. I’m already promised to someone else,” she retorted jokingly. “Though I appreciate the compliment, save it for later when I’m wearing my dress.” She took a step back and beamed at him with warmth in her eyes. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he said.

Dean just stood there, witnessing how familiar they were acting around each other. Like friends. Not as stiffly as he had been with Cas. “Dean, would you be so nice and escort Cas to the front desk and have him checked in. You should also head upstairs to change. And I should get dressed, too. We’ll see each other later at the far end of the aisle,” Charlie said and shooed the men out of her dressing room.

Dean asked the receptionist to hand him the dahlia he was going to wear on his lapel and then waited for Cas to receive his key card before getting onto the elevator with him. As it turned out, Cas’s room was on the same floor as his. _Definitely not a coincidence._

“Well, see you later, I guess,” Dean said dumbly when they parted and had to take a few deep breaths leaning against the door as soon as he was safely in his hotel room. However, he had to deal with this situation later. Now his sole focus was supposed to lie on Charlie and Dorothy getting married.

 

For a couple of times Dean’s eyes drifted off to where Cas was sitting as he stood there, waiting for the brides to arrive. He discreetly examined the way the different outfit suited him. Cas was wearing a charcoal suit and a bright blue shirt, casually without a tie. He was probably sick already of the collar he had to wear day in, day out and was taking the liberty of spending a day without the tightness around his neck. Cas didn’t seem to notice the best man’s eyes on him but Dean realized it was time when Cas turned in his seat to look behind to the entrance. Dean hadn’t even registered the music already playing. The brides entered the ballroom together, walking down the aisle hand in hand—one of the few things Charlie wasn’t willing to leave to tradition. Both looked radiant in their gowns, smiling from ear to ear and Dean knew for sure now he wouldn’t make it through the ceremony without crying. Everything that followed passed in a blur. Between being moved to tears and the irking feeling of Cas’s presence, he almost missed his cue to hand over the rings. But only almost, so no-one should have noticed that his mind had been wandering off.

“You both look breathtaking,” Cas told the brides later at the reception. “I really enjoyed the ceremony and your vows actually made me cry he little,” he said and huffed a laugh to downplay what he’d just said.

“Thank you, Cas. We’re so glad you came,” Dorothy said and Cas kissed her and Charlie on their cheeks. Charlie leaned closer to Dean while they talked, whispering, “Be nice to him. He doesn’t know anyone here.”

“Understood,” Dean said but avoided him nevertheless.

Yet, he found himself next to Cas again a few minutes later at the bar where drinks where ready for the guests to take. “What, aren’t you allowed to get at least one drink?” Dean asked Cas who was picking a glass filled with orange juice.

“I don’t drink, remember,” Cas replied.

“Right…cheers,” he said, briefly lifting his champagne and downing half of it in one draw. “What about wine? Don’t you drink wine during Mass. The whole ‘the blood of Christ’ deal, I mean.”

“That’s only a sip,” Cas explained.

“Got it, Padre,” Dean replied.

“Dean, why are you like this? Did I do something?”

“No, not at all. You did absolutely nothing,” Dean said, emptied his glass and blended into the crowd.

Luckily, Cas was seated at the other end of the room—far away from Dean, so he could avoid him for the next few hours. He was only able to see his hair from time to time when Dorothy’s cousin would lean closer to his wife. Not that he tried to catch a glance at all. That dark brown head of hair just happened to be in his line of sight every once in a while. And he definitely did not wish for Cousin Ray to whisper into his wife’s ear more often.

Dean decided the time for his speech had come, so he stood up from his chair and knocked his dessertspoon against his flute of champagne a couple of times until the room had sufficiently quietened.

He fished his notes out of his breast pocket, took a sip of water and cleared his throat before he began.

“Hi, so, as most of you might know, I’m Dean, the best man. I promise, I’m gonna try to keep this short as you probably all want to get this party started,” he said and huffed a short laugh before continuing, “Charlie has been my best friend for more than ten years, since I met her on the first day of college. She said that herself, after only five minutes of talking to me, that I’m her best friend now. We’ve had an incredible time during those four years, but I realized very soon that I had made a friend for life. I really assure y’all, and especially you, Dorothy, that the whole in good times and in bad times isn’t just a saying. She’s always been there for her friends when they needed her and she will be there for you, her wife, too, no matter what.

But before we come to the really touching part of my speech, it’s my duty as best man to tell you, her friends and family, those who haven’t been lucky enough to hear this story yet, about the time before she met Dorothy—Charlie’s first crush, specifically. Her name is Gadget and she’s actually a cartoon mouse. Gadget’s go-to outfit is a lavender jumpsuit and goggles, though that’s actually no surprise, considering that she’s not only a mouse, but also an inventor and a pilot. She’s a real genius, like our Charlie here, and I guess this great little rodent has made a big impact on her. Who knows if she’d ever chosen to become an engineer had her first crush been, let’s say, Miss Piggy. She might be a singer now and everyone who’s ever had karaoke night with Charlie should be thankful this hasn’t become her dream job.” Gladly, most of the guests were laughing and Charlie did her best to glare at him, yet couldn’t help but burst into laughter herself. “Trust me, she knows what she wants and would do anything to get it, so be grateful for Gadget.

Anyway, enough of the joking. I had been fortunate enough to witness the very beginning of Charlie and Dorothy’s relationship and it was very clear from early on that the two of you were meant to be. Honestly, I’ve always admired what you are having with each other and I’d be a very lucky man to get where you are today with someone. Charlie, Dorothy, I love you guys so much. Thank you for allowing me to be here with you on this special day! To the brides,” he said, holding his glass up in the air. Both brides rose from their seats and hugged him and when his eyes skimmed over the crowd he noticed with satisfaction that his words had actually moved some people to tears. Finally, he could tick off this part of the evening.

After the first dance and the second, where the newly-weds had danced with their dads, it was Dean’s turn to hit the dance floor with his best friend. Dorothy had apparently chosen Cas as her partner for this song.

“How are you feeling about Cas being here?” Charlie asked.

“Why’re you asking? You invited him, it’s your wedding…he’s here and that’s alright,” Dean said.

“Please, you’re constantly moving us so you can sneak a peek at him.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s called dancing.”

“There, you didn’t even look at me when you said that.”

“I’m not watching out for, Cas, okay?”

“Come on, Dean. Be honest with me. I know it’s hard for you having him here after all this time.”

“You mean after he ditched us to become a priest. I mean, what is he even doing here? He’s a Catholic priest and those guys don’t even endorse same-sex marriage. Why would you have someone at your wedding who represents an institution that’s against who you are and who you love?”

“Dean, you know Cas isn’t like that,” Charlie tried to belittle.

“Then why did he become a fucking priest?” The song had apparently come to an end because Dorothy and Cas where standing behind them, expecting to switch partners.

“Dean,” Cas said but he grabbed Dorothy by her waist and lead them away from the others.

“I thought you had gotten over him,” she said.

“What?”

“Charlie told me that you used to have feelings for Cas.”

“When—”

“Please don’t be mad at her. She told me a few months ago when we were finishing the guest list. She was torn whether to invite Cas or not and I didn’t get why this would be a problem.”

“I’m sorry for over-reacting. It’s just…it kinda hurts to see him again after such a long time.”

“I get that. Will you be okay for tonight?” she asked.

“Yeah, I will. Don’t worry about me. It’s your day and you should be happy and not have to deal with my emotional baggage.”

They danced till the song was over and Dean excused himself from the dance floor. He had been so sure he’d left all this behind him but apparently he was wrong, considering his outburst from earlier. His life was good as it was now, though he couldn’t hold back the occasional thought concerning Cas. And his former best friend being here right now had ripped off the band-aid from his wound way too soon and caused it to bleed again.

Dean had been lost in thought for a while, sitting at his table on his own and toying with the tumbler of whiskey in his hand. He was startled by a familiar voice asking, “Mind if I sit?”

He looked up at Cas with his mouth stupidly hanging open.

“Please, Dean. Can we talk?”

Dean gasped several times until he managed a reply. “Uh, yeah, sit,” he said and gestured towards the chair to his left.

“You know, when I received the wedding invitation, I was about to decline,” Cas started. “I mean, my job doesn’t really allow me to just head off and go to a party. Let alone one that doesn’t involve my actual family. I informed Charlie about my concerns and that I probably wouldn’t be able to make it anyway. In my position I have to be on call pretty much 24/7. She then confided that she’d had second thoughts about including me on the guest list because of you.”

For the first time since Cas had taken a seat next to him, Dean looked at him directly.

“She wasn’t really sure whether you’d approve of having me at her wedding but I told her it was her and Dorothy’s decision only. Honestly, I was relieved she decided to have me here after all, despite not knowing yet if I could even come. But I wanted to see my friends tie the knot and celebrate with them on this important occasion. And, regarding your comment from earlier, though I’m not here in any official function, I think a man of the church showing his support of their bonding is delivering a positive message.”

Dean swallowed heavily. He had done Cas wrong despite knowing better.

“I also wanted to see you again, Dean,” he resumed and Dean hitched a silent breath. “When we parted that day, in front of my parents’ house, I didn’t think we wouldn’t see each other again for six years. I misjudged how things would go with the seminary and I’m sorry for that. There were times when I really missed my best friend.”

“I thought Charlie’s your best friend,” Dean huffed.

“I hoped you’d still be my friend, too,” Cas said.

“Cas, listen. We haven’t talked in ages and you’re a priest now. Our friendship expired a long time ago.” Man, he really hadn’t meant for this to sound so mean. Cas looked really sad now and it made him feel like shit. “I’m sorry, I—”

“No, Dean,” he interrupted. “I get it. But, just to get this clear, I’m not an actual priest yet. No-one’s supposed to call me ‘Father.’”

“What are you saying? I remember your outfit from earlier today very vividly.”

“I’m a deacon,” Cas said. “A transitional deacon to be precise.”

“Huh?”

“There are three Holy Orders. The Presbyterate is the second step, first comes the Diaconate.”

“Then why were you wearing the collar when you’re not even a real clergyman yet. Are you still, like, a student?”

“I am a member of the clergy, Dean. I’m somewhere in between right now, you know. I became ordained a deacon nine months ago and now I’m waiting to be approved for priesthood.”

“Oh,” Dean said. For the brief moment of this slight misunderstanding he’d thought Cas still hadn’t gone to the point of no return. But why would Dean even care? Cas had gotten out of reach a long time ago. Not that Dean would still want to have him anyway.

“So, tell me something about you,” Cas said.

“Like what? You want me to talk about my job? I don’t think that’d be interesting for you to hear. I’m an engineer. I plan stuff and it gets built.”

“No, I mean, for example, are you with someone at the moment?” Was Cas seriously asking if he was single?

“Why are you asking?” he inquired carefully.

“Well, as far as I can tell, you’re here on your own tonight,” Cas remarked.

“Oh, yeah… I, uh, have a girlfriend. She has this big important project going on at work and unfortunately she couldn’t get the weekend off. That’s why she isn’t here with me.”

“I see,” Cas said. “Tell me about her. How long have you been together?”

“Her name’s Cassie,” Dean replied and he could see the slight twitch in Cas’s face when he said the name. It was the same involuntary reaction Dean had had upon hearing her name for the first time. He still didn’t like to call her that and mostly went for ‘babe’ instead. “We’ve started dating a little over a year ago.”

“That’s nice to hear,” Cas said with a small grin like he actually meant what he said. He probably did—why wouldn’t he? It’s not like Dean would have expected him to be jealous or anything. He had never reciprocated his feelings after all…let alone this mess having stopped being relevant six years ago, almost like all of it had happened in another lifetime.

Time for a change of subjects. “I know Charlie is really happy you came today,” Dean said.

“I’m glad I could make it. It’s such a beautiful wedding. And your speech was really heart-warming,” Cas told him with a gentle smile.

“Oh...thanks. I actually wasn’t sure about the jokes, I mean I didn’t want it to get all sentimental but I couldn’t come up with a better—” He was silenced with Cas’s warm hand on his arm.

“Your speech was perfect.”

The unforeseen touch had made him tingly and slightly confused as it seemed, because the next thing Dean said was, “You look good.”

“I mean, like, priest…or deacon life is treating you well.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said and Dean didn’t know if he had been hallucinating that brief little raise of an eyebrow.

“And I think that smoking suits you quite well,” he added.

Dean gasped for air. Did Cas really just compliment him on his appearance? Was he even allowed to do this? “I was also very delighted by the brides’ wedding gowns; beautiful choices. They are so different, yet they fit together perfectly.” Okay, maybe Dean had been reading too much into this. “You can see how much they love each other,” Cas said and looked over to the dance floor were the music had drastically changed and the actual party had started. Dorothy and Charlie were obviously having a good time but Dean wasn’t in the mood for joining them.

“Wanna go over there?” Cas asked.

“I don’t know…it would be rude to leave you here alone,” Dean said.

“Who said I’ll stay here? Come on, Dean. There’s a party going on,” Cas told him and got up. Dean looked at him in bewilderment. Was this really the guy he’d had to basically force onto the dance floor all those years ago? “Dean? Are you coming or not?” And he did. Cas had managed to evoke a huge smile on his face and for the duration of a couple of songs it felt like nothing had ever changed.

Cas was dancing with Charlie’s grandmother for the duration of a few tracks while she kept telling him what a pity it was that he wasn’t available for anyone due to his job. He kept casting strange looks at Dean over the small woman’s head until Dean relieved him from dancing with the old lady. When he danced with her for one song, he graciously overlooked that her hands had slid down onto his butt a couple of times.

“What a nice lady,” Cas said ironically after Dean had freed himself from her grabby hands and joined him at the bar. A shiver ran through his body when he looked behind his shoulder to the dance floor where Mrs Bradbury had already found her next victim.

Cas had a glass of sparkling water with lemon and Dean drank another whiskey.

“I should call it a night,” Cas said eventually when both of them had finished their drinks. He was right. It had gotten late and quite a number of guests had already left. Dorothy and Charlie were in their own world, dancing slowly while holding each other tightly.

“Yeah, I’ll go with you. I guess we shouldn’t disturb them,” he said with a nod towards the brides.

“I already spoke to them earlier in case something like this happened,” Cas said.

“Alright. Let’s head upstairs then.”

The hallways were quiet and Dean realized how tired he was when they had gotten onto the elevator. They didn’t speak until they had reached Cas’s room and time had come to say goodnight.

“I had a wonderful evening,” Cas said. “Thank you for keeping me company.”

“My pleasure, Cas. It was nice to see you again.”

Dean was longing for his bed but he also didn’t want this night to end yet. Cas didn’t move to open his door either. They kept staring at each other for what couldn’t have been more than a few seconds but felt like forever. Dean recalled the moment from before when Cas had touched his arm and was suddenly craving for more. Just one more touch. His lips felt dry and rough from the exhaustion and the alcohol rushing through his veins, so he licked them, without taking his eyes off Cas.

“I really need to go to bed now,” Cas said, somewhat abruptly, breaking the peacefulness of the nightly quiet around them.

“Of course. Goodnight, Cas.”

“Have a good night as well, Dean,” Cas told him, unlocked the door and disappeared behind it.

Dean went to the end of the hallway to his own room and looked down to Cas’s, somehow hoping he would return outside to look at him once more. He waited for a minute but Cas didn’t show.

_What are you doing, Winchester?_ he asked himself as he let his weight drop onto the mattress.

He willed himself up again to get out of his clothes and crawled under the covers when he had only his underwear left on. Then he picked up his wallet from the nightstand and rummaged until he found what he had been looking for. From a hidden compartment he retrieved a folded, slightly crumpled piece of paper. He opened it and carefully evened the wrinkles with a fingertip. It was the photo of Cas sleeping that Gabriel had sent him during their first spring break in college. The picture had found its way from the pinboard in his room in his parents’ house into his wallet when he’d moved to Kansas City. It wasn’t the same wallet anymore but the photo had remained. Dean was only half aware most of the time that it was there, rediscovering it every time he cleaned out old checks.

He looked at it, smiling as he indulged in the memories it carried. He was actually glad to have met Cas today, but he didn’t know if he was able to let go again. Anyhow, it was too late and Dean had had a few drinks too many to reflect on this with reason. Probably he was just sentimental. There was still his life that was perfectly fine without Cas and Cas had his life in which there was no room for Dean. At least not in a role Dean would have liked. He could still think about this after he’d had some rest and cease his awkward relationship with Cas, so he could finally leave it behind for good.

 

During breakfast Cas was nowhere to be seen. Dean asked around a little if anyone had seen him up yet but no-one could help him. When we had emptied his coffee, he went back upstairs to knock at Cas’s door. There came no answer.

He really shouldn’t be bothering Charlie now but he needed to talk to Cas one last time. He wasn’t so sure about what exactly he wanted to talk—he just had to.

“Dean, what are you doing here?” Charlie asked annoyedly, obviously only woken up recently.

“Hey, sorry to bother you, but do you maybe happen to know where Cas is?”

“Well, on his way home I’d say,” she replied and yawned, not even caring to hide it behind a hand.

“What? Did he take a taxi?”

“No, Dorothy’s dad took him to the airport. Around seven thirty-ish, I think. He’s always the early bird so I thought I’d assign him to the job.” Dean glanced down at his watch. It was almost eleven. Cas was long gone.

“Can I go back to sleep now? We’ll talk later, okay?” she said.

“Yeah, uh, sure.” This wasn’t right. Cas couldn’t have left already. He still needed to talk to him. They hadn’t even shared a proper goodbye.

He paced up and down his room for two hours, taking the old photo into his hand every once in a while, until, finally Charlie texted him that she was up and ready to meet him in the lounge.

“Thank you, Charlie. I’m so sorry I woke you up earlier,” he said when he took a seat on the sofa next to her.

“What’s so important that you wouldn’t even let me sleep in after my wedding night?” she asked.

Right... What did he even want her to tell him? “Uh, so, about Cas.”

“Yes? You two seemed to have gotten along pretty well after all.”

“Yeah, exactly. That’s what I wanted to talk about. I know it’s crazy… I mean, I have Cassie and Cas is, you know… But when we got back to our rooms yesterday night, I swear there was a moment between us.”

“A moment?”

“No, a _moment._ Do you understand?”

“You mean like the one time we were camping and you thought Cas would want to kiss you?”

“Precisely!”

“Dean, do you even hear yourself? I get that you had feelings for him when we were in college and wished for something like this to happen, but it never did. You just imagined that Cas felt the same way about you. Otherwise something would have happened, I’m sure. And you never told him you loved him, right? So why would he act like that now? You were probably just tired and drunk.”

“But something did happen, Charlie!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Remember the party in college after the big game? The one Benny wouldn’t shut up about for weeks.”

“I guess…”

“When we got back to our dorm, Cas kissed me!”

Charlie made a grimace in disbelief.

“He was drunk and I was too, but I know for a fact that _he_ kissed _me._ We made out for a while and then…well, the making out turned into handjobs.”

“Are you kidding me?” Charlie exclaimed. “How come I’ve never heard about this before?”

“Well, Cas didn’t exactly seem happy about this the next day. I wanted to talk about it but he kept avoiding the issue. And, as you possibly remember, we gave each other the silent treatment for a few weeks afterwards.”

“So something did happen between the two of you—I knew it!”

“Yeah, and when we finally reconciled I thought it’d be best to never bring that night up again.”

“And Aaron was only a rebound.”

“No…yes. I guess. But I was still pissed when he dumped me. He’d grown on me.”

“Cas broke your heart… Oh, Dean! I never would’ve asked him to come to the wedding had I known that—”

“No, it’s okay. Actually, I’m glad you did.”

Charlie put his hand into hers. “And what now? Cas is off limits for you, you know that.”

“Yes, it’s just… I never actually got closure on this. I thought, maybe if I talked to him one last time, I can finally move on. I mean, _really_ move on. Get over this mess and live my life without having to think about him ever again and not almost have a panic attack should I run into him sometime in the future.”

“How would such a conversation even look like? Dean, honestly, I don’t think this is a good idea. You’re only hurting yourself and I can see you’ve gotten your hopes up again. I can only repeat myself: Cas is out of reach for you. He has dedicated his life to the church. You can never be with him and he can never be with anyone.”

Dean let out a brief whine. “I know that, Charlie, I sincerely do. I just… The _moment_ happened, I’m not making this up.”

“Whatever you think this was, it’s not what you’re making yourself believe. Cas chose the life he has now. He chose it over you, apparently while being aware of your feelings for him. Maybe there even was a time he wanted you but he decided becoming a priest was more important to him than being with you, Dean. It’s over. It’s been over for a long time now, you have to realize that. Also, what about Cassie? I thought you loved her.”

“You’re right! Everything you say is right. I love her… But there’s so much chaos inside me.”

Dean rubbed his hands over his face and ran his fingers through his hair. “Forget everything I said before. I won’t contact him. He has his life, I have mine, end of story,” he said after a deep inhale.

“It’s the right decision. Trust me,” Charlie said and patted his knee.

“Thank you,” Dean told her and gave her a hug. “Kiss your wife for me. I’m gonna pack and head home.”

“Yeah, do that. My wife, hmmm,” she said absent-mindedly, smiling at something in her head.

Dean headed upstairs to his hotel room and stuffed his few belongings in a duffel bag and put the smoking back on its hanger. He grabbed the photo from the nightstand and, after a second of hesitating, balled it up and threw it in the trash can.

When he was at the door and ready to leave, he hurriedly put down his things again and reached for the crumpled piece of paper in the bin. “Shit,” he cursed under his breath and tried his best to smooth the recently inflicted creases. Fortunately, the photo had barely suffered from Dean’s ill-considered move and he sighed in relief as he put it back in his wallet, neatly folded.

Then he took to elevator down to the front desk, checked out and brought everything to his car. When he was driving home, he thought it was probably time to ultimately fill the hole Cas had left in his heart and what better way to do this was there than asking his girlfriend to take the next step in their relationship. He was certain the right time had come; he would finally ask Cassie to move into his house. And who knew what kind of strange ideas concerning a certain person he might be having, should he continue living on his own.

As soon as he got home he searched his office slash guest room for the other spare key. The first one he had given to his mother, making her promise she wouldn’t show up unannounced.

The weekend had brought so many weird but also exciting developments. His best friend had gotten married; he had seen Cas again and for a moment he had thought he’d still be in love with him; now he was about to ask his girlfriend to move in with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time jump, oops. Who saw this coming? ;)


	10. Rogue One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now here's what Cas has been up to...

Cas had returned to his routine after his brief trip to his best friend’s wedding. The stay in Kansas City had been a pleasant variation of how he usually spent his time these days.

Well, of course he met new people and challenges in his job too, but it was work after all…which he loved and it mostly didn’t get monotonous, but his life in general did.

He would wake up early in the morning and pray, then assist Father Jim and go to help at the homeless shelter or whatever institution he was scheduled to engage at. He would have lunch and pray and return to work afterwards. Providing assistance to plain office work was also not so rare during his days. Sometimes, when he was done with his obligations, he’d go for a run in the neighborhood or do some other kind of workout. In the evening he would have dinner and pray again. Occasionally he’d read before bed, followed by the final prayer of the day, and eventually go to sleep. The next day would play out like the previous one. And the day after that as well and so on and so on.

Sometimes he’d be able to work with Meg at the soup kitchen when her kids were in day care or at her mom’s in the afternoon. She only worked part-time, so she could arrange helping out there every now and then. His sister-in-law had become one of his closest friends since Cas had returned from the seminary to his old neighborhood.

He also saw the rest of his family every Sunday, except for Hannah who was now living in Chicago, and sometimes he’d talk to his parents or Michael and his nephew and niece. He was lucky to be in his home parish for now but that was certainly going to change in the not so distant future.

Besides his family he had other friends, of course, but most of them were related to his work and he hardly ever met them for leisure. On occasion he’d get invited to dinner but everyone always had the fact back their minds that he wasn’t like them. Cas was supposed to be a man of God and an authority and ought to be treated with a certain amount of respect, even more so when he’d have become ordained a priest. Sometimes he just longed to be normal. Of course he was a person like everyone else, but then again he wasn’t. He had taken a vow, promised himself and his life to God. He wasn’t free to do whatever he wanted; he had a responsibility—towards God and the people of his church.

It frightened him that he had already begun to doubt his decisions. Yet, he wasn’t willing to give up. He was going to fight for his beliefs and he also owed it to himself to, for once, succeed. He was certainly not going back to where he had been before and give into being a failure for the rest of his life.

Cas stirred awake early today. Actually, the early wake-up calls had been the worst for him when he had first gotten to the seminary, but he had gotten used to it.

He had still some time before he had to get up and prepare himself for the day but he didn’t bother with trying to fall back asleep. As he lay there, in the dark, he recalled Charlie and Dorothy’s wedding, how beautiful and joyful the brides had been. Actually, he’d been anxiously anticipating the day for months. Sure, the chances that he would be getting to go there had been rather low but thanks to Father Jim he had eventually gotten to see his friends getting married with his own eyes. He had warned Cas that he might be getting into serious trouble for heading off for reasons of enjoyment, let alone a gay wedding, but he had covered for the young deacon nevertheless.

“You have been greatly missed during Mass this morning,” Father Jim had told Cas when he had returned around noon on the day after the wedding. There was no need for him to go into further detail on who exactly had been missing him. Cas was aware that he was quite popular among a notably large part of the female community, represented by all ages, and more than one had tried to allure him with flirtations. Some of them had known him for years but now he was the forbidden fruit and that, apparently, made him even more appealing to some of the women.

Cas was flattered by their advances, but in the end everyone involved knew this was only for the excitement of the situation without resulting in any immoral twists. Even if he were to act against his commitment—which he wouldn’t, of course—, none of the women had stirred his interest.

However, his reunion with Dean had certainly awoken something that he’d thought had been gone for good. Cas knew such a thing would happen sooner or later. At the seminary fellow priests and clergyman had shared their experiences with unwanted attraction or even feelings that were inappropriate and how they had gotten over it without betraying the role God had entrusted them with. Cas had also heard stories of those who had given into their desire and, if he could trust his sources, this hardly ever resulted in a pleasant outcome. He didn’t want to end like this.

But Dean…was still Dean. Cas had come to realize, when he had had to admit to his sexuality in order to learn how to cope with the prospect of everlasting chastity, that he had been in love with Dean all along. That what he had insisted on defining as friendship had actually been so much more than that.

He did no longer feel guilty for what had happened between them; he was, in fact, glad that at least one time in his life he had gotten to experience something like this. Sometimes he would think back to that night, recall other instances of their time together and pray for Dean to be alright and happy.

There were still at least twenty minutes left before he had to really leave his warm and cozy bed, so he grabbed his phone from the small shelf above his head and opened the Facebook app. Luckily, he wasn’t asked for his password which he wasn’t so sure he’d even remember. It took some time for the app to open but eventually allowed Cas to scroll through his newsfeed, though this wasn’t why he had logged into Facebook in the first place. Dean’s profile was suggested to him as soon as he had typed the first two letters of his name into the search bar.

Dean seemed to be as active on the social network as he was. The profile picture was obviously a few years old—Cas really shouldn’t judge it but the much too short hair in that photo made him look weird—yet there had been recent activity from just a few weeks ago.

 _Dean Winchester is engaged to Cassie Robinson,_ it read.

Oh. Things were apparently going well for him. When they had talked at the wedding Dean had referred to her as his girlfriend. According to the date the engagement had been announced only a few days after Cas had seen him. Maybe Dean had already planned something back then and didn’t want to spoil anything before Cassie had actually accepted the proposal. Or maybe Dean had gotten into the mood after seeing his best friend getting married.

Cas closed the app, put his phone back on the shelf and sighed. It was good that Dean had found someone to commit himself to and who was willing to do the same. He would be making a good husband. And certainly a good father, too. Cas guessed they would want to have kids when they were married.

He wondered whether to congratulate Dean on the engagement but he didn’t have his phone number and sending him a message via Facebook was pointless, given that he barely used it. Also, Dean had said they weren’t friends anymore, though at the wedding it had felt like they were. Maybe he would just ask Charlie to deliver his best wishes the next time they’d talk.

Whatever, it was time to get up.

 

“You’ve got mail,” Father Jim told him when he entered the priest’s office.

“Okay, I’ll read it later,” Cas said as took a seat, about to begin sorting files.

“You should open it now,” Father Jim insisted and rounded his table in order to move closer to Cas.

Cas looked up from the stack of papers and noticed the concerned expression on his colleague’s face. He glanced up at the envelope in the priest’s hand, recognizing the design.

“It’s from Bishop Crowley,” Father Jim said.

“Oh no, this can’t be good,” Cas replied and gritted his teeth as he took the letter and teared it open. His face darkened when he had started to read the first few words.

The priest watched him worriedly as his eyes flew over the lines. “And, what is it?” he asked impatiently when Cas had put the paper down.

“It’s admonishment for attending a same-sex wedding without the bishop’s consult and consent,” Cas said, trying to stay calm.

“What?”

“How did he even pick up on that?” Cas wondered in bewilderment, rather talking to himself than actually asking a question.

“He certainly didn’t hear it from me,” Father Jim assured him. “Castiel, you know I would never do this.”

“I know it wasn’t you. It doesn’t matter who did. I can’t blame anyone for my errors. I was aware I could get into trouble for this and now I am.”

“What does the letter say? Will there be any consequences?”

“Well, as it is already my second violation of the bishop’s policy in less than a year and of the same category as my first, despite my clear knowledge of his point of view, he’s putting me on probation until further notice.”

“And what does that mean?”

Father Jim knew very well what it meant. Bishop Crowley already disliked Cas and his chances of ever getting ordained a priest had lowered drastically. Should he refrain from acting against the bishop’s principles from now on, the incidents might become deemed time-barred in a few years’ time and he could be getting approved for ordination eventually.

However, this would also mean betraying his personal views and motivations. Laying low had certainly not been what he’d had in mind when taking the cloth. He wanted to be able to change something, renew the antiquated system and open it for new perspectives.

Of course there was no way to do this directly by confronting the establishment, i.e. Bishop Crowley. Castiel needed to undermine the apparatus that consisted of unyielding old men.

He had probably been too enthusiastic about this plan. After he had attended Indy Pride this year, clear for everyone to notice which institution he represented, a photo of him in his clerical attire waving a gay pride flag had ended up in the newspaper. It had just been a snapshot, nothing planned. The reactions of the general public to the image had been widely positive, as far as Cas could tell and a part of him had been really proud of that, but disillusion hit him hard as soon as the bishop’s scolding letter had arrived. To have his particular job meant to be on duty all the time—twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year. This also meant he could be held responsible by his boss for whatever he was doing during that time. Well, of course the overall boss was God, but there were still a few ranks between a little young deacon and a mighty bishop. And the church under Bishop Crowley did certainly not approve of any of their men going to a gay pride parade while being completely recognizable as one. Back in June the bishop had argued that taking actions like Cas had done might be giving people a wrong impression on how the Catholic Church perceived those kinds of things. The diocese had replied to the issue with a press release, stating that Deacon Castiel Novak had not been around on that day as an official church representative and that nothing he had been doing there had happened in accordance with bishopric regulations. Several media had inquired for an interview at Father Jim’s parish afterwards but everyone involved had been strictly prohibited from giving any further statement on that matter. Cas had apologetically complied, given that he was already on thin ice.

Father Jim had advised him then to postpone actions like this until after entering priesthood but Cas hadn’t listened and gone to Charlie’s wedding anyway. She was his friend after all. His friend who just happened to be gay.

“Well, I guess I better be good and obedient from now on,” Cas stated.

“I’m sorry, Castiel,” Father Jim said.

“Please, don’t be. It’s my own fault. Still, you protected me and I’m really grateful for that.”

Of course, his probation hadn’t come along without some sort of punishment. Cas was prohibited from assisting Father Jim during Mass and counseling. Bishop Crowley certainly didn’t want the black sheep’s rebellious attitude to rub off on and taint the pure white wool of any members of his flock.

He was still allowed to help out in the soup kitchen and homeless shelter but boring paper work had pretty much conquered his daily routine. Cas tried not to think of the possibility that the bishop won’t ever affirm his ordination and this might be the farthest he could have come in his career. This was definitely not what he had been striving for. A priest’s job rewarded the man who did it with joys that made the lack of a romantic relationship and other restrictions acceptable. If he weren’t even going to have those, then what did he give up his private life for? Cas wouldn’t know what to do if he’d remain stuck in his current position for the rest of his life. He could only pray and hope for the best.

 

Every year a group of parishioners organized a nativity play that would be performed on Christmas Eve. People of all ages—adults, children and seniors—joined to set up everything. There were those responsible for the stage design, those fitting the costumes and singers participating in the choir that provided a soundtrack for the re-enactment. There was always a big competition on who got to play the different roles, the most prominent of which obviously were Mary, Joseph and the Three Wise Men. A committee, that was usually presided by Father Jim, chose who got to play all the parts—including the animals that were mostly portrayed by children. The biggest part a kid could play here—and probably the most important role of the whole play—was the one of Baby Jesus. Sure, they could have easily used a doll for that one, but the people preferred authenticity and therefore the infant Jesus was played by a real baby every year.

This time a child named Jack Kline had landed the—at least among the mothers—popular role. Cas knew him and his mother well. Kelly Kline had moved to the parish when she had already been pregnant with her son. She was unmarried and a single mother since the father had disappeared soon after he had learned that they were expecting a baby. Cas had taken the young woman under his wings and he was also the one who had gotten to baptize Jack. He had accepted the sacrament as dignified as a baby could—good and quiet and not bothered by the holy water splashed on his head. Kelly had been so proud of her son, just like Cas.

Now she was having another good reason to be filled with joy. Cas knew it was primarily his quietness that had earned Jack the role. They could certainly not be having a crying Baby Jesus during the play in celebration of his birth.

Most of the participants had already arrived at the parish house and were dressing up in their costumes. Cas had told Kelly in advance that she and her son could stay at Father Jim’s office until it was time for Jack to shine in the spotlight as the tranquility in there would prepare him better for his role than the bustling of the other actors and singers who were getting ready behind the stage.

“Hello, Deacon Novak,” Kelly greeted him.

“Hello, you two. Here he is—the star of the evening,” Cas replied and leaned towards Jack in his buggy.

“He’s a little sleepy, though I guess that won’t be a problem for his part. He usually sleeps through everything but sometimes he gets cranky before eventually falling asleep. It probably helps to rock him a bit before his big performance,” Kelly said and gathered him up from the stroller along with the soft cream-colored blanket he was wrapped in. “Shh, Jackie, you’re a good boy. See, like this,” she told Cas as she demonstrated how to move with him. “Could you continue this for a minute? I really need to use the bathroom.”

“Of course,” he said and Kelly handed him the baby.

“There you go. I’ll be right back.”

“We’ll be fine,” Cas said and turned his attention towards Jack when Kelly had left.

“Yeah, you’re a good boy, aren’t you? Yes, you are,” he cooed and walked slowly back and forth in the small room while he kept gently rocking the baby in his arms.

Cas liked kids. He had missed the time his nephew and niece were that little but he still enjoyed every occasion he had them around. At least he got to have them in his life, even if only for some time, as he would never be having children of his own. If—and that was a big if at the moment—he ever became ordained a priest, people were to call him Father but this was certainly not the same as having a little one call him dad or something like that. He was still young. Most people nowadays weren’t even thinking about having children before they turned thirty, yet, in moments like this with Jack gradually falling asleep with his tiny head against his chest, he became painfully aware that this was never going to happen for him.

Probably not even fatherhood in the metaphorical clerical sense.

“You’re good with kids,” Kelly said and yanked Cas out of his thoughtfulness.

“I’ve had some practice with my brother’s children,” he explained.

“I’m sure you would have made a great father,” she said.

“Yeah, maybe,” Cas said softly, looking at the baby in his arms that was sound asleep now.

“Here, I’ll take him again; it’s almost time.” Kelly stepped closer and he carefully handed the sleeping baby over to his mother. For an instant Cas mourned the loss of the warm little bundle but the show was soon to begin, so he had to put off his musings until a later point.

Cas himself had acted in the play when he was a kid. One year he’d had the part of a sheep, then the donkey, followed by an angel and he peaked in his role of a shepherd when he was fourteen years old. He was reminded of those times as he watched the children recite their lines and then the long awaited miracle occurred and Christ was born. Little Jack was still asleep and remained oblivious to his contribution to the evening and the gifts the Three Kings brought to honor him.

“Jack is a natural,” Cas told Kelly after the show had ended and she was putting her son back into the stroller.

“I agree, though I should probably sign him up for acting lessons when he starts to talk,” she said and laughed.

“Probably a good idea. There’ll be other roles for him in the play when he is older.”

“Will I be seeing you at Mass tomorrow?” Kelly asked.

“I will be there, but still not in the front where the serious business is happening.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you know when you’ll return back up there again?”

“No. Soon, I hope,” he replied sadly.

“I upset you…sorry,” Kelly said guiltily.

“Nah, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. Now go home and put your son to bed,” he spoke gently and forced a smile onto his face. “Good night.”

“Good night,” Kelly said and steered Jack’s buggy out the door.

Cas felt exhausted but he still had to stay and help clearing up before retreating to his room. Hopefully he was allowed to hold Jack again tomorrow. After he had finally turned in, he continued to think about this. About his decision against ever having kids, a family, a spouse, and whether it might have been a mistake.

 

It was New Year’s Day and Cas had remained in a state of anxiousness throughout the holidays. He had come to the conclusion that he should no longer ponder over all the things that were perturbing him, so he asked Father Jim for a talk.

“I’ve noticed that something is bothering you, Castiel, but I wanted you to come to me on your own terms,” the priest told him. “What is it exactly that’s been upsetting you? Not just your probation, I assume.”

“No…well, that too, but also… I don’t even know how to begin,” Cas said and leaned back against the wooden bench they were sitting on. “I have doubts. A lot of them. And I know this happens to everyone in our situation sooner or later, but I feel like they won’t ever go away now that I’m having them.”

“What are you doubting, Castiel? Yourself, the church…God?”

“No, I’m not doubting God. My faith is still intact. I just don’t feel like this life is right for me, you know. Maybe I made a hasty decision going to the seminary because I didn’t know what else to do after college.”

“Castiel, I was there with you. You were reflecting on this the whole summer and during your last year in college. After that you had years to prepare yourself for this. I don’t think you acted precipitately when you took your vows.”

“Then why does everything feel so wrong now?”

“Everything?”

“Well, I mean, I’m not allowed to do my job properly and the things I most enjoyed about it… But even before that I was wondering if I’m not missing out on something. I’m not so sure if I still want this life.”

“What makes you think that?”

There were so many answers to that question, Cas thought. “Like, when I was at my friend’s wedding…it kinda made me sad that I won’t ever have that. It was beautiful and I don’t regret going there but still it somehow ached in my heart. And then I met Dean again—”

“Dean, your friend from college?” Father Jim interjected.

“Yes, he used to be my best friend back then, but this friendship ended soon after I had started my studies at the seminary. At the wedding I realized how much I’d missed him. He was the best friend I ever had and it really hurts to know that things won’t ever be like they were between us.”

“I understand you miss your friend, but you’ll find new ones. You already have; Kelly Kline for instance. You and her get along pretty well, right?”

“Yes, I like her. She’s nice. I’m also really fond of her son, Jack. He’s a ray of sunshine and he was such a good baby during the nativity play. But here’s the thing: he reminds me every time of how I won’t ever have a son or a daughter. I know I’m lucky to have my brother’s kids around but I can’t even be a proper uncle to them. I have so many more people I need to care about. Not that I don’t like this job, but… Do you understand me?”

Father Jim put a hand on Cas’s shoulder before replying, “I understand. Do you think you’ll get over this any time soon without making your work suffer under your issues?”

“The only thing it’s suffering from is that I’m not allowed to do it,” Cas replied sharply. He sighed. “I’m sorry for my disrespect,” he said.

“It’s alright, Castiel. So, what do you say?”

“Maybe, I don’t know. I hope I will.”

And he tried. He really tried, but it only got worse. He just wanted to drop everything and run away. But where was he supposed to go? He barely had money, let alone did he have any worthwhile personal possessions. He wouldn’t come far were he to seek sanctuary with his family—no matter if at his parents’ house or at his brother’s. What would they even think of him? _Poor Cas has failed again._ His mother in particular would be so disappointed. And he had sworn to God he would live his life in His name and how could he possibly fail Him?

“I can’t,” he told Father Jim, who had just walked into his office, a few weeks later. Cas had spent the day filing and copying and typing again.

“You can’t do what?” the priest asked in confusion.

“This. I can’t do this…this life. I have to quit or I’ll lose my sanity,” Cas said as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Have you thought this through since we last talked?”

“Yes, I have. And I need to give up.”

“Castiel…Cas, are you really sure? Where will you go, what will you do? You can’t just return to being a member of the Catholic Church like you used to be.”

“Maybe they’ll let me return to lay state…”

“Even if they’ll accept your request, this could take years and until then, well, you won’t be in a good position.”

“Nobody will care if I go someplace else.”

“News travel fast in our domain, you know that.”

“Then I’ll just avoid the church for some time.”

“Alright. If that’s what you want. But tell me, Cas, where are you planning to go?”

“I’m not so sure about that. I’ll think of something.”

The priest sat down on the desk Cas was sitting at. “Cas, do you really not want to consider this for a few more weeks. I’ll see what I can do to get you back on the job again. I have friends in the diocese, maybe they can help with your case.”

“Thanks for offering, but I don’t want that. I don’t want to cause you any more trouble and I just want to leave all this behind me.” He opened a desk drawer and retrieved an envelope. “Here, this is a letter in which I’m expressing my reasons for resigning. I’ll be leaving in two days. I’m sorry, Father.”

The priest accepted the letter from him and briefly opened his mouth to speak once more, but then decided to leave it be.

During his remaining time in the parish, Cas studied timetables for long distance busses and packed all his belongings which took him less than an hour. He might not be able to scrape up enough money to get where he intended to go but it still should suffice to take him far away.

He decided it would probably be for the best not to say goodbye to his parents. He could still talk to them and apologize when things would have settled down after his sudden departure. Perhaps he’d have figured something out until then.

Yet, there was one person he was going to tell about his decisions.

“Meg, can you please do me a favor? I need you to give me a ride this evening. It won’t take long, but please, it’s really important,” he said when they talked on the phone. His sister-in-law told him she would come to pick him up at seven.

“You’re really doing this,” Father Jim said when Cas had come to say goodbye.

“Yes, I have to. Thank you for everything. You’ll still be my friend, no matter how this turns out, right?”

“Of course, Cas,” the priest said as he stepped closer to hug him. “You will be missed.”

“Goodbye,” Cas said after a while and withdrew himself from the embrace.

Then he left the building, pulling his small suitcase behind him that was the only piece of baggage he had aside from a messenger bag. Meg’s car was already parked in front of the parish house.

“Are you going on a business trip or something like that?” she asked when Cas was buckling up his seat belt.

“No, nothing like that. I’ll tell you on the way.”

“First you have to tell me where we’re going,” Meg said.

“Yes, right. To the bus terminal, please.”

“You’re taking a bus overnight?” she asked casually as she was driving.

“Yes. That’s the plan at least.”

“So, where’re you going?”

“Depends on what kind of ticket I can get for the modest amount of money I have.”

“Cas, what is going on?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“No, I mean I’m leaving my position as a deacon. I quit and now I’m running away from my responsibilities.”

Meg pulled over and shut off the engine. “What? Are you seriously telling me this just like that, minutes before you’ll be gone for good?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have the energy to deal with anyone other than myself right now. I’m a coward for secretly running off, I know that, but I’m really not in a good place at the moment.”

“Cas,” she said, looking at him with a pitying face. “Does Father Jim know? Please don’t tell me you left without informing Father Jim.”

“Of course I told him. I’m not _that_ irresponsible. He also knows about the reasons I’m leaving.”

“Will you tell me too?”

“Sorry, no… I just can’t have another conversation like this now. In brief, I think I made a mistake becoming a clergyman and I need to try living another life.”

“Cas, I had no idea… Will you be okay? Where are you even going?”

“Like I said, I’m not so sure. I wanted to go to Kansas City but I don’t have enough money and—what are you doing?”

Meg was rummaging in her purse and eventually retrieved her wallet. “Here,” she said, handing him few dollar bills.

“I can’t accept this,” he said without looking how much she had given him.

“Take it. I insist.”

“Meg, you—”

“You either take it or I’ll bring you right back to Father Jim,” she said.

Cas put the money in his pocket without talking back and Meg started the engine again.

“So, you’re going to Kansas City…you know anyone there?” she asked when they were back on the road.

“My friend Charlie lives there with her wife. I was at their wedding a few months ago.” Cas was very much aware that Charlie and Dorothy were on their honeymoon in New Zealand right now and wouldn’t be home for the next week. But where else was he supposed to go?

“That’s good to know,” Meg said.

When they had arrived at the bus terminal, Meg got out of the car with him. “Call me as soon as you’ve found a place to stay. And if you don’t find one, you come right back. I’ll buy you a ticket and you’ll be living with us, okay?”

Telling her that he wasn’t going to accept this offer in any case was pointless, so he just said, “I will. Goodbye, Meg. Thanks for giving me a lift.” They hugged tightly for a minute until Cas let go, took his suitcase and headed for the ticket counter. The money Meg had given him was enough to buy him a ticket to Kansas City and allow him a night at a cheap hotel.

The bus left at 10 p.m. and soon Cas was lulled to sleep by the vehicle’s steady motion along the road.

When he arrived in the morning he had to face the truth that he didn’t actually know where to go. He didn’t want to unnecessarily spend his precious savings on public transport without even having a certain destination, so he just walked for a while. Gladly, the sun was out and kept him warm on his path to no place in particular.

Of course Charlie and Dorothy weren’t the only people Cas knew in Kansas City. The fact that Dean also lived here had been ghosting around in the back of his head ever since he had decided to come here, but what right did he have to bother him? They’d gotten along quite well at the wedding, yet this didn’t mean they were friends. Let alone friends you could call when you were stranded in a strange city.

Dean probably didn’t even want to see him, judging by the way he had acted towards him earlier that day. He had his own life with his job and his fiancée and there was certainly not a place for Cas in it. He, who had ruined their friendship by trying to become a priest.

He came across a small park and found a bench to sit on.

How would he even contact Dean? He didn’t have his phone number, nor his address—not that he was planning to show up at his house unannounced. Yet, he knew the name of the company Dean was working at. He googled it along with Dean’s name but didn’t find his particular number, so he just called the front desk. After having been transferred back and forth from one department to another and explaining who he was and why he was calling, he finally reached Dean’s personal line.

“Yeah, hello?” the familiar voice asked.

Cas hesitated for a moment. “Hello?” Dean repeated, slightly annoyed by the silence on the other end.

“Dean? It’s me, Cas,” he said eventually.

No answer. “Dean, are you there?”

Then he heard Dean clearing his throat. “Uh, yeah. What is it?”

That was a really good question. He had spent so much time getting through to Dean that he had forgotten to prepare a good explanation for his call. “Uh, well. I’m in town, actually.”

“In Kansas City?”

“Yes, and I thought I’d see if you might want to meet up today. I mean, only if you don’t have any other plans already”

“You are really here, in Kansas City?”

“Yes, I am. Right now I’m outside enjoying the sun.”

“Where exactly are you?” Dean asked.

Cas quickly scanned his surroundings for a hint and found a sign with the park’s name on it.

“There’s a nice diner just two blocks from where you are now. I go there sometimes. Could I meet you there?”

“Yes, sure,” Cas said, suddenly very excited about Dean actually wanting to see him.

“Then give me your number so I can text you the address,” Dean told him. “Alright,” he concluded after Cas had dictated him the phone number. “I’ll be off work at five. See you later.”

Cas sat there a little longer but the air around him became gradually colder as the sun moved across the sky and found retreat behind the nearby trees. He could really use some hot coffee, so he decided to head for the diner Dean had told him to go.

Dean was right. It looked nice and it was pleasantly warm inside. When he had been seated and the waitress returned to take his order, Cas told her he was fine with coffee for now. He was a bit hungry, too, but he had to be careful with his expenses before he knew how much he was going to need in the next couple of days.

He looked at his smartphone to check the time and realized he hadn’t even arranged anything in relation to his phone bill or bank account. Things he certainly wouldn’t be able to do as long as he didn’t have a steady address but he couldn’t just let Father Jim deal with his mail during his absence. He would have to put his things in order soon.

Why did he come here? He should have accepted Meg’s offer to stay with her. He would still be miserable, but at least he’d have a roof over his head.

Anyhow, the fact that Dean had agreed to meet him was a silver lining, if only a small one.

“Sir, I’m sorry, but you need to order something to eat if you want to stay any longer,” the waitress told him after he had been at the diner for a while already.

“Uh, yes… Toast, please,” he said.

“Do you want anything with your toast?” she asked, obviously not too happy about his order.

“No, just the toast.” He had gotten really hungry by now but plain toast would have to do for the time being.

Cas glanced up at the clock on the wall behind the counter. _Three hours and forty minutes before Dean._ This was going to be a long day and he didn’t even know yet where he would find himself when it was time to go to bed tonight.


	11. Welcome to The Shire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've finished writing this thing, so I'm updating a bit earlier than usual.

Dean had been more than surprised when Cas had called him at work.

Cas was in Kansas City and wanted to meet him? He thought of what Charlie had told him on the day after the wedding; that talking to Cas would only hurt him again.

But how could he have said no?

Why was Cas even here?

Probably some kind of priest congress, Dean assumed.

The day had already started out slow, but now, with the prospect of seeing Cas after work, time basically creeped forward. He just couldn’t wrap his head around why on earth Cas had called him.

When he finally got off work and drove his car to the diner, the anxiousness was almost killing him. This probably wasn’t a good idea, he knew that very well. Cas would be polite and casual like he had been at the wedding and Dean would overvalue his friendliness again. He had every right to be mad at Cas but he could no longer bring himself to hold a grudge against him for things that had happened almost seven years ago. They’d had different lives back then; they had been different people.

Dean spotted Cas right away as he entered the diner. He was sitting in Dean’s favorite booth, toying with the coffee cup on the table in front of him.

As opposed to the last time he had seen him, Cas’s outfit was far less formal today. He was wearing jeans and a Duke University hoodie and his tired face lightened up as soon as he noticed Dean walking up to him.

“Hey,” Dean said.

“Hi,” Cas replied. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“It’s nice to see you again,” Dean told him.

“You too, Dean.”

“I’m starving,” Dean said after he had sat down across from Cas. “Do you already know what you’re having? I think I’ll eat a burger. They make good burgers here.”

“Uh, I don’t think I’ll be eating something. I had toast for lunch.”

“Lunchtime was a few hours ago. You can surely eat again.”

“I’m not hungry,” Cas said but his stomach betrayed him by making a growling noise.

“You obviously are,” Dean noted.

“I think I just had too much coffee today.”

The waitress arrived with her notepad and Dean ordered a cheeseburger. “You’d like to have more toast, sir?” she asked Cas with an sarcastic undertone.

“No, thanks, I’m good,” he said and sunk a little more into his seat as he spoke.

“Cas, what’s going on? Since when are you here and why is the waitress so pissed at you?” Dean inquired, his voice low in earnest.

“Oh, just a few hours. Apparently they’d prefer you to order a bit more food when you occupy a table for such a timespan.” His stomach rumbled loudly once more.

“That’s it,” Dean said, “We’ll have a second cheeseburger, please,” he called, “and fries.”

“Dean, please, I don’t have enough money to—”

“Ha!” Dean interrupted him. “I knew there was something off with you. Now tell me what the hell is going on.”

“I, uh…” His eyes wandered around nervously, avoiding Dean’s gaze and eventually fixing the empty cup in front of him. “I quit.”

“You quit what?”

“My job, Dean,” Cas replied, now looking at him. “I quit my job, my life. I didn’t know where to go, so I came to Kansas City without even knowing what I’m supposed to do here.” Cas looked like he was going to be sick.

Their burgers arrived and Cas stared longingly at his without touching it. “Don’t worry, I’ll pay,” Dean said.

“Dean, I can’t—”

“Eat! Then we’ll talk. You seem like you’re about to fall out of your seat unless you’re boosting your blood sugar any time soon.”

Cas hesitated for a second before tucking into his burger. Dean watched him with a satisfied smile on his face as he took the first bite himself.

“Better?” he asked when the waitress collected their empty plates.

“Yes, thank you, Dean.”

“You’re welcome. Now would you please tell me what happened?”

“Well, I, I’ve had some problems. I didn’t really follow the rules and I got punished for that, but this whole thing also doesn’t seem right anymore. I couldn’t take it any longer, so I decided to leave Indianapolis.”

“So you’re not a priest…deacon anymore?”

“It’s not that simple, Dean. You can’t just go back after becoming ordained; this is final. However, I’ll be seeking for laicization.”

“Huh?”

“It means I’ll officially lose my status as a member of the clergy,” Cas explained.

“So you do stop being a deacon?”

“Briefly, yes.”

“And what exactly did you get punished for?”

Cas sighed. He typed something into his phone and handed it over to Dean. “The incident hasn’t even been covered in a proper article; it’s just the photo along with a brief caption,” he said.

“I see,” Dean replied. Actually, he understood nothing. _What even is this,_ he wondered as he looked at the picture of Cas waving a rainbow flag.

“And somehow the bishop also found out that I was at a gay wedding,” Cas added.

“So you basically got kicked out of church because you support the LGBTQ community?”

“Yeah, basically. But like I said, I wasn’t too happy with this life in general.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. I don’t even know where I’ll be sleeping tonight. Do you happen to know any cheap hotels around here?”

“Cas, I won’t let you pay for a hotel when you don’t even have money to buy a proper meal.”

“If you’re offering money again, I won’t take it.”

“I mean you’ll be staying at my house,” Dean clarified.

Cas gaped at him and shook his head. “Dean, no, that’s really kind of you, but I didn’t ask you to come because I was seeking shelter with you.”

“I get that. Doesn’t mean you have to refuse now.”

“Dean… What does Cassie even have to say to this? By the way, congratulations on the engagement.”

Where did he—oh, how he hated social media… “I don’t think I need her permission,” Dean said.

“Won’t you ask your fiancée whether it’s okay if some ex-clergyman stays with you?”

“Cassie and I broke up,” Dean explained blankly.

Cas stared at him for a moment before saying, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you got a refund on the ring.”

“I didn’t have a ring,” Dean told him. “It was more of a heat-of-the-moment kinda thing, you know. I actually meant to ask her to move in with me but—maybe it was Charlie and Dorothy getting married or something—somehow the question slipped from my tongue and she said yes. Soon after that we both realized we were rushing things and then I told her that I, in general, wasn’t in a condition to be in a committed relationship at the moment.”

They were silent for a minute.

“Cas, please come home with me, okay?” Dean said after a while.

“I don’t want to be a burden,” Cas spoke as if the plain idea of accepting Dean’s offer caused him discomfort.

“You won’t be. Come on, let me help an old friend.”

Cas’s eyes darted up to him at the word ‘friend.’ Then a slight smile appeared on his face. “Okay,” he said shyly.

Dean paid for both of them, giving the waitress a generous tip and proceeded to walk Cas to his car.

“This all you’ve got?” he asked when he saw Cas’s small suitcase.

“Yeah,” Cas croaked. He still didn’t look too happy about following Dean home.

“Let me take this for you,” Dean said, snatched his luggage from him, and placed his free hand on Cas’s back to gently push him out the door.

“Maybe we should make a quick stop at the supermarket,” Dean said when they were on their way and Cas nodded in silence.

“If you need anything special, just put it in the cart,” he said as they were meandering through the maze of aisles filled with all kinds of products. “And don’t you dare argue with me or offer to pay for any of this,” Dean shut Cas off before he could even open his mouth.

Two minutes later he caught him staring at the selections of toothbrushes, reaching for one, then putting it back on the rack again. Dean let out an irritated exhale and grabbed a triple pack. “There,” he said. “You can pick a color when we’re home.”

He let Cas add fruits and vegetables to their cart which he usually wouldn’t have bought and made him pick two sets of T-shirts and sweatpants after he’d incidentally mentioned he was running low on informal attire. He would probably have to take him clothes shopping sometime soon.

When they got home, Dean combined the carrying of their purchase into the house with quickly showing Cas around the first floor. “Living room, kitchen, pantry and laundry room are back there, guest bathroom.”

“Your house looks very nice,” Cas noted.

“Thanks. Now come on, I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping,” Dean said and headed upstairs with Cas’s suitcase. “My bedroom is right there along with the master bathroom,” he explained before turning left and opening the door to the second bedroom.

His improvised office, which he hardly used anyway, was a mess. He quickly collected a few scattered things from the sofa and stacked them on the desk. “I’ll make some room for you in the closet tomorrow. I meant to throw out a lot of the stuff in there anyway.

The sofa is a convertible. I’ll help you make it into a bed later. First I’ll get you some bedclothes.”

Cas had been standing in the doorway staring the entire time Dean had been speaking. “Thank you, Dean,” he said eventually. “I will find a way to make this up to you, I promise.”

Dean frowned at him. “Cas, don’t be ridiculous.” He moved the suitcase out of the way and put it in the corner next to the sofa. “Would you like a shower before we make your bed?”

“That’d be nice,” Cas said and Dean walked him into his bathroom and grabbed a towel for him from the linen closet. “Feel free to use my body wash and shampoo,” he told Cas and closed the door behind him to leave him his privacy.

This was the first time since coming to the diner that he had a moment on his own to think about what he was actually doing. He hadn’t known what to expect when Cas had called him earlier that day but he certainly wouldn’t have guessed that Cas would end up at his house for an unknown duration.

Cas had looked so sad and pitiful when he had told Dean his story, yet his choice to offer him hospitality didn’t come from his motivation to be a good Samaritan or whatever. He still considered Cas a friend—after all those years, after all Cas had done to him.

It was creepy lingering right at the door while Cas was in there showering, naked, so Dean left to bring some order into the guestroom—Cas’s room.

Although he had said he would do it tomorrow, he started to clean out the closet. He wouldn’t want Cas having to live out of his tiny suitcase. There were so many boxes in there, their content a complete mystery to him. After moving into his house, Dean had never really gotten around to unpacking these boxes and they probably weren’t holding anything of importance as he couldn’t recall missing any of his stuff lately, though he remembered some of them being in the same state since he’d moved out of his parents’ house.

He found all kinds of pens and old batteries and cell phones he had been too lazy to dispose of properly, so he’d just packed and stored them out of sight, leaving them to be forgotten. He also discovered worn out shoes, wondering why he hadn’t thrown them away already.

“Dean.” Cas’s voice startled him from behind as he was sitting between the mess of boxes he had actually meant to get rid of. His eyes snapped up to were Cas was standing in the threshold, only covered by a towel slung around his hips.

“I forgot to take fresh clothes with me,” Cas explained, clasping his dirty garments before his bare chest.

Dean’s jaw moved awkwardly, trying to form words. “Yeah, right. I’ll leave you alone to get dressed,” he managed eventually and got up from where he had been sitting on the floor, quickly shoving the boxes to the wall, so Cas could get through to his stuff.

Dean was sitting on the living room couch with a cold beer in his hand, browsing Netflix, when Cas came downstairs, now in his pajamas.

“Hey, uh, you want some?” Dean asked, gesturing with his bottle.

“Not drinking,” Cas reminded him. “Anyway, I think I’ll go to bed. I’m beat.”

“Uh, okay,” Dean said.

“I’ll, um, just get one of the toothbrushes if that’s okay. I don’t think I packed mine when I left Indianapolis.”

“Yeah, right. I think I left them on the kitchen counter next to the fridge.”

“Alright, thank you,” Cas said and disappeared for a few seconds before returning with a blue toothbrush. “Good night, Dean.”

“Night, Cas.”

After Dean had emptied his beer and quietly walked upstairs to brush his teeth as well, he lay down in his bed, thinking that Cas was sleeping one room over. Just like in college, he thought. Like the good old times. He wished the wall that separated them were closer to the bed, so he could put his hand on it and feel Cas through it.

He shook his head over how silly the idea was and turned to face the other way.

Just like in the old days, he thought one last time before falling asleep.

 

Cas woke up at 6:30 a.m. without his alarm making a fuss. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept this long. Dean’s guest sofa had been comfortable enough and for the first time in weeks he had slept without nightmares disturbing his slumber. It was not like he had to get up for prayer or anything, yet he felt well-rested and got out of bed anyway. Still, he had prayed before going to bed yesterday, thanking God for bringing Dean back into his life.

He had failed to ask when Dean would have to get up and leave for work the night before, but Cas thought the least he could do for his friend was to make him breakfast. Careful not to wake him, Cas headed downstairs into the kitchen and inspected the refrigerator on what he could prepare for Dean. After a few tries on the wrong cabinets and drawers, he had found everything he needed. Also, his discovery of a package of tea lights had given him an idea for a suitable surprise.

Just in time, when he placed the last pancake on a plate, Cas heard Dean coming down the stairs and then the kitchen door swung open. “Close your eyes,” Cas told him quickly, shielding the stack of pancakes with his body.

“Cas, what—”

“Dean, please, I have a surprise for you.”

“Fine,” he mumbled and complied. “You know, I can smell the pancakes. You really didn’t need to—”

“You can open your eyes now,” Cas said.

“What is this?” Dean asked in honest astonishment, looking down at the plate full of pancakes with a single lit tea light on top.

“I remembered it was your birthday a week ago. Sorry, but I couldn’t find another kind of candles.”

“Cas,” Dean said, smiling softly at him.

“Happy birthday, Dean,” he said. “Make a wish.”

Dean bit his lower lip as he tried to come up with one for a brief second and blew out the light. Cas watched him, satisfied. “You better eat now before it gets cold. I’ll get you a cup of coffee.”

“Cas?” Dean said when Cas was about to busy himself at the coffee maker. “Thank you.”

Cas returned Dean’s warm smile, poured each of them a cup of coffee and eventually joined Dean at the table with his own portion of pancakes.

“How many coffees have you had already?” Dean asked with his mouth full.

“This is my first cup,” Cas said.

“Really? And when did you get up?”

“6:30. Why?”

“Jesus, Cas, who are you? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore,” Dean exclaimed. “What happened to my frenemy Palpatine?”

Cas huffed a short laugh. “You know, it took some time, but I’ve gotten used to getting up early. You really can’t afford to sleep in if you choose the same career path as I did.”

“It’s a miracle you even made it that long,” Dean said thoughtlessly before backtracking immediately, “I’m sorry, Cas, I didn’t mean it that way.”

“It’s fine, Dean. I’ve often wondered myself.”

“How are you feeling today?”

“Well, I know my issues will catch up with me eventually, but I’m glad to have brought some space between those and me for now.”

“That’s good,” Dean said and sipped his hot coffee. “What are you going to do today? Got any plans?”

“Maybe I’ll go for a run. Or I could do some laundry. What would you like for dinner tonight? I could cook something—”

“Cas, you don’t have to do that,” Dean interjected.

“Please, Dean, let me do something to feel less guilty about this.”

“Don’t feel guilty. I asked you to stay with me because I wanted to.”

Cas only frowned at him and Dean sighed. “Whatever you’ll make for dinner will be fine,” he said eventually.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas replied, his face brightening up.

“And don’t thank me all the time. It’s getting annoying,” Dean said, though smiling as he stuffed the last piece of pancake into his mouth.

 

Later, when Dean had left for work, Cas did the dishes and made a plan for what to prepare for dinner in the evening. They hadn’t really bought ingredients for a particular meal but Cas assumed spaghetti with tomato sauce should do until he’d been able to procure some other things the next day or so as he lacked a car and didn’t know if there was a grocery store in walking distance.

Afterwards he collected the clothes he had worn during his flight from Indiana and found some of Dean’s in the hamper in the laundry room. Dean probably wouldn’t have liked seeing Cas literally going through his dirty laundry but he needed something to occupy himself with, and started a load when he had figured out how to use the washing machine.

As he waited for the laundry to get done, he switched on the TV and zapped through the channels. There was nothing on, of course, so he gave up and instead inspected Dean’s Blu-ray collection. Many of the titles meant nothing to him and he guessed Dean would have to continue where he had left off with his tutoring. Cas hadn’t really had the opportunity in a while to have movie marathons or actually go to a movie theater.

He also hadn’t brought any books with him and considered checking out Dean’s but he didn’t feel like reading anyway.

Weirdly, Cas somehow missed the routine he’d had until yesterday. He thought he would be glad to finally have a day off but now he was just so bored. Actually, he was only looking for a distraction so he wouldn’t start thinking about what he’d done and how insane it was that he had done. He wasn’t ready to face reality. For now he would be living inside the bubble he’d created, in Kansas City, Missouri, in Dean’s house, with his friend Dean.

_With Dean._

Sure, he was happy to be here now, but a part of him also questioned why he had even contacted Dean in the first place. They were friends—he knew that for certain now but he couldn’t have counted on him actually wanting to help.

The guilt came creeping back. Of course, Cas wouldn’t have let his friend down either if he were in his place. Cas was there, in Kansas City and homeless and how else could Dean have reacted than—

His phone rang and the screen showed it was Dean calling.

“Hey, I just wanted to check if everything’s alright,” he said.

“Yes, I’m fine, Dean,” Cas lied.

“Good. So, if you need something to pass the time, you can watch some Netflix. It’s all set up on the TV. I’m sure you’ll mange to get it running. If not, call me and I’ll explain it to you. I’m off earlier on Fridays and I’m expecting to be home by half past three. Text me if you need me to get anything from the store.”

“Okay. I was thinking we could have spaghetti if that’s alright?”

“Sounds perfect. Listen, I gotta go now but I’ll have my phone with me all day. Call me anytime.”

“Bye, Dean.”

“Bye, Cas,” he said and hung up.

A minute later his phone chimed again and he picked up without looking at the caller ID.

“Dean, you don’t have to call so often, I—”

“Dean? What Dean? _The_ Dean?” Meg’s voice asked on the other end of the line.

“Oh, hi Meg. Yes, my friend Dean from college,” Cas confirmed.

“Where are you, Cas? I thought you were going to Kansas City to see your friend, what was her name, Charlie? You were supposed to call me!”

“I am in Kansas City. Dean lives here, too. I’ve been sleeping at his house. Sorry, I had so much going on yesterday, I forgot.”

“It’s good to hear you’ve found a place to stay.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Neither of them talked for a minute. “We miss you, Cas,” Meg resumed.

“Have you told Michael or my parents?”

“Of course I’ve told my husband that his brother left town. He would’ve found out eventually.”

“And mom and dad?”

“We’ve decided we’ll talk to them on Sunday after church. Father Jim will be there with us.”

“I’m sorry for all the trouble I’m causing you,” Cas apologized.

“Cas, we all want you to be happy, you know that, right? I know this decision’s been hard on you. I’m praying that you’ll make your peace with it.”

“Thank you, Meg, honestly. I miss you, too.”

“Alright, Cas. I wouldn’t mind you calling every once in a while.”

“Hug the kids for me.”

“I will do that. Have a nice day, bye,” she said and ended the call.

Cas knew he was a coward for leaving it to his sister-in-law, his brother and their priest to tell his parents that he had run away from his life but he wouldn’t be able to do it himself and just call them. He was so lucky to have Meg still supporting him, even though he had broken his promise he had given God Himself.

After he had put the laundry into the dryer, Cas decided to follow Dean’s instructions and take a look at the selection of movies and shows on Netflix. He watched a few episodes of a sitcom and then moved to the kitchen to quickly cut onions, garlic and tomatoes for the spaghetti sauce, and cooked everything with salt and herbs. They could heat it up again when Dean got home. The spaghetti would only take a few minutes, so he didn’t need to worry about them now.

When the preparation for their meal was done, Cas decided to go for a quick run. Dean had left him a spare key before he had gone to work, so he could come and go as he liked without leaving the house unlocked.

As he wasn’t familiar with the neighborhood, he only ran around the block at first, then expanded his route to two blocks, then three. Tomorrow he would already know where to go without getting lost.

He showered when he had gotten home and heard Dean’s key turning in the lock as he was just getting back downstairs.

“Hey,” Dean said.

“Hey, I can make the spaghetti now if you’re hungry. I’ve already prepared a sauce earlier, it won’t take long.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice. Do I have time for a shower before it’s ready?”

“Of course, Dean.”

Dean’s praising his moderate cooking skills made Cas blush but he appreciated how easily Dean could make him feel good about himself. Cas told Dean about his day and about the phone call from Meg and Dean was genuinely surprised that he had remained friends with her all these years. “She’s family,” Cas told him.

“I know, Cas, I know. I’m glad you have her,” Dean said after hearing about how Meg had helped him get away from Indianapolis. “Hey,” he said then and picked up his phone. “Charlie sent me some pictures from New Zealand. Wanna see?”

“Yeah, sure,” Cas said and leaned closer to have a better look at Dean’s phone. “Hey, that’s Hobbinton! They’re at Bilbo’s place, see?”

“That’s so cool!” Dean agreed. “Come, I have an idea,” he said and put and arm around Cas’s shoulders. Cas was startled by the sudden closeness but eased into it after a moment. Dean held his phone up and told him to smile into the camera. It made click and Dean cheerfully showed him their selfie. “I’mma send it to her.”

Five minutes later Dean’s phone pinged with Charlie’s reply that mostly consisted of emojis and question marks.

“What do you want me to tell her?” he asked Cas.

“The truth, I guess.”

“Okay,” Dean said and sent her a message explaining that Cas would be staying at his place for some time after giving up his church career.

 _Dinner next weekend, the 4 of us, no excuses,_ Charlie texted back.

“We better do what she says,” Cas laughed.

“Yeah, for our own safety,” Dean agreed, chuckling along with him. “Hey Cas,” he said after a while.

“Hm?”

“I’m glad you’re here. Reminds me of our time in college.”

“Yes,” Cas said, “you’re right and I’m glad to be here, too.”

They smiled at each other for a minute, still sitting close on the sofa, before Dean cleared his throat and announced he would make popcorn and told Cas to choose a movie.

Later that evening, when Cas had gone to bed, he felt much better about accepting Dean’s help. Life was almost like it used to be with Dean being his friend and roommate and soon they would be hanging out with Charlie and Dorothy again, too.

 

The girls’ house was much bigger than Dean’s and tastefully decorated with movie posters and original comic book drawings. Charlie had hung a framed copy of Dorothy’s first published novel over the fireplace. Dorothy had protested at first, she told them, but Charlie had told her she wanted everyone to see how proud she was of her wife, so Dorothy eventually agreed with displaying the book there. Gladly, Dean interrupted Charlie before she could tell them about the great sex the conversation had led to. “Too much information, Bradbury,” he said when Cas was already about to cover his ears.

“We’re proud of you, too,” Cas assured Dorothy. Though it was mainly directed towards kids in their teens, he had also really enjoyed the book and considered it suitable for all ages. Dorothy would surely go places as an author, Cas was certain of that.

Charlie and Dorothy were also a great team in the kitchen and prepared a great dinner for their friends. After dessert Charlie made them watch a slideshow of the photos they had taken on their vacation and they had taken a lot.

“How many angles of that cliff do you have left? Couldn’t you sort them out a bit?” Dean asked, starting to complain after half an hour of Charlie’s presentation of New Zealand’s stunning nature.

“Can’t you appreciate the beauty of our planet?”

“Hey, babe, maybe we take a little break, get some more chips and beer,” Dorothy suggested, trying to avoid conflict.

“Fine,” Charlie said. “Later we’re continuing with Hobbinton, yay!”

“Finally,” Dean sighed, who obviously wasn’t really interested in the rest of New Zealand.

“Cas, would you help me in the kitchen, please?” Charlie asked.

Sluggishly, Cas rose from the comfy sofa, still full from all that food the girls had made him eat, and followed Charlie out of the room.

Charlie set a few empty beer bottles down on the kitchen counter and turned around to him.

“So, how’s everything going?” she asked casually.

“Well, I’ve been ignoring my mother’s phone calls for almost a week now and every time my phone makes a sound I’m immediately stressed out, fearing it could be her again,” he said. “I feel awful for behaving this way but I don’t think I’m strong enough to face my problems yet.”

“Aw, Cas, come here,” she said, moved closer and slung her arms around him.

“It’s fine, Charlie. I’m fine. I’ve got you and Dorothy and Dean.”

“Yeah, about that,” she said and let go of him. “I’m worried, you know, about Dean.”

“Why?”

“Because of you, dumbass.”

“Excuse me?”

“After the wedding Dean told me what happened between you. In college, I mean.”

Cas furrowed his eyebrows. “What exactly are you referring to?”

She stepped up to him again, continuing in a lower voice, “The party night, when you were drunk.”

Cas hitched a silent breath and automatically backed away from her. “You know?”

“Cas, I understand you panicked afterwards. You could’ve talked to me.”

“I was scared, okay? Dean was my best friend and the idea that he could be more freaked me out. It may not have been the best way to deal with the situation, but ignoring it seemed right to me back then. I’ve dealt with it later, at the seminary.”

“Dean was really hurt when you decided to become a priest. Now I know why he was so upset—because he had you for a moment and was hoping to get you back eventually, but then you chose a way that made it impossible for the two of you to ever be together.”

Cas didn’t reply. He knew very well that all of Charlie’s words were the truth.

“I’m just worried the whole thing could repeat itself. What if you wake up one morning and tell Dean you made a mistake quitting and disappear from his life again? I don’t think he would be able to cope with this a second time…even if you’re just friends now. You are just friends, right?”

Cas inhaled deeply through his nose. “I wouldn’t do that to him, Charlie. Not again. My decision is final, I won’t be going back.” About the other thing he wasn’t so sure. He hadn’t really thought about it, actually. They had been reunited for only a week and Cas was still mentally stuck in the certainty of never being able to have a romantic partner that came along with joining the clergy. Even if Dean would have liked to be with him like this—and Cas was almost certain he wouldn’t—he was not ready to even think about being in a relationship. He had made his peace with being on his own forever…at least that’s what he’d used to tell himself.

Officially, he was still a deacon and he needed to honor what this meant. He owed God to keep up this part of his promise until his status had changed from clergy to laity. This could take a long time, but… Well, on the other hand he had already betrayed Him and acted against his vows, so why still be loyal?

“Cas, are you alright?” Charlie asked him with concern in her voice. For a moment he had forgotten he was not alone.

“I guess we’re just friends, yes. I mean, we haven’t talked about anything and I don’t have the impression Dean would even want to pursue a relationship with me and I spent years being certain I would never have that and this made me sad sometimes because I saw all these people having a partner and kids and—”

“Cas, you’re babbling. It’s okay, I’m sorry I asked,” she said and rubbed his back.

“I think I want to continue listening to your step by step retelling of your vacation now,” he told her, shaking slightly as he spoke.

“Yes, we can do that,” Charlie said softly. “Let me just grab some beers from the fridge.”

“Hey, you alright?” Dean asked when they had returned to the living room, noticing Cas’s bleary eyes. The fact that Dean had a hand on his back as Cas sat down next to him didn’t really help.

“I might have upset him by bringing up his current situation,” Charlie explained for him while handing her wife a beer.

Dorothy leaned over from where she was sitting on Dean’s other side and placed a hand on his knee. “Maybe we can do this a bit faster now,” she told Charlie.

“Alright,” she said, “there you go. This is our adventure in The Shire.”

Cas was aware of Dean turning his head every few minutes, checking on him, and every once in a while he dropped a reassuring pat on his knee.

Charlie’s presentation made him forget for a while and was a welcome aid in restoring his bubble.

When they were back home one and a half hours later, brushing their teeth next to each other in front of Dean’s bathroom mirror, he was almost as relaxed as he had been before talking to Charlie. Or maybe he was simply exhausted from the tons of photos he’d had to view earlier this evening. They rinsed their mouths and put their toothbrushes back into their respective holders and Cas headed out into the hallway, turning around briefly at the door of Dean’s bedroom, wishing his friend a good night.

“Cas, wait,” Dean said and walked over to him. He stared at him for a moment and then folded his arms around Cas’s back, hugging him tightly. Cas hesitated for a second, but then he returned the embrace and leaned into it, their heads brushing against one another.

After a minute, Dean let his arms drop and withdrew slightly. “Good night,” he said, his tone warm and gentle. Cas didn’t repeat himself but beamed at Dean for a second with tired eyes before walking down to his room. He only heard Dean close his door after he had shut the guest room door behind himself, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I'm done, I can tell you that this fic is going to have 15 chapters. We're almost there...


	12. Tearing Down The Walls

Dean had given Cas his mountain bike, so he could get around a little on his own. Cassie had actually made him buy it but, so Dean had told him, they had never gotten around to actually making a tour. The bike was in good shape and the only thing Cas had had to do before riding it the first time was to get some air into the tires.

Cas liked the wind surging through his hair as he cycled across the neighborhood and beyond, yet never going too far away from Dean’s house. It felt good to be a little less dependent on Dean driving him and to get out of the house for more than his occasional run. When the temperatures outside would have gotten up some more, he would certainly take longer tours and explore other corners of Kansas City.

Also, the biking was another kind of workout and Cas was glad to get some diversion from running. Yet, when he got back home again, there was not much else to do. He had spent the last three weeks catching up on TV shows on Netflix and Dean had shown him the most important movies from recent years, but staring at a screen for hours, day in day out, wasn’t really a satisfying occupation.

His friends had encouraged him to look for places to volunteer, so Cas had done some research online, even considered getting an actual job. He’d had more than one argument with Dean over the expenses Cas said he caused him by living in his house which had ended every time with Dean telling him to stop being silly and that he made more than up for it with cleaning the house, cooking, doing the laundry and just being there.

Eventually, Dorothy told Cas about a center a woman she had meet at one of her readings at the library had been talking about and that she liked to help out there from time to time. The location was at the other end of town and Dean drove him there in his Impala to check it out. Cas felt a bit dumb for having his friend accompany him, yet he was glad he didn’t have to go there on his own the first time.

The center was led by one Pastor Boyle and offered support for all kinds of people in need. They had meals for those who couldn’t afford to feed their families themselves, they held AA meetings and provided assistance for drug addicts. There were also a group for women in abusive relationships and a youth group to keep the kids off the streets.

Pastor Boyle—or Buddy Boyle, as the other volunteers had nicknamed him—welcomed Cas in person, telling him he was thankful for every person who found their way to his center. Dean had left him soon afterwards, having decided Cas was in good hands, and told him to give him a call when he was done.

Pastor Boyle showed Cas around and endorsed him to tell him a bit about himself. Cas hesitated, unsure whether to adjust the truth a little, but opted for being an open book to his fellow churchman, though being from a different church. They were all Christians anyway.

“Oh, so you have experience with social work,” Buddy Boyle noted and Cas grasped where that name had come from. He had only just met him but Cas instantly felt like he had known the pastor for years; a friend who he could confide in, regardless of the matter on hand.

“Yes, I’ve always liked to help people, ever since I was a kid. I was taught that charity and respect were most important when interacting with others,” Cas said, chuckling cynically inside his head at the word ‘respect.’ Respect was what had gotten him into the mess he was in.

“Well, you surely understand I can’t just entrust you with counseling one of our groups, but I’m confident you will get there after working in other positions for some time. Maybe, if you’ll bring me a CV the next time you’re here, I’ll see what I can do for you,” Pastor Boyle assured him.

“I’m grateful for any kind of work; I’m not picky. Just place me where help is needed the most,” Cas said.

“I like your spirit, young man. Let’s see, I guess we’ll need you sorting donations, clothing especially,” the pastor said as he walked Cas down a hallway. “Hello, someone there?” he called cheerfully inside a room.

“Pastor, hello, it’s good to see you,” a young dark-haired woman said after appearing from behind an aluminum rack that rose up to the ceiling, stacked full with boxes and all kinds of things.

“Tessa, meet Cas, the newest addition to our team,” he said.

“Hello, nice to meet you, I’m Tessa,” the woman said and offered Cas her hand.

Cas accepted it and told her, “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

“I’ll leave you two alone now,” Buddy Boyle announced. “Tessa will make you familiar with everything. My office is on the third floor if you need anything. Cas, we’ll talk soon on how to continue your contribution to our center. In the meantime you’re in good hands with Tessa here, I’m sure. Goodbye, Cas, Tessa,” he said, nodding politely at each of them, and left.

“Hey, so, I was just sorting clothes into season appropriacy—things for spring and summer go on this pile, those for fall and winter on this one,” she explained. “Tell me a bit about yourself while we do this.”

Tessa was excited to hear about his personal background and she told him about her job as a nurse and her boyfriend and they quickly bonded over Tessa telling him about her cat Persephone. “You named your pet after the wife of Hades?” Cas asked.

“She has black fur and the way she looks sometimes is really creepy, like she’s actually come straight from the underworld and wants to take you with her,” Tessa told him and laughed. “You know, when you’re a nurse and work at place where people die every day, your kind of humor becomes a bit macabre, I guess,” she said, still cackling slightly.

“Yeah, I get that,” Cas said, laughing along with her. He was certainly going to like it here.

And so it came that Cas took the bus three times a week to go to Buddy Boyle’s center and spend a few hours volunteering.

 

Dean was so happy for Cas to have found something to keep him busy again. He was also relieved to notice the occasions Cas was going to a dark place inside his head less and less often. It was good to have him still around after their friendship had been restored. Dean tried not to analyze their relationship and was happy instead to provide Cas with all the support he could give him. He had no clue what the future might bring for them; the important thing now was to get Cas back on track and to relieve him from his sorrows.

“I think I’m ready to call my mother,” Cas announced one Saturday evening.

“You can do this, I’m sure,” Dean encouraged him, rubbing his back as he sat next to him on the living room sofa. “I’ll leave you alone,” he said after a minute.

“No, Dean, please,” Cas said and held him in place by his arm. “Please stay with me while I’m talking to her.”

“It’s okay, Cas, I’ll stay.”

Cas took several deep breaths before he picked up his phone from the coffee table in front of them. He kept his gaze straight forward, clenching his jaw, the fingers of his free hand curling into a fist in his lap as he waited for his mother to answer the phone.

His breath hitched briefly, then he said hoarsely, “Mom?”

“Yes, it’s me. I’m sorry I waited so long to call you back.”

Dean couldn’t hear what Mrs. Novak was saying on the other end but he caught Cas trying to hold back tears, his bottom lip quivering slightly.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I know you must be very disappointed in me…hm? No, I…oh, Father Jim showed you the letter…mhm.”

Cas nibbled at a fingernail as he listened to his mother. Dean put a hand on his knee and squeezed it gently which caused Cas to cast him an anxious look out of the corner of his eye.

“Yes, I’m still at Dean’s. Oh, I, he’s fine, I guess,” he said, facing Dean now with a questioning expression. Dean nodded to signal him he was indeed alright. “Uh, yes, he’s fine…yeah, I’ll tell him that…mhm…I don’t know, it’ll take some time I’d say.”

He had stopped biting his fingernails and his shoulder relaxed visibly. “How’s dad? What does he say to this?... Okay…yes, I will do that. Love you too, mom. Hug dad for me, okay? Mhm… Bye.” After this he hung up and put the phone back on the table.

Dean was itching to ask Cas what they’d talked about but waited for Cas to tell him at his own pace.

“My mom says hi,” he started. “She wants me to tell you how grateful she is that you took me in.”

“Oh, uh, tell her any time,” Dean replied somewhat dumbly, not really sure what to say.

“She said it hurt her that I just left without saying goodbye but she understands my motivations after reading the letter I left with Father Jim in which I stated the reasons for my decision and she hopes and prays for me to be happy again soon.”

“That’s good, right?”

“Yes,” Cas said, a hint of a smile on his lips, “yes, it is.” Then the almost-smile vanished again and he swallowed heavily. “She also asked me about my status in the church and I have no idea how this is supposed to work out. I can never go back to Indiana, Dean.”

“Cas, I’m sure it isn’t that bad. And I’m pretty sure the Catholic Church doesn’t rule over the whole state. Or maybe you could convert if you think they will treat you awfully for the rest of your life.”

Cas looked at him with slight dismay. “Convert to what?”

“I don’t know…Pastor Boyle’s church for instance? If that’s something you’d even consider, I mean.”

Cas didn’t answer.

“Hey, Cas, you okay?” Dean asked eventually when Cas still hadn’t made a sound after a minute.

“It’s just…this church used to be my life. I thought it’d be for me until I die.” Cas ran two restless hands through his hair. “I don’t know, Dean, I don’t know.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Dean said and took him into his arms. “It’s nothing you have to decide now. This can wait, alright?”

Cas only hummed faintly in response before withdrawing from Dean’s embrace. “I think I’d like to take a bath to clear my head,” he said.

“Sure, I think I have some organic bath salt shit somewhere under the lavatory that Sam got me for Christmas a few years ago.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said and left to go upstairs.

He heard the water run for some time and then there didn’t come a single sound from upstairs for quite a while.

Cas had been in the tub for a really long time now and Dean had started to become worried about him. He might have fallen asleep and Dean had to make sure he wasn’t drowning, so he went to knock on the bathroom door. When his friend didn’t answer right away, Dean made a quick decision to invade Cas’s privacy and just walked into the room.

There, in the bathtub, Cas sat upright, only his hands and lower body in the water, staring at the tiled wall in front of him.

“Cas, is everything alright?”

Cas turned his head towards where Dean was standing as if he had only just now realized that Dean had entered the room. “Uh, yeah. Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in,” he said and returned to observing the blue tiles.

Dean furrowed his brows at Cas’s reply. He was definitely not alright.

“Cas, aren’t you cold? The bathwater is supposed to cover your upper body, too,” he said and quickly retrieved a washcloth from the cabinet behind the door. Then he walked over to the tub and kneeled on the mat in front of it. “Is it okay if I—?” he asked, about to dip the washcloth under water.

Cas glanced down at it and nodded, giving Dean permission to wash his back.

Dean started with simply wringing the soaked cloth out on his shoulders, letting the warm water pour down over the skin on his back, fighting back the gooseflesh Cas had gotten there from obviously being cold, like Dean had assumed. Then he altered his efforts to rubbing the washcloth over Cas’s back while applying firm pressure, feeling tense muscles ease through the wet fabric under his fingers. Afterwards he briefly repeated the first step and then gently proceeded to dab the cloth along Cas’s neck, shoulders and arms. Cas didn’t really react to any of the contact, only let it happen but Dean hoped it would do him good.

When he was done, he wrung the washcloth out one last time and placed it on the edge of the tub. Neither of them had spoken a word in the meantime.

Dean was about to stand up and straighten his legs which had fallen asleep when suddenly Cas turned his head and leaned closer. He watched him as Cas’s face move towards his and eventually their lips met. It was only a light kiss, no pressure, just for a brief moment.

“Why did you do that?” Dean asked in a hushed tone.

“Because I’m in love with you,” Cas stated simply, speaking in a low voice like him. “I fell in love with you a very long time ago.”

“Then why did you push me away?” Dean gasped.

“I wasn’t able to understand the nature of my feelings for you back then. I think I was afraid to admit I could be in love with my best friend.”

“I was in love with you, too, when we were in college,” Dean confessed.

“Yeah, I supposed you were,” Cas replied in honesty.

“You broke my heart.”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

“What do you want from me now? You told me you’re in love with me—and?”

“I just didn’t want to make the same mistake again. I’m in love with you but I know I can’t be expecting you to return those feelings. Too much has happened between us.”

Dean didn’t answer to that. Instead he said, “The water must be getting cold, and look at your rumpled hands; you should get out of the tub now.” He fetched the towel from the rail and held it spreading it out in front of his body. When Cas stood up, he had the decency not to peep at his friend’s nudity before wrapping the towel around him under his armpits. After he had helped Cas stepping out of the tub, he said, “I’ll be right outside,” and walked into his bedroom.

He waited patiently for Cas to dry off and get dressed, sitting at the end of his bed.

Cas had kissed him. _Cas was in_ _love with him. **Cas was in love with him.**_

The rest of his mind had turned into black void. He was completely spaced out.

As soon as Cas stepped out of the bathroom, Dean jumped from his bed, facing him as he stood there in his pajamas. They held each other’s gaze for a while until Cas brought up the courage to close the distance between them.

“Can we kiss again?” Dean asked under his breath and Cas skipped his reply in favor of surging forward right away to seal their lips together.

They were hungry kisses, no tongue though, but hasty and desperate, both men drawing heavy breaths through their noses while their mouths were otherwise occupied. Cas’s hands were on Dean’s face and neck, pulling him impossibly close, and Dean held Cas tight at the back of his head, burying his fingers into soft, dark hair.

“I love you, Cas,” Dean panted when they had stopped kissing without letting go of each other. “You broke my heart and it hurt like a bitch but I love you so much. Oh my god, Cas, it’s been so long since I fell in love with you for the first time.”

“Does this mean you want us to be together?” Cas asked, as much out of breath as Dean was.

“Only if you promise to never leave me again.”

“I promise, Dean, I won’t. I wanna be with you.”

“Then yes,” Dean replied and brought their lips together once more, this time sneaking the tip of his tongue into Cas’s mouth, startling him only for a split second, and then the other men’s tongue brushed over his. They deepened the kiss, Dean eventually moving to Cas’s jaw, kissing him there, about to draw his attention to his neck, but Cas pushed him back with a gentle hand on his chest.

“I think that’s enough for tonight,” Cas said, breathing heavily again. “I have to sleep over this to process and you do, too.”

Dean swallowed down the rush he felt pulsating through his veins. He could hear his own bloodstream in his ears. “Yeah,” he sighed weakly. The voice of reason had spoken. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Do you, do you wanna, uh—” He was too amped to form proper sentences.

“I’ll sleep in my room for tonight,” Cas replied.

“Yeah, cool, right. Night, Cas,” Dean babbled.

“Good night, Dean,” Cas said in a gentle tone, smiling softly at him. He placed a quick peck on Dean’s cheek before leaving for his own room.

Dean wasn’t even a little bit tired and how in the name of God was he supposed to sleep at all in the light of these new developments.

Cas was in love with him and he was in love with Cas and they had finally gotten together and everything Dean had ever dreamed of had become true.

He made a few push-ups, hoping this would tire him out but, of course, this didn’t work, so he made some sit-ups as well to keep him from running over into Cas’s room, wake him up and start making out with him until they were both so exhausted and sore from kissing that they’d pass out.

This didn’t work either, so he eventually crawled onto his mattress and under the covers, imagining how they would look like as a couple, how Cas would move into his room and how Dean would have him right beside him in his…their bed and how they were going to make love for the first time (for real, not fooling around while being drunk) and…

Slowly, Dean’s fantasy merged into sweet dreams and the pillow he was cuddling became Cas’s warm body against his.

 

The first thing Dean saw when he woke up in the morning was Cas sitting on his side of the bed, looking at him.

“Good morning,” Cas said cheerfully.

Dean had obviously been startled, but the moment passed quickly and he asked, his voice hoarse from sleep, “Where you watching me sleep?”

“I didn’t wanna wake you,” Cas said.

“So you were watching me while I was sleeping.”

Actually, Cas had been sitting there for half an hour already when Dean stirred awake. He hadn’t been able to sleep any longer and he couldn’t have waited one more minute to see Dean again. Not after he had finally confessed his feelings to him and Dean had agreed to start a relationship with him.

He had been quite upset after talking to his mother and realizing that the community he had grown up with would never really accept him as one of their own again. At least not all of them. In the eyes of God he would always be a man of the cloth; no amount of paperwork could ever change that.

When Dean had come to him while he’d been in the bathtub, he hadn’t wasted a single thought on what Dean being there with him meant while he was without any clothes on, the bathwater hardly concealing his nudity. The thought that Dean could be after something sexual hadn’t even crossed his mind. Dean had come to take care of him, to comfort him.

And for once Cas had not thought of himself as a burden and let Dean help him and appreciate why Dean did all these things. Because Dean loved him. And he loved Dean and why not try to make the most of their love and see where it would lead them? So Cas had boldly leaned in and done what he had, deep in his heart, wanted to do again ever since the first time they had kissed. And then Dean had kissed him, too, and told Cas he felt the same way about him and Cas was so much in love he felt like his heart would leap from his chest right into Dean’s hands and he would gladly leave it to him. As long as Dean had it, it was going to be safe.

“Did you sleep well?” Cas asked.

“I was dreaming about you,” Dean said, beaming at him, and Cas bent forward to steal a kiss.

“So, I gather not everything was a dream, huh?” Dean laughed softly.

“Nope,” Cas told him and kissed him once more and Dean seized him by the back of his head as he leaned back into the pillows, taking Cas down with him.

“You should get up soon,” Cas said after a few minutes of making out. “We’re having brunch with the girls, remember.”

Dean groaned as he let go of him. “Ugh, honestly, I forgot. I was distracted by the hottie here at my bedside, telling me he was in love with me and stuff, you know.”

Cas huffed a brief laugh, then stood up and pulled at Dean’s arm. “Come on, out with you. Clean up, get dressed.”

Dean whined, lamenting he was still tired but complied eventually and headed for the bathroom to do as he was told.

They were to meet Charlie and Dorothy at a nice restaurant which offered a huge brunch buffet every weekend and they had talked them into going there today. Cas would have much rather liked to stay at home with Dean and kiss and cuddle in their pajamas for a few more hours instead of leaving the house.

“Hey, guys! Over here,” Charlie called when they had arrived at the location, so they followed her voice and took their seats at the unoccupied side of the table after saying hello.

“Something’s different,” Charlie noticed immediately. “You got news?”

“Cas finally called his mother,” Dean replied.

Charlie was about to say something but Cas cut her off. “Really? That’s the first thing that comes to your mind?”

“Well, do you want to say it?” Dean asked.

Cas looked at both Charlie and Dorothy, then back to Dean. “You say it.”

Dean nodded before blurting, “Cas and I are together.”

The girls’ jaws dropped simultaneously but Charlie was the first to speak. “You mean like, _together_ together?”

“Yes,” Cas said with a broad smile on his face.

“But…how? When?” Charlie stumbled.

“Just last night,” Dean informed her.

“I, uh,” Charlie gasped but this was all she managed to add.

“I’m so happy for you guys. This is awesome,” Dorothy said instead.

“We’re very happy, too, right?” Dean asked Cas, smiling softly at him.

“Yes, we are,” Cas confirmed and they kissed briefly. Charlie made a squeaking sound at that, her eyes about to pop out of their holes.

“I think I’m going to cry,” she whined. “This is so beautiful. Honestly, I never actually thought you’d get it together one day but I’m so glad you finally did!”

“Brunch is on us today,” Dorothy declared and when Charlie had calmed down, they left their table to make their way to the buffet.

As Cas was putting some bacon on his plate, Charlie stepped up to him and placed her free hand on his back. “Oh, Cas,” she said. “It’s been ten years. Ten years I’ve been rooting for you to get together, can you believe it? There were some minor setbacks, of course, like you entering a seminary, but you’ve made it against all odds. And you really are sure about this? You won’t get cold feet?”

“Charlie, I’ve never been so sure of something in my life. Dean is the one for me. The only one and I will never ever leave him again,” Cas assured her.

“Good. That’s good to hear. I’m happy for you, really. You guys make an amazing couple.”

“Thank you, Charlie. I appreciate your words.”

When he returned to the table, he kissed Dean again after he’d sat down. It had been too long since the last time they had kissed. The right side of his body was tingling with electricity as he felt Dean’s warmth radiating against him. He was in love like he had never been before.

 

They had spent the rest of the day cuddled up in comfy clothes on the living room couch, kissing, occasionally paying attention to the TV, kissing some more and just holding each other and repeating love confessions over and over again.

It was cheesy. If his life had been a romantic movie, Dean would’ve puked by now, but he had waited so long for this to happen that he didn’t care at all. He’d had quite a few partners before Cas but none of them had made him feel like he did. He even had loved some of them, but not like he loved Cas. He had always been there, in the back of his mind, in a special corner of his heart, even when they’d been apart and Dean had been with someone else.

“Dean, I have to confess something. I want to tell you now because I don’t want any secrets standing between us that could destroy our relationship,” Cas said out of nowhere as Dean was retelling their love story in his head while being snuggled up to his boyfriend.

“You’re scaring me, Cas,” Dean said and shifted back to sit on his legs.

“When we were in college, during our junior year,” he paused, running a hand through his hair, “I accidentally saw you,” another pause, a deep breath, “masturbate.”

Dean didn’t say anything, confusion obvious on his face.

“I had left for my study group but I forgot my book so I came back and your door was slightly open and I peeped through the crack and you lay there with your hand around your… And I might have been staring for a moment. I was just so shocked I couldn’t move and…” He looked so guilty, it was almost adorable if it weren’t kind of sad. “I had to force myself to avert my eyes and I did but I just stood there, behind the wall and I’m pretty sure I heard you say my name—I’m so, so sorry, Dean, I shouldn’t have done… This has been haunting me for years.”

Dean still didn’t know what to say to this. So Cas had watched him…while he got himself off. The thought of it was kinda sexy.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” Cas begged.

Dean took his face into his hands to make sure Cas was looking him in the eye. “Don’t be silly, Cas. Why should I be mad? Like you said, it was an accident. And I would probably have stared much longer had I been in your position.”

“You forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive. Now come here,” he said and pressed Cas’s face to his chest. Dean dropped kisses all over his face, then asked, “Did this happen before or after we did, you know?”

“Before,” Cas replied. “I think what we did just happened because of this incident. That was actually the first time I realized I was attracted to you. Your masturbating was pretty arousing.”

Dean smirked. “My jerking off got you all hot and bothered, huh?” he said teasingly.

“Maybe,” Cas said and blushed, sheepishly avoiding Dean’s eyes.

“Don’t you think you owe me some?”

“What do you mean?”

“You already got your show. It’s time I get mine, too. We really shouldn’t start our relationship on uneven grounds, don’t you think?”

“Are you saying you want me to masturbate in front of you?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Why not, Cas?”

The color in his face reached an even darker shade of red. “Because I… I would find that highly embarrassing. I’m not really good at that, I guess. What if I look dumb, doing, you know…”

“You won’t look dumb.” Dean’s cocky grin faltered a little. “But I understand if you might need some practice. I mean, when was the last time you got off?” Now Dean was the one with a flush blooming on his cheeks. “How many years have you gone without… You know what, you don’t have to answer that.”

“Do you think I never touched myself after I’d dedicated my life to the church?”

“Yeah. No. Have you?”

A shy smile spread on Cas’s face.

“You did, haven’t you? Lying on your bed in your holy attire, about to sin.” Images began to rush through Dean’s head. Dirty, dirty images.

“I wasn’t sinning,” Cas said, affronted. “And I was usually in my pajamas, like I’m now.”

The short hair on Dean’s neck stood up and something in his pants stirred awake. Fuck, he was developing a priest kink.

He licked his lips before he spoke. “What were you thinking about?”

“Mostly I tried to think of nothing, just get it over with.”

“Oh, come on Cas. Give me something!” He was basically begging now. God, it was embarrassing how needy he sounded.

“Well, I let these thoughts in after I’d decided to dismiss my intended career, but sometimes there were memories…”

Dean had to moisten his lips again. “Yes? What memories?”

“You know, _those_ memories,” Cas said, his voice dropping incredibly low as he emphasized the word. “But I often added stuff in my head.”

“What stuff? Tell me, Cas. Please!” His neediness had reached a really awful level of humiliation, but fuck, he was too horny to even care.

“I think I’m in the mood now for a little demonstration,” Cas said instead of continuing his descriptions of what a naughty, naughty seminarian he had been.

“Dim the lights and sit over there,” he said in a surprisingly demanding tone and pointed at the recliner.

Dean did as he was told, rushing to get things started as soon as possible.

Cas sprawled out on the couch, shifting until he had found a comfortable position. Dean sat on the recliner, expectantly, with wide and hungry eyes.

“I’d start with the memories of our kiss. They’re a little vague. I was pretty drunk, as you possibly remember. But I’ll never forget the press of your lips on mine, the slickness of your tongue. You kissed me so eagerly and my head was spinning with how much you seemed to enjoy this. I did, too, as you could tell.” Cas’s eyes were closed, head against a pillow. His hand began to rub his crotch. “You were so arousing, I’d never felt like this before. Ever since I saw you that fateful evening, deep inside I knew I wanted you to touch me like I’d witnessed you touching yourself.”

“Fuck, Cas.” Dean could hardly keep it together. His fingernails were digging into the cushioned armrests of his seat, yet he refrained from pushing a palm against his semi. For now.

“We were both drunk but still you were so considerate and gentle. I wouldn’t have wanted to experience this with anyone but you.”

Dean’s heart was fluttering. He loved this man such much. Always had.

“I remember how you felt. This was all so new to me but _feeling_ you—” He moaned and Dean’s dick twitched in excitement. Cas’s hands slid past the waistband of his pajama bottoms and a content hum reached Dean’s ears as Cas was stroking himself under the flannel.

“Please, continue,” Dean croaked. His throat was so dry which was strange because he was salivating like Pavlov’s dog.

“Your warm hand on me…mmh, so good, Dean.”

Dean gasped. He wanted to take a look inside Cas’s head so badly. “What were you adding,” he swallowed, “to the memories?”

“You and me, naked. Completely, not just with our pants down. Your fingers gliding down my chest, slowly, while you kiss me. Your mouth on my neck, giving me goosebumps.” He was squirming, his hips slightly lifting off the couch every now and then in an unsteady rhythm.

“You’re moving closer, we’re touching, down there, in the middle. You’re so close, I can feel you.” His breath hitched every few words.

Dean couldn’t take it any longer and hurriedly pushed his sweats and underwear down. His eager grip was so tight it almost hurt. He wished he could see Cas’s cock. How beautiful it must be, so thick and hard and leaking.

Cas was breathing heavily across from him. And then, fuck yes, finally, he thrust down the textile that’s been shielding him from Dean’s greedy gaze. “Dean, you feel so good, yeah, god, Dean, touch me, touch me!” He was practically yelling and Dean’s eyes, formerly fixed on Cas’s throbbing dick, snapped up to Cas’s pleading look, realizing this wasn’t part of the fantasy any longer and Dean sped out of the recliner, over to the couch where Cas was desperate for his contact. Dean crushed into him, kissed him like a man starving, bringing their dicks together and clasping them with one hand, and worked his hand almost violently until they were both panting messes, coming all over Dean’s hand and Cas’s stomach.

“God, Cas, were you trying to kill me?” Dean said, still trying to stabilize his breathing. He hadn’t moved yet, still lay with Cas underneath him.

“You _begged_ me to do it,” Cas told him.

“Yes I did,” Dean replied, grinning from ear to ear. “I didn’t know how filthy your mouth is.”

“I never used any words that could be considered ‘filthy.’”

“You don’t need filthy words for a filthy fantasy, Cas. But it wouldn’t hurt if you said dick or cock instead of ‘down there.’”

Cas made a frowny face.

Dean laughed. “When I think about it, avoiding these words makes it even naughtier.”

“Get off me, you ass,” Cas said and pushed him back so he could get up.

“Ha, you said ass! Do it again, please!”

“Fuck you.”

“I’m definitely not opposed to tha—hmpf.” A pillow hit him in the face and shut him up.

He followed Cas into the kitchen where they cleaned themselves with paper towels. “I love you, Cas,” Dean said after that and crowded him up against the fridge.

“I love you too, Dean. I think it was fun, you know.”

“You mean your little show?”

“Mhm,” Cas hummed and caught Dean’s lips in a kiss.

“Will you come to bed with me tonight?” Dean asked, only a breath away from Cas’s mouth.

“Yes,” Cas sighed against his skin. “I missed sleeping next to you.”

“I did, too,” Dean said and moved to head upstairs, Cas clutching the hand he was offering him.

When they lay in bed, facing each other, Dean marveling the blue in Cas’s eyes and holding his hand, he continued his disclosure from before. “Sometimes I would wake up at night and look over to where you were sleeping in your bed, yearning to reach across the space and feel you. Or, when we had separate rooms, I’d put my hand on the thin wall and imagine you’d do the same on your side.”

“Dean, when did you become such a softie?” Cas teased him.

“Shut up! I’ve shed so many tears over you, just let me have this for a moment.”

Cas, in reply, turned on his other side and scooted closer until his back was flush with Dean’s chest. “You can have this for as long as you want,” he said as he draped one of Dean’s arms around his waist.

“I’ve done it, too, you know, the wall thing,” he murmured into his pillow and Dean pulled Cas even closer against him and soon they fell asleep like this, free to touch this time, without a wall or any other restraints keeping them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! ;)  
> When I wrote this, at first I thought their love declarations were a bit over the top, but I guess they deserve it after suffering for over 70k words. :)


	13. A New Family Member

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- butt sex, yay!  
> \- meet the parents part 1

Castiel’s life had pretty much improved since he’d left Indiana.

Who was he kidding…this obviously was a huge understatement. He had made a 180 degree turn by giving up his diaconate, coming to Kansas City and moving in with Dean. He was living as a civilian again and he was in a romantic relationship with his best friend who also happened to be the love of his life. The circumstances completely differed from what they had been not even three months ago.

He had also gotten to explore different stations at Buddy Boyle’s center but still worked mostly with Tessa at the donations department. She had become somewhat of a friend to him and this impression was confirmed when she asked him to have dinner with her and her boyfriend at their house.

“Does this mean I’d meet Persephone, too?” he asked excitedly.

“It sure does,” Tessa told him. “You can bring someone with you if you want.”

Cas didn’t exactly know what to make of the offer. Tessa was obviously suggesting some kind of romantic partner to accompany him but he wasn’t really sure if it’d be a good idea to mention that he was in a relationship with a man. They were working at an institution with an religious background and they’d never had any form of talk concerning their beliefs or world views and Cas knew too well from his old church how devout people could be. And the thing between him and Dean was fairly new after all.

“Uh,” Cas gaped in an attempt to come up with a reply.

“You could bring your boyfriend if you want.”

 _What?_ “What?” Of course, he had been talking about Dean a lot around her. They lived in the same house and he and the girls had been acting as some kind of substitute family as his real family lived far away in another state. So of course Tessa knew about Dean. But Cas had never referred to him as his boyfriend towards her.

“You know, couples’ night, if that’s your thing.”

“How do you… I mean, I’ve never said Dean was my boyfriend.”

Tessa slapped a hand over her mouth. “Ooh, I’m sorry, Cas. You know, the way you’re talking about him and the fact that you’re living together, I just assumed… Gosh, this is so embarrassing.”

“Nononono,” Cas rushed, waving his hand in dismissal. “You’re totally right, Dean is my boyfriend. It’s just… You have to know my church…my former church, I guess, never responded well to this whole, you know, gay thing.”

“Cas, I’m so sorry to hear that and I understand why you were afraid to tell me.”

“Thanks for inviting us, Tessa. I’ll ask Dean.”

“Great. We’re looking forward to having you over,” she said and they returned to updating the inventory of their stock.

Pastor Boyle had also had a look at his CV in the meantime and scheduled him for tryout counseling of their youth group next week. Cas was very excited to finally get this opportunity.

His relationship with Dean was also going really well. Charlie and Dorothy were very supportive, of course, but he hadn’t dared to tell anyone else yet about the change of his relationship status. He’d been talking to Meg twice in the meantime but hadn’t been able to bring up the courage to tell her. She would probably tell Michael and he would tell their parents and then everyone else would know and make up some a strange story about how their deacon had taken off to live in sin with his _boy_ friend.

Maybe his handling of the situation wasn’t fair to Dean but he only wanted to protect him from their disgrace. Or maybe he just wanted to protect himself.

Everything was fine, so why would they need to know? He loved Dean, Dean loved him and they had finally gotten together and this certainly wasn’t anyone else’s business.

This morning, Cas was on his run through the neighborhood when he once again thought how good Dean’s love was for him. He’d had a bad feeling about letting things go sexual at first but it just felt so good and he wanted Dean so much that he realized if God wouldn’t have wanted him to be with his boyfriend like this then he wouldn’t have brought him back to Cas in the first place.

He had never really been with anyone besides Dean (Mandy obviously didn’t count) and only Dean could make him actually want this. They hadn’t done so much yet, only the touching with their hands and the rutting together until they’d both come. Dean had also wanted to blow him on one occasion but then his dad had called and wouldn’t shut up for hours and considering that Dean hadn’t told his parents about them being together either and that Mr. Winchester had hated Cas when they were younger, they hadn’t been in the mood for anything afterwards.

It didn’t look like it was going to be a particularly warm day but he had gotten notably damp under his arms and around his neck which was funny because he hardly ever broke out in sweat during his runs unless it was under the heat of the summer sun. Perhaps he had put on a layer too many today. He only ever felt like this when he and Dean… _oh._

Cas was suddenly very glad to wear rather tight underwear under his track pants. He had been so lost in thought that he hadn’t realized how aroused he’d become while thinking about the times he and Dean had gotten intimate with each other.

He took a turn to cut his route short and headed home. It was almost impossible and rather uncomfortable to run like this.

 

Dean was on the phone with Sam who reminded him that he and Jess were coming to Lawrence and he was supposed to pick them up at the airport. Neither his parents nor his brother knew about Cas yet. His father was still upset about the break up with Cassie and called every few weeks to check if they had maybe gotten back together. It was probably time for disclosure.

“Hey, uh, Sammy,” he said and could almost hear Sam rolling his eyes. “Would you mind if I brought someone, too?”

“You mean to mom and dad? Did you meet someone? Who is it?” Sam sounded really excited all of a sudden.

He had only ever told his mother how he had felt about Cas but Sam had probably picked up on a few things.

“It’s Cas, Sammy,” he said quickly. “Cas has been living with me for some time now and we’re in love and together. No further inquiry, please. We can talk about it when you’re here.”

“Wow, Dean, that’s…I mean, I’m happy for you, honestly, but are you sure about this?

I know you were in love with him when you were in college and I also know how upset you were when he chose to become a priest. You didn’t leave your room for almost two weeks after coming home from North Carolina.”

“No, Sam, I have absolutely no doubts about this…about him. Yes, he was the reason for some major heartbreak but now we’re fine and I love him and I wanna be with him.”

“Then that’s great for you, I guess. Just be careful.”

“Yes, mom,” Dean replied childishly.

“Don’t act like a baby. You’re my brother and I love you and I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I know, Sammy. Thank you. But hey, um, please don’t tell the parents,” Dean pleaded.

“Of course not. You gotta do this yourself. Good luck by the way…” Yeah, he would need a lot of it telling his father that instead of marrying Cassie he had started a relationship with another guy. John had hated all of his boyfriends, even the ones he’d never gotten to meet. “But you should at least inform mom that you’re bringing someone,” Sam told him.

“Yeah, I know,” Dean sighed. “Hey, we’ll talk another time. I have to go to work.”

“Yes, me too. Bye!”

“Bye, and hug Jess for me,” he told his brother.

When he hung up, the front door opened and Cas walked in. His face was red and there were sweat stains on his sweater along his neck and under his arms. “You look like you’ve overdone it today,” Dean noted.

Cas was panting and fidgeting weirdly with his pants. “Dean, can I ask you something?”

“Sure…Cas, are you alright?”

“Can we,” he started, swiping away the sweat from his forehead. “Can we have sex?”

Dean’s worried expression changed into a soft smile, moving closer to Cas. “Oh, babe, I’d love to, but I really need to go now,” he said and gave him a light kiss on the lips.

“No, I didn’t mean now. But maybe tonight.”

“Cas, of course, why do you even ask?”

“Because I’d like to… I want to fuck, okay?”

Dean eyes grew wide at that. “You…? You want to…? Okay…”  
“Only if that’s alright,” Cas tried to trivialize the proposition.

“No, it’s totally…I’m completely on board,” Dean assured him. “It’s just…have you thought about who should fuck who?”

Cas’s already flushed face reddened a bit more. “I, oh, I thought, maybe… I mean I’ve never done this before, so maybe if I could…”

“Fuck me?” Dean finished for him.

“Yes,” Cas affirmed anxiously.

Dean cupped Cas’s face with his hands and said, “I’m looking forward to it.”

Cas smiled and breathed out in relief. They kissed, only for a minute because Dean was already running late, but certainly not lacking the passion in anticipation of the sex they were going to have soon, and then Dean had to leave.

He was all giddy when he got behind the steering wheel of his car. So Cas wanted to fuck. Dean was getting it up his ass tonight. He imagined what Cas’s beautiful cock would feel like breeching his tight hole. It had been a long time since Dean had gotten fucked in the ass. And he had missed it. And ever since he had seen it for the first time he had wondered how it would be to have Cas’s thick cock inside him. He’d been drunk and his memories were foggy, but recently he had been able to get a much better picture and he was sure Cas was going to make him feel so good tonight.

And he was going to make him feel good, too. Shit, this was Cas’s first time actually fucking and Dean knew how he could be about these things and he just hoped he could make this a great experience for him. Cas deserved this. He deserved all of Dean’s love and his body and Dean was willing to give it to him.

For a moment he considered calling in sick and return to his boyfriend to be with him in a way they hadn’t been before but he was an adult and he had responsibilities and sex with Cas would have to wait until after work.

However, Dean had a hard time concentrating during the day with the expectation of the man he loved fucking him…especially after seeing him after his run this morning, flushed and disheveled, sweaty and completely exhausted. That’s what he would look like tonight, spent and utterly satisfied.

Then he remembered that he should call his mother. It was probably for the best to do this now, so he wouldn’t have the unpleasantness of this unnerving conversation sitting on his shoulders when he and Cas would get to it.

“Dean, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Mary greeted him.

“Hey, mom. I’m just calling because of us visiting in two weeks and I wanted to ask if it’s okay to bring someone, too.”

“Oh sure, honey!” she said cheerfully. “Tell me about them. Is it a girlfriend or a boyfriend?”

Dean hesitated for a second. “Boyfriend,” he replied briefly.

“Great!” Dean knew she really meant it. “Come on, don’t be shy. I wanna know more about him.”

“You already know him, mom.” He sighed. “It’s Cas.”

It took her a moment to process. “Cas? _The_ Cas? I thought he became a priest.”

“He quit,” Dean told her. “Anyway, so is it okay if he tags along with us?”

“Dean, wait. So he quit…and? How long have you been together? Why haven’t you told me that you finally got together with the boy you’ve been in love with for almost ten years?”

“I told you now, and it hasn’t been that long. Not even two weeks…though he has been living with me for almost three months.”

“You live together?” his mother exclaimed.

“Yeah, well, he needed a place to stay when he ditched the church and I offered him my guest room… Could you prepare dad for this a little, please?”

“Of course, dear. I’ll talk to your father and make sure he behaves nicely when you come here with Cas for Sam’s birthday.”

“Thanks, mom,” he croaked and his mother knew for sure about the amount of gratefulness he wasn’t really able to put into words right now.

“I’ll see you soon,” she said and Dean could hear her smiling as she spoke. “I’m so happy for you.”

After they’d hung up, Dean decided to worry about his boyfriend Cas, of whom John had disapproved before, meeting him again when the time came. Instead he got back to imagining Cas’s hard dick up his ass.

 

When Dean got home later, he basically ran up to the house from his car. He had made a brief stop at the drugstore to buy a bottle of lube and noticed that Cas hadn’t returned from the center yet but had texted him he was going to be there in thirty minutes. Dean used the time to have a nice hot shower and clean himself properly.

As he stepped out of the steamy bathroom, he spotted Cas sitting on the bed. “I caught an earlier bus,” he said.

“Cool,” Dean replied and walked towards Cas who rose to his feet. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” Cas echoed.

They stood close, Cas fully dressed and Dean only in a towel. “Do you want to talk before…uh.”

“I’d say learning by doing is probably the favorable option,” Cas murmured.

“Good,” Dean exhaled and caught Cas’s lips in a kiss.

They kissed for a while, Dean starting to slowly undress Cas until he had only his boxer briefs left on. Cas untied his towel and let it drop to the floor. Dean was half-hard and he could see Cas, too, was on the best way to become fully erect. He slid his finger under the waistband of his underwear and pushed it downwards until Cas could easily step out of it. Then Dean positioned himself on the bed, lying on his back and signaled Cas to follow him.

“Are you nervous?” Dean whispered.

“A little,” Cas replied in a low voice.

They kissed again, Cas gradually moving downwards with his mouth, dragging his lips along his jaw and neck, sucking his way all the way down along Dean’s chest and stomach until he reached his hips.

“Here,” Dean said, holding out the lube for him.

“What do I do?” Cas asked.

“Warm some of it up between your finger, then start carefully pressing one in. I’ll tell you when you can add a second finger.”

“Okay,” Cas said and took the bottle out of his hand.

He watched Cas, giving him encouraging looks as he followed Dean’s instructions and soon he felt a slick finger at his entrance. “Yeah, that’s it, you can use more pressure,” he reassured his boyfriend. Luckily, he had played with himself in the shower earlier to make it easier for Cas and himself.

“Now another one,” Dean said. He could feel that Cas was still anxious he could do something wrong but so far he was doing fine. Then Cas’s fingers brushed over his prostate and Dean’s hips jerked slightly.

Cas stopped immediately. “Did I hurt you?” he worried.

“No, Cas, that was good, do it again,” and Dean released a long exhale as Cas obliged. “You’re doing so good, baby.”

Cas became more confident with the time and arched over Dean again to bring their lips back together. They kissed slowly while Cas kept fucking him with his fingers. Eventually, Dean told him to pull out, grabbed a condom from the nightstand and tore it open. He was confident Cas didn’t have any STDs and he himself got tested after breaking up with Cassie, but he chose to use a rubber for Cas’s first time so he wouldn’t be overstimulated and come too soon. After pulling the condom over Cas’s cock, he applied more lube and stroked him a few times to get him fully hard. Then he lay back against his pillow again and spread his legs a little further. Cas settled between them and Dean guided him until his swollen head hit his rim.

“Push,” he said, “but slowly.”

Cas let out a long breath as he moved inside Dean and Dean noted with satisfaction how good Cas filled him up.

He took a few deep breaths to adjust to the thickness, then he made sure Cas was still okay.

“You feel so good, Dean,” he said.

“You feel good, too, Cas, so good. Now move,” he told him and Cas pulled back and then his hips snapped all the way back in again.

“Cas, fuck, keep going!” Dean exclaimed and his boyfriend did as he was told.

He soon found a rhythm and when Dean repositioned his hips slightly, Cas started hitting the sweet spot that caused a rush of electricity running up his spine with almost every thrust.

They had exchanged kisses in between but now both men were too busy concentrating on the feeling in lower regions. Dean noticed sweat glistening on Cas’s forehead again, making dark strands of hair stick to the skin. His hands roamed over his lover’s back, feeling the dampness there too and the flex of muscles every time Cas pushed into him. Dean let his finger slide over Cas’s broad shoulders, down onto his arms, circling the bicep on both sides and digging his fingertips into hot flesh.

 _God, Cas, you’re so thick and strong,_ he wanted to say put only a prolonged moan escaped his throat.

Cas was panting into the crook of his neck and Dean sensed he was getting close, so he reached between them and fisted his cock, jerking himself in time with Cas’s thrusts.

“You’re doing so good, Cas, so good,” he let Cas know between short breaths and then Cas’s hips stuttered and he came with Dean’s name on his lips.

Dean kept working his dick for a bit longer but his own orgasm followed soon after and he spilled over his hand and on their stomachs. Cas pulled out with ease and rolled onto Dean’s side, still catching his breath.

Dean breathed an _I love you_ against his check and Cas angled his head to kiss him.

“I love you, too,” Cas replied under his breath. “This was good, wasn’t it?”

“It was awesome,” Dean confirmed.

“I’m glad I got to do this with you. I wouldn’t have wanted to be like this with anyone else,” Cas told him when his breathing had steadied. Dean gave him a quick kiss and helped him pull off the condom without spilling come. Then he rushed into the bathroom and returned with a damp towel and started to clean them up.

“Can we do this again tomorrow?” Cas asked afterwards.

“Tomorrow is Saturday. We won’t have to leave the bed for the entire day,” Dean said, cocking an eyebrow and hauled the covers over them when he had cuddled up against Cas’s side.

“Cas,” he said after a while, not sure if his boyfriend had already fallen asleep.

“Yes, Dean?”

“We have to visit my parents together with Sam and his girlfriend in two weeks.”

Cas didn’t reply but Dean noted his body had tensed next to him.

“Everything is going to be fine. I won’t let him hurt you again,” Dean reassured.

“I know,” Cas whispered and hugged him a little tighter.

 

Cas was dreading the day they had to go to Lawrence and see Dean’s parents. Of course there would be Sam and his girlfriend Jessica whom he’d really love to meet and Mrs. Winchester had always been nice but the memory of John Winchester basically calling him a failure still stung in his chest. And Cas also knew that Mr. Winchester wasn’t very happy about his son being into men and these two facts combined weren’t very promising for their reunion.

Dean had kept telling him not to worry during the past two weeks and when the day eventually arrived, Cas sent out one last prayer before they had to leave and go to the airport.

Cas gaped when he caught sight of Sam walking towards them. He was sure Dean’s brother had grown even more since their graduation day and was rather intimidated by the giant currently pulling his boyfriend into thick arms.

“Hey, I’m Jess. You must be Cas,” the blonde girl who had arrived with him said while the brothers hugged.

“Yes, hello. Nice to meet you,” Cas replied and was about to offer his hand but she ignored it and instead pulled him into an embrace as well.

“Woah, hey, that’s my man,” Dean said jokingly and took his turn at hugging her after she’d let go of Cas. “It’s so good to see you,” he said. “But why did you have to bring him?”

Jessica laughed and Sam rolled his eyes. “So, Dean, that’s the guy, huh?” she said, looking at Cas.

“Yes, that’s Cas,” Dean confirmed proudly and rubbed his boyfriend’s back.

“I feel like I’m on display or something,” Cas said.

“You are, babe. No need to hide my beautiful boyfriend,” Dean said, grinning, and Cas was certain his face had turned beet-red.

“Hello, Sam,” Cas said in lieu of letting himself get even more embarrassed and reached out a hand.

“If you hurt him again, I’m gonna break your legs,” Sam deadpanned and Cas quickly backed away from him. “Just kidding,” he said, his frown turning into a smile, and shook Cas’s hand. “Glad to meet you again, Cas, really.”

“Yeah, you too,” Cas replied cautiously.

“We better go,” Dean said, took Cas by his hand and Sam and Jess followed them to the car.

The drive to Lawrence was over sooner than Cas would’ve preferred and he was still feeling like passing out any moment, despite Dean having held his hand for almost the entire drive.

They let Sam and Jessica go ahead and Mary opened the door to greet them. “How is my birthday boy?” she said as she put her arms around her younger son’s back. “Did you have a good flight?”

“We’re fine, mom,” Sam said and stepped back so that she could welcome Jess too.

After she had sufficiently hugged everyone else around, Mary directed her attention towards Cas. “Castiel, welcome back! It’s so nice to have you here again.”

“Thanks for having us, Mrs. Winchester,” he said.

“Ah, call me Mary,” she replied and embraced him as well.

“Where’s dad?” Dean asked when everyone had entered the house.

“He’s putting burgers on the grill,” Mary told him and Dean signaled Cas to follow him into the backyard.

“Hey, dad!” he said when he saw John watching the meat getting done.

“Dean, get yourself a beer from the fridge and bring me one too, would ya? Where’s your brother and his lovely lady?”

“Can we say hello first, please? They’re upstairs, bringing their stuff into their room.”

Mr. Winchester had hardly looked up from the grill since they’d come outside. He huffed loudly before turning towards Dean. “Hey, Dean. How’s everything going?” he said and clapped a hand on his son’s back.

“Everything’s fine. Cas, come here, say hi to my dad,” Dean said and Cas carefully walked up to them.

“Hello, nice to meet you again, Mr. Winchester,” he said, holding out his hand for him.

John glanced at the hand dismissively and mumbled, without accepting it, “Hey.”

Dean whispered something close to his father’s ear and eventually John sighed. “Welcome to our home, Cas,” he said and reached for Cas’s hand. Cas made sure to grip his hand tightly but Mr. Winchester grasped his even more firmly and was almost certain he was being left with a few broken bones. Yet, Cas did his best not to let it show.

“Now bring me that beer, please,” John said and Dean walked Cas back into to house.

“My hand hurts,” he told Dean when he was taking two cans of beer out of the refrigerator.

“Here,” he said and gave him one of the beers.

“Dean, I don’t—”

“It’s mine. Cool your hand with it while I bring dad this one,” Dean said and gritted his teeth as he proceeded to leave the house again.

“Where is everyone?” All of a sudden Sam had appeared behind him in the kitchen, Jess in tow.

“Uh, Dean and your father are outside,” Cas said and they walked out to greet John as well, leaving Cas all by himself. It was awkward but he would have to see Mr. Winchester all too soon again anyway, so he decided to stay where he was.

“Cas, great, a helping hand!” Mary sighed when she saw him there. “Come, help me set the table,” she told him and handed him a stack of plates after Cas had put the beer down on the kitchen counter. “How did it go with John?” she asked as they arranged the dining room table.

“I’m not so sure,” he replied honestly.

“He’ll get used to it,” she said. “After all, you’re not the first boyfriend Dean’s bringing home.”

“Yeah, but I think he dislikes me in particular.”

“You’re a great man, Cas. And you’re good for Dean, I’m sure. I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time,” Mary said. “Oh, Dean, there you are.”

Dean had come into the dining room and didn’t look happy at all, the beer he was holding presumably the one Cas had been cooling his hand with. “Cas, I promise, we won’t stay longer than necessary. Sorry, mom.”

“What did he do?” his mother asked.

“He told me how big of a mistake it was to break up with Cassie, apparently the most perfect woman for me who would’ve certainly made a great wife.”

Mary groaned. “Not again. I’ll talk to him,” she said and left.

“I’m so sorry, Cas,” Dean told him, framing his face with his hands and pulling him in for a kiss.

“It’s not your fault,” Cas said.

Sam and Jess joined them, the younger Winchester brother carrying a big bowl with greens in it. “We’ve got salad!” he announced.

“Where’s the real food?” Dean asked.

“Here are the buns,” Jess said and after her Mary came in with the burgers.

“Who wants beer?” John called from the kitchen and Sam and Jess replied with a ‘me.’ Cas rather stuck to ice tea, though he felt like he could use a drink.

They talked about Sam’s internship at a law firm for a while and that he hoped to get a regular job there afterwards. John dropped occasional hints about possible plans to propose to Jessica but Sam stated he wanted to get settled in his job first before even thinking about getting married.

When the last burger was eaten up, John obviously decided it was time to put Cas on the grill next.

“Tell us, Cas, what’s your job again?”

He took a deep breath before replying, “I don’t have an actual job at the moment but I’m volunteering as a social worker. I want to do more counseling in the future.”

“So you don’t get paid? You’re living at Dean’s house, probably eat the food he pays for… Must be very easy-going for you. I mean, I’d like not to have to work for my money either.”

The entire table had awkwardly silenced. Cas could see Dean boiling with anger.

“I know I’m lucky to have your son’s support allowing me to work without payment,” he said, calming Dean by putting a hand on his shoulder. “I’m glad I got a chance to continue the work that made me chose a church career and it might sound strange to you that someone likes to do a job for free for people they don’t even know, but I am more than thankful for getting to help them. Their joy is my reward.”

He glanced at Dean out of the corner of his eye and he could see the pride in his eyes. “You should be really glad to have a son like Dean who made all this possible without asking for anything in return. I, at least, thank God every day for knowing Dean and having him in my life. He’s the best man I’ve ever had the honor to know.” Then he turned his head to face Dean and took his hand. “And the fact that he loves me and wants to be with me is more than I could’ve ever asked for.” Dean’s eyes were a bit glassy but Cas was sure he wouldn’t have wanted anyone to point it out.

“Oh, and by the way,” he resumed, “although I didn’t want to tell anyone before everything was set, Pastor Boyle offered me a job. One I’m actually getting paid for. It’s not much, of course, given that the center is mostly funded by charity, but as a regular counselor I’ll be getting something at least.”

“Cas, why didn’t you tell me? That’s wonderful,” Dean said and wrapped his arms around him. “I’m so proud of you,” Dean told him and, despite his father sitting right there with them at the table, kissed him.

Cas noticed that John’s face had turned dark from the rage he had been bottling up. He was clenching his jaw before eventually opening his mouth. “None of this matters,” he said, still keeping it together, but speaking with determination. “Dean’s turning thirty next year. He better stop fooling around and think about starting a family. He needs to find a wife. I don’t know what’s gotten into him that he gave up on Cassie but I assume you have something to do with this.”

“Dad!” Dean shouted. “Shut the fuck up with this bullshit. Cassie wasn’t the one for me and me breaking up with her is not Cas’s fault. I love him, he makes me happy and I could have a family with him as well.”

“He’s a _guy!_ ” John unnecessarily pointed out.

“You should decide what’s more important to you, Mr. Winchester,” Cas spoke up again, “accepting that your son is bisexual and had a fifty-fifty chance of falling in love with another man, or that he marries a woman who he’s not entirely happy with. Would you really rather see Dean miserable just to please you?”

John pouted at him but didn’t make a sound.

“Dean’s a grown man; he can make his own decisions. However, I sincerely hope you’ll eventually accept who he is what he chooses to do.”

“Cas, I’ve never loved you more than in this very moment,” Dean said.

Jess made an _awwww_ sound at that. “You two are so sweet!”

“I agree,” Sam said and Cas noticed the quick look he gave his father. “I’d say, welcome to the family, Cas,” he told him and Mary nodded in agreement as Cas blushed upon the warmth he received. John had been outnumbered.

Later, when Dean was saying goodbye to everyone, John walked up close to him. “You’ve really proven today that you’ve got balls. I appreciate that.”

Cas gave him a weird look.

“Take good care of my son,” he said then.

Cas gasped but pulled himself together and replied, “I will do anything to make Dean feel loved for the rest of my life.”

Dean was done hugging the rest of the family and gestured Cas to come. Cas quickly nodded at John and he, in return, patted his back.

“What did my dad say to you?” he wondered when they were in the car.

“I think your father approved of us being together,” Cas told him.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I don’t think so.”

“God, Cas, you’re perfect,” Dean said, grabbed Cas by the back of his head and forcefully crushed their lips together. “You gotta fuck me when we’re home.”

 

They’d gained a little practice since they’d done it for the first time and Dean had never desired Cas more than after the thing with his father today.

“God, Cas, I love you so fucking much,” Dean panted as they finally reached the bedroom. They had been kissing all the way up from the car, taking them forever to get here. Bits of their clothing had already gone lost along the path and Dean hauled his shirt up over his head and carelessly threw it away.

He sat onto the bed, on his knees, and drew Cas closer by his belt, quickly unbuckling it and opening his fly. Then he pushed one hand inside and began to stroke Cas through his underwear. Cas let out a moan in response and Dean pulled down both jeans and boxer briefs to his knees. They still hadn’t done this yet and Dean didn’t know why because he’d craved to taste Cas for so long and then, finally, took Cas’s cock into his mouth.

Cas threw his head back and moaned once more at the feeling of Dean dragging his tongue along his shaft. He held Cas by the hip with one hand, the other massaged his balls as he kept sucking at Castiel’s erection.

After a while he pulled off and scooted back up on the bed. While Cas got rid of his remaining clothes, Dean disposed of his underwear. Then Cas crawled on top of him, reaching for the lube on the nightstand with one hand but Dean wiggled underneath him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, leaning back slightly, so Dean had enough space to turn around onto his hands and knees.

“Like this,” he breathed and Cas quickly applied some lube to his hole.

Dean moaned loudly, his whole body being shaken by the sound he produced, as Cas made the first thrust into him. “Come on, Cas, harder! Show me what you’re capable of,” Dean encouraged him and he could feel Cas pouring out all the aggression he’d had to hold back during the day and turning it into energy. Cas loved him but he also wanted him. He wanted Dean to be his, wanted to claim his body and he could gladly have him and take him in any way he’d like.

Dean’s pores were draining sweat and Cas’s hands on him were damp as well. His ears could only focus on the squishy sounds their bodies made as they were dragged closer together each time Cas shoved his way back into his expectant hole, their skin glistening in the twilight as flesh kept slapping against flesh.

“Fuck, Cas, fuck,” Dean yelled, accentuating every time Cas forced himself into him again. “Touch me…shit…fuck…touch me!” he begged until Cas closed a fist around his throbbing dick and it didn’t take Dean long to pulsate hot white streaks of come onto the sheets.

He wasn’t even sure if he had finished leaking come but Cas pulled out, flipped him onto his back and pushed in again, without reducing the vigor he’d been fucking him with.

Dean felt like his skin was on fire as he was holding onto Cas for dear life and he was convinced that his dick was still hard despite having come already but then he felt his arousal peak again and he came a second time, dry because there was nothing left inside him, and Cas, too, tensed in his arms and spilled wet heat into him.

Cas rolled off of him when his softening dick had slid out of Dean and Dean thought he could possibly hear his heartbeat if his own heart wouldn’t be drumming so loudly inside his ears as well.

“Fuck…Cas,” he panted. “My ass is numb.”

“Sorry,” Cas exhaled weakly.

“No,” Dean replied. “I only hope you can accomplish this again another time. This was fucking awesome. _You’re_ fucking awesome. You’re so fucking—”

Cas’s mouth on his silenced him. “Shut up,” Cas murmured against his lips.

Cas was probably lying in Dean’s come, yet he didn’t complain at all. Dean’s entire body felt sticky but he didn’t even bother trying to roll out of the bed. Instead they napped for an hour or two, getting back to kissing languidly after that, until both men were hard again.

It was slow the second time, actual love making. Dean’s asshole was pretty sore but Cas was perfectly gentle, so Dean didn’t mind the small ache, and they kept up the kissing the entire time until both orgasmed again, remaining completely spent and pleasantly limp.

They didn’t bother to get cleaned up or change the sheets. Instead they wallowed in the mess that simply served as evidence for their love and affection, falling asleep with their limbs entangled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a friendly reminder to give me all the comments. Please, I'm needy!


	14. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- meet the parents part 2  
> \- more smut

Castiel was good at pretending that everything was fine. He obviously loved talking about his job and the kids he was working with admired him and he usually had lunch with his friend Tessa on Wednesdays and Dean had gotten along pretty well with her boyfriend, too, when they had been over at their place. They had also set a couple’s night at their house in return and Dean had announced to make his specialty, lasagna, for them. In his own home at least he wouldn’t have to take allergy medication. The cat—Persephone he was quite sure her name was—was cute and fluffy but the latter had done him no favor. Tessa had cleaned thoroughly and Kitty had to be locked in a room upstairs for the duration of their visit, yet Dean’s eyes had watered and itched like hell. Maybe his cat hair allergy had gotten worse. He could not remember reacting this way to Cas’s old cat, that had, sadly, passed away a year after Cas had graduated from college and Dean knew, though he hadn’t even been around, the pet’s death had upset him very much.

Dean also had no need to worry about their relationship. They were great together, even his dad every once in a while asked how Cas was when they talked on the phone.

Still, something seemed to be missing for Cas and Dean was pretty sure what it was.

“Have you talked to your parents lately?” he asked when they were enjoying the summer sun in their backyard, Dean with a cool beer in his hand. During a shopping trip he had chosen the sunglasses Cas was currently wearing and he made a mental note to ask Cas to put them on the next time they had sex. He looked so good in these aviators with blue mirror lenses. They could roleplay—Cas being a pilot, Dean his only passenger, they crash-land on a deserted island...

“I called for my dad’s birthday a few weeks ago. But I’ve just talked to Meg this week. Everybody’s alright, she said. She offered Michael the phone but he didn’t want to talk to me,” Cas said.

“Oh, sorry to hear that,” Dean murmured. “Do you think maybe he’d be less pissed if you came to see him in Indiana?”

Cas hitched a breath. “Dean, I… I don’t think… I can’t…”

“Hey, Cas,” Dean said and clutched his boyfriend’s hand. “I know you miss your family and the weight of having left without notice still hangs on your shoulders. Maybe it’s time to drop it and finally talk to them. Like, really talk to them, in person.”

“What if they hate me for what I’ve done?”

“They’re your family, Cas. I don’t think they hate you. They’re probably just as sad as you are.”

“I’m not sad,” Cas insisted.

“Yes, you are. I can see that.”

Cas blinked against the sunlight but didn’t speak.

“Or are you afraid they might hate you because of us…because of me?”

Cas shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. And I’m not sure whether I should tell them.”

“Do you really think they’d disown you because you’re in love with a guy?”

“I don’t know, Dean. My family has never talked about anything like this. A man and a woman being together was always the norm. What other constellations there might be was never mentioned. I only know what other members of the community think and it’s mostly not positive, believe me.”

“If you don’t want to tell them, I’ll be fine. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want and if you don’t want to come out to your family, then simply don’t. I’ll support you, no matter what you choose to do.”

“Thank you, Dean. I really appreciate that you’re not mad at me because I’d rather like to keep our relationship a secret.”

“Cas, don’t be stupid. Come here,” Dean said and pulled him closer. “I love you,” he told Cas and kissed him.

“I can still come with you, if you want,” Dean said after a while. “Moral support, you know. I promise I’ll keep my fingers to myself as long as your people are around.”

“I haven’t even decided whether to go at all,” Cas reminded him.

“Ah, Cas, come on. We could take the Impala, you know, like in the old days. You drive one part of the route, I’ll do the rest. Road trip! Huh, what do you say?”

Cas considered it for some time, before he said, “Alright, I’ll ask my mom if she’d like us to come.”

“Woooohh,” Dean exclaimed as he jumped out of his seat, raising both hands in the air and only spilling a small bit of beer on himself. “Tomorrow I’ll start looking for hotels in the area and make sure my baby’s ready for the long way.”

“Ugh, Dean, let me make the call first,” Cas said, took off his sunglasses and rubbed a hand over his eyes.

“How about a little motivation beforehand?” Dean asked enticingly, winking at him.

Cas gave him a gentle smile and rose from his chair. “I’d like that,” he whispered against Dean’s mouth before sealing their lips together. Dean gasped when Cas pushed his tongue past his lips. “Do me a favor,” he breathed into Cas’s mouth. “Put the glasses back on.”

 

The conversation with his mother went well. She said she’d love to have him back home and to meet Dean again as well. She also told him to make sure Michael and Meg would join them for a family meal when they came. Cas had informed her that they would book a hotel but his mother insisted they stay at the house and as he couldn’t come up with a good excuse for why not to accept this, he had to give in and agree to sleep in his old room as long as he was in Indianapolis.

Afterwards he called Father Jim and let him know, too, that he would be around soon. They had stayed in touch and Cas had occasionally talked about his new job at Buddy Boyle’s center, though he hadn’t said a word yet about considering converting to his church sometime in the future. Cas had attended a few of the pastor’s services and those had been enjoyable experiences for him. He was also pleasantly surprised to meet another same-sex couple there and they told him about how welcomingly Pastor Boyle had received them when they first checked out the church. Apparently, they had a history similar to Cas’s with finding an appropriate place to worship and one of the men even used to be a Catholic, just like him.

However, neither had he shared his actual relationship with Dean with Father Jim, nor Meg and those were the people Cas thought he could most likely confide in. Both knew he lived with his best friend from college but Cas was terrified to tell them they were in love and intimate with each other.

They and everyone else would have to find out eventually as Cas certainly didn’t want to live a secret for the rest of his life and he wanted his family to know what Dean meant to him, yet the sheer thought of telling them that he was in a romantic relationship with another man seemed almost impossible.

One evening, a few days before they were to head to Indianapolis, Dean had to work late and Cas invited Charlie over to seek her advice. She had come out to a lot of people in her live, she was married to a woman and she was very active in the LGBT community and Cas had seen that one time in college when she talked to his church friends what she could accomplish with her wisdom.

“Cas, it’s your own choice. If you want to tell them, even if there’ll probably be negative response, you should do it. But if you think it’d be better not to let them know ‘cause you don’t wanna risk the peaceful relationship you have with your family, then don’t do it. You have to be aware that anything can happen and you’d have to face the consequences. But who knows, maybe you’ll be surprised by how accepting they are. I really can’t make this decision on your behalf.”

“I know, Charlie. I don’t wanna lose them but I also want them in my life and my life is Dean,” Cas said.

“You could also talk to Father Jim first and see how he sees this. You said you always could be open with him and that he supported you when you got into trouble for this whole gay pride thing. And he’s a priest, so I’m pretty sure he won’t tell your family without your permission. Just say it’s confession or however this works.”

“I can’t do it like this, Charlie, but I think you’re right. I’ll talk to Father Jim. He should know. Let’s see how the family meeting works out. My brother hasn’t wanted to talk to me yet, so I probably shouldn’t drive him away by telling him I’ve turned gay since we’ve last seen each other.”

“You’re not gay, Cas,” Charlie told him and shook her head.

“But…Dean—”

“Listen, Cas, I don’t wanna dictate how to label yourself, but have ever been attracted to any men other than Dean?”

“I… I don’t think I understand your question. Do you mean I’m bi, like Dean? I mean, I’ve been attracted to girls when I was younger.”

“Cas, sorry I brought this up. Don’t worry about it now. We’ll have this talk another time. What I meant to say was that you probably shouldn’t say you’ve become gay all of a sudden when talking to your people. Some of them are likely not very well informed and in the weirdness of their heads they might imagine you’ve started touring gay clubs and dark rooms and have unprotected sex with lots of guys. Make it clear it’s only Dean for you. Trust me, I’ve encountered such people and most of them are not prepared to listen when you try to explain yourself. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying your family is like this. I don’t know them after all.”

“Oh yeah, I know what you mean…though I don’t think my parents are like this, hopefully… Michael on the other hand, I’m not so sure about. He’s had a few strange ideas when he was a teenager. Yet, I hope Meg has altered his point of view a little. She didn’t say anything when I told her about my friend Charlie and her wife.”

“Whatever you do, Cas, you know you’ve got me and Dorothy and Dean will be there with you all the time.”

They talked for a while about other stuff until Dean came home. Charlie stayed a little longer with them and around nine she excused herself. “The wife is waiting,” she told them.

“Give her a kiss from us,” Dean said.

“I will do that,” Charlie promised before leaving Dean and Cas to themselves.

“What were you and Charlie talking about?” Dean asked as he cuddled up to Cas on the couch.

“We talked about whether I should come out to my family or not.”

“And?”

“Still not sure. We’ll see.”

“Hey, where did you put our hotel room reservation? You were supposed to make one a few days ago.”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Cas said and Dean glared up at him.

“You forgot to tell me what?”

“We’ll be staying at my parents’ house.”

Dean let go of him and sat up. “What? Cas, no…come on! Does this mean we have to pretend we’re totally platonic bros all the time we’re in Indianapolis?” he whined.

“Sorry,” Cas mumbled apologetically. “My mom insisted. She said she won’t allow us to pay for a hotel when there’s room enough in her house.”

“We’re sleeping in different rooms, right?”

“Remember how amazed you were by the guest room? After all, you never got to sleep in it.”

Dean’s pathetic frown turned into a soft smile. “I remember that we slept in the same bed for the first time when we were at your parents’ home.”

“That’s not a particularly good memory for me, Dean…but yes. I liked waking up next to you.”

“You know where you can also wake up next to me? In a hotel.”

“Dean, I already said yes. We’re not declining my mom’s offer.”

“Ugh,” Dean groaned and pressed a throw pillow against his face. “You’re lucky I’m in love with you.”

“That I am,” Cas said, grabbed the pillow from Dean’s hands and let kisses rain on his cheeks and nose and chin until his lips found his boyfriend’s mouth, trying to make up for being forced to sleep in separate rooms at his parents’ and the plan definitely worked because the next day Dean started praising the great water pressure in the guest bathroom that he recalled.

 

When the morning they left for Indianapolis had come, Cas took the first turn behind the wheel. Cas was glad to have something to occupy him with to lessen his anxiousness but when they arrived in St. Louis where they were supposed to switch places, he started to feel really miserable.

“Cas, everything okay?” Dean asked. “You haven’t spoken in a while.”

“You should’ve let me drive all the way,” he said.

Dean reached over with his right hand to rub Cas’s thigh but his attempt at soothing him was only slightly helpful. “I have an idea,” Dean said as he realized that Cas was still pretty tense. He left the interstate somewhere in the outskirts of St. Louis and found a remote spot off the road.

“Dean, what are you doing?” Cas asked when he turned off the engine.

“Giving you a BJ to calm you down,” he said and slid closer on the bench.

“Dean, you don’t have to—ah!” Cas hitched a breath as Dean quickly worked open his jeans and pulled out his dick.

“Just say no if you don’t want it,” Dean said and grinned lustfully.

Cas gasped, then he said, “Do it,” and Dean leaned down and took him into his mouth. Cas tried to push all is uneasiness down and concentrate the strain in his cock to let Dean make it go away. Dean’s breath was warm on him and the movements of his slick tongue made him gradually loosen up, his hand gently carding through the light strands of hair on his boyfriend’s head. It was incredible how good Dean was at this. Not at giving blowjob—well, that too—, but at relaxing him and convincing him that all would turn out fine with his love and tenderness.

It didn’t take him too long to come into Dean’s mouth and when Dean had finished sucking every last drop out of him, he wiped his lips with the back of his hand, gave Cas a quick kiss and started the car again. Cas was feeling much better for the rest of the ride.

Coming home after a long time was an odd feeling. The feeling was even more odd because the time that had passed seemed much longer than when he’d been away at the seminary.

Cas and Dean made sure not to walk too close to each other as they went up to the house. His mother opened the door, hesitating briefly before pulling Cas into a tight hug. When she let go of him, he noticed the tears in her eyes.

“Hey, mom,” he said.

“Castiel, it’s so good to see you. We’ve missed you so much.” She took a step backwards and looked him up and down. “I’m relieved to see you haven’t lost any weight. And the color of your face is also looking fine.”

Cas blushed a little. “Uh, mom, please stop.”

“I’ve made sure to feed him well,” Dean said.

“Dean, hello,” Cas’s mom said. “Look at you, all grown up and handsome.” Cas felt slightly embarrassed upon his mother’s flattery towards his boyfriend.

“You’re too nice, Mrs. Novak,” Dean said.

“You’ve taken good care of my son. I’m really grateful for that, Dean. Now, don’t stand here in the heat. Come in, it’s cool inside,” she said and stepped to the side so the men could walk past her. “I’ve already made your rooms ready. Dean, you surely remember our guest room. Cas, would you walk him upstairs? I suppose you still find your way around the house.”

“Of course, thank you, mom,” Cas said and proceeded to climb the stairs, Dean following him.

After they had brought their stuff into their respective rooms, they joined his mother in the living room where she served them and his father refreshments. “My son, come here,” he said and embraced him.

“Hello, dad. It’s good to be back,” Cas said. “You remember Dean?”

“Yes, hello, it’s been a while.”

“Nice to meet you again, Mr. Novak,” Dean said and they shook hands.

“So, Cas, how have you been?” his father asked when everyone had found a place to sit.

“Very good, actually. I’ve found a counseling job. Dean and I live together…it’s all fine,” Cas said, then rushed to add, “Dean is still a great roommate, just like in college.” He could see Dean side-eyeing him as he said that.

“And how is Kansas City?”

“Oh, we’re living in a good neighborhood. The city itself is also really nice, great barbecue, you know, I like it very much.”

“That’s good to hear. What about you, Dean, tell us something about yourself?”

“Uh, well, I’ve got a good job, a nice house, a great roommate,” he said and glanced over to Cas when he spoke the word, “couldn’t be better for me.”

“How about your love life? Do you have someone at the moment?” Cas’s mother asked.

“ _Mom!”_ Cas scolded, hoping his face wasn’t turning as red as it felt right now.

“Uh, no, Mrs. Novak. There’s no-one right now.”

“What about you, Cas? I gather the lack of a love life was one of the reasons you left.”

Now he was definitely free to blush. “Not the main reason, mom,” he said.

“So, is there someone?”

“No, no,” he said and scratched at the back of his neck. “There’s no girlfriend.” _Technically, not a lie._

“Father Jim told us you’re seeing him today. I suppose this means you won’t be joining us for church tomorrow,” she said.

“Mom, did you really think I would go?” Cas said and shook his head in disbelief.

“Do you still go to church at all?” she asked.

Cas hesitated for a second. “I…sometimes. I’ve been to some services, yes. I still pray on a regular basis.”

“What about confession? Are you doing that, too, regularly?”

Cas sighed, defeated. “Mom, no. I haven’t set a foot in a Catholic church since I quit. I can’t ever go back, don’t you understand?”

“So what kind of services have those been?”

“Darling, leave the boy alone,” Mr. Novak said. “Can’t you see he’s upset?”

Castiel’s mother took a deep breath. “Fine, we’ll talk about this another time.”

Later, they went to see Father Jim, but before they left, his father told him in private he was actually relieved to see that he had returned to a normal live and that he had never been truly happy about Cas wanting to become a priest. “Thanks, dad,” Cas said, “for telling me that. I feel much better now.”

Father Jim was watering flowers in the church yard when they arrived. “Castiel, you’re here! How nice to see that face of yours again,” the priest said, put down the watering can and pulled him into a welcoming embrace.

“It’s good to see you, too,” he said. “Father, this is my friend Dean,” Cas introduced them and they shook hands.

“Castiel has told me very much about you,” Father Jim said.

“Only good things, I hope,” Dean replied with a smile. “It’s nice to finally meet you. You’ve made great impact on Cas’s life.”

“I could say the same about you, Dean,” the priest told him. “I believe your friendship has saved Castiel more than once.”

Flattered and with a faint flush on his cheeks, Dean looked down to his feet, before declaring, “I’ll leave you two alone to talk. I’ll be in the car.”

“He seems like a really nice young men,” Father Jim said when Dean was out of earshot.

“He is,” Cas confirmed.

“And you’re still living with him?”

“Yes. We’re really much enjoying each other’s company.”

“And your work as a counselor?”

“I’m mostly working with teenagers. Some of them are hard to get through to, but I’m getting along pretty well. That’s the kind of job I’ve always wanted to do.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Castiel,” the priest said and sat down on the masoned edge of a flower bed, Cas following suit.

“Have you made friends within Pastor Boyle’s church?”

“Well, yes. Some of those working at his center, my friend Tessa in particular. We’ve also had her and her boyfriend over for dinner at Dean’s house. And I’ve also had coffee with a couple I met at one of his services. They’re really nice people.”

“That’s good to know, Cas.”

He had already come so close now. This was the perfect time to push this conversation in a certain direction.

“They’re two men,” he said.

“Who is?”

“The couple I met at Pastor Boyle’s church. One of them used to be a member of the Catholic Church as well.”

“So this institution is very open-minded, I see. It’s good that you’ve found such a place for yourself.”

“Yeah,” Cas sighed. Just one more little step.

“Father?”

“Yes, Castiel?”

“I have to tell you something but I don’t want you to think this is the reason I chose to leave. It definitely wasn’t. And I hope you won’t think of me any less after I’ve told you.”

Father Jim looked at him expectantly.

“Dean is, you know, bisexual. I’ve known this about him since college. He was my best friend and I didn’t mind this aspect of him at all. We haven’t stayed in touch throughout my attempt at a career as a churchman but we met again at my friend Charlie’s wedding. He had a girlfriend back then, they got engaged but they broke up before I came to Kansas City, though I didn’t know about this. Anyway, I called him because I was all alone I didn’t know anyone else there and he offered me to stay with him.”

“Castiel,” the priest interrupted, “I don’t want to rush your story but I think it’d be better to relieve yourself by coming to the point at once.” Then Father Jim gave him a knowing look.

“You know?” Cas asked in bewilderment.

“I suspect, Castiel. I will only _know_ if you say it.”

Cas’s heartrate had increased remarkably. “Cas,” Father Jim said and put an arm around his shoulders, “I can feel how anxious you are to tell me but I can assure you there’s nothing to worry about. I won’t judge.”

Cas looked at him, nodded his head and took a deep breath before saying, “Dean and I are in love. He’s my boyfriend.”

“See, doesn’t it feel better to have finally spoken the truth?”

“Yes, but… How did you know?”

“Castiel, since the first time you’ve talked to me about Dean, I was certain there was more going on between you than just friendship. You never told me what happened when you were so upset because of him that one winter but I realized it must’ve been more than a quarrel between friends.”  
“I was only able to understand my feelings for him years later.”

“But they never changed, didn’t they?”

“No…”

“I sensed something was different after you’d returned from your friend’s wedding.”

“Yeah, I guess seeing Dean again shook me more than I wanted to admit to myself.”

“Are you happy now that you’re with him?”

“Very,” Cas said and couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Dean. “He’s so good to me. I really love him.”

“Then be grateful to have him and don’t worry about what others might think.”

“It’s easy for you to say now. Bishop Crowley would undoubtedly scold you for such opinions.”

“Bishop Crowley has no power over my opinions. They won’t change because he says so.”

“I shouldn’t let Dean wait any longer,” Cas said then. “Thanks for listening, Father.”

“Any time, Castiel.”

Cas hopped onto his feet but before he left, he said, “Please don’t tell my family.”

“I won’t, Castiel.”

“Do you think they would react as positively as you did?”

“I know that they love you.”

“That’s not very helpful.”

“The decision’s on you, but I think you should let your family know you’ve found someone to love and someone who genuinely loves you back.”

“Thank you, Father. We’ll talk soon. Goodbye.”  
“Good luck, Castiel,” the priest said and Cas returned to the car.

“How did it go? Did you tell him?” Dean asked after Cas had shut the door behind him.

“Yes, I told him about us.”

“And?”

“It was good. Really good. He thinks I should share this with my family as well…share how much you mean to me.”

Dean had a huge grin on his face. “I love you,” he said and, after making sure no-one was around to see, Cas leaned in for a brief kiss.

When they got back to the Novaks’ house, Castiel’s mother made them sandwiches for dinner and they talked a little while longer about what had happened in the meantime in their community and how Hannah was in Chicago. His parents told them they would be out the next morning for about two to three hours as they had some things to discuss at the parish house concerning the next charity event. Mom told him to just help themselves in the kitchen for breakfast.

Cas thought about sneaking over into the guest room but was afraid to get caught or that his parents could check on them before leaving for church and find them snuggled up in the same bed, so he spent the night apart from his boyfriend.

Cas didn’t leave his room in the morning before he heard his parents close the front door and drive away. When he was sure they had the house to themselves, he walked across the hallway to Dean’s room, finding him still sound asleep.

“Dean, wake up, they’re gone,” he said.

“Hmmm, who’s gone?” Dean mumbled.

“My parents. We’re finally alone.”

Dean opened his eyes, seeming a little disoriented at first but then he appeared to remember where they were. “Oh, hey you. How’d you sleep?”

“Not as good as with you next to me,” Cas said and placed a soft kiss onto his lips.

“How come this bed is bigger than the one we have at home?” Dean wondered.

“My mother likes her guests to be comfortable. But we could buy another one if you’d like that.”

“Hm, nah, you’d only be farther away from me on a bigger bed.”

“We could still meet in the middle.”

“We’ll see,” Dean said and sat up on the mattress.

“So, what’d you think we make of our alone time?”

Cas gave him a cocky smile and crawled into Dean’s lap. “How about this?” he said, wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and kissed him eagerly.

“Woah, you really want to have sex here, in the house of your good Christian parents?”

“Yes,” Cas breathed against Dean’s neck.

“Okay,” Dean said and took his chin to bring their lips back together.

Cas began to grind down against Dean’s croth and felt his boyfriend harden in his pajamas. “Although we have time…I don’t think we can, ah, go all the way this time,” Cas panted. “I’m afraid we’re lacking the proper utensils.”

“Are you talking about lube? ‘Cause I have some in my bag.”

Cas abruptly leaned back. “You brought lube? Were you actually expecting us to fuck at my parents’ house?”

“No, but I still thought we could get out of staying here,” Dean replied honestly. “Anyway, it was you who started this. I think I’m rubbing off on you.”

Cas raised an eyebrow at him and pushed his ass down onto Dean’s lap again. “I’d rather say _I_ am rubbing off on _you._ ”

“Jesus, Cas,” Dean groaned.

“I’d appreciate if you’d at least refrain from using that name in this context while we’re in this house,” Cas said. His next thought was odd considering where they were but he had no doubt he wanted it. “Fuck me, Dean,” Cas said as he stared into his boyfriend’s beautiful eyes.

“Cas, are you serious?”

“Yes, Dean. I’m sure. I want this…I want you.”

“Okay, then get out of the bed. We’re having a shower.”

“But I showered yesterday before going to bed.”

“To relax you, Cas. Trust me on this,” Dean told him, pushed Cas off of him and went ahead into the bathroom.

The shower was a tight fit for two grown men but they managed to make it work somehow. Dean washed Cas’s hair with the shampoo that his mother had been providing for her guests for years and thoroughly soaped his body, taking some time to massage his back. Sometimes he brushed a finger over his hole, just to get Cas used to the feeling of someone touching him there.

They stayed under the hot spray of water for a while after rinsing, Cas with his back to Dean’s chest. His boyfriend’s semi hard-on was slightly nudged between his ass cheeks, one hand was stroking the skin over his heart, the other one teased at Cas’s erection.

Dean had been right. Cas felt light and cozy now and had once again been reassured that he was in good hands with Dean. After drying each other off, Dean made him lie down at the edge of the mattress on his back and Dean kneeled between his legs on the carpet. Cas had made sure to put a towel underneath himself in order not to stain his mother’s sheets with any bodily fluids.

Dean placed Cas’s legs onto his shoulders and poured some lube on his fingers. “If you’re not okay with anything or something hurts, then speak up right away, okay?” he said.

“Yeah, Dean. I trust you,” Cas told him and then Dean closed his lips around his erection.

He started with sucking him off, then, when he was sure Cas was distracted enough, pressed a slick finger against his rim. It felt funny but Cas was excited to go on with this. The finger drew circles around the outside of his hole until Dean used a bit more pressure and the tip went inside him.

“You still alright?” Dean asked and after Cas had confirmed he was good, Dean continued to move the finger further into him. He had stopped blowing him but his free hand was still working his dick and Cas didn’t have to solely concentrate on the stretch in his asshole. Gradually, the slightly unpleasant feeling faded and Dean could easily fuck him with one finger. Then Dean added a second one and the stretch returned but passed as well. Dean worked considerately on loosening him up enough for his cock and when he pulled out, Cas knew he was finally going to feel Dean’s arousal inside him.

Dean sat next to him on the bed and made Cas straddle him. “So you can do this at your own pace,” he explained and quickly applied some lube on his erection.

Slowly, Cas sunk down onto Dean’s thick cock. He made sure to breathe out in order to stay calm and relaxed and Dean held him in balance at his sides. When Dean was all the way in, Cas paused for a moment to adjust.

“You’re doing so good, babe,” Dean encouraged him.

Cas crushed their lips together before carefully pushing himself up and then down again. It felt good. Really good. Fucking Dean was one thing, but being fucked was a whole lot different. He felt more vulnerable but also much safer because of Dean’s patience and gentle touches. The feeling of it got better with every thrust downwards and Dean’s tongue kept fucking into his mouth as Cas fucked himself on Dean’s hard cock.

“You feel so good, babe,” Dean panted against his lips. “You’re so hot inside, I love that, makes me feel so so good. Need to touch you.” He wrapped his fingers around Cas’s dick and pumped a few times and somehow this made Cas move differently and if he’d thought before this was great, then he’d had no idea how this could actually be. He was so overwhelmed by the feeling of Dean hitting a spot inside that he almost fell over, but Dean clasped Cas at his waist and held him upright.

Cas was glad about being in good shape, yet his thighs got tired after a while. “Dean, my legs hurt, I can’t,” he sighed and Dean told him to hold on. He turned them over in one swift move, putting Cas down on his back again like before.

Dean’s feet found leverage on the floor as he pushed himself off to fuck into him. Cas had his legs wrapped around his waist and his heels locked on his back. “Yeah, Dean, right there, oh please, don’t stop!” Cas was too far gone to worry that someone might hear them though it being unlikely that his parents had returned from church yet.

His hand had somehow found its way between them and he realized he must have blacked out for a moment because suddenly he had come all over his fingers. The movement of Dean’s hips stuttered, he grunted and then let out a long sigh. It took him a moment before he could pull out of Cas and lie next to him.

“You feel amazing, Cas,” he said after he’d caught his breath. “How are you now?”

Cas was still a bit dizzy when he said, “I had no idea how this could be. I’m so…so…I don’t even know how to express myself anymore.”

“Does this mean you’re good?”

“Very.”

They decided it was probably for the best to shower again and they would certainly have to come up with a good reason for why Dean had used so many towels.

When the parents returned they tried to act normal but Cas wanted to do nothing more than throw himself at Dean and kiss him until their lips were red and swollen.

 

In the afternoon, Mr. Novak proceeded to prepare some hotdogs for the family and Meg brought some side dishes when she came with Michael and their children. For dessert Castiel’s mother had also made apple pie the day before.

Meg was genuinely happy to see him and repeatedly told Cas how much she had missed him and that Luke and Ruby had often asked about Uncle Cas while he was gone. Cas was overwhelmed by how much his nephew and niece had grown in the meantime. Ruby would start school this fall and she kept telling him how excited she was and what Disney Princess she wanted to have on all her stuff. Luke had always been the more quiet sibling but Dean got him to talk a little and the sight of it caused a pleasantly warm feeling in Cas’s chest. He also tried not to laugh when Ruby addressed him as ‘Mr. Dean’—this was just too cute.

Michael had been friendly so far, but mostly avoided speaking to him, though he apologized to Dean for his behavior the last time they had seen each other.

After they had eaten, everyone gathered in the living room, while the children preferred to play outside on the porch.

Cas decided it was him who had to approach his brother.

“Michael, are you mad at me because I left the church?” he asked eventually.

Michael sighed before looking at him. “I’m rather disappointed that you left without telling any of us. We’re your family, Cas. And you just took off. I had to explain to the kids why Uncle Cas was gone all of a sudden and they couldn’t see you anywhere at church.”

“I’m sorry, really. I missed all of you but I had to sort out a few things at first.”

“Are you happy now with your new life?”

“Yes, Michael, I am,” Cas said, smiling softly.

“That’s good, really good. I’m glad you came to see us.”

“I am, too.”

“Did you bring your friend because you were afraid you might need backup? To be honest, mom was upset because now she can’t brag about her son the deacon anymore, but your well-being is most important to her. We don’t blame you for anything.”

“That’s really nice of you to say,” Cas said, avoiding to answer the first part.

“Are you guys getting along?” asked Meg who had walked up to them.

“We’re reconciling,” Michael told her.

“Oh, that’s nice,” she said.

Cas looked over to where his father was eagerly listening to Dean telling him about his job, then he said to his brother, “I’m glad you apologized to Dean, you know. A very grown-up move.”

Michael chuckled. “I’m sorry for how I treated him in the past. He’s your friend and he just wanted to protect you. I guess that’s why he’s here today, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, he’s always been very supportive. I owe him a lot.” Again, he watched Dean from afar, now talking to his mother and he ached to let his family know how much Dean actually meant to him. He had just restored the peace between him and Michael and telling the truth was risky but Dean deserved this. His family deserved this.

“Hey, um,” he said loudly and cleared his throat. Then he moved closer to Dean and stood beside him. Dean gave him a _what are you doing_ look and Cas answered with a quick movement of his eyes. Dean nodded briefly and took a deep breath. “You all know I’ve had a very hard time and I wanted to thank you how understanding you are. I love you and it’s so good to see you again.” He paused, biting his lip. “I also wanted you to know how much Dean has done for me. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for him.”

“Yes, Dean, thank you so much,” his mother interjected.

“Thanks, mom. But there’s one more thing I’d like you to know,” Cas said. _You can do this, you can do this._ Before he continued, he grabbed Dean’s hand and he could read in everyone’s eyes that they could tell what was to come next. “Dean and I, we’re in love. We’re boyfriends.”

His mom gasped, Meg had a smile forming on her lips, his father’s face was unreadable and Michael’s eyes darkened.

Meg was the first of them to speak. “Oh, Cas. I’m so happy to hear that. I think you’re great together.” Michael was glaring at her after she’d said that but he didn’t make a sound.

“How long have you been together?” his father asked instead in a completely neutral tone.

“About four months,” Cas replied, still tightly clasping Dean’s hand. Both his palms were sweaty.

No-one spoke for a while.

“I’m aware this took you by surprise but Dean is good for me. He makes me so happy. I love him so much.”

“Please, just try to accept Cas as he the person he is. I know how it can be not to have full support from a family member and it would make me really sad if you couldn’t—”

“Did he make you gay?” Mrs. Novak interrupted Dean. “Castiel, is this why you gave up on everything you had here, because your friend seduced you?”

Cas groaned. This was exactly what he didn’t want to hear from anyone. “No, mom, Dean did not make me gay and I didn’t run away because of him. What I wrote in the letter still applies. My relationship with Dean came afterwards. It’s not his fault that I quit my church career.”

“You always knew, didn’t you,” Michael said to his wife. “You could’ve told me my brother was…you know.”

“I didn’t know anything,” Meg said. “Don’t be ridiculous. I fell in love with you because of _you_ and not because I thought your brother was gay.” She gave him a serious look, then she walked over to Cas and folded her arms around his back. “We love you, no matter what, _right?_ ” she said and glanced back at her husband.

“Take good care of him,” Meg whispered into Dean’s ear when she hugged him as well.

“It’s because I let you spend so much time with Gabriel when you were younger. He’s had some really bad influence on you,” Castiel’s mother mumbled.

“Gabriel’s not gay, darling. He’s got two illegitimate children to prove it,” Mr. Novak told her.

“But he surely taught Cas this ungodly lifestyle.”

“Mom, that’s not true. I haven’t seen Gabriel in five years and he definitely has nothing to do with me falling in love with Dean,” Cas made clear.

“I really don’t know what to make of this,” Mrs. Novak said rather absently and left the room. Cas was about to follow her but his father held him back. “Give her some time; she needs to process. You have to admit it’s a long shot from being on the way to becoming a priest to suddenly bringing a boyfriend home.”

“I know, dad. Do you hate me now?”

“Son, of course I don’t hate you. How could I? Come here,” he said and hugged Cas tightly. When he’d let go, he said, “Michael? Don’t you want to say anything to your brother?”

“Cas, please tell me this is a joke,” Michael said.

“My love for Dean is definitely not a joke.”

“Pah,” Michael huffed and walked outside to his see his children.

“He’s sleeping on the couch tonight,” Meg said.

Dean chuckled and Meg gave him a gentle smile. “He’ll see this differently very soon, I promise. He loves you, Cas, and he wouldn’t wanna lose you.”

“She’s right,” Mr. Novak said. “They just need time.”

“I hope you’re right,” Cas replied sadly. “Maybe let them talk to Father Jim. He knows and I’m sure he can change their minds.”

“Of course, Cas. Are you still staying overnight?”

“I don’t think so. We can come here another time. Or maybe you’d want to see us in Kansas City.”

They packed their things and said goodbye. His mother gave him a brief hug but remained wordless towards him. Meg kept Michael from interfering while Cas and Dean talked to the kids one last time and then they headed home.

Cas was upset, though it could have gone worse. Meg’s positive reaction hadn’t surprised him at all and he was grateful how accepting his father had been but he’d wished his mother and Michael could see it like them. They would, one day, Cas was hopeful. Tomorrow or so he’d have to call Hannah and inform her about his relationship with Dean as well, hopefully before anyone from the family could forestall him. He was certain his sister was going to be as understanding as Meg and his father.

“You know, speaking of Gabriel,” Dean said when they were in the car, “I need to show you something.” He retrieved his wallet form his back pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper. “That’s been in there for a long time already,” Dean explained. Cas took it from him and unfolded it. He gasped as he realized what kind of picture it was, pressing a trembling hand against his mouth. He was certainly not going to cry because of this. “Dean,” Cas said. “You’ve kept it all these years?”

“I could’ve never thrown it away,” Dean said and Cas rushed forward to kiss him.

“I love you,” he whispered and if his family was falling apart, at least he’d have the love of his life by his side to walk him through this.

Dean let Cas drive all the way back. When they got home late at night, they held each other as they lay in bed, Dean carding his fingers through Cas’s hair and telling him without words that everything would turn out fine. And Cas believed it. If John Winchester could change his opinion on this, then his mother and brother could, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost at the end. The final chapter will be rather short but I hope you're still looking forward to it.


	15. Future Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, aaahhh!!!  
>  _Let's do the time warp again!_ This one is set shy of three years from where we left off.

“We’re almost done here, sweetheart. Yeah, that’s right, you’re a good girl. Such a good girl,” Cas cooed as he finished buttoning up the baby’s onesie. The little girl gurgled as she watched Cas making funny faces while he dressed her and squeaked when he picked her up from the table and smelled at her. “Now we’re nice and clean again, aren’t we? Yes, we are,” he continued and kissed her belly.

“You look good like this,” said Dean who had appeared in the living room.

“Yeah, you mean like this?” Cas said and showed him different poses with the baby on his arm.

“Babies suit you. You should carry one more often,” Dean told him, chuckling, and stepped closer.

“Could you hold her for a sec? I need to start packing her things. Dorothy will be here soon,” Cas said and handed Dean the baby.

Dean sat on the couch with the little girl on his lap. Then he made her stretch her arms to the side and slowly let go. “Dean, be careful,” Cas urged him.

“I am. See, she’s balancing all by herself. I’m not holding her.”

“Yeah, nice. Have you seen Clara’s blanket? You know, the beige one with the pugs on it.”

“I think I’m sitting on it.”

“Then get up so I can put it in the bag.”

“But she’s so good at this. I don’t want to stop her.”

“ _Dean!”_

“Alright, fine,” Dean sighed, got hold of the baby again and moved onto his feet.

“Thank you,” Cas said and proceeded to fold the blanket. “So, I think that was all.”

Dean was standing next to him, swaying a little with the baby on his hip. “You don’t look so bad with her either,” Cas said and lightly kissed the girl’s head, then his boyfriend.

“Maybe we should get one then,” Dean said and pressed their lips together once more. Clara’s tiny hand reached for Dean’s face as they kissed but it didn’t bother him.

“Does this mean you’d like to have kids?” Cas said eventually.

“Sure, I’d love to have kids. Or one at first, see how it goes.”

“You’re serious,” Cas noted.

“Of course I am.”

The doorbell rang and after dropping a final kiss onto Dean’s lips, Cas went to open the door and let Dorothy in.

“Hey, how is my baby girl?” she said, walking over to Dean.

“Hi mommy, I want to stay with Uncle Cas and Uncle Dean,” Dean said in a high-pitched voice, rocking the baby in a funny way as he spoke.

“Was she alright?” Dorothy asked in lieu of going with Dean’s joke.

“A little angel, as always,” Cas told her.

She took Clara from Dean, put her in her seat and swiftly fastened the safety belt. “When are we meeting tomorrow?” Cas asked.

“We’ll be here around ten, I guess. I told my mom we’d bring her Clara at nine. Depends on the traffic. We’ll call you when we’re on the way.” She picked up the baby seat and Dean quickly said goodbye and stroked the baby’s head before Cas walked Dorothy to her car, carrying Clara’s bag.

Tomorrow they would leave for North Carolina with Dorothy and Charlie. Their friends had been invited to speak at their alma mater and as it would soon be the ten year anniversary of their graduation, they had decided to make a small college reunion with Benny and Ash who lived on the east coast. Yet, they would have to make it a two-day journey this time as no-one cared to drive for fifteen hours straight. They were too old for this and especially Charlie and Dorothy had come to realize the value of rest and sleep after becoming parents. Flying had not been an option as Dean, who was terrified of flying, had made a fuss and everyone had agreed to drive like in the old days for his sake.

“So, I’d like to come back to our conversation from before?” Cas said when he had returned back into the house.

“Cas, you know I want kids,” Dean told him as he took Cas’s hands into his.

“With me?”

“Who else would I want to have a little baby with? Come here,” Dean said and pulled his boyfriend close.

“Do you think we’re ready for a child? We’d need a bigger house.”

“I didn’t mean now, but in a few years maybe. But we probably shouldn’t wait too long. I’m over thirty, my biological clock is already ticking,” he said.

Cas huffed a laugh. “I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem.”

They kissed again, slow this time, still holding each other. “Cas,” Dean gasped after a while.

“Hm?”

“I haven’t finished packing yet.”

“Doesn’t matter. Later,” he sighed and kissed Dean’s neck.

“Cas?” Dean said again and proceeded to go upstairs, dragging Cas with him.

“Hm?”

“Let’s make a baby.”

“You’re stupid,” Cas said but laughed anyway, following Dean upstairs.

 

They spent the evening of their first day on the road with eating takeout and raiding the minibar in Cas and Dean’s room. Dean and Dorothy were trying to teach Charlie poker but it seemed hopeless.

“How can you play D&D and not get how this works?” Dean sighed.

“It’s boooring,” Charlie replied childishly. “There aren’t even cool pictures on the cards.”

Dean carelessly threw the cards he’d been holding onto the bed. “I give up. I need another drink.”

“And bring the peanuts,” Dorothy told him.

Cas, who had been outside talking on the phone, re-entered the room when Dean opened his second tiny bottle of booze.

“What did your mom want?”

“Meg went into labor.”

“Oooh, you’re having another nephew or niece?” Dorothy asked.

“A niece, yes. Mom asked if we’d stop by Indianapolis on our way home to see the new baby.”

“We can do that, sure,” Dean said. “We always have great sex in your mother’s guest room,” he added smugly.

“Ewww, stop, I don’t wanna hear that!”

“You’re one to talk, Charlie,” Dean said.

“Yeah, I’m still having nightmares from that morning at the lake,” Cas agreed.

“You’re all prudes,” Charlie said and emptied her small vodka, sulking.

“So, another baby, huh?” Dean asked then and pulled Cas down onto the bed by his waist.

“Yes,” Cas said and kissed him.

Dean noticed that Dorothy had suddenly become very quiet. She looked somewhat upset and her eyes were glassy. “Hey, what is it?” Dean asked, reached out a hand to her.

“I miss my baby,” she said.

“Oh, I miss her, too. But we’re seeing her again very soon,” her wife said and pulled her into a hug.

“Maybe we should come with you. Let’s skip the lecture and see your niece. I bet she’s cute. But not as cute as you,” Dorothy murmured against Charlie’s cheek and hiccupped.

“Babe, you’re drunk,” Charlie noted.

“Of course I’m drunk. I haven’t had a proper drink since before Clara was born,” she slurred and let her head fall into her wife’s lap.

“Okay, I guess that’s our call. We’re going to bed. Night, guys,” Charlie announced and Dean helped her get Dorothy onto her feet.

It was right to go to bed early. The still had a long drive ahead of them tomorrow, so Cas and Dean turned in as well, telling each other fantasies of how they would be as parents before falling asleep.

After they had arrived the next day, they spent a nice and quiet evening at a bar with Benny, his wife Andrea, Ash and Kevin who had also managed to come. Cas showed everyone pictures of his newborn niece, Lily, and Dean appeared to be even more excited to meet her soon than he was.

“Okay, so you have a baby,” Benny said to Charlie and Dorothy, “and your sister-in-law just had another kid. I think we can break the news to you now, can’t we?” he asked his wife. She gave him a brief nod and smiled, then she said, “We’re having a baby, too!”

“Oh, congratulations!” everyone said and cheered.

“Do you already know if it’s a boy or a girl?” Dorothy asked.

“No, it’s still too early to tell,” Andrea said.

Dean clapped a hand on Benny’s back. “Man, you’re gonna be a dad. Who would’ve thought that.”

“To be honest, I freaked out a little when she first told me,” Benny said.

“You’re gonna do good, I’m sure of that,” Dean reassured his old friend.

“If it’s a boy we can play basketball in the yard.”

“Hey,” Charlie interjected, offended. “And if it’s a girl you’ll only teach her how to paint her fingernails or what?”

“Girls can play basketball, too,” Andrea said. “I was on the basketball team in high school, remember?”

“Yeah, I know, babe. Sorry,” Benny replied apologetically.

“You know, it’s weird, seeing you two together,” he said then, looking at Dean and Cas. “I mean, I don’t have a problem with that. Not at all, don’t get me wrong. It’s just…I’d never guessed you’d have a thing for each other.”

The entire table went silent.

“Really?” Ash said. “Astronauts in space could see that Dean was head over heels for Cas, Benny.”

“Agreed,” Kevin noted.

“You should’ve spent less time watching tall guys chase a ball in college. Then you’d have noticed that one of your closest friends was hopelessly in love with his best friend,” Ash told him.

Andrea was laughing the whole time. “This really sounds like you,” she said eventually.

Then Dean said, “Hey, Benny. Do you wanna hear a secret?” He leaned closer. “For a very short time, before I met Cas and before I got to know you better, I had a really small crush on you.”

“Wha—” Benny gaped, his jaw dropping towards the table.

“You never told me that,” Charlie remarked.

“Me neither,” Cas said, too.

“I got over it pretty quick when Benny started his habit of leaving dirty socks on my bed.”

“Oh my god, did you mark your territory?” Andrea exclaimed on the edge of bursting into laughter again. “Were you into him as well?”

An immense blush appeared on Benny’s face. “No,” he whined. “Stop making fun of me! I hate you all…” Everyone else was laughing until Dean called them off and announced to buy Benny another beer.

Charlie and Dorothy left a bit early to go through their lectures one last time while the others stayed around a little longer, talking about the good old college days.

 

The next day, Cas and Dean drove to the campus to hear their friends talk in front of the students. Dorothy’s lecture was really interesting and as Cas was very familiar with her work, he could follow her words easily. Charlie’s on the other hand was…to make it simple, Cas had a hard time staying awake. Not that the lecture was boring—it was absolutely not, as far as he could tell. It was just everything but easy to endure a discussion about something if you don’t understand a single words that is spoken. Dean seemed rather into it, whispering into his ear from time to time and explaining bits but Cas was still left more than confused.

Later, when the others were talking to students and professors, Cas and Dean wandered around under the pleasant spring sun, revisiting the places they had liked to go to when they had been studying here.

“Ah, look at them. They’re so young and naïve and have no idea what real life is like,” Dean said as he watched a group of students passing by.

“Let them enjoy their time. You were just like them,” Cas told him.

“Yeah, and you were, too. So sweet and innocent. I just wanted to kiss that beautiful face of yours.”

“I should’ve let you,” Cas said and folded his arms low around Dean’s waist.

“Do you let me now?” Dean asked with a gentle smile on his lips.

“Of course,” Cas replied and leaned in.

They were standing right in front of Hudson Hall, kissing and completely lost in their own world. Cas’s hands slid lower onto Dean’s butt and Dean was holding him by the back of his head.

“Get a room!” someone shouted and they broke apart, giggling.

When they turned around they saw a group of boys walking by, laughing and making jokes about the two men who made out in the middle of campus during the day.

“They’re right,” Dean said. “Maybe we should get to our room. We still have enough time before dinner.”

So they left the university grounds and made good use of their hotel room bed for a while until they had to get ready to meet the others at a fancy restaurant.

The location was halfway between the coast and the place they were staying at. Cas had no idea why they had to meet there and not somewhere closer to their hotel or the campus, but Ash had mentioned something like knowing the owners, a woman and her daughter, and that he could probably get them a discount on the delicious meals they served.

When he saw Dean in his outfit, he was glad that they had to dress up like this.

“Wow,” Cas said, marveling Dean’s appearance. He was wearing a blue coat and slacks and a white dress shirt. Gladly, Ash had informed them that there were no ties required.

“You don’t look so bad either,” Dean told Cas, who wore a light shade of gray and pale blue. “I think I’m going home with you tonight.”

Cas chuckled. “I sincerely hope so.”

After that they got into the car and headed towards their dinner location. Cas expected them to be able to get there in about forty minutes. He looked out of the windshield for a while, making sure Dean was taking the right way, until his phone rang.

His mother wanted to make sure they were coming in the evening tomorrow and staying to see the baby the day after that. She also told him that Hannah was going to be there, too, and she even asked if they would stay in the guest room as usual or if they preferred a hotel. Of course, Cas said, they’d sleep at the house, as always and his mother was glad to hear that. “I’ve missed my boys,” she said before they said goodbye and hung up.

As they drove past a road sign, Cas wasn’t so sure they were still going in the right direction. “Dean, is this still the right way? I could’ve sworn we should have turned left earlier.”

“Trust me, Cas. I know where I’m going.”

Cas shrugged his shoulders and leaned back into his seat again. He hadn’t paid attention while talking to his mom and Dean was probably right.

However, when they entered a small town, Cas was pretty sure this wasn’t right anymore, though the name sounded familiar.

“Dean, where are we going?” he asked.

“Just wait,” Dean told him. “We’re almost there.”

“There? I don’t think the restaurant is anywhere near this place.”

Dean didn’t reply but took another turn right and Cas could see the ocean from afar.

“Dean, just stop and we’ll take a look at the map,” he said but Dean only stopped the car after a few more minutes. After shutting off the engine, he stepped out of the Impala and signaled Cas to follow him.

Suddenly, Cas heard sand crunching under his shoes but Dean kept on walking ahead of him, almost jogging. “Dean, we’re ruining our dress shoes,” he called after him as he tried to keep up with him.

Cas noticed the sun being about to sink towards the water on the horizon and was certain they were going to be awfully late for dinner with their friends. Then Dean stopped abruptly.

“Dean,” Cas panted, “I think I’ve got sand in my shoes. What are we doing here?”

“Look around,” Dean said. “Good timing—it’s sunset.”

Cas frowned but looked out to the vastness of sky across the sea where the dusk light painted the water orange. Then it dawned on him. He was certain he hadn’t been here before, yet everything looked so familiar.

“This is the beach I’ve always wanted to go with you,” Cas realized.

Then Dean went down on one knee in front of him and Cas’s first instinct was to remind him that his slacks were getting dirty but then, suddenly understanding the meaning of the current situation, only gasped.

Dean rummaged in his jacket pocket and eventually retrieved a small box. “I’ve been carrying this around with me for a while now,” he said. “And since we’ve already been talking about having kids and we’re here at this time of the day, I guess the right moment has come to finally drop the question.”

Cas was pressing a sweaty palm against his mouth, his hand trembling slightly. He knew exactly what the question was. His eyes were filling with tears because not so long ago he was sure he’d never have this and now Dean was there, on his knee, holding a velvety box out to him.

“Cas,” Dean spoke softly and slowly opened the box, presenting a platinum ring with a blue gem stone embedded in the precious metal, “will you marry me?”

Cas wasn’t even able to answer right away. First he had to shakily release the breath he had been holding, then repeatedly nodded his head, until, finally he managed to say, “Yes.”

Dean took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto Cas’s finger. He stood up, quickly brushing the sand off his knee, and wrapped his arms around Cas.

“I love you,” he said and kissed him.

“I love you, too,” Cas replied, snuffling, “so much.”

Dean pressed their foreheads together and held Cas tight for a while until he had calmed down a little. “We’re getting married,” he said then, beaming at Cas with a gentle smile.

“Yes,” Cas replied and was shaken again by the utter joy he felt.

They kissed again, languidly, not at all minding the fact that they were running late for dinner with their friends.

As they stood there, holding each other close, exchanging slow and deep kisses, the sun gradually disappeared in the ocean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I never thought I'd write something this long. Well, life goal accomplished.  
> This fic was fun to work on and I hope you had a good time reading it. Let me know if you did :)


End file.
